Recovering From An Addiction..need help

Ok not sure if this is the forum I should post in..

I posted a couple days ago about my ex breaking up with me. I have an "issue" with drinking. I have been very up and down with him over the last year...due to my drinking. The only thing is..he never knew I HAD a drinking problem. I hid it from him..and well, most everyone for that matter. I am ashamed for the way I treated him..some of the things I said to him when I was "tanked". So very scared of what he thinks of me now.

I left a voicemail for him yesterday..telling him I DO have this "problem'....and I tried not to make excuses. I was as honest and forthright as I could be.

I haven't heard from him..nor do I expect to, and I am willing to accept that.

I attended my first AA meeting tonight. It was a fairly large group. The honesty and candor there was amazing. There were all these people talking about all these crazy insane things they had done while drinking...without flinching. I hate to say it but I felt at home. No judgements, no leering stares, no finger pointing....just simply everyone admitting their human frailties.

I spoke for the first time...and asked about relationships. I was told that when in recovery it's best to NOT get involved with anyone for at least a year...or more, because it hinders your recovery.

That leads me to this question...After my confession to my ex...would it be out of line to ask he consider talking to me again in six months ? NOT "date" me..just talk to me. I know I hurt him, and he might not understand where I am in my life. I would also like to be abkle to make "amends"with him when that Step of the program comes. Should I wait till THAT time? Or ask him before I start recovery?

Thanks in advance.

Nope , although it looks controversial for your feelings, it would be best to stick with the AA advice, you see you aren't 'ready' for a relationship, and you can't 'see' the damage and hurt you do to other people with your addiction, your selfishness (which you probably don't even notice) is that your constant grabbing towards 'the bottle' prohibits you from preventing to do other people damage on a emotional level , this is why you have to stay out of harms way, and not involve other people(in which i mean your loved ones) into dragging them into your problems, because even tho a family/partner can be supportive, then cannot provide you with the professional help that you currently need to get rid of your addiction. So stay with the AA group, and post your emotions here in this forum, so you will never get the feeling you are alone, because you are not alone , we are here for you too sweety *big hugs*.

That leads me to this question...After my confession to my ex...

Your not ready for this question yet, once you are recovered then you can start asking these kind of questions and try to mend and guide your life back into recovery as you should again. Be protective of other people and yourself. Say to yourself 'stop, to here and no further'. Prevent yourself from opening 'gateways' that lead to misery, the bottle is a gateway to misery so you want to stay away from it for the rest of your life. Since you can't deal with it, there is no other option then to BANN it from your life.

LEFEM24,

Please know that for right now, you should NOT be contacting him at all.

To call and say can we discuss in 6 months...that will put a burden on you that is not good. For Today and only for today, "one day at a time" remember, just "let go", for now you are "powerless" over him and especially your drinking. One small step at a time, takes us so many miles ahead to "good things".

When you heard in the meeting to wait "one year" through recovery to "get involved" there is nothing more meaningful, you heard it, yet your first reaction is to "Let HIM know you are aware of your troubles, and are working on them", well it's none of his business, make YOU, YOURSELF, and getting better you FIRST AND ONLY GOAL... There is a reason they say this in AA, it's from EXPERIENCE and there is no better teacher, trust it, let go and stay in No contact for now, even if just for today.

Nothing worthwhile will happen in your relationship until you take this step first.

Keep going back to AA meetings, even if you have to go twice a day, go for YOU, not so you can get HIM to see you are doing better, YOU are much more IMPORTANT THAN YOUR EX right now...

Heal yourself first. There is nothing more attractive than someone who "gets on with thier life" and "get's thier act together", but not after making "announcements" about it, but just by DOING IT...

and YOU are, you are taking the first step, and a very courageous one at that, you went to an AA meeting, that is so amazing, and so mature, and so incredible, give yourself credit for this, don't look for you ex's approval, his opinion of you is worthless for today, simply worthless, whether he's thinking GOOD or BAD of you is irrelevent.

YOU ARE SPECIAL, IMPORTANT AND WONDERFUL.. you just need to work on peeling back a few layers through the steps of AA to finally reveal the REAL WONDERFUL YOU, that has been there all along...

Your ex will sense that you have "grown" once you truly STOP CONTACT, and work on yourself, it's like a Karma thing, you move on, work on you, ignore him and then all of the sudden the domino's start to all fall and everything feels better and all is as it should be... for today just for today, try to be in acceptance that a "'higher power" has things just as they are suppose to be for your best interest, even if it hurts for now, you are on the road to a better life... and YOU deserve it. Let go... and all will be right. You're doing great and you are amazing to have admitted your problem with alchohol and are now doing something about it, this is a major step and it's all you can handle for now. Take control of the one thing you DO have control over, YOU... put your ex in fate's hands and know that you have nothing to offer right now to anyone but yourself... you are worthy.

Thank you Robo...

I agree with you.I have been extremely selfish.Ironically though, when I am sober I am extremely generous and thoughtful. I used to think of people who drank as "slum" people. Or people on skid row. Its not the case. I saw a couple of beautiful girls in AA...many I would NEVER suspect being "alkis" or having any issues like this. It's opened my eyes .I want to change...for ME.

I also agree that I should only be thinking day to day right now..and cross that bridge with my ex when I get to it. I am trying to keep my head out of the "bag" one day at a time, and I can't worry about what happens down the road.

I will try to keep going..one day at a time.

Blender, your post made me cry.

I know Ii shouldn't care what he thinks....but the fact is,I do. I hurt him because of this "monster" I turned into. I really AM doing this for me..not him.

I realized though that NOW is not the time to consider that, because it's pointless to announce my intentions to change to someone who may or may not care.

I took a HUGE step in even TELLING him I had this problem when I left him a message yesterday. To be honest..it felt like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I was no longer afraid of being "found out".

I am happy to finally be able to be HONEST with myself...and with how bad things have gotten. I was in total denial.

Thank you so much for your advice Blender

LEFEM24,

You are wonderful. When I read your response that if felt good to "be honest' i was so choked up, this is a HUGE thing to learn. This guy, your ex, he will be back around... I know he will... especially if you just keep doing what you have started, taking care of YOU.

I don't know how old you are, but you sound like you are getting more mature by the minute. When you find an interest, a new one, whatever it may be, a hobby, whatever, you will see wonderful things will just siimply be put in your path. Like a handsome, caring, understanding guy, (maybe even your ex) who will come around just in time to share your new found, inner-strength and happiness... you are on the right path for right now... trust it. I am so inspired by you. Especially since you are still "hurting" so... but you have taken the time to "look at yourself".... this is a sign of the many wonderful things that await you.

I drafted this email ....I considered mailing to my ex....

I explained in a voicemail to you my "issues"..

Well... I attended my first AA meeting tonight. It was a fairly large group. The honesty and candor there was amazing. There were all these people talking about all these crazy insane things they had done while drinking...without flinching. I hate to say it but I felt at home. No judgements, no leering stares, no finger pointing....just simply everyone admitting their human frailties.

I realize that while I am certainly NOT as bad as some of the people I saw there...I was heading down that path, and the scary thing is..it could be ANYone. There was a wide spectrum of people there.Some successful, and some hanging on by a thread..but they were there...to get help. That was the bottom line.

To me, that was simply amazing.

Some people don't know HOW to reach out...because they simply don't know

that they are in fact in pain. Instead they lash out, and hope someone will ask them if they can help.

This is where *I* was..I needed help and didn't even know it.

I never want to be the person tha turns their back on someone in that much pain.

I never want to judge someone for getting comfort in the only way they know how..

That is what addiction is about.

I am telling you this because I wish I had the opportunity to talk to you about how I struggled with

this everyday. I was never granted that opportunity.

Then again,

If I would have told you about this early on...would it have made a difference?

How do you tell someone you like that you feel like a loser because your ex cheated on you? How do you tell someone you like that you have a problem

when you drink or that you NEED to drink in order to cope? Do you think this 'confession" would have been sexy or enticing in ANY way?? I wanted to talk to you so many times, but I was afraid of being rejected and judged.

Doesn't it make sense that most of my "scathing" emails were sent at night?? When I was home alone??

Every unanswered email...made me feel MORE rejected. more hurt...more "unworthy". I had to blame SOMEONE.

This was my mindset at the time. Rather than getting off my "Boo Hoo Jones' butt...I

felt bad for myself. Accomplishing nothing.

Right now, my goal is simply to "clean up"...for real. That starts being honest with myself about how bad things have gotten....and with others..namely

those who have been affected by my actions.

I deeply regret a lot of things I did. I can't take it back...but I can

start by making changes...one day at a time. That's all I can promise

or guarantee anyone..including myself.

That's about as honest, candid and forthright as I can possibly be.

I appreciate you reading this, thank you.

Okay, please just keep this email you drafted for YOURSELF. There is no need to explain things to him, besides when guys see a "long letter" they just "shut down" emotionally, it's just the way they are. If you truly want his attention then just STOP CONTACT, if only for today,

I make it a policy to never send an email, text, im, without waiting 24 hours after I write it and even then I ask myself, "What are you "expecting" from this? If you are "expecting" to get a reaction, or make him "feel" something, then you should NOT send it. Please know this is NOT the time to involve him in anything in your life, I promise you he is not going anywhere... for now, please let him go... YOU are going everywhere, if you can just concentrate on YOU, trust me, he can not provide you with anything until you can provide the security within your own self.

And one of the first things in AA is to remember "compaire and you will despair".. You said, "I was not as bad off as some people at the meeting" You are still "judging" others, this is not such a nice thing to do... all people deserve the same respect, no one is "more than" or "less than" another.

If you send this, he will probably just roll his eyes at it.. not because you are not worthy, but just because it's not HIS problem, it's YOURS and you are trying to get some "approval" from him.. that's not going to happen, it just won't, not until you take the time, yes TIME to heal yourself...

Your ex is not your "higher power" and that is what you are making him, this is a mistake, he does not have the power to make you feel better about yourself, and that is a burden for a girl to put on any man... he will simply think of it as a burden, and it is..

YOU are POWERLESS right now, hand everything over to fate, God, a higher power, the universe, whatever you believe in and LET GO... this is the only way things will get better and then and only then will you be "okay" to reach out to your ex..... YOU ARE MORE IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW....

please try not to send this email to him, write as many as you like, but don't send them, if you wait even a day or two and re--read what you wrote, you wouldn't send it...so just wait at least 24 hours, believe me you ex is not going anywhere... he's just not....

but he will be "running away" if he thinks you "need" him to justify your healing.. that's too much for anyone... YOU ARE DOING GREAT.. JUST REMEMBER ONE DAY AT A TIME, JUST FOR TODAY, YOU WILL LET GO.. JUST FOR TODAY... SEE HOW YOU FEEL TOMORROW.

Blender, you're awesome

You are so right too...I was being judgemental when I made that comment..and didn't even realize it.WOW.Thanks for pointing that out.

I PROMISE not to send it...I doubt I will.I just like to get it "out there"..so to speak.

You said you think he will be back. What makes you say this? You really think

even after me telling him he would want me back?

This is NOT to say HIS opinion is the important thng here, just curious why you think that.

I AM going to do the 90 in 90..or TRY to at least.

I think this will be a good step.

LEFEM24,

You sound so great... you're already getting stronger. When I say he will be back around.... trust me, even if only out of curiosity of "why you have moved on and you are not contacting him" he will "sense" that you are changing, DO NOT make an announcement to him, just "let go" and the ninety meetings in ninety days, is a great GOAL, but try to do it one day at a time, you are doing so well, and you are setting goals for yourself, and believe me, writing out all your feelings to him in a letter, not sending it to him and posting it here, is a FABULOUS idea, you can then like you said, "get it out there". The universe is so complicated and we are so powerless, but all things are EXACTLY AS THEY SHOULD be. It's when we RESISTS what is happening and FIGHT it, that is where the REAL pain is.. You are now entering into "acceptance" and "responsibiity" for yourself, and that is the first step to all things working out just right.

You are going to have some tough days, it's all about the ups and downs of trying to "start" a great new life. Give yourself a break, and know that you are starting to heal. Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. Feel your heartache, cry, scream, punch the pillow, stay in bed, just feel the heartache and your heart will grow stronger, and you will look up when the dust settles and you will have a wonderful person in your path, he will simply just be there, and he will be so HAPPY to see a 'TOGETHER', STRONG, INDEPENDENT, LOVING GIRL like YOU. remember, one day at a time, things are exactly as they should be for this moment. Stay in the present. Someone said to me, If you have one step in the past and one step in the future, you are "blanking" all over TODAY. You're perfect for today, just breath and believe. We are here for you, write as much as you want to get through those times of "i miss him"... they will come and go... All will be okay, in the meantime you are becoming the best....

Ahhhhh Blender...you're posts are a breath of fresh air. I am smiling

I was downin the dumps this morning but better after posting for a while. I have a meeting I'm attending this evening...woohoo my 2nd day!!!

I am SO thankful I have this site...and my health, and the air in my lungs right now, and that I have a job to go to....I am trying to NOT dwell on all the crappy stuff. Just live and let God...

LEFEM24, I'm just wondering how you are doing? Are you still going to meetings? Keeping up no contact with the "ex"? Are you okay? Just thinking of you... and hope you are still taking it one day at a time... Let us know how you're doing.. best, blender