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Boyfriend being sneaky?


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Ok.. I was curious... how many of you are in a relationship, or have in the past, and shared each other's e-mails? Or checked each others... behind their back or with them knowing??? ANd those of you who have check your bf/gf's e-mails, did he/she mind about it?? And do you think it's bad to do so??

 

Basically my bf knew I had his password, and I found out he had mine. So I know he's checked mine, which doesn't bother me because I have nothing to hide. But today I brought something up I saw in his e-mail... and apparently he forgot I had his password and he flipped out and went nuts asking me why I checked it and how often. TOo be honest.. .I do check it every now and then, which I told him, and I do it because I don't trust him 100% because he has lied to me in the past, so I need to see if he's loyal or not. So after that fight he changed his password and is so mad that I can't trust him all the way and this and that and now he's ignoring me. This is bugging the crap out of me! That is the type of open/serious relationships I like, I like to share everything and I think my bf should too.. there should be nothing to hide so I don't understand him going nuts about it. He says he's not hiding anything but in my opinion... why would he freak out so much if he wasn't hiding anything?? WHy are guys so insecure about their gf's checking their e-mails. What's the big deal?!?! How can you tell someone you want to marry them if you can't even share your password?!??! ANy advice would be nice!.. Thanks

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One of the biggest fallacies about marriage is that you become one person and have to share everything because you have nothing to hide.

 

He has the right to privacy and you have no right to question him if he decides to exercise it. If you don't wish to have privacy from him that is your choice but you should not try to impose that on him in turn.

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I trust my boyfriend completely. I have no need to check his emails. And frankly, have no interest in it.

 

There are things that I email back and forth with my family that I'd rather not have other people see. Not because I'm trying to hide anything, but because it's family business and noone else's

 

I think it's important in a relationship to have your own space. My own email is my space. I still don't understand the fascination in relationships to read eachother's emails when everything is great and the trust is there. And if the trust isin't there, what difference does reading email make when I can very simply get another email to be friendly with someone else.

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My boyfriend and I have a very open, trusting relationship...but we don't have each other's e-mail passwords and neither of us has any actual desire too either. We don't hide our email screens from one another or anything, but we just don't feel that need. If an ex were to contact him for example, I trust him to know HE knows how to handle it and respects me enough to also communicate with me anything out of the ordinary.

 

For me, I think it's the fact that while I know we would be fine to see one another's emails in general, what about the friends and family whom may email us - that would be breaking THEIR confidence in my opinion. I think some privacy IS important. Wanting some privacy does not automatically mean being sneaky or having something to hide. When you get married or are in a relationship, you don't lose your personhood. And your friends/family don't lose their privacy too! Besides, what if he was talking about how he wanted to surprise you and you found out, that would be pretty crappy, wouldn't it be?

 

If you both agree to share, I don't think it's bad, but if you are being sneaky about it and trying to hack in, I think there is a BIG indication that something in your gut isn't right. Honestly for me if I had the desire to snoop into my boyfriend's emails, I would see that more as a sign there were deeper issues at play. If you give him your password, that's fine, but it should not be with expectation he MUST return the favour if he feels differently.

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I understand the privacy issue. And I guess I'm different in that sense. I see nothing wrong with either of us sharing our passwords. and it's def not on the top of mylist to check his... i mean i have reasons to for what he has done in the past, he hasn't cheated. but he has made me loose trust, so i guess this is my way of checking to see if he is untrustworthy or not. I guess what really bothers me is that he changed it asap, as if there is something he's hiding. I mean, if your bf/gf found out your password and told you, would you change it right away? or let them have it because it doesn't bother...if you trusted them, then they would give you that privacy if you asked them too...

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I think you are missing the point. You have no right to impose your standards of privacy on him. Who put you in charge of the relationship?

 

If you don't trust him you should not be with him. And he may decide that if you don't trust him he doesn't want to be with you.

 

As someone else pointed out, it is a simple matter for him to set up another e-mail account that he can keep secret from you if he wants to cheat.

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i am sorry but lovely you have no right to go into your bf emails whether you trust him or not...that is not what it is about. My bf went into my email account and I lost it not because i had anything to hid but i felt it was a complete invasion of my privacy.

If you want to see in your bf email account ask him! You shouldn't have to investigate your bf that shows a lack of trust and why would you want to be in a relationship if you don't trust 100%??? I don't understand what is wrong with people these days. I appologize if i seem rude that is not my intention i just don't understand why people waste their time with someone they do not trust.

You and your bf need to work out these kinks in your relationship so you have more trust and don't feel the need to go into eachothers private things.

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In my current relationship where things are going really well, I have no desire to check my bf's emails. However, in my past relationship with a crazy man who cheated, I had his password and would check his email quite often.

 

So what's the difference? Apparently your bf is untrustworthy. Gut instinct shouldn't normally be ignored. What do you think he is hiding?

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I'm not sure what I think he would be hiding. I figured if he's lying to me over all these little things, then what else could he be lying to me about? and i did tell him that I checked it, I'm the one who came out and told him, I didn't hide it from him. He ended up checking mine behind my back and told me after the fact I told him I did it. I dunno... I guess I should give him his privacy, which I will now, but I guess more importantly I do need to figure out if I'll ever trust him agian.. which right now is a NO.

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Like DN rightly pointed out...if you do not trust him, why are you with him? If you do not have trust, you have nothing. Just last week, you mentioned your BF is not romantic at all and that you do not do your part either. I think your relationship is damaged quite a bit and you may want to consider ending it. I could not be with a man whom I could not trust. Life is way too short.

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Checking each other's email is certainly not wrong, as long as you both know about it. Besides, if he knows you check it, why would he cheat on you using that same address? Sometimes I check my fiancee's email. Not to snoop, but to delete all the garbage. Sometimes I'll get a message from a friend on there, or whatever. Same with my account. The only time I would consider not letting her check my email is in a situation like communicating with a travel agent about honeymoon plans.

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People always say "if you dont trust them why are you with them?" I find, that too much is put on the 'myth' "you earn trust" sometimes how much we trust someone has nothing to do with them, its about us and our issues and our insecurities. Your boyfriend could be wonderful and give no reason for you not to trust him, you may find yourself thinking "I KNOW he wouldnt cheat on me" but I also think that a deep rooted insecurity that we are al capable of feeling prevents the rational thoughts from always being at the forefront of our minds and we begin to think "but what if he did..."

 

Any issues with trust usually start with us, past betrayal can influence a lot of how we judge situations, but usually in the height of emotion, and love is included in this, we arent always rational and sensible.

 

Checking his emails is wrong, we all know its wrong to check someone's stuff like going through thier mobile phones and stuff like that, invading their privacy, but if people were really really honest, they would admit that they may have done this at some point or at least wanted to.

 

I trust my boyfriend as a person he is incredibly wonderful and honest and I have NO reason to doubt his love for me. HOWEVER I was badly betrayed in the past by someone else I trusted and so sometimes that self doubt creeps in, usually "I am not good enough for him" and I see his phone lying on the sofa and he is in the bath and I think to myself 'If that wasnt password protected would I go through it?' usually the answer is 'yes' I own that.

 

I think if you have seen something on his email then you need to talk to him. However it isnt healthy to feel you have to share your entire life with someone and have NO privacy whatsoever! dont you ever email your friends for advice or to moan about a little thing he may have done, but being male not even realise how much it upset you?

 

I would probably sound like a complete neurotic if my boyfriend read my emails because of little things I have too incident with, once I have chatted to my mates and cleared my head I realise its my issues not his. both of you need to have some life that is outside of your relationship. Its not healthy to keep checking his emails you may become paranoid at everything!!

 

I once sent an email to my mate saying "[insert name] is driving me mad!! aghhh" because of one little thing he had done that weekend, once I had moaned and laughed a little it was fine. If he had of found that email his feelings would have been hurt. If I had of found an email similar on his machine I would have been really upset thinking "OMG!! I drive him mad!! he doesnt love me?!" ha ha ha you get my drift?

 

take care

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One of the biggest fallacies about marriage is that you become one person and have to share everything because you have nothing to hide.

 

He has the right to privacy and you have no right to question him if he decides to exercise it. If you don't wish to have privacy from him that is your choice but you should not try to impose that on him in turn.

 

 

that right there is it 100% accurate! If you dont trust him you dont need to be with him! I know from my past I have a lot of trust issues with men...this all comes from my father, who lied, and all that jazz.

 

My boyfriend has lied to me about his ex girlfriend calling, which I believe I pushed him to feel like he had to lie. So I am not sure exactly how to feel. I am still upset that he did lie. But you have to try to forgive and forget.

 

what did he lie about?

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