Damsels In Distress

nikki blu · 01-23-2006, 03:40 PM

What is with men wanting to "save" a girl? Lately, I've noticed that many of my male friends and now my brother, seem to be attracted to women that are needy, super clingy, dramatic, or just plain crazy!

When I ask why they dump the confident, independent, sane girlfriends...the answer is "She's great, beautiful, smart....I just can't be in a relationship with her." But you struggle with a totally dysfunctional woman thinking you can change her? And yes, I know women do it, too....I don't get it!

RayKay · 01-23-2006, 03:49 PM

Don't worry, only some men do this. There are many of great men out there whom want a functional, mature, responsible, intelligent, independent woman. And some of the ones whom do do it, eventually grow and learn it is not the best thing to be doing at all.

It's knight in shining armour syndrome. They are the male version of the women whom stay with a man whom they hope to "change" into something better. Many of them fall for the "victims" hoping to rescue them from their plights, and earn their love in return. Most of them learn over time that they cannot rescue them though, as either these women love the drama they have created in their lives and recreate it with the new guy or leave to find someone whom will - over and over, or that they are not ready to save THEMSELVES. Which anyone around this forum should know, is the only way to create change and change your life - to save yourself.

I am not fond of Laura Schlessinger overall, but I will give her some credit that in her book the "10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" she has a very good discussion on the phenomenon, and well just how stupid it is in the end.

Mrocza · 01-23-2006, 05:42 PM

Ya, some guys are intimidated because they're stuck in the man-being-stronger/more dominent mindset.

I think it really depends on the guy and potentially how they're raised.

I consider myself a strong, smart and independant woman but sometimes I need that little extra push or reassurance from my boyfriend. He tells me however, it's the independant and fierce girl that he fell for.

Guys are intimidated more often than not if a woman is viewed as more successful or perhaps even not needing a man in her life. I know many women who are AMAZING, beautiful, gorgeous successful women who know what they want. They have great personalities, senses of humour, financial stability- the package. BUT they have nice cars, they're self-sufficient, they're go-getters...To men: High Maintaince.

It's strange but there are some men out there with a 21st-century mind set as well:P

Frajhav · 01-23-2006, 05:54 PM

Quote:

There are many of great men out there whom want a functional, mature, responsible, intelligent, independent woman.

Wait...Raises hand.....no wait wait!!! Bouth hands!!!

Shadows Light · 01-23-2006, 06:28 PM

Some men needed to be needed. Have a purpose. Makes them feel worthwhile... adds to their appeal and resume if you will.

Caldus · 01-23-2006, 06:29 PM

Eh, not particularly attracted to the idea of dumping a confident girlfriend for a needy one.

Shidoshi · 01-23-2006, 09:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nikki blu

When I ask why they dump the confident, independent, sane girlfriends...the answer is "She's great, beautiful, smart....I just can't be in a relationship with her."

The women they were with might have been too much to deal with and/or these guys felt they found the better deal. There's nothing wrong with confident/independant women, but in what way and to what degree are they these things?

Quote:

Originally Posted by RayKay

It's knight in shining armour syndrome. They are the male version of the women whom stay with a man whom they hope to "change" into something better. Many of them fall for the "victims" hoping to rescue them from their plights, and earn their love in return.

I have to disagree with this. The women who do this want to change these so called "jerks" and/or simply enjoy the challenge that comes with these types. If the challenge disappears the women usually do also. Men on the other hand, do it usually because the woman is either really attractive to them and/or they feel they can't do any better so they put up with a lot of crazy drama. The motivation isn't the same for both genders.

Quote:

Originally Posted by fairie16

Ya, some guys are intimidated because they're stuck in the man-being-stronger/more dominent mindset.

A woman who is as strong and dominant as I am is definitely not attractive in my book. I don't think this is about some men being "stuck" in this mindset. It goes a lot deeper than that.

nikki blu · 01-23-2006, 10:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shidoshi

The women they were with might have been too much to deal with and/or these guys felt they found the better deal. There's nothing wrong with confident/independant women, but in what way and to what degree are they these things?

A woman who is as strong and dominant as I am is definitely not attractive in my book. I don't think this is about some men being "stuck" in this mindset. It goes a lot deeper than that.

I define these women as individuals who would like a man to enhance her life, not validate it...She's an ADULT...She does'nt need a hero to take care of her, but that does'nt mean she doesn't need or want HIM.
Seriously is it ego, or what?
I'm just tired of seeing good, but totally blind men pass up good women for emotional vampires!

sweetheart230 · 01-23-2006, 11:16 PM

I don't know, cause I'm not a guy, but I think it might be because men are intimidated by girls who seem to have it all together. In my experience, even men with high self esteem, feel bigger and stronger when they're helping a woman. It strokes their ego and makes them feel important. This can come to extremes, and in this case its not healthy at all. But most guys like to feel useful and superior and like a man. And it makes them feel like a man to help a woman.

In other words, many men feel emasculated by a woman who can "do it all". A lot of vulnerability and neediness is really unhealthy (and they guys who dig these superclingy, helpless girls are either nuts or desperate), but a little bit of vulerability makes a man feel bigger and stronger. I don't know why, but exposing some my own vulerabilities with men (naivte, being stupid in some areas, being unable to open my own bottles) usually makes me more endearing to them. When I was superneedy emotionally, though, I got bad guys. So there's a happy medium.

Shadows Light · 01-23-2006, 11:44 PM

Quote:

In other words, many men feel emasculated by a woman who can "do it all". A lot of vulnerability and neediness is really unhealthy (and they guys who dig these superclingy, helpless girls are either nuts or desperate), but a little bit of vulerability makes a man feel bigger and stronger. I don't know why, but exposing some my own vulerabilities with men (naivte, being stupid in some areas, being unable to open my own bottles) usually makes me more endearing to them. When I was superneedy emotionally, though, I got bad guys. So there's a happy medium.

This cracked me up!! cause... the pheonom my GF and I lament about. Is how is it that all the guys who have their stuff together are with the "ditzy women".... almost makes you want to dumb down. Personally, I don't think they are ditzy or dumb at all. I think they are dumb as foxes. While their sitting in their mini-mansions poolside... I'm slaving away making a buck. uggghhh. However, If I have to dumb down to get there... forget that crap!!! I'm not selling my self-respect for a Mr. Wonderful with the power job, mini-mansion and glitter. ugggghhhh. Rather work my tail off myself.

01-23-2006, 03:40 PM	#1
nikki blu Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 52	Damsels In Distress What is with men wanting to "save" a girl? Lately, I've noticed that many of my male friends and now my brother, seem to be attracted to women that are needy, super clingy, dramatic, or just plain crazy! When I ask why they dump the confident, independent, sane girlfriends...the answer is "She's great, beautiful, smart....I just can't be in a relationship with her." But you struggle with a totally dysfunctional woman thinking you can change her? And yes, I know women do it, too....I don't get it!

01-23-2006, 03:49 PM	#2
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	Don't worry, only some men do this. There are many of great men out there whom want a functional, mature, responsible, intelligent, independent woman. And some of the ones whom do do it, eventually grow and learn it is not the best thing to be doing at all. It's knight in shining armour syndrome. They are the male version of the women whom stay with a man whom they hope to "change" into something better. Many of them fall for the "victims" hoping to rescue them from their plights, and earn their love in return. Most of them learn over time that they cannot rescue them though, as either these women love the drama they have created in their lives and recreate it with the new guy or leave to find someone whom will - over and over, or that they are not ready to save THEMSELVES. Which anyone around this forum should know, is the only way to create change and change your life - to save yourself. I am not fond of Laura Schlessinger overall, but I will give her some credit that in her book the "10 Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" she has a very good discussion on the phenomenon, and well just how stupid it is in the end. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

01-23-2006, 05:42 PM	#3
Mrocza Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Toronto, Ontario Gender: Female Posts: 986	Ya, some guys are intimidated because they're stuck in the man-being-stronger/more dominent mindset. I think it really depends on the guy and potentially how they're raised. I consider myself a strong, smart and independant woman but sometimes I need that little extra push or reassurance from my boyfriend. He tells me however, it's the independant and fierce girl that he fell for. Guys are intimidated more often than not if a woman is viewed as more successful or perhaps even not needing a man in her life. I know many women who are AMAZING, beautiful, gorgeous successful women who know what they want. They have great personalities, senses of humour, financial stability- the package. BUT they have nice cars, they're self-sufficient, they're go-getters...To men: High Maintaince. It's strange but there are some men out there with a 21st-century mind set as well:P __________________ A wounded dear leaps the highest.

01-23-2006, 06:28 PM	#5
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,561	Some men needed to be needed. Have a purpose. Makes them feel worthwhile... adds to their appeal and resume if you will. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

01-23-2006, 06:29 PM	#6
Caldus Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Forever a Non-Windows User =D Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 2,796	Eh, not particularly attracted to the idea of dumping a confident girlfriend for a needy one. __________________ "Do you want to fix the problem or soundbyte it?" -- Ross Perot during 1992 presidential debate.

01-23-2006, 11:16 PM	#9
sweetheart230 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 24 Posts: 359	I don't know, cause I'm not a guy, but I think it might be because men are intimidated by girls who seem to have it all together. In my experience, even men with high self esteem, feel bigger and stronger when they're helping a woman. It strokes their ego and makes them feel important. This can come to extremes, and in this case its not healthy at all. But most guys like to feel useful and superior and like a man. And it makes them feel like a man to help a woman. In other words, many men feel emasculated by a woman who can "do it all". A lot of vulnerability and neediness is really unhealthy (and they guys who dig these superclingy, helpless girls are either nuts or desperate), but a little bit of vulerability makes a man feel bigger and stronger. I don't know why, but exposing some my own vulerabilities with men (naivte, being stupid in some areas, being unable to open my own bottles) usually makes me more endearing to them. When I was superneedy emotionally, though, I got bad guys. So there's a happy medium.