smoking

jayjay7 · 03-21-2006, 07:56 AM

Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags.

What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

hubman01 · 03-21-2006, 08:13 AM

Welcome To Enotalone.com!

As a smoker I have to defend him. He knows what it is doing to him but, smoking is more vile than you realize. Not only does he know that this habit is disgusting but, he also knows it is killing him. One thing to remember is that Nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine. They have rehab centers for people suffering from drug addiction but, no place for a smokers to go. Smoking is a powerful addiction that will take more than your constant nagging to get him to stop. My advice is for you to leave if your that unhappy with his habit. It is not fair for you to use your emotional connection to get him to stop.

This is the thing... You cannot MAKE him stop by playing with his emotions or playing mind games. HE HAS TO WANT TO STOP FIRST! You can encourage him but, to play games with his mind or heart is not right. If your not happy tell him then leave. If he loves you that much he will come to you. Then be there and support him while he tries to quit. Don't beat around the bush or play mind games be upfront and honest with him.

jayjay7 · 03-21-2006, 08:24 AM

Yes I am going to be very honest and upfront. The thing is, he does want to stop smoking. I have bought him loads of nicotine patches and tried to help him a lot. He promises me that on a specific day, if we're having a day out, he won't smoke at all, but then what does he do? He smokes. He knows I don't like it, and I'm getting fed up of him breaking his promises and wasting my money for nothing

I realise how hard it is and I'm not forgetting that, but he does want to quit and I want to help, but he won't use his willpower at all. I fear for my health too with all the second hand smoke and I'm going to tell him that I don't want to be near him while he keeps fooling himself that everything's ok.

Breaking up with him is out of the question, I'll let you know how it all goes x

onmyownagain · 03-21-2006, 08:49 AM

The trouble is, if you back him into a corner he will just smoke when you are not with him. That just makes things worse.

All you can do is hope he can give up but you nagging is not going to do it.

RayKay · 03-21-2006, 09:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jayjay7

Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags.

What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

I am not a smoker...but I can say he knows darn well what it's doing to his body. I know a few smokers, and they do KNOW what it does. Even my brother smoked for years, despite seeing my grandfather (whom he was close to) die of lung cancer (he was an ex-smoker). He finally quit after many tries, but it was hard for him without a doubt due to his personality. There is not a smoker these days whom is not aware of the toxins, or that it dramatically increases risks of several cancers, emphysema, that it stinks, dries out your skin...I don't know any smoker whom is not aware of that.

Honestly, I won't date someone whom IS a smoker because I do feel so strongly about it, and don't want their health on my concsience, or to put my health at risk. Plus it's a turn off. So that's my choice. But I certainly would never start dating a smoker and nag them to quit either - I went into it knowing full well they smoked, and only they can decide to quit. You have every right to decide you can't be there as he smokes, but if you are giving an ultimatum like that be prepared that it may not work out in your favour at all, but you still must be prepared to follow it. That's the thing with ultimatums...

Ultimately the choice has to be his, he has to want to do it. You can support him of course, bt can't force him. And it can take smokers several tries before they quit...the average is at least three serious attempts apparently.

piegirl · 03-21-2006, 09:30 AM

As a Smoker I have to say that quitting is a very hard thing to do. I have tried numerous times to quit and so far have not managed to do it.

I have however cut back alot. My BF and I have set many dates that we will both quit. We quit then end up smoking again. Wanting to quit is a great thing and it takes alot of willpower. It also takes more than the patches or other quit smoking products. Those help with nicotine withdrawel but they do not help with the physical aspects of smoking. You have certain times that you smoke such as after a meal, or when driving, these are your triggers and unless you find something else that to replace that physical part then it will not work.

My advice is to ask him to not smoke around you. Go outside to smoke, if you eat out eat in the non-smoking section. If you are on a long drive stop so that he can get out of the car to smoke. That will ensure that you are not around the second hand smoke. Only he can quit though you cannot make him.

Good Luck

**BellaDonna** · 03-21-2006, 09:44 AM

I know how you feel. When I first met my husband he was a smoker. I hated it-

He quit on his own about 2 years after we met. He just did it cold turkey. He made a decision that he was going to stop and that was it.

Your BF has to truly want to quit himself- nothing you say or do can make him quit if he's not ready to commit to kicking the addiction.

Perhaps a program that uses a combination of methods would be best for him, such as gum or patch along with a support group. There are so many different alternatives out there and he'll need to find what works best for him. Regardless of what he chooses, he has to really WANT to stop, or nothing will work.

BellaDonna

Lonelyinasmalltown · 03-21-2006, 11:15 AM

As an ex-smoker, from 2 packs a day to cold turkey, I have to agree with everyone when they say it's one of the hardest things to quit. Heck, I don't have to agree, I know.

The problem is that unless you REALLY want to quit, for yourself, you never will. Quitting smoking was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my enitre life. I actually had to take 2 weeks off to do it because I knew if I went to work I'd probably end up being fired due to withdrawl symptoms. The reason I quit? Mainly because I knew it was killing me, but the thing that finally gave me the courage to quit is in my avatar pic. There's something wrong when your cat can't run for more than a minute before she starts coughing like mad. Within 2 weeks of me quitting, my kitty stopped coughing. It's what keeps me from lighting up again when I'm stressed.

Still, even when I was smoking, I was able to keep my promises I made to my then girlfriend. If his smoking bothers you so much, you really should leave. He's never going to quit unless he wants to for himself.

Kyoshiro Ogari · 03-21-2006, 11:47 AM

At this stage of my life I can't be picky, but I would prefer not to date a smoker. It is a bad habit and an unhealthy one. But I can understand the addiction, because even when you know something is wrong, but you still continue to do it, then there is something even more wrong.

My grandmother was a heavy smoker up until 30 years ago. She lit up a cigarette and I said, "Nana, please stop smoking, I don't want you to die of cancer." She never took another smoke in her life after that. I say this to say that the addiction may be physical, but our minds are more powerful. If he can get himself in the right frame of mind, he can do it. My grandmother used her mind to conquer the habit, and she smoked like a forest fire.

As a non smoker all my life I have no experience in this, but I was addicted to Excederin. I suffered from migranes constantly and Excederin was the only thing that cured them. Of course I later learned the caffeine in Excederin was the cause of my headaches to begin with. I had to endure a week long of absolutely painful migranes and stop taking it. Now, years later, I get headaches, but not so often and if I do, I ride them out. And Excederin is nothing more than a myth to me now.

Your boyfriend should start with one day at a time, a few hours at a time. You say he doesn't smoke now as much as he used to. Maybe he can ween it down even more. It is going to take some time, but a year from now, the effort will be worth. I also suggest looking into support groups so that he doesn't go through this alone and he can learn from others what to do when withdrawl is making his life a living hell.

Good luck to you both.

Dako · 03-21-2006, 12:49 PM

I was a pack a day smoker when I got married. She never nagged or gave ultimata. Once we went on vacation and I didn't take cigs. After a day of misery she gave me a pack she'd hidden away. It impressed me so much that she restrained her hatred of the habit. That sort of freedom allowed me to quit on my own without patches or voodoo.
Nagging just makes you want a smoke.

Now I smoke a cigar every other day, but don't feel hooked. It tastes good.
So there. Naaaa!

03-21-2006, 07:56 AM	#1
jayjay7 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 14	smoking Hi, me and my boyfriend love each other dearly, but he smokes. Not as much as he used to (due to my constant nagging) but I'm getting sick of seeing him light up and him not knowing the damage it's causing to his body. We're having a weekend away by the sea in a couple of days and I'm thinking of telling him to enjoy it while he can because he wont see me for a while after that, to make him take me seriously and that it upsets me. I know it won't be long before he comes to his senses and realises that he wants me more than his fags. What does everyone think about this? This is my last resort, I love him too much to lose him to cancer.

03-21-2006, 08:13 AM	#2
hubman01 Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Location: next to the diaper bin! lol Gender: Male Age: 37 Posts: 1,630	Welcome To Enotalone.com! As a smoker I have to defend him. He knows what it is doing to him but, smoking is more vile than you realize. Not only does he know that this habit is disgusting but, he also knows it is killing him. One thing to remember is that Nicotine is more addictive than crack cocaine. They have rehab centers for people suffering from drug addiction but, no place for a smokers to go. Smoking is a powerful addiction that will take more than your constant nagging to get him to stop. My advice is for you to leave if your that unhappy with his habit. It is not fair for you to use your emotional connection to get him to stop. This is the thing... You cannot MAKE him stop by playing with his emotions or playing mind games. HE HAS TO WANT TO STOP FIRST! You can encourage him but, to play games with his mind or heart is not right. If your not happy tell him then leave. If he loves you that much he will come to you. Then be there and support him while he tries to quit. Don't beat around the bush or play mind games be upfront and honest with him. __________________ Cogito, ergo sum -"I think therefore I am" -René Descartes

03-21-2006, 09:44 AM	#7
BellaDonna Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: U.S. Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 6,583	I know how you feel. When I first met my husband he was a smoker. I hated it- He quit on his own about 2 years after we met. He just did it cold turkey. He made a decision that he was going to stop and that was it. Your BF has to truly want to quit himself- nothing you say or do can make him quit if he's not ready to commit to kicking the addiction. Perhaps a program that uses a combination of methods would be best for him, such as gum or patch along with a support group. There are so many different alternatives out there and he'll need to find what works best for him. Regardless of what he chooses, he has to really WANT to stop, or nothing will work. BellaDonna __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history." "Friendship should be a refuge, not an ordeal." Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone:http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

03-21-2006, 11:15 AM	#8
Lonelyinasmalltown Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Alberta, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 529	As an ex-smoker, from 2 packs a day to cold turkey, I have to agree with everyone when they say it's one of the hardest things to quit. Heck, I don't have to agree, I know. The problem is that unless you REALLY want to quit, for yourself, you never will. Quitting smoking was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my enitre life. I actually had to take 2 weeks off to do it because I knew if I went to work I'd probably end up being fired due to withdrawl symptoms. The reason I quit? Mainly because I knew it was killing me, but the thing that finally gave me the courage to quit is in my avatar pic. There's something wrong when your cat can't run for more than a minute before she starts coughing like mad. Within 2 weeks of me quitting, my kitty stopped coughing. It's what keeps me from lighting up again when I'm stressed. Still, even when I was smoking, I was able to keep my promises I made to my then girlfriend. If his smoking bothers you so much, you really should leave. He's never going to quit unless he wants to for himself. __________________ "Never make someone a priority.... When they only make you an option." "Love is giving someone the ability to absolutely destroy you.... and trusting that they won't" Last edited by Lonelyinasmalltown; 03-21-2006 at 11:18 AM.

03-21-2006, 11:47 AM	#9
Kyoshiro Ogari Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Detroit, MI Gender: Male Age: 36 Posts: 1,306	At this stage of my life I can't be picky, but I would prefer not to date a smoker. It is a bad habit and an unhealthy one. But I can understand the addiction, because even when you know something is wrong, but you still continue to do it, then there is something even more wrong. My grandmother was a heavy smoker up until 30 years ago. She lit up a cigarette and I said, "Nana, please stop smoking, I don't want you to die of cancer." She never took another smoke in her life after that. I say this to say that the addiction may be physical, but our minds are more powerful. If he can get himself in the right frame of mind, he can do it. My grandmother used her mind to conquer the habit, and she smoked like a forest fire. As a non smoker all my life I have no experience in this, but I was addicted to Excederin. I suffered from migranes constantly and Excederin was the only thing that cured them. Of course I later learned the caffeine in Excederin was the cause of my headaches to begin with. I had to endure a week long of absolutely painful migranes and stop taking it. Now, years later, I get headaches, but not so often and if I do, I ride them out. And Excederin is nothing more than a myth to me now. Your boyfriend should start with one day at a time, a few hours at a time. You say he doesn't smoke now as much as he used to. Maybe he can ween it down even more. It is going to take some time, but a year from now, the effort will be worth. I also suggest looking into support groups so that he doesn't go through this alone and he can learn from others what to do when withdrawl is making his life a living hell. Good luck to you both. Last edited by Kyoshiro Ogari; 03-21-2006 at 11:52 AM.

03-21-2006, 08:24 AM	#3
jayjay7 Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 14	Yes I am going to be very honest and upfront. The thing is, he does want to stop smoking. I have bought him loads of nicotine patches and tried to help him a lot. He promises me that on a specific day, if we're having a day out, he won't smoke at all, but then what does he do? He smokes. He knows I don't like it, and I'm getting fed up of him breaking his promises and wasting my money for nothing I realise how hard it is and I'm not forgetting that, but he does want to quit and I want to help, but he won't use his willpower at all. I fear for my health too with all the second hand smoke and I'm going to tell him that I don't want to be near him while he keeps fooling himself that everything's ok. Breaking up with him is out of the question, I'll let you know how it all goes x

03-21-2006, 08:49 AM	#4
onmyownagain Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: UK (South) Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 336	The trouble is, if you back him into a corner he will just smoke when you are not with him. That just makes things worse. All you can do is hope he can give up but you nagging is not going to do it.

03-21-2006, 09:30 AM	#6
piegirl Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 31 Posts: 144	As a Smoker I have to say that quitting is a very hard thing to do. I have tried numerous times to quit and so far have not managed to do it. I have however cut back alot. My BF and I have set many dates that we will both quit. We quit then end up smoking again. Wanting to quit is a great thing and it takes alot of willpower. It also takes more than the patches or other quit smoking products. Those help with nicotine withdrawel but they do not help with the physical aspects of smoking. You have certain times that you smoke such as after a meal, or when driving, these are your triggers and unless you find something else that to replace that physical part then it will not work. My advice is to ask him to not smoke around you. Go outside to smoke, if you eat out eat in the non-smoking section. If you are on a long drive stop so that he can get out of the car to smoke. That will ensure that you are not around the second hand smoke. Only he can quit though you cannot make him. Good Luck

03-21-2006, 12:49 PM	#10
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,113	I was a pack a day smoker when I got married. She never nagged or gave ultimata. Once we went on vacation and I didn't take cigs. After a day of misery she gave me a pack she'd hidden away. It impressed me so much that she restrained her hatred of the habit. That sort of freedom allowed me to quit on my own without patches or voodoo. Nagging just makes you want a smoke. Now I smoke a cigar every other day, but don't feel hooked. It tastes good. So there. Naaaa!