I wish the Long-Distance was this relationships only complication

I've been with my boyfriend 8 Months now. He lives 4 hours away.

Physically we've been together 4 days in May, 1 week in June, 1 week in September and just now for 4 days (15th December - 18th December). He has just left and I’m feeling pretty upset.

Firstly in May we went to London together for a major film premiere (which HE managed to get the tickets for), June he came and visited my place, September we went to Rome for a week (he took out a loan just in case and right now I'm struggling to pay my half back) and now, he drove down here to stay again.

Currently I'm unemployed, he is employed but is getting made redundant come February, but I very much doubt he'll have much trouble getting a new job.

His family are very well off, his Dad owns his own company. I suppose you’d say they are higher middle class. My boyfriend is 23 and is currently living with them. They own a lovely (pricey) house (not that I have been there). They're Indian Sikh, but my boyfriend is not religious and is just like the average Brit (with a few inadvertent different cultural ways of thinking that he has been brought up with, but he doesn’t see it like that). He drives, is very well dressed, handsome, tall, confident, charismatic, mentally stable, intelligent and practical, to name but a few qualities (I could go on, because frankly I’m probably totally bias).

I'm 21, not financially well off (got debts starting to pile up). I'm probably classed as 'working class'. My Dad is a taxis driver. My Mum died of cancer when I was 17. I live in a not so great 2 bedroom flat with my Dad and my slightly psychopathic dog. As I said I'm currently unemployed. I missed a lot of school due to mental health (over the top nervousness and anxiousness, I suppose you could say). Currently I am trying to gain qualifications and improve my confidence to help my job prospects. I have already gained 1 qualification, which isn’t much, but it’s a start. Every job I have ever had I have messed up through my mental health and lack of confidence. Now I wouldn’t even know what to put on a CV but blankness, since I cannot mention my previous jobs. I have been on anti-depressants (not any longer); have seen a councillor and I am currently attending art therapy sessions. I am trying to help myself out of my situation, but I haven’t been looking hard enough for work because I’m so scared I won’t be able to handle it again and crack up. I have unintentionally taken my Mum’s place and look after my Dad. I spend most of my time cooking and cleaning, when I’m not doing that I struggle to do anything for myself because I don’t see the point.

Basically this post came about because he just left after his visit and I'm feeling terribly upset and confused. When he left there was no long goodbye, just a quick kiss. I didn't cry, until he'd gone. He didn't come accross at all bothered about leaving. It probably didn’t help that he's allergic to something (or most things) in my flat (even though I keep it clean, very clean when he's around). I suppose you wouldn't when you have a lovely place to go back to. I feel really upset and ashamed for so many reasons and so utterly lonely.

I have not visited where he lives, nor met his parents. His parents and family do not know about me. The reason for this is they will not approve of me, and may make life difficult for him. I have no career, nothing. Their preference would be for him to have an arranged marriage. I am hurt by him telling me that his parents wouldn't approve of me. But having thought over it I’d rather deal with that than more shame from them giving me the cold shoulder (which my boyfriend said they’d probably do).

At 3 Months into the relationship I told him on the phone I felt like I was falling in love with him. In the nicest way he could he told me he didn't feel like he was with me, and wasn't even sure what love was. His ex ran off with his best friend. She, like me wasn't working from what I can gather. But she did meet his parents, even lived with them for a while. However they didn't like her but made the effort. My boyfriend and his ex later moved out and got a place together, then she did what she did for whatever reasons. Now, he says his parents wouldn't want to go through that again. So I'll meet his parents whenever either he or I have a career, then they will know he is financially secure.

I feel like I don’t deserve him. I feel he’s better than me in everyway possible, and because of this I’m terrified I’m going to lose him.

It’s been 8 Months now and I am so utterly in love with him. I have said anything to him however, not since the incident on the phone 3 months into the relationship out of total fear. So many times I've almost let I love you slip out, but refrained for saying it. I really want to say it, I don't need him to say it back, but of course I'd want him to, but if he didn't I would be crushed. Sometimes I'd just look at him when he's asleep and my heart will completely melt. We are past the honeymoon stage for sure, the bad habits are all there but still when I look at him I feel like a giggling school girl and I muddle my words, and fear I come accross as a fool. I just want to shout how much I love him, but my biggest fear is it would mean nothing to him. I've been holding it back for Months; I don't know how much longer I can hold it in until I explode. I tell myself "Just one more Month and I’ll say it next time we see each other" and kind of wish he says it first. But he hasn’t said it and I haven’t said it because I so scared and how dare I be as presumptuous that someone like him could possibly love someone like me.

I don't know how long to wait, until he feels the same way. I feel pressured that I’m not doing enough so I can be in situation when I can meet his parents. I try to look at the evidence, but it's confusing. Sometimes he's hot; other times a little cold normally after being close. I want to tell him, but in the end what does saying it achieve?

I miss him desperately. I live a lonely life, which doesn't help. He is surrounded by people. We are from very different sides of the track.

I want to be with him, I even think about living with him. But at 8 Months, without even I love you and my situation that is total un-rational, of course.

Sometimes I tell him little white lies to save myself some pride, so he won't think I'm a complete and utter loser. I don't want to lie to him, I want to tell him the whole truth. But I don't want to lose him. I know it's wrong, because if he doesn't like the truth then he wasn't worth it, but I just... I tell myself if I just get a job, if I just... I won't have to tell him.

What can he possibly see in me I don't think I'd love me either if I was him.

Now when I'm with him I over analyze everything. For example, if he hasn't kissed me for so many hours I start to wonder if he's just not that into me. If when we got to bed he doesn't put his arms around me all the time, if he says something in a certain way. It's just crazy, I’m driving myself crazy. I'm having such a hard time controlling myself from breaking down into tears in his presense (which I have done twice). I have such a need to be loved and to know I'm not going to lose him. I'm trying to hard to keep it under wraps before I push him away, but when I do I feel like I'm pretending.

God, what a mess I feel so awful and trapped.

Calm down and relax.

Easy to say that - much, much harder for you to do it.

I think you recognise that this is much more about you and your problems than about him. You have had a hard life, a great loss, and you are struggling to get by, never mind get ahead. All of this, plus the difficulties of a long-distance relationship with man from a different culture (no matter how assimilated he is) is complicating all of that.

You need to find a balance in your own life before you can find a balance in a relationship. You can't do that on your own, too much has happened for you to deal with.

So get help - tomorrow. Make an appointment with your GP and ask her for a referral for some therapy. There is no shame in admitting your need help to heal your spirit and your mind.

The therapist will help you put all your past and present problems in perspective and that will make it much easier to deal with them.

Good luck - you will be fine with some good, practical help.

Thank you for your advice DN.

It's hours on now. I've been trying to chill out, but I can't. I tried to talk to my Dad, but as usual he just shouts.

I'm ridiculously over sensitive. Right now I feel paralyzed with hurt. I don't want to go in my bedroom, because it's all as he left it, I'll cry. It's stupid.

I went for a walk to try and feel better. It didn't work, I'm still crying.

I miss him so much. Everytime he leaves I feel this way, especially with the thought of not knowing when I'll see him next or it will be for another 3 Months again, or longer. At lest when I don't see him for Months I get used to it, but when I see him again and then he's gone again... it's awful. I wish we were closer, if I missed him all it would take is a phone call and "Hey, let's go see a movie."

This will sound awful, but I don't care that it's Christmas next week. I just can't get excited or feel good about it. I have no decorations up, since I was busy before BF came, no I just don't see the point. I don't care about the tree being up, no one else apart from Dad is here. Since my Mum died it got worse every year. Christmas has no meaning to me anymore. I spent the worst one in the Philippines 2 years ago, sick and alone and that did it for me.

I'm going to make an appointment with Doctor tomorrow. I'm frightened of myself. I feel on the brink, I'm thinking stupid stupid thoughts. I just can't go through this much longer.

Whereabouts in the UK do you both live - is 4 hours such a long time that you can't see each other more often?

He lives in Wolverhampton (West Midlands), I live in Kent (right on the coast in South-east England).

I mentioned could we see each other more often, but I'm not really in a position to say that, as there are a few factors here. One being him taking leave from work, secondly if I go there we'd have to get a hotel because his family don't know and I can't afford that. I can't, after all he's done so far expect him to keep spending more money. I expect if we saw each other more often his family would get suspicious too.

There is the prospect of he's just not as into me as I am with him. I really don't know, since I don't trust my instincts.

Hey confessoress,

To my belief (and a short term experience with an Italian boyfriend), no person is in a LDR if he's not totally into you. I think you have so many things going on in your life that you can't believe that someone will be there for you. Your vision is blurred by the depressing thoughts.

You are doing a great job, taking care of the house where you live and gaining more certificates and experience to build a career. It sounds to me that you do everything in your own power to make things better. Start to have a little faith in yourself.

As for the boyfriend, I know it's very very hard to be apart. Why didn't he tell his family? That is kind of odd, right? However, I waited a month to tell my parents about my Italian sweetie, because I knew they could freak out with thoughts about me leaving the country. In the end we both couldn't cope with the distance and the language barrier. We still love each other and are dear friends now.

I think you can't go on like this, bottling everything up inside. You need to talk to someone (coming here is of course a step in that direction but we are no professionals of course), and I think you need to tell your bf about how you feel. Can you call him? Or just to say that you loved your time together and miss him?

How was he during the visit?

Ilse

Hello Ilse. Thank you for your reply.

I'm feeling a bit bushed at the moment It's late and I've been crying on and off for hours now.

I did ask myself why, if he wasn't really into me why waste his time on a long distance relationship? Why would he come here? Spend money on me? Then I worry after this visit he'll bore of me and it'll end.

I thought I was doing a good job trying to sort myself out. But I feel whatever I do is never good enough for my Dad and to an extent, my boyfriend. There was a reception job he thought I should go for, he kept going on about it, I said I didn't feel capable. In the end I lied and said I applied. Earlier he asked if I told the truth, to swear on his life. So I told him the truth. He said something like "Ah, thought you didn't to be honest." I said I was sorry and explained and he said I didn't need to explain myself to him.

Financally at the moment I am relying on my Dad, THAT is not good.

The reason he hasn't told his family, as I mentioned is because they are Sikh Indian (BF was born in the UK however) and although he says it's not because I'm white, it's because I don't have career or job. They will not be impressed and give me the cold shoulder, they won't like me. He doesn't want them to give me the cold shoulder. He doesn't really want to tell them until either I or he has a career. He said he could, but they wouldn't be nice and might give him a hard time.

I have been bottling it up, even though I've been going to art therapy. I'm going to try and get some sessions with the councillor again.

A few Months ago I called my BF and tried to explain what I was feeling, saying I thought we could spend more time together if we really wanted, I asked why he hadn't told his family, that's when he told me about that. Afterwards he suggested going on a break, as it all seems very hard for me. I thought about it and said no, lets see how it goes and he was very quick to agree.

During the visit, I'd have to say that he was the most affectionate he has ever been. In bed he faced me and held me in his arms the first night. I had nightmares (I often do when he's here, from worry I think) and I must of been crying and I woke up to him stroking my face saying "Hey hey it's ok, are you ok? Come here." However he did become a tad less affectionate a day on. I suppose I am quite clingy.

The sex... I felt I was awful, although he didn't have any complaints.

He called me twice on the way home quickly, to say where he was. Texted after he'd watched football and had dinner. But I didn't tell him I was upset.

If I tell him I worried the go on a break thing will come up again.

Morning after. Feeling awful, want to ball eyes out and just go to sleep. I forced myself to get up, I have to go Christmas shopping.

He'll be at work now. I don't know whether to tell him how much I miss him.

Feel worried that after this time he doesn't like me so much or something Or I wasn't good in bed, or....

If I didn't love him I wouldn't feel this way. He'll be fine, but why do I feel so bad? Do I feel more than him.

I don't know what to do

He hasn't contacted me at all today. He normally texts me from work, on a break or e-mail's. But nothing right now. And I'm totally paranoid.

When he was here he talked about a girl at work. She's healthy, plays football, good dresser (everything I'm probably not) and they get on well apparently. Now I'm having stupid thoughts that he's falling for her or something. But if he was, why would he tell me?

Ugh, I'm trying to keep busy, but all I can think of is him.

Still nothing. Something is wrong.

Had argument with Dad too.

Felt so bad. Nearest doctor appointment I could get is Wednesday.

I went for a walk on the beach and I was totally devastated. Something bad is going to happen I can feel it. I found a sharp shell and tried cutting myself. It's stupid but I just want the pain to go away. I came back and I still feel awful. I dislike alcohol but I've poured half a tall glass of brandy and I'm drinking it, I just can't cope with this without going crazy at the moment. I'm going to drink this, thinking about taking pills... won't. Drink this and sleep I can't stand the pain when I'm awake I'm afraid.

I'm so ashamed, but I can't take much more of the pain. I need to numb it before doing something stupid.

God make it go away

Hey sweetie, big hugs okay?

I know once you get the ball rolling on worrying about something, it is hard to stop it. It is best to not worry until you KNOW what is really going on okay. Don't imagine what could be going on, it rarely does any good!

Be careful about the alchohol, it's a depressant and can only make you feel worse. Definitely stay away from the pills and such!

I am sorry that you cannot get an appointment earlier, however is there a hotline you can call to temporarily get you through. I know here we have a suicide hotline, and a crisis line, that are great for helping you through those rougher moments.

And sweetie, have FAITH in yourself, learn to believe in yourself. So what if your background is rougher (I am sorry about your mom by the way, my mom is battling cancer right now, and even 10 years older then you I cannot imagine not having her around...) that does not mean you are NOT worthy of love or of success honey. I have crappy debts too, and in a job I hate...but learn you do deserve the best. I am applying to do my law degree, and I learned to love myself first of all, and once I could do that, I met someone whom loved me completely and I trusted they DO love me! Empower YOURSELF...have the courage to change what you can, and the strength to accept what you can't...and believe in what you can offer sweetie.

Thank you Ray Kay.

I got an e-mail from him at work 30 minutes before he finished. He was a bit short. Followed by an e-mail with an attachment of a 'Careers Support' word file they received at work today, saying it's helpful and I should give it a good read through. I think he's not very happy with me concerning work etc I am trying my best. I wonder sometimes if he does these things because he wants me to do better for myself or if it's because of him and his parents.

On a Monday he goes straight home quickly changes, goes to football then normally calls me on the way home. I get the feeling he won't be doing that tonight. I had a contract phone where I had free minutes like him, but I had problems with it, so he always calls me. When I call him he gets concerned about my credit, since I'm now using pay as you go. I don't like to call him, in case I'm getting in his way. That and because we talk everyday I we do run out of things to talk about. However he has called me at night in bed and we'd just say nothing mostly, and he seems ok with that.

I'm worried that my actions and situation are putting this relationship down the pan.

My Dad really isn't helping at the moment. He made a snide remark about him not telling his family. I made him spit it out, he said it's like he's not commited and my Dad wouldn't do that to a girl he was with. I really don't need to be hearing things like this. What about all the positive things he's done for me?

My Dad hasn't been understanding at all right now. It's Christmas and since Mum that's never a good time, plus this and how I feel. He's been snapping at me all day. I've been doing the Christmas shopping and was not in the mood to clean. I'm sure I'll be getting a mouthful about that soon. I'm a clean person, but my Dad wants spotless.

The alcohol was a bad thing to do. But I did manage to have a cat nap after, and at lest woke up feeling numb and not hysterical, and my BF had e-mailed by that point, which made me feel a tad better.

I know he won't be feeling bad about me being gone. Maybe his missing me is normal level type and mine is off the wall because I obviously have other problems.

I have e-mailed Samaritans, I couldn't phone... I'm extremely shy.

I have little faith in myself because I feel the little I have people suck out of me.

I really am doing my best, but the people closest to me don't seem to realise that, or how hard it is just to get by at the moment.

I don't know what I expect of my boyfriend. He has been very good in a lot of ways. But the family thing doesn't seem right. But I wish people around me would stop being so negative, it's making me worse.

Anyone have any suggestions how I can do something nice for my boyfriend?

Sigh. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I feel lost and I'm not eating properly. I don't see the point.

He didn't call or text after work or football. At 10pm I gave up and texted asking if everything was ok. I got a reply 30 minutes later saying "Yeah i'm just gonna have a shower, then get some cereal and get into bed."

I now texted back saying "have I done something?" and he's taking a hell of a long time to reply compared to his normal standards.

It's just not like him to be short like that or not tell me he's home, or ask how's my day been or... I don't know if it's the job thing, or after this visit he's just not that into me anymore and he's thinking it over... but something isn't right and I'm panicked.

I got a reply from the samaritans saying this:

"You also talk about being 'working class' and your

boyfriend's family not approving of you, are you okay to be

in a relationship where people seem so willing to judge? do

you think your relationship with this partner is as not quite

as serious as perhaps you believe, as it comes accross your

feelings seem so much stronger than his."

Would someone that isn't serious do what I've wrote about in this thread. God I'm so confused and hurt. I don't know what to do about this.

I got "Bedtime for me hon, gotta get to sleep". then I said "I missed you today hon" and he replied "Did you get that file I sent you"(the job one). I mean, ouch So I replied "That went down well. Yes I did thank you." "did you read it all? any good?" "yes" "good good. i'm off to sleep, night night hon x x x" "goodnight

Ouch ouch ouch OUCH

I'm feeling so scared of myself I really honestly can't take how I feel right now.

Feeling sucidal. Tried to talk to Dad, he again shouted and told me "You have to cope. You have to clean and..." "I won't be around forever, get a grip" "Stop crying!" "Be postitive"(after he'd told me when I made an effort, that what I was wearing looked awful, that my boyfriend doesn't care enough about me"...

I sent my BF a message at 2am last night saying "We need to talk tomorrow he hasn't contacted me today at all.

Why does no one care about me, why do they treat me like this. Why is nothing I do good enough. What's wrong with me!?

Will they only take me seriously if I have blood pouring down my arms and I'm unconscious from an overdose? What will it take for the people I care about to realise what I'm going through!?

I don't want to put the decorations up, I don't care, I don't care, I DON'T care right now. I'm busy trying to stay alive, why can't they understand.

Hasn't contacted me at all today. Noticed he had posted on a forum on his break, normally texts me at that point.

I'm getting the impression this is the beginning of the end. Or he's lost interest.

It's so awful knowing that I'm in agony, and he probably doesn't feel a thing.

Hey Honey,

Everyone experiences things differently, the only way for them to know how YOU feel, is to have been in your shoes - and depending on their experiences it is very hard to understand. For someone whom has never had depression for example, it is very hard to understand how it can be all consuming and one cannot just "be positive" and snap out of it - it's chemical and physiological. I think this will be a good thing to talk to your therapist about.

I also think, you are feeling so much pain, and worry, that you are seeing things that are not, or worrying about things that you can't. One of the things with an LDR for example, is you accept there is distance, and you have to learn not to overanalyze everything in any relationship. Be aware of course, but when they say 'I love you', you can't get to point where you dissect it and wonder why they said it "that way" and not "that other way" and so forth. It really shows to me that maybe you aren't ready for a long distance relationship, maybe you also need to work on yourself first and learn that love comes from within.

Part of the reason you may be feeling this way is you are dependent on the other people in your lives to replace that love for yourself. You know how they say you cannot be loved by someone else, or love someone else, until you love yourself first? The reason being is you will never TRUST their love of you, until you know you DESERVE that love - and that comes from loving yourself first.

Your dad loves you...parents are not perfect either and have a hard time sometimes knowing how to talk to their kids, especially when they see their kids in pain. You BOTH went through a major event only four years ago when your mother died, and it changed the shape of your family, it's not hard to end up pushing each other away, and it takes work to come together again. You both are learning about one another, you are becoming an adult, your father probably fears for you, and fears losing you too. Parents are human too, and not perfect, but it's obvious he cares. He is trying to protect you. When he says your bf does not care enough...it's not because he is trying to hurt you, it's because he is saying "I don't want to see you, my daughter, being in pain and hurt by this guy..you deserve so much better". But he does not know how to say it. Trust me, they do care.

I would go sit down after you talk to a counsellor about a good way to do it, and TELL your dad how you feel. You may be surprised. Or write him a letter if that is easier. Start a journal...you write a page in it to talk to him, he can write back in it, and you keep trading. It helps a lot sometimes when it comes to child/parent relationship communication. I did it when I was younger.

As for your boyfriend. Maybe he HAS lost interest, I cannot say, maybe he has not, but I can say that if he has, then he is not the one for you, and there is someone out there whom is. But first honey, you really have to learn that LOVE comes from within ourselves. Realize YOU are worthy of love, and love will follow - from yourself, from friends, from a partner.

Big HUGS sweetie.

Hey Confessoress,

I read your thread (backwards... Just to be unique...)

You don't know what he feels. He is stung and bitter from past experience and it takes time to fully trust and open up again.

He might not be losing interest.

Be careful with what you perceive; it can lead you down the wrong path and remember that it is not factual.

He might be busy just now.

Take your mind off it, you are your own person, too - not just a relationship.

Feel free to PM me, add me to MSN (PM me for that) or AIM.

Take care.

Hey Confessoress!

It is ok to feel down! Everyone handles things differently. I myself have been there plenty of times. I still am like that. I am kind of in the same situation as you.

My boyfriend hasnt had a job in about 6 months, and I dont feel he is trying to look. When I push he looks. And if you push him in the wrong way he resist. And the only reason why I push him to get a job is because he needs to make his bills, and grow up. And I want to build a future with him, and it is making me think that in the future is this what it is going to be like? If I were to have kids with this man, am I going to be the one to work 3 jobs just to pay all the bills, and he sit at home playing video games? and not taking care of this kids? Things like that!

I do not know your situation with employment, but you sound like a very smart girl, you came here for advice instead of hurting yourself. So you are smart. So DO NOT doubt yourself as a person. Everyone goes through this phase that you are at right now!

How old are you? I am 22 years old, I have been dealing with depression for close to 12 years. Ever since my father died. And you know what things are hard at times. And all you can think about is would your mother want you to hurt yourself, would your father want you to hurt yourself, would your boyfriend want you to hurt yourself! The answser is no!

I am not sure of your relationship with your father, but I can tell you this. You are trying to improve your qualifications for jobs. That is awesome. alot of people dont and wont do that!

Now as far as going for jobs you don't think you are qualified for! Try going for it, the worst they can do is tell you no. But you know what it is not so bad. It will give you the experience for interviews on how to nail them next time! Try for another clerical job. You would be surprised how easy it is. I used to work retail and I now have a job as a secretary. It is strange.

And as for your boyfriend, and him sending you the file for a job. It sounds like he might be trying to help you. He wouldnt come see you, or call you or send you those work files if he didnt care. Maybe he is trying to help you find a job so you can meet his parents. So they will approve of you!

I dont know how the job market is in England. But in Atlanta, GA it is wide open, and you tried a search for a job that you are qualified for. Maybe a customer service rep, just answering phones and things.

And as for the mental health, it has affected me in many different ways. I have anger problems, emotional issues, trust issues. and other things, but all you can do is take it one day at a time. Counseling helped me alot. And this site from reading other posts of people of the same things I have been going through has made me think about my situation.

Here is the thing you are not alone in this world. Your father just sounds like he doesnt know how to deal with things in a positive manner. Maybe going to counseling with him might help.

Try going for a job that you arent qualified for, maybe you will get it you never know until you try! And if you did get the job it will help with self esteem issue (another problem of mine) and it has helped me!

Please feel free to PM anytime you want to talk! I am usually on this site alot so just hit me up if you would like to talk!