Why the ex is like this??

skittles · 02-04-2006, 12:00 PM

Well, I just found out that my ex has been saying things about me on his blog and to some of our old friends. I don't understand why he is continuing to say things about me that aren't true. We have been divorced for almost 5 yrs. I hardly ever talk to him unless its concerning the kids. He continues to be I don't know the right word I am looking for but when we talk he is very hard hearted and seems like he has a wall around him. I just wish we can talk like adults and put the past in the past where it belongs. He tells people that I am being the opposite of what I am doing or how I am acting towards him. I treat him like an adult, no mean or angry words to him when we do talk, I do still care for him but I don't understand why he feels the need to bad mouth me or lie about things that I have not done. Why would he continue to does this after us not being together for almost 6 yrs since we split up.

**arwen** · 02-04-2006, 12:07 PM

Hey skittles,

I think he does so out of spite. Why did the two of you split? And are you in a new relationship? Because especially the latter might set off the whole spite/revenge kind of behaviour. It's nasty and childish, especially since he talks this way to old friends that you have in common. Are you still close to the people he's badmouthing to?

Take care,

Ilse

skittles · 02-04-2006, 12:15 PM

No not really, I see them in some of the places that I go to. We split up because he wanted to explore his feelings for other woman, and when that didn't work out, he couldn't get over the fact that he missed up. This is just my opinion, I could be wrong. We were seperated for well over a year before we got divorced, and he was still trying to find out who I was seeing and where I spend my time, but I know this is normal after you have been with someone for almost 10 yrs.
I sent my kids and the guy I am involved with now a email message and it had to do with blessings and love and I found out that my youngest child forwarded it to my ex and there was a very personal message attatched to the email I sent to the 3 of them, so maybe that has set this off, but I'm not sure.

chai714 · 02-04-2006, 12:57 PM

Skittles,

Not sure why exactly he does this, but perhaps he wants you back and knows he can not have you? At any rate, I would tell your mutual friends to please "filter" any garbage he says about you to them and that you don't care to hear about it.

If he's saying things that are untrue or outright lies, you could always sue him for slander. Hollywood Stars often do this when a tabloid (libel) or person says (slander) something completely false about them. Of course, this is a last last last resort but it could silence him.

DN · 02-04-2006, 01:01 PM

I agree with Chai. The mere threat of that could silence him if he was convinced you meant it - a cease and desist letter from a lawyer might do that.

Relationship Coach · 02-04-2006, 02:33 PM

OK this is pretty important, please pay attention!

Somewhere in your divorce decree and parenting agreement it should state clearly that he is not to make disparaging remarks about you and remain civil in all communication. You need to document(print out) everything in his blog. A blog is public domain and he can be reprimanded by the courts. At first I thought this was a high school age issue but a grown man? Chai and DN are correct, let him no that if he does not cease this childish behavior and remove any derogatory and slanderous posts you will seek legal action against him.

RC

LiquidCherry · 02-04-2006, 02:53 PM

In the custody papers it has to be requested by a party that the statement about disparaging remarks be added. At least, that's how it goes in New York. If it's not there I'd go to the family court office and request a modification to the order be made and no judge would disagree with you.

skittles · 02-04-2006, 03:07 PM

In the state that I live in the court will review child support orders every 3 yrs, all that is needed is for the custodial parent to sign the form giving them permission to do, well I did sign the form and I know that he had to go to court in the state that he lives now with his new wife and child, so maybe that is one of the reasons he is attacking me. I don't believe in the divorce decree it states that no slandering should take place between us, I thought that us being adults that it would be a given and plus the fact we have 2 great kids between us that it would be done without even thinking about it. I guess I should just continue to pray for him, as I do everyday anyway.

novaseeker · 02-04-2006, 03:55 PM

Normally the no disparagement language relates to communications to the children, not to adult third parties. It's very, very, very hard to prohibit free speech like that among adults, particularly since you have the remedies of libel and slander actions to protect yourself from others lying about you in a detrimental way.

Have you suffered any actual tangible damage to your career or family life or current relationships as a result of the disparagement other than emotional distress? If not, it may be quite difficult to succesfully sue for libel or slander. These laws are more or less designed to protect people from untruths that have some tangible, damaging impact on their lives other than emotional distress.

As a result, as a lawyer I'm going to disagree with some of the other posters here and recommend not to pursue a legal route here, unless he is disparaging you to the children (in which case I would recommend getting a court modification to the divorce decree ordering him to stop doing that, which should be easy enough to obtain).

02-04-2006, 12:00 PM	#1
skittles Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 34	Why the ex is like this?? Well, I just found out that my ex has been saying things about me on his blog and to some of our old friends. I don't understand why he is continuing to say things about me that aren't true. We have been divorced for almost 5 yrs. I hardly ever talk to him unless its concerning the kids. He continues to be I don't know the right word I am looking for but when we talk he is very hard hearted and seems like he has a wall around him. I just wish we can talk like adults and put the past in the past where it belongs. He tells people that I am being the opposite of what I am doing or how I am acting towards him. I treat him like an adult, no mean or angry words to him when we do talk, I do still care for him but I don't understand why he feels the need to bad mouth me or lie about things that I have not done. Why would he continue to does this after us not being together for almost 6 yrs since we split up.

02-04-2006, 12:07 PM	#2
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	Hey skittles, I think he does so out of spite. Why did the two of you split? And are you in a new relationship? Because especially the latter might set off the whole spite/revenge kind of behaviour. It's nasty and childish, especially since he talks this way to old friends that you have in common. Are you still close to the people he's badmouthing to? Take care, Ilse __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

02-04-2006, 12:57 PM	#4
chai714 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The End of the Pier Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 2,704	Skittles, Not sure why exactly he does this, but perhaps he wants you back and knows he can not have you? At any rate, I would tell your mutual friends to please "filter" any garbage he says about you to them and that you don't care to hear about it. If he's saying things that are untrue or outright lies, you could always sue him for slander. Hollywood Stars often do this when a tabloid (libel) or person says (slander) something completely false about them. Of course, this is a last last last resort but it could silence him. __________________ "Your mind is your greatest weapon." - David J. Lieberman, Ph.D "Most every person or situation can be influenced through the power of psychology."

02-04-2006, 01:01 PM	#5
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,439	I agree with Chai. The mere threat of that could silence him if he was convinced you meant it - a cease and desist letter from a lawyer might do that. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-04-2006, 02:33 PM	#6
Relationship Coach Offline Gold Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Las Vegas, NV Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 1,951	OK this is pretty important, please pay attention! Somewhere in your divorce decree and parenting agreement it should state clearly that he is not to make disparaging remarks about you and remain civil in all communication. You need to document(print out) everything in his blog. A blog is public domain and he can be reprimanded by the courts. At first I thought this was a high school age issue but a grown man? Chai and DN are correct, let him no that if he does not cease this childish behavior and remove any derogatory and slanderous posts you will seek legal action against him. RC __________________ The slightest impact can make the greatest change.

02-04-2006, 12:15 PM	#3
skittles Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 34	No not really, I see them in some of the places that I go to. We split up because he wanted to explore his feelings for other woman, and when that didn't work out, he couldn't get over the fact that he missed up. This is just my opinion, I could be wrong. We were seperated for well over a year before we got divorced, and he was still trying to find out who I was seeing and where I spend my time, but I know this is normal after you have been with someone for almost 10 yrs. I sent my kids and the guy I am involved with now a email message and it had to do with blessings and love and I found out that my youngest child forwarded it to my ex and there was a very personal message attatched to the email I sent to the 3 of them, so maybe that has set this off, but I'm not sure.

02-04-2006, 02:53 PM	#7
LiquidCherry Offline Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: New York Gender: Female Age: 27 Posts: 317	In the custody papers it has to be requested by a party that the statement about disparaging remarks be added. At least, that's how it goes in New York. If it's not there I'd go to the family court office and request a modification to the order be made and no judge would disagree with you.

02-04-2006, 03:07 PM	#8
skittles Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Posts: 34	In the state that I live in the court will review child support orders every 3 yrs, all that is needed is for the custodial parent to sign the form giving them permission to do, well I did sign the form and I know that he had to go to court in the state that he lives now with his new wife and child, so maybe that is one of the reasons he is attacking me. I don't believe in the divorce decree it states that no slandering should take place between us, I thought that us being adults that it would be a given and plus the fact we have 2 great kids between us that it would be done without even thinking about it. I guess I should just continue to pray for him, as I do everyday anyway.

02-04-2006, 03:55 PM	#9
novaseeker Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Gender: Male Age: 41 Posts: 1,660	Normally the no disparagement language relates to communications to the children, not to adult third parties. It's very, very, very hard to prohibit free speech like that among adults, particularly since you have the remedies of libel and slander actions to protect yourself from others lying about you in a detrimental way. Have you suffered any actual tangible damage to your career or family life or current relationships as a result of the disparagement other than emotional distress? If not, it may be quite difficult to succesfully sue for libel or slander. These laws are more or less designed to protect people from untruths that have some tangible, damaging impact on their lives other than emotional distress. As a result, as a lawyer I'm going to disagree with some of the other posters here and recommend not to pursue a legal route here, unless he is disparaging you to the children (in which case I would recommend getting a court modification to the divorce decree ordering him to stop doing that, which should be easy enough to obtain).