oh god, this is like my worse nightmare

skyewaski · 02-04-2006, 09:59 PM

Hi, I am a mother of two teenagers a 15 and a 14 year old. I divorced my husband 10 years ago and have raised my children all on my own. He doesn't pay child support and doesn't call my children on their birthdays. He sends them a small gift certificate for x-mas and thats about it. This is all trivial. The reason I left my husband is because he comes from a very disturbing family. His brother is a registered sex offender. He raped a 13 year old girl. The girl was a best friend of his own daughter's. I left my husband in fear that his brother would someday molest my children. Now I fear even more. My children want to visit their father and their is nothing I can do to stop my kids from seeing him. They will be staying with him for a week. any advice or thoughts? thankyou

DN · 02-04-2006, 10:07 PM

Why would you take your children from your their father because his brother molested other children? Did you think he would do the same thing? And if you knew he was from a disturbed family and that bothered you then why did you have children with him?

I don't mean to be harsh but just based on what you have written it seem a little drastic to break up the family over that. Surely there must be more to the story?

As to your immediate concerns - if their uncle is a registered sex offender, surely he must be under court orders to stay away from children.

skyewaski · 02-04-2006, 10:17 PM

yes their is a whole lot more to the story. my ex husband abused me physically and sexually. i wish i could erase him from my memory and my childrens but i know that isn't possible. as far as his disturbing family i didn't know what i was getting into at that time. it was hell egtting away from him. he was a lousy husband and father.

mgirl · 02-04-2006, 10:33 PM

Youch, that is a tough situation. Why do the children want to see him so suddenly? Do you think he has been manipulating them through writing to them or something?

Maybe you could go with them and all stay in a hotel, and let them visit him during the day. I don't know, it sounds a little suspicious to me. I don't know if you can stop them from seeing him, but instruct them to call you and to not be afraid to tell you if anything goes wrong.

Shadows Light · 02-04-2006, 10:48 PM

How much of a relationship do the boys have with thier father?
Aside from b-day gifts and Xmas gifts. How often have they seen their father?

If they have had NO contact with him in 10 years.. I understand your trepidation. Thats a long time. Did he not want to see the children?

I can't imagine how you would prepare the boys for a visit like this?

Since you have been a vigilant mother and savy to "molestation" I'm sure you have talked to the boys about it. They are 14 & 15... and odds are that they will be ok.

You've also taught them morals, values, manners and the love you very very much. Do you thing that your ex-husband will be a negative influence on them? Don't worry.. you've done a good job raising them. Those morals and values are all there very very deep. You may be worrying for nothing.

Why don't you get a Pay-as-u-go Cell phone for them so they can keep in touch with you.

yme · 02-04-2006, 11:09 PM

I, too, might come across as sounding harsh, but I wish to help if I can.

First of all, anything that you might do to prevent your children from seeing their natural father without just cause will return to haunt you in future; it is possible that they might even hate you for so doing.

Secondly, I do not know the laws in the US, but I am guessing that, if the father has any previous history (known to the authorities) of abuse, be it physical or sexual, would they not be very interested indeed if a visitation was about to take place?

Thirdly, have you ever explained to your children why you and your husband are apart? Do they have any idea of your worries?

They are still relatively young, but not too young that you cannot voice your fears for them. After all, you want them to be on their guard against any 'assaults' that may or may not take place. If you keep them in the dark they will only see your running interference as taking out your feelings for your ex husband upon them.

I cannot offer you any advice; it is for each parent to decide how to raise their children. I would, however, suggest you ask yourself if you are acting in their best interest, or your own.

As I say, brutal. I hope you can find the best solution for you and your children.

DN · 02-04-2006, 11:38 PM

I think you should talk to your kids, they are old enough to understand the truth about their uncle but do not say anything negative about their father, that will not serve you. You don't have to say anything positive either, just tell them that you would prefer not to discuss the marriage but want them to form their own opinions.

Rayana · 02-05-2006, 03:23 AM

I wouldnt allow my kids near those people, even if it is their father and uncle. Its better to be safe then sorry. if any of my girls were abused it would haunt me for the rest of my life not to mention affect my daughters future and relationships with men.

I would however allow them to meet with their father as long as i or someone i trust were present.

I know my viewpoint is a bit different but i have no tollerance for sexual abusers and rapist. Father or not father, he is still capable of causing damage.

AwdreeHpburn · 02-06-2006, 11:42 AM

I don't think I understood enough from what you wrote. I didn't see anywhere that it said the gender of your children. Not that it matters, but someone said "your boys."

I definetly agree that you should not punish the father of your children for something his brother did. Or your children for something their uncle did.

Has anyone in your family ever stolen anything? Been in a fight? Been caught drinking and driving? I'm not comparing a sex offender to a bar fighter, but no one's family is perfect.

Whatever their gender, children need the influence of their father. Obviously, that is why they are requesting to see him. I do think they are old enough to understand your concern and to look out for each other.

Is that REALLY the reason you left your ex-husband? Because of where he comes from? I'm not judging, just curious. I come from a very different and much more disturbing background than my husband but he chose to help me get away from it. Maybe you tried and couldn't get your husband away? Maybe your husband chose NOT to distance himself?

Ash · 02-06-2006, 01:28 PM

You've managed this situation for 10 years, you must be doing something right!

I'm not sure if your kids know the truths of the situation, and why you're afraid for them to see your ex. I also assume there are a lot of reasons, some diminished over time, that the two of you split and those reasons are likely relevant as well.

As others have mentioned, trying to control what your kids want to do is not a winning situation. If they really want to go and see him it may be tough to talk them out of it, but that in no way means they shouldn't know all about the situation. In a very few short years, they'll be totally free to decide what they do and when they do it, and even now (depending on the exact laws where you live) should they express wishes to live with dad, it may mean that serious though would have to be given, which I doubt either you or him want.

I can't envision a person leaving their kids alone for 10 years, not paying support, then wanting to have them live with him unless he has changed drastically. And a drastic change is not likely. Based on that, I'd say you're in no danger of losing your kids to him in any way. All that is likely to happen is they'll validate in their own minds why the two of you split in the first case.

You should be able to stipulate that when they're with dad, dad's brother is not allowed anywhere near. You are still the sole legal guardian (I would assume) and given that fact, you do have control over who else should be around. (Not quite so simple with your ex though which is why you posted in the first place).

So, in closing, two things.

1. You probably never want to see your ex again, and would be more than happy if your kids never did either. It's okay to feel that way.

2. Tell your kids the truth about why things are how they are and let them reach their own conclusions, which are likely to be somewhat like yours. Put faith in them, they're your kids, you raised them.

Good luck.

02-04-2006, 09:59 PM	#1
skyewaski Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 96	oh god, this is like my worse nightmare Hi, I am a mother of two teenagers a 15 and a 14 year old. I divorced my husband 10 years ago and have raised my children all on my own. He doesn't pay child support and doesn't call my children on their birthdays. He sends them a small gift certificate for x-mas and thats about it. This is all trivial. The reason I left my husband is because he comes from a very disturbing family. His brother is a registered sex offender. He raped a 13 year old girl. The girl was a best friend of his own daughter's. I left my husband in fear that his brother would someday molest my children. Now I fear even more. My children want to visit their father and their is nothing I can do to stop my kids from seeing him. They will be staying with him for a week. any advice or thoughts? thankyou

02-04-2006, 10:07 PM	#2
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	Why would you take your children from your their father because his brother molested other children? Did you think he would do the same thing? And if you knew he was from a disturbed family and that bothered you then why did you have children with him? I don't mean to be harsh but just based on what you have written it seem a little drastic to break up the family over that. Surely there must be more to the story? As to your immediate concerns - if their uncle is a registered sex offender, surely he must be under court orders to stay away from children. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-04-2006, 10:48 PM	#5
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,560	How much of a relationship do the boys have with thier father? Aside from b-day gifts and Xmas gifts. How often have they seen their father? If they have had NO contact with him in 10 years.. I understand your trepidation. Thats a long time. Did he not want to see the children? I can't imagine how you would prepare the boys for a visit like this? Since you have been a vigilant mother and savy to "molestation" I'm sure you have talked to the boys about it. They are 14 & 15... and odds are that they will be ok. You've also taught them morals, values, manners and the love you very very much. Do you thing that your ex-husband will be a negative influence on them? Don't worry.. you've done a good job raising them. Those morals and values are all there very very deep. You may be worrying for nothing. Why don't you get a Pay-as-u-go Cell phone for them so they can keep in touch with you. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

02-04-2006, 11:09 PM	#6
yme Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Norfolk UK Gender: Male Age: 58 Posts: 58	I, too, might come across as sounding harsh, but I wish to help if I can. First of all, anything that you might do to prevent your children from seeing their natural father without just cause will return to haunt you in future; it is possible that they might even hate you for so doing. Secondly, I do not know the laws in the US, but I am guessing that, if the father has any previous history (known to the authorities) of abuse, be it physical or sexual, would they not be very interested indeed if a visitation was about to take place? Thirdly, have you ever explained to your children why you and your husband are apart? Do they have any idea of your worries? They are still relatively young, but not too young that you cannot voice your fears for them. After all, you want them to be on their guard against any 'assaults' that may or may not take place. If you keep them in the dark they will only see your running interference as taking out your feelings for your ex husband upon them. I cannot offer you any advice; it is for each parent to decide how to raise their children. I would, however, suggest you ask yourself if you are acting in their best interest, or your own. As I say, brutal. I hope you can find the best solution for you and your children. __________________ You can't change people - you can only change YOU and how you re-act to people. Carpe Diem - Sieze The Day

02-04-2006, 11:38 PM	#7
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I think you should talk to your kids, they are old enough to understand the truth about their uncle but do not say anything negative about their father, that will not serve you. You don't have to say anything positive either, just tell them that you would prefer not to discuss the marriage but want them to form their own opinions. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-04-2006, 10:17 PM	#3
skyewaski Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Posts: 96	yes their is a whole lot more to the story. my ex husband abused me physically and sexually. i wish i could erase him from my memory and my childrens but i know that isn't possible. as far as his disturbing family i didn't know what i was getting into at that time. it was hell egtting away from him. he was a lousy husband and father.

02-04-2006, 10:33 PM	#4
mgirl Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 1,444	Youch, that is a tough situation. Why do the children want to see him so suddenly? Do you think he has been manipulating them through writing to them or something? Maybe you could go with them and all stay in a hotel, and let them visit him during the day. I don't know, it sounds a little suspicious to me. I don't know if you can stop them from seeing him, but instruct them to call you and to not be afraid to tell you if anything goes wrong.

02-05-2006, 03:23 AM	#8
Rayana Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Dubai, UAE Posts: 53	I wouldnt allow my kids near those people, even if it is their father and uncle. Its better to be safe then sorry. if any of my girls were abused it would haunt me for the rest of my life not to mention affect my daughters future and relationships with men. I would however allow them to meet with their father as long as i or someone i trust were present. I know my viewpoint is a bit different but i have no tollerance for sexual abusers and rapist. Father or not father, he is still capable of causing damage. __________________ 'If a bird loved a fish, where would they live?'

02-06-2006, 11:42 AM	#9
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,637	I don't think I understood enough from what you wrote. I didn't see anywhere that it said the gender of your children. Not that it matters, but someone said "your boys." I definetly agree that you should not punish the father of your children for something his brother did. Or your children for something their uncle did. Has anyone in your family ever stolen anything? Been in a fight? Been caught drinking and driving? I'm not comparing a sex offender to a bar fighter, but no one's family is perfect. Whatever their gender, children need the influence of their father. Obviously, that is why they are requesting to see him. I do think they are old enough to understand your concern and to look out for each other. Is that REALLY the reason you left your ex-husband? Because of where he comes from? I'm not judging, just curious. I come from a very different and much more disturbing background than my husband but he chose to help me get away from it. Maybe you tried and couldn't get your husband away? Maybe your husband chose NOT to distance himself? __________________ What i really meant to say, is that I'm sorry for the way I am......

02-06-2006, 01:28 PM	#10
Ash Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,868	You've managed this situation for 10 years, you must be doing something right! I'm not sure if your kids know the truths of the situation, and why you're afraid for them to see your ex. I also assume there are a lot of reasons, some diminished over time, that the two of you split and those reasons are likely relevant as well. As others have mentioned, trying to control what your kids want to do is not a winning situation. If they really want to go and see him it may be tough to talk them out of it, but that in no way means they shouldn't know all about the situation. In a very few short years, they'll be totally free to decide what they do and when they do it, and even now (depending on the exact laws where you live) should they express wishes to live with dad, it may mean that serious though would have to be given, which I doubt either you or him want. I can't envision a person leaving their kids alone for 10 years, not paying support, then wanting to have them live with him unless he has changed drastically. And a drastic change is not likely. Based on that, I'd say you're in no danger of losing your kids to him in any way. All that is likely to happen is they'll validate in their own minds why the two of you split in the first case. You should be able to stipulate that when they're with dad, dad's brother is not allowed anywhere near. You are still the sole legal guardian (I would assume) and given that fact, you do have control over who else should be around. (Not quite so simple with your ex though which is why you posted in the first place). So, in closing, two things. 1. You probably never want to see your ex again, and would be more than happy if your kids never did either. It's okay to feel that way. 2. Tell your kids the truth about why things are how they are and let them reach their own conclusions, which are likely to be somewhat like yours. Put faith in them, they're your kids, you raised them. Good luck. __________________ Wisdom can come with youth ... my friends here prove it everyday.