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Why do some men come on too strong the first few dates?


skyler

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I met this great guy, he's funny, cute, nice body, we went out twice and had a great time both nights. Here's the thing...He is coming on so strong in terms of telling me how beautiful and sexy I am! (which is nice, but it's just too much!) Is he just a smooth talker? He acts like we are a couple but I've only gone out with him twice! What is going on here? I need help. I really like him, but I'm scared.

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I met this great guy, he's funny, cute, nice body, we went out twice and had a great time both nights. Here's the thing...He is coming on so strong in terms of telling me how beautiful and sexy I am! (which is nice, but it's just too much!) Is he just a smooth talker? He acts like we are a couple but I've only gone out with him twice! What is going on here? I need help. I really like him, but I'm scared.

 

 

I think you are overreacting; he is relaxed, but you seem to be on-edge. I suggest you chill out!

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I think you are overreacting; he is relaxed, but you seem to be on-edge. I suggest you chill out!

 

You clearly have no idea how uncomfortable guys like that can make a woman. lol. I have bad luck in that department. Most of the guys that I've met come on waaaay too strong and it makes determining their character a little difficult. It can either mean that they really are a little too comfortable with themselves or that they have NO clue about the dating world and think what they're doing is right. Not only can it be decieving but it gets annoying. I met a guy once who on our first "date" almost drove off of the road because he kept staring at me and telling me how beautiful I was....It creeped me the hell out. Seriously guys. Less is more!

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Skyler and Empathy, I also get leery of guys who come on too strong in the beginning. It scares me and puts me on the defensive because I have heard that guys who come on too strong in the beginning, usually drop the relationship quickly too, or they are too insecure with themselves and want to "own" you right off the bat. My ex was like that. He came onto me very strongly in the beginning. On our second date, he was trying to make out heavily with me and kiss me and hold me all the time. On the third date, he was already assuming that I was his gf and that we were an item. He scared me a bit because of his forcefulness and because it was so in a hurry. I did know that he was very insecure about himself and that he had been dumped a lot in the past so, I think he was trying to reassure himself. He later did admit to me, during our first breakup, that he had committed himself to a relationship with me a bit too early in the beginning and didnt realize how incompatible we were.

 

Now, if a guy were to get too clingy and forceful in the beginning of a relationship, my guard would probably be up. With my past disasters in dating, the next relationship I find, I will probably try to take things slowly.

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When a guy comes on too strong too early, it often means he's just interested in the sex, and not a meaningful relationship. Don't let him set the pace, and if you're not comfortable with what he's doing and saying, listen to your feelings and trust them. And especially, give yourself permission to set your own pace to something that is more comfortable for you, and slow things down.

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Same difference. It's either emotional instability, insecurity, or an excessive interest in sex as opposed to a deeper and more meaningful relationship. Bottom line... if it's not according to your own comfort level, then slow it down, or just bypass it completely. The main thing is to honor your own needs, and be true to yourself.

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  • 2 weeks later...
You clearly have no idea how uncomfortable guys like that can make a woman. lol. I have bad luck in that department. Most of the guys that I've met come on waaaay too strong and it makes determining their character a little difficult. It can either mean that they really are a little too comfortable with themselves or that they have NO clue about the dating world and think what they're doing is right. Not only can it be decieving but it gets annoying. I met a guy once who on our first "date" almost drove off of the road because he kept staring at me and telling me how beautiful I was....It creeped me the hell out. Seriously guys. Less is more!

 

 

I don't think you quite understand--I have plenty of experiences myself. I find it still to be primarily all in a woman's head!

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Hmm, I dunno... once again I have to play the devil's advocate. In the past, I've been known to compliment girls I've liked or been casually dating telling them that they were pretty or beautiful (but it was no lie, it was honestly how I felt), and you know what? I usually, if not always, got a favourable response. I usually got a blush, smile or giggle followed by a 'thank you.' I don't think they thought I was out after getting into their pants. But maybe they could sense that I was being legitimate and sincere.

 

Women are often very intuitive on these matters. So maybe that was why I was never blown off for saying stuff like that. *Shrugs* lol

 

But I certainly never thought I was coming on too strong. I was merely saying what I thought and what was on my mind at the time. Nothing more. Simply a compliment.

 

Frankly, unless the guy's a player (which I am not), then I don't see why a woman would be offended by receiving a nice compliment meant as nothing more. Doesn't make sense to me. But I AM nuts, you know. Or maybe some people just don't know how to gracefully accept a compliment or kind word here and there...

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Or maybe some people just don't know how to gracefully accept a compliment or kind word here and there...

I've also blushed, smiled, or giggled at a sincere compliment. But I think when comments like that make a girl uncomfortable, and when she thinks the guy is coming on too strong, it's usually not that she can't accept a compliment. After all, the OP did say she really liked the guy, but still felt something was "too much." And he's acting like they're a couple after just 2 dates. Well, deciding to be a couple is a mutual decision where they both get a vote, but if he's deciding that for both of them, that's definitely a red flag.

 

So it's probably not that she can't take a compliment. Usually a sincere compliment doesn't automatically make a guy seem to be coming on too strong (and that's why you've had a good response). Usually it's because of the other things you said... the guy's a player, or has an agenda. And yeah, women can usually sense something's not quite right, even when she can't understand exactly what it is. The first few times a women encounters a player, it's really confusing trying to read those signals he's sending, so she might ask her girlfriends, or guy friends, or post on a board. ;-)

 

And the OP said he mentions how "sexy" she is. Well, to me, talk about how I'm "sexy" means he thinking about "sex." If he's going at a faster speed than what feels comfortable for her, it's best to pay attention to that. And the OP also said she was starting to feel "scared," and I say woman should definitely trust her instincts because we do tend to know when something's not right (and the more you trust your instincts, the more accurate they become). Heck, I've even had guys "scare" me without them saying a single word. I guess the point I'm making... players tend to be "scary" because they make a woman feel like she's the prey and he's the predator, and like his ideas/agenda about the relationship are different from her ideas/agenda. And that's a totally different feeling from getting a sincere compliment from a guy you like and have gone out with a couple of times.

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Well, I certainly have never had an 'agenda.' And I refrain from using terms like 'sexy', etc. until we're mutually exclusive. Even I know enough not to say that! My compliments tend to keep things about the neck. 'My, what beautiful eyes', not 'My what a nice rack, my dear!' lmao

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  • 4 weeks later...

There's not enough information yet. I personally think he is WAY overdoing it. He doesn't have much self control if he is overdoing the compliments. He should cut that stuff back. He could either be a player, or just a guy with no sense of going too far. Unless you want to give more info, the best I can say is to judge for yourself.

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i would like to know this too!!!! i feel for ya tesser.

 

it is creepy & kind of ruins the date. can't they wait a bit??

 

i just went on a 2nd date with a guy i really like. it was spur of the moment. he was in the area-- i said no, but he knew my area so he started driving around with me on the other end of the line. i finally gave in and told him directions.

i don't live alone, and know enough about him to know he's not a threatening guy.

 

i knew kissing might be in the cards--so i was prepared.

.......but he was way touchier than i like on a second date. also, he kept complimenting me... a lot.

perfect this and that -- which is nice but made me feel uncomfortable after a while.

 

how do i tell him to shut up... nicely? i like him a lot but there's more to me than looks. it makes me less interested now because i feel like he's not looking at anything else.

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