I can't do this anymore.. How should I come out to them!?

[KIDD]

This is really stressing me out. I know I may be making a big deal out of nothing but I feel like the walls are closing in on me & I have no where to escape. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you guys but you're the only people I can really talk to about this.

Today, another one of my friends called & he just went on & on about his girlfriend. He asked about my girlfriend & yet I made up another story. So he went on about how I should bring my girlfriend on a double date this Friday. That really shook me up! I'm already worried about this stupid party & how I'm going to get out of it. Now I have Friday to worry about sheesh...

This drove me to the breaking point. I have had it, I have to come out to them but I'm trying to figure out how?? It's not going to be easy. Should I just have a meeting with them & reveal my sexuality to them? Or should I call them up one by one & just tell them? Ugh, this is so confusing. It really looks like they'll put the pieces together anyway, especially if I start avoiding them or ducking out of situations that involves me bringing a girl.It's a win or lose situation.I talked with my mother & she couldn't really offer any good advice, which worries me because my mother usually have something good to say.

I'm very conflicted right now & I really don't need this in my life. On a good note, I'm talking with another guy on the internet who lives in my area.He hit me up on a personal column months ago, I gave him my e-mail but he hasn't responded back until last Friday.He apologized and said that his computer was down for a while & that he had been very busy. He seems cool so far but I'm not holding my breath with him as I've tried the internet thing before twice & it ended pretty bad. I've been talking with him for a couple of days, & we're the same age & we have alot in common. He's very funny & he likes to goof off, I really like him. Not in a romantic way but he seems like a cool person. I just hope he stays this way! It's weird, it's like I needed someone close to talk to & maybe god has sent this guy for me. Maybe perhaps if all of the so called straight friends leave me,I'll have at least one good friend to fall back on that knows about me from the beginning.

It's true what they say, you never know what tommorow brings. I'm feeling very lost & confused right now because I'm very scared. Things are changing for me. I start college this fall, meaning new people & new friends. A chance to make this experience better than high school was. I'm so glad I'm through with high school... boy! That was a horrible experience.Being home alot gives me a chance to think things through. I'm trying to gain this stength to come out to my friends! I have to be strong.. I have no choice. I seriously have butterflies in my stomach, it's that serious.

I really wish you guys lived closer, it would be so cool to hang out with all of you guys. I think it wouldn't be hard to come out to my other friends because I know I would have all of you to fall back on. You all are good cyber friends! Just wish everyone wasn't so far away..

[FoxLocke]

I really hope one day we can all meet up in person! lol. That would be great.

Anyway, I think you should tell them individually. It will be hard, no doubt about it. But I think it is getting to the point where you cannot keep this all bottled up anymore.

Perhaps, you ought to ask something like, "Dude, do you ever wonder why you have NEVER seen my girlfriend before?"

Basically, just pace yourself during the conversation. I had to preface my "I'm gay" statement with a whole story...And it actually took some of the pressure off.

Then you just get their reaction. Some people will say they are cool, but they generally fall away like leaves...Maybe your friends will accept you and maybe they want. However, I graduated highschool almost ten years ago and I don't EVER see anyone I knew then. And I am glad about it. We are different people now.

Good luck!

[Boricua7]

It is very hard to come out because you are afraid of losing people who are dear to you. Think about it this way: your true friends will be your friend no matter what your sexuality, race, political views, etc. Those who do not accept you for who you are were sure to disappoint you eventually anyway.

The next time someone mentions your girlfriend or something let them know that you're gay. The next time someone tells you that you should invite a girl ask them if it would be ok to bring a guy instead. They'll get the point. You don't have to call them up and be like "Hey. What's up. I'm gay."

You shouldn't have to hide who you are for acceptance...ever! Don't expect for shock to mean that they don't like you anymore either. When my friend came out my senior year I couldn't believe it. I am definitely not opposed to homosexuality or bisexuality or anything that isn't heterosexuality, I'm bi and have a gay uncle. It just threw me off. He is still my best friend to this day.

You are not going to lose all of your friends. You may lose some, but the ones worth keeping will stick by you no matter what.

I wish you the best of luck!

[mystik]

Whereabouts do you live? I'm asking to find out where you are going to college. Depending on where you live, and which college it is, you might just find the very place that will accept you for who you are and embrace it. I personally, am straight. However, I go to a large university in a big city and found that the acceptance of ALL kinds of people, regardless of race, sexual orientation, culture, etc, is so much larger than it was in highschool. I think this is true for many colleges compared to highschool. I have no doubt your experience there will be incredible. I have some gay friends and they love uni - one of them just got elected to be our school president (of 50,000 students)...now that's probably something that would have never happened in highschool.

I doubt your straight friends will leave you...they probably already somewhat know. Two of my friends have come out in the last two years, and both times...well we already knew. We never made any indication that we knew or suspected, respecting that when they felt comfortable, they would tell us themselves...but we knew. If you really have been good at hiding it though, sure they might be surprised, but I would hope that in this day and age, they would accept you. If they don't, well you don't need them anyway. PLUS, you'll be way too busy having a blast in uni!

I think you need to tell your friends, for your own sake...don't want to go mental now . I don't suggest making a "meeting" of it and telling them as a group. Tell the one you feel would be most accepting...who you are most comfortable with, first. Do it in person, so you can and discuss it if need be. After telling someone who responds positively, you will feel better and less scared telling someone else. Make sure the first person you tell, will respect that YOU will tell the others, and it is not for them to tell.

Keep us updated

P/S Yay for enotalone*

[Boricua7]

Originally Posted by mystik

I doubt your straight friends will leave you...they probably already somewhat know. Two of my friends have come out in the last two years, and both times...well we already knew. We never made any indication that we knew or suspected, respecting that when they felt comfortable, they would tell us themselves...but we knew.

Oh how true this is! Only one person has ever shocked me before and that was the guy I mentioned. Even with my uncle I knew. One day I just turned to my mom and said "Is tio (the spanish word for uncle) gay?" I was 6-years-old.

I have many gay friends here at my university and it is much easier for them here than in high school. People are more accepting and mature at this point in their lives. Those who aren't are closeminded and ignorant people who will probably never grow up all of the way and who cares what people like that think anyway?

Everything will be fine. Things may be rough at first but you will be so much happier being true to yourself and those you love.

Let us know how everything goes!

[Jinx]

This is really stressing me out. I know I may be making a big deal out of nothing but I feel like the walls are closing in on me & I have no where to escape. I'm sorry if I'm bothering you guys but you're the only people I can really talk to about this.

You just have to love the coming out process. Anyhow, we're all here to listen to everything, not bothersome a bit. I think for all of us coming out is extremely stressful on so many levels and I understand that claustrophobic feeling about the whole matter, it isn't a nice feeling to have. Almost like an impending doom, thing.

I just hope he stays this way! It's weird, it's like I needed someone close to talk to & maybe god has sent this guy for me

I've always lived by the idea that everyone we meet in life is there for a reason. Every good experience, every bad, all the people - the good, the bad, and the ugly has reason. This may indeed be the person you were meant to know, we'll never know why at the roots we met these exact people in our lives but each provides something at some point. Hopefully it will turn out well

As for coming out, I wouldn't give myself anything near a 5 Star rating at the moment for Coming Out to friends advice but I'll give it the best stab I can. Personally, when it came to coming out to a larger group of friends I did it individually. It may be more time consuming but seems a deal less threatening than a group and you don't get that "herd mentality" for awhile, potentially because one doesn't know if the other knows I presume. I think it would be best to start with the most open minded friend you have, "easy" target and work your way up to the harder crowd, or at least what you presume, people can surprise for better or worst.

I think in the case of the guy who is asking about the date, it would be who of you to tell him soon if you can. Maybe start out with saying you really want to be honest and have to tell him something of importance, and how it relates to dates and parties. I'm assuming he'll probably follow up by listening and you can tell him there that you don't have a girlfriend. It was a lie because you wanted so much to fit in with the rest of the group and not an outcast and afraid that if you didn't that you'd be rejected. I presume then you could follow up by saying in one form or another that you're just not into women and are gay, and hoping that he will accept you but if not that is his choice and you will not force any thought preference upon him and be his to choose but you just wanted to let it out and don't want to be dishonest with people you're concerned about because that doesn't make for a sturdy foundation.

After I got out of class today I sat down and decided I'd come up with a way to tell my best friend that I wrote about in my last post that I'm a lesbian. Even though we've got slightly different scenarios to be dealt with that is one way I plan to take care of it and you may be able to do the same. Just let it be known that you value the person and want them to know up front before it goes any further, that yes there was some make belief stuff but it was because you like the company so much you didn't want to lose it thus did this but decided it would be the best for everyone to make it clear and clean it up. Secondly, that once its been told the ball is in their court to decide and you've did your part and nothing else you can do but be yourself from then on.

Of course that is a tad lengthy, especially if you're a bundle of nerves and get tongue tied over the whole issue. Who knows if I can pull all of it off in one long speech but I'm really going to try and for anyone in our positions it really does get everything across in a nutshell. All the Why's are answered clearly without many Huh possibilities there after.

I don't know if that is anything that helps but I don't know myself really how to approach it otherwise. I'm usually pretty good with words but this is just one of those situations where all rational thought goes out the window.

You all are good cyber friends! Just wish everyone wasn't so far away..

It is unfortunate, can't pack everyone into a car and move to San Francisco. Only wishful thinking there it seems as I do believe we're all on opposite corners of the US and beyond.

[KIDD]

Hey thanks guys for all of the replies. It made me feel better somewhat, still a little nervous though. I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to do this exactly. Maybe I should just leave them e-mails saying that I am gay lol.I know it's a pretty geeky way to do it. So if they don't call back, I will definately get the picture. I just don't want to be called names or rejected. I am so a punk lol sometimes.

Hey Boricua7, I noticed that you are in Georgia! I am too, I am in the Atlanta area. What part are you in?

Mystik - I will be attending Georgia Perimeter for 2 years & then I'll eventually go somewhere else until I get myself together. I really need to stay home for now, I need to focus on getting a job & getting my license & car. So that way I can drive myself back & forth to school.

Foxlocke - You have some very good advice. I wonder if I should basically just throw some hints towards them & maybe they'll get the picture. Throwing in a whole bunch of comments & topics about homosexuality & how they feel about it.

Jinx - I really like your scenario about approaching my friends about the situation. Firstly talking about not having a girlfriend & gradually explaining as to why I lied. I'm really thinking about how I will go about this. They think homosexuality is a choice & that you can change to liking females if you want to. This will be so hard to explain. However, I will have to move on & I'm 19 years old & this is just the beginning of my life. I don't want to live life a lie, but in honesty. I've learned that lying gets you know where. I just wish back in 7th grade when I first met these people, I was comfortable in my own sexuality enough to tell them in the beginning. That way if they left, they would have been gone a long time ago.But I've actually bonded with these people.

In all I have alot of thinking to do. Alot of praying & asking god to help give me strength because I really need him right now. If they leave, it would seem like the end of a chapter.. but yet a new one. It would be so cool if they were accepting & I could bring my dates out with them. I would love that!

[Boricua7]

I go to UGA so I'm in Athens. You're not far away at all. My boy toy is in Atlanta. He goes to Tech. A lot of people who go to Perimeter end up at Tech. Who knows, you might too! Plus, there are a lot of guys at Tech. This is a good thing for girls and gay guys! I swear, it's like going to a theme park! Some attractions are more attractive than others though, LOL!

[KIDD]

Originally Posted by Boricua7

I go to UGA so I'm in Athens. You're not far away at all. My boy toy is in Atlanta. He goes to Tech. A lot of people who go to Perimeter end up at Tech. Who knows, you might too! Plus, there are a lot of guys at Tech. This is a good thing for girls and gay guys! I swear, it's like going to a theme park! Some attractions are more attractive than others though, LOL!

Hmmm, sounds like fun lol!I may have to check out tech. I know some friends that go to UGA, you might even know them or at least have seen their faces there. I hope Perimeter have some cute people for the time being. I know it shouldn't all be about the people, but I really need to be focusing on school. Like I've said before, I'm just going to be more straight foward with my sexuality in college.

[Boricua7]

Originally Posted by Thakid001

I'm just going to be more straight foward with my sexuality in college.

I had to chuckle at the irony of what you said. All puns aside, I do believe that is the best policy. Embrace who you are and be open with it. Not everyone is going to like you whether your gay, straight, bi, white, black, hispanic, republican, democratic, etc. You might as well accept that, be yourself and be happy.