Question for parents-fear of having a baby with special needs

metro_girl · 01-21-2006, 07:07 AM

I always thought that I wanted children. Now, at 36, I'm not as confident. I know the more time passes, the more I'm making a decision in the direction to not have children. Part of my concern is that I was a teacher in my twenties and early thirties and I worked in special education. I saw that a lot of people love babies until they aren't cute any more. I also worked with kids with special needs. I am concerned about having a baby at my age, and about having a baby with special needs. How do you get over those fears and forge ahead with having a baby? I know the older I get the more high-risk a pregnancy can be. I would appreciate any advice from parents.

**avman** · 01-21-2006, 07:59 AM

Well as you know, there are no guarantees one way or the other. Mothers at age 45 can have healthy babies while a mother of 20 may have a special needs baby. It is true that statistically the risks are higher as you age, but it is not a certainty.

My wife is diabetic. So every pregnancy was high risk for us. But we really wanted children so we accepted the risks and forged ahead. We talked to the doctors regularly. She saw specialists at the hospital during each pregnancy. And we followed their advice religiously.

My younger son ended up being born with clubfeet. I was devastated when I was told during an ultrasound that it was going to happen. I blamed myself, thought God was punishing me, and so on. But eventually through a lot of education I learned what it really was and how to treat it. So we did. After years of treatment, you'd never know that my son has anything wrong with his feet. Yes they look funny, but we have been able to get him to the point where it doesn't bother him. He runs, tumbles, jumps, and loves life to the fullest. I don't regret anything and I love him with all my heart.

Talk to your doctors. Make sure you understand all the risks. And then make the decision that is right for you.

metro_girl · 01-21-2006, 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avman

My younger son ended up being born with clubfeet.

My older sister was born with clubfeet in 1964. She wore casts and braces on her legs, and she was okay before she started school, except she had to wear these shoes that today are in style - like Doc Marten's.

Thanks for the advice. I know there aren't any guarantees. It's just that the craving and "baby fever" that I felt in my early twenties to have a baby, really isn't there as much. I'm honestly looking at what my life would be like without children. Maybe I was just burned out from being a special ed teacher for so long.

**avman** · 01-21-2006, 01:11 PM

It is different when they are your own children. As a special ed teacher it was your job to work with these children, but you didn't "love" them. No matter how dedicated you were, it was still a job. When they are yours it is a labor of love. So as tired as I got during that period, I never burnt out or regretted it.

I know you are taking a look at that biological clock and I do understand. Do what you feel is best for you. You can certainly adopt children if you can't (or shouldn't) have your own. Many children out there need a loving home and people who care about them.

Abby · 01-25-2006, 01:02 PM

What you have to remember is that you may NOT have a special needs child so this anxiety is polluting your thoughts and possible enjoyment of future parenthood.

As you're aware there are tests available and you will be given a choice should it arrive at that.

My 11 year old son is severely disabled. He was a normal baby and became ill when he was nearly 10 months old so it wasn't exactly like we had a choice in the matter as a woman may during pregnancy.

We just got on with it. It's hard, certainly and sometimes I really hate my life because I can see no end to my caring role. My son isn't exactly going to grow up, leave home and live an independent life. He's ALWAYS going to need care for the rest of his life and I'm well aware that I won't be around for some of that.

Then you get the good moments where he's starting to say complete sentences. He can't have a conversation per se but he can ask for something, like a drink for instance. He's making very slow but definite progress.

He will never walk and he's already showing signs of puberty. I just thank God he's not a girl because it's bad enough dealing with him being doubly incontinent, I certainly wouldn't have to deal with someone elses menstral cycle as well!

Welll, that's my experience - you cope the best you can.

I'd say that you shouldn't allow this to stop you from having children if that's what you really want.

I hope this helps.

Take care
Abby

Bethany · 01-25-2006, 06:37 PM

I think the best thing you can do is ask a doctor who can inform you of the risks. At 36, you're not old in my opinion and I wouldn't let it stop me from having children. Good luck to you.

millaj · 01-25-2006, 06:59 PM

I think if you have a child regardless of what circumstances you will love them because they are yours. I had a child who was born with a birth defect, and he was beautiful on the outside but so sick on the inside. So I think that everything happens for a reason and you should always have love in your heart no matter what. If you make the decision to have a child, then you should make the decision to accept it any way because God does not make mistakes. (just my two cents)

sonjam · 01-26-2006, 12:19 AM

Girl I was 31 with my first baby, and up to then I never ever felt the need for wanting a child, no maternal instinct at all, I would not even pick a new baby up if offered to me by it's mother. I just said, no thanks Im not good with kids...

Then I fell pregnant, and I worried about all kinds of things. Fortunately in our country the Medical Is great, I had an ultrasound EVERY time I went to see the doc, he did all the test, and scans, and she grew into a healthy baby. She was born with an emergency c-section, and was in ICU for the first 3 days of ther life, but she was fine afterwards, and she is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I don't know how to explain to you, but that mothering instinct just kicks in when you hear her first cry, and now I feel like I was born to become a mother, it's what I have been waiting for all my life.

I have so much more patience, and care and understanding than when I was in my 20's, I just wouldn't have been as good, some people mature and become better parents.
It's just different with your own child, even if she had to have after effects of the initial drama, I would have loved her as much as I do now.

It's different when you have your own child, they fill up your life in ways you can't imagine without them.

01-21-2006, 07:07 AM	#1
metro_girl Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Heart of America Gender: Female Age: 40 Posts: 99	Question for parents-fear of having a baby with special needs I always thought that I wanted children. Now, at 36, I'm not as confident. I know the more time passes, the more I'm making a decision in the direction to not have children. Part of my concern is that I was a teacher in my twenties and early thirties and I worked in special education. I saw that a lot of people love babies until they aren't cute any more. I also worked with kids with special needs. I am concerned about having a baby at my age, and about having a baby with special needs. How do you get over those fears and forge ahead with having a baby? I know the older I get the more high-risk a pregnancy can be. I would appreciate any advice from parents.

01-25-2006, 06:59 PM	#7
millaj Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 608	I think if you have a child regardless of what circumstances you will love them because they are yours. I had a child who was born with a birth defect, and he was beautiful on the outside but so sick on the inside. So I think that everything happens for a reason and you should always have love in your heart no matter what. If you make the decision to have a child, then you should make the decision to accept it any way because God does not make mistakes. (just my two cents) __________________ May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

01-26-2006, 12:19 AM	#8
sonjam Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: SA Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 978	Girl I was 31 with my first baby, and up to then I never ever felt the need for wanting a child, no maternal instinct at all, I would not even pick a new baby up if offered to me by it's mother. I just said, no thanks Im not good with kids... Then I fell pregnant, and I worried about all kinds of things. Fortunately in our country the Medical Is great, I had an ultrasound EVERY time I went to see the doc, he did all the test, and scans, and she grew into a healthy baby. She was born with an emergency c-section, and was in ICU for the first 3 days of ther life, but she was fine afterwards, and she is the LOVE OF MY LIFE. I don't know how to explain to you, but that mothering instinct just kicks in when you hear her first cry, and now I feel like I was born to become a mother, it's what I have been waiting for all my life. I have so much more patience, and care and understanding than when I was in my 20's, I just wouldn't have been as good, some people mature and become better parents. It's just different with your own child, even if she had to have after effects of the initial drama, I would have loved her as much as I do now. It's different when you have your own child, they fill up your life in ways you can't imagine without them. __________________ About Kids... Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? A common enemy...

01-21-2006, 07:59 AM	#2
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	Well as you know, there are no guarantees one way or the other. Mothers at age 45 can have healthy babies while a mother of 20 may have a special needs baby. It is true that statistically the risks are higher as you age, but it is not a certainty. My wife is diabetic. So every pregnancy was high risk for us. But we really wanted children so we accepted the risks and forged ahead. We talked to the doctors regularly. She saw specialists at the hospital during each pregnancy. And we followed their advice religiously. My younger son ended up being born with clubfeet. I was devastated when I was told during an ultrasound that it was going to happen. I blamed myself, thought God was punishing me, and so on. But eventually through a lot of education I learned what it really was and how to treat it. So we did. After years of treatment, you'd never know that my son has anything wrong with his feet. Yes they look funny, but we have been able to get him to the point where it doesn't bother him. He runs, tumbles, jumps, and loves life to the fullest. I don't regret anything and I love him with all my heart. Talk to your doctors. Make sure you understand all the risks. And then make the decision that is right for you.

01-21-2006, 01:11 PM	#4
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	It is different when they are your own children. As a special ed teacher it was your job to work with these children, but you didn't "love" them. No matter how dedicated you were, it was still a job. When they are yours it is a labor of love. So as tired as I got during that period, I never burnt out or regretted it. I know you are taking a look at that biological clock and I do understand. Do what you feel is best for you. You can certainly adopt children if you can't (or shouldn't) have your own. Many children out there need a loving home and people who care about them.

01-25-2006, 01:02 PM	#5
Abby Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Gender: None Specified Posts: 88	What you have to remember is that you may NOT have a special needs child so this anxiety is polluting your thoughts and possible enjoyment of future parenthood. As you're aware there are tests available and you will be given a choice should it arrive at that. My 11 year old son is severely disabled. He was a normal baby and became ill when he was nearly 10 months old so it wasn't exactly like we had a choice in the matter as a woman may during pregnancy. We just got on with it. It's hard, certainly and sometimes I really hate my life because I can see no end to my caring role. My son isn't exactly going to grow up, leave home and live an independent life. He's ALWAYS going to need care for the rest of his life and I'm well aware that I won't be around for some of that. Then you get the good moments where he's starting to say complete sentences. He can't have a conversation per se but he can ask for something, like a drink for instance. He's making very slow but definite progress. He will never walk and he's already showing signs of puberty. I just thank God he's not a girl because it's bad enough dealing with him being doubly incontinent, I certainly wouldn't have to deal with someone elses menstral cycle as well! Welll, that's my experience - you cope the best you can. I'd say that you shouldn't allow this to stop you from having children if that's what you really want. I hope this helps. Take care Abby

01-25-2006, 06:37 PM	#6
Bethany Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,030	I think the best thing you can do is ask a doctor who can inform you of the risks. At 36, you're not old in my opinion and I wouldn't let it stop me from having children. Good luck to you.