repaying the debt.

[moogleman]

A couple of years ago I was basically obsessed with a girl at school. I used to be her friend for a while but then started to break the trust of a basic friendship and I began to have a main goal and aspiration to kiss her...nothing else mattered to me.

I never took advantage of her like that, but she began to not be open and friendly with me (and rightly so). I remember that I stared at her, said crazy things just to say anything, and always tried to sit next to her...(stupid clingy and stalkerish things like that). I remember feeling that I would "die" without her and crazy stuff like that.

During our earlier interactions she had given me her IM screen-name and about 6 months after having met her, she told me about all the terrible things that had happened to her. She was nearly raped twice, her mother told her how she didn't want her as a daughter anymore, that she would be moving away (which she was forced to do much of in her childhood for her parents' occupational reasons), and that a couple years earlier, her best friend had died.

I instantly felt horrible and something hit me. I believe that I learned that "love" is wanting what is best or better for someone else and doing whatever you can to make that a reality, and that "love" comes in all shapes and sizes...and that it never fails unless you decide to never try to love again.

With this knowledge that had hit me almost like divine intervention, I knew I had to do something but I was scared still of the situation, for now I knew of how bad things were between me and her...everyday I could see how she didn't trust me and was frightened by my over obsessive actions towards her.

I decided to try and tell her that I cared about her and "loved" her (as a friend of course) a couple months later but she wouldn't speak to me face to face (which is what I was prepared for), and I had to try and convey what I felt and learned online on IM. It turned into an absolute nightmare and we were both angered and hurt.
That summer she moved away and I never heard from her again.

In high school retreats and the like I have told the story and I can see how what I have learned from that girl has true bearing and that it can help people in someway to live better and more happily. I have fed a homeless man and saved a boy from killing himself too.

This was roughly 1 and 3/4 years ago and it still haunts me. It was the one time I tried to do something that was actually GOOD...and I failed. I want to finally finish what I set out to do for that girl because I think it could really help her...but I don't know how...or if I should.

I have some contact with mutual friends of ours, but its quite limited as they are in college and don't spend much time on IM.

so...any suggestions?

[LostInMyThoughts]

If you want to do something good for her, stop obsessing about doing something good for her.

You said that your obsessions over her was causing her hurt. Stop it then.

I believe your motivations are noble, but she doesn't seem to want it from you. The more you obsess, the more you inadvertently hurt her right?

Instead make a donation to a local charity in her name, or continue to do your service work based on her memory.

You feel obligated to help her, yet she never asked for your help. Under some circumstances thats a great thing, but I think in this case its not what she needs.

Stalking her, and getting her contact info isn't the righ tthing to do, in my humble opinion.

[moogleman]

you are right...yet something keeps telling me that perhaps I should try something

granted, I wouldn't fly across the country, email her, or call her. Quite frankly as far as doing any 'direct' thing of any kind I can think of a million reasons why I shouldn't. It wouldn't be fair and would cause way more harm than good.

Any idea for me to have any kind of reconcilation is solely dependent on either
happenstance/coincidence or her initiation. I'm not holding my breath for either, and I take the loss quite well most of the time. But every now and then I can't help but get caught up in the past.

ALSO,
I never ever did try to acquire contact information...and I'm not going to. I have no intention of ever using it and will not try to negotiate or initiate anything without some very pressing and serious reason to do so.

But, LostInMyThoughts, thanks for replying. I can sense it might not be the easiest of problems to understand and you gave some very realistic and down to earth suggestions, even if they weren't the most uplifting or encouraging.
What I wish to give might not be the thing she needs...but everynow and then I can't help but feel that the trade off was not equitable.

I become a better person with *ish loads more empathy
she becomes frazzled, bitter and more distrusting (not to mention creeped out).

if anyone else reads, please post some feed back.