He chose drugs over me

SummerLove · 02-04-2006, 05:12 PM

My bf of 6 months and I broke up over a month ago. He dumped me because he said that he wasn't sure if he felt the same about me as I did for him. Anyways, he then told me that he has been smoking pot (something that totally turns me off to people). He said he never told me because he knew that I would get rid of him if I found out. I got really upset and we had a rocky ex bf/gf relationships after that.

Then, a few days ago we began being all flirty towards each other. We hung out and had an awesome time and were talking about getting back together. I told him I couldn't be with him as long as he's doing that stuff. At first he said he'd quit. Then, after about 20 minutes of just talking, he said he couldn't give it up because it was a part of his life and it helped him relax (i admit he has a rough time at home. His mom remarried and his step dad is kind of a jerk. He also never talks to his real dad).

I am so hurt because I feel like he chose drugs over me. He claims that that isn't true and that he wouldn't ever do that. But he did. I don't know what to do. I want him to quit because he is so much better than that. I know he is. I was thinking about telling his mom about his little habbit, but then I don't want to be the rat who told. Is there anything I can do to force him to quit? I want him to quit for his own health and safety...not because of our relationship.

**annie24** · 02-04-2006, 05:21 PM

No, there's nothing you can do to force him to quit. he has to want to quit. I think the best thing was breaking up, standing your ground, not wanting to be involved with a guy who smokes pot.

Maybe he will quit when he decides to, but, no, you can't make him do it.

shes2smart · 02-04-2006, 06:05 PM

Having dated/lived with someone who had addiction issues (alcohol & pot), no, there's not really anything you can do to make him stop. If you don't wish to have that kind of behavior in your life, then walk away from him now and don't look back. Someone who says they "couldn't give it up" is waving a huge red flag. Trust me on this one...you DON'T want to get involved with someone who's got active addiction issues.

Yes, you *could* tell his mother or your local law enforcement folks and that may get him to stop temporarily. But if he's decided he won't give it up that's all it will be -- a temporary stoppage. If he feels he NEEDS that substance (either psychologically or physically) he'll be right back to it as soon as the heat is off and he thinks he can get away with it. You will have to let your conscience guide you on whether telling his mother (or other interested parties) is the right move for you to make or not.

Don't take his decision personally. What you are witnessing is the power of an addiction. He actually doesn't have enough power to decide...his substance of choice did it for him. People with active addictions are not capable of creating/having a healthy relationship with ANYONE. (Jeez...I feel like I've been typing that a lot the past week....must be a spate of "I like an addict" threads lately...) So, don't use this as an excuse to wonder what's wrong with you because the answer is most likely "nothing."

Anyway, you can't make him stop, and it's not really your place to do so. You can express your concerns for his health & safety, but you can't make him do anything. It's also not a good idea to try and "save" him. Again, trust me on that....I already went down that pitted path, too.

If you decide you cannot have him in your life because of his drug use, tell him that. Be kind, but be firm. You have a right to not have that in your life...and he should know exactly why you are showing him the door. Addicts are great at lying to themselves and they'll lie to others too, if given the chance. (Note how he "hid" (lied about) his usage to you during the course of your relationship)

AwdreeHpburn · 02-04-2006, 06:19 PM

Summerlove - like shes2smart, I too have walked this road. I know its hard and I feel so bad. You have got to have strength for what lies ahead! I really think you need to -in a manner of speaking - run for the hills. I know you care for him and it may feel like you've abandoned him, but as the other responses have already said, he has want to stop doing drugs. How much you want it for him sadly doesn't factor in. And it sounds like he's not ready to give it up yet. You should keep in touch with people here. There is a wonderful support system here. If it gets hard and sad, get on-line. Someone will talk to you and help you through it.

**Hope75** · 02-04-2006, 07:31 PM

I also lived with and was engaged to someone who was an alcoholic and smoked pot every day for 5 years.

"He chose drugs over me" is an age old story....

the only reason he will quit is if he wants to for him, not for you or for anyone else.

The good news? You won't tolorate because you know better, and he doesn't want to quit, so you know what you have to do.

Bethany · 02-04-2006, 08:23 PM

He didnt choose drugs over you, YOU choose no drugs over him. If him smoking pot bothers you then you did the right thing but don't blame him for being him.

calgaryguy · 02-04-2006, 09:28 PM

Take him to a doctor and tell then to x ray his lungs and show you all the tar and crap thats built up in them. If that doesnt make him quit then i dont know what will.

02-04-2006, 05:12 PM	#1
SummerLove Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Posts: 137	He chose drugs over me My bf of 6 months and I broke up over a month ago. He dumped me because he said that he wasn't sure if he felt the same about me as I did for him. Anyways, he then told me that he has been smoking pot (something that totally turns me off to people). He said he never told me because he knew that I would get rid of him if I found out. I got really upset and we had a rocky ex bf/gf relationships after that. Then, a few days ago we began being all flirty towards each other. We hung out and had an awesome time and were talking about getting back together. I told him I couldn't be with him as long as he's doing that stuff. At first he said he'd quit. Then, after about 20 minutes of just talking, he said he couldn't give it up because it was a part of his life and it helped him relax (i admit he has a rough time at home. His mom remarried and his step dad is kind of a jerk. He also never talks to his real dad). I am so hurt because I feel like he chose drugs over me. He claims that that isn't true and that he wouldn't ever do that. But he did. I don't know what to do. I want him to quit because he is so much better than that. I know he is. I was thinking about telling his mom about his little habbit, but then I don't want to be the rat who told. Is there anything I can do to force him to quit? I want him to quit for his own health and safety...not because of our relationship. __________________ Love has no Limits <3

02-04-2006, 06:05 PM	#3
shes2smart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,139	Having dated/lived with someone who had addiction issues (alcohol & pot), no, there's not really anything you can do to make him stop. If you don't wish to have that kind of behavior in your life, then walk away from him now and don't look back. Someone who says they "couldn't give it up" is waving a huge red flag. Trust me on this one...you DON'T want to get involved with someone who's got active addiction issues. Yes, you could tell his mother or your local law enforcement folks and that may get him to stop temporarily. But if he's decided he won't give it up that's all it will be -- a temporary stoppage. If he feels he NEEDS that substance (either psychologically or physically) he'll be right back to it as soon as the heat is off and he thinks he can get away with it. You will have to let your conscience guide you on whether telling his mother (or other interested parties) is the right move for you to make or not. Don't take his decision personally. What you are witnessing is the power of an addiction. He actually doesn't have enough power to decide...his substance of choice did it for him. People with active addictions are not capable of creating/having a healthy relationship with ANYONE. (Jeez...I feel like I've been typing that a lot the past week....must be a spate of "I like an addict" threads lately...) So, don't use this as an excuse to wonder what's wrong with you because the answer is most likely "nothing." Anyway, you can't make him stop, and it's not really your place to do so. You can express your concerns for his health & safety, but you can't make him do anything. It's also not a good idea to try and "save" him. Again, trust me on that....I already went down that pitted path, too. If you decide you cannot have him in your life because of his drug use, tell him that. Be kind, but be firm. You have a right to not have that in your life...and he should know exactly why you are showing him the door. Addicts are great at lying to themselves and they'll lie to others too, if given the chance. (Note how he "hid" (lied about) his usage to you during the course of your relationship) __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake" Last edited by shes2smart; 02-04-2006 at 08:02 PM.

02-04-2006, 07:31 PM	#5
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	I also lived with and was engaged to someone who was an alcoholic and smoked pot every day for 5 years. "He chose drugs over me" is an age old story.... the only reason he will quit is if he wants to for him, not for you or for anyone else. The good news? You won't tolorate because you know better, and he doesn't want to quit, so you know what you have to do. __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

02-04-2006, 05:21 PM	#2
annie24 Online Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,833	No, there's nothing you can do to force him to quit. he has to want to quit. I think the best thing was breaking up, standing your ground, not wanting to be involved with a guy who smokes pot. Maybe he will quit when he decides to, but, no, you can't make him do it.

02-04-2006, 06:19 PM	#4
AwdreeHpburn Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: Tiffany's Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 4,639	Summerlove - like shes2smart, I too have walked this road. I know its hard and I feel so bad. You have got to have strength for what lies ahead! I really think you need to -in a manner of speaking - run for the hills. I know you care for him and it may feel like you've abandoned him, but as the other responses have already said, he has want to stop doing drugs. How much you want it for him sadly doesn't factor in. And it sounds like he's not ready to give it up yet. You should keep in touch with people here. There is a wonderful support system here. If it gets hard and sad, get on-line. Someone will talk to you and help you through it.

02-04-2006, 08:23 PM	#6
Bethany Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,030	He didnt choose drugs over you, YOU choose no drugs over him. If him smoking pot bothers you then you did the right thing but don't blame him for being him.

02-04-2006, 09:28 PM	#7
calgaryguy Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 153	Take him to a doctor and tell then to x ray his lungs and show you all the tar and crap thats built up in them. If that doesnt make him quit then i dont know what will.