Alcohol conflict in a loving relationship

[avgirl]

First of all, I am so glad I found this website! I was very upset today and looking for a place to find some advice, but I didn't know where to turn.

I'm female and have been in a long-term relationship with a male that I trust and love, and have been with for almost two years and known for four years or so.

He's been working very hard to stop drinking (and I'm very proud of him for it), but every once in a while he binges, usually while I'm not with him (he rarely drinks around me), but sometimes he calls me while he's drinking.

Can alcohol make someone that's usually very nice, and very caring, mean? It's hard to understand him over the phone when he's drunk, but he says some very hurtful things to me and I never confront him about it because the next day he never mentions it, and I don't know if he doesn't remember or what. But he also has some problems with depression and I think bringing up how much it hurts me when he does that or says certain things might depress him and cause him to drink again, so I usually just ignore it because I'm happy he's okay as soon as it's over.

I don't know what to do though, I've heard people say that alcohol doesn't make a person mean, all it does is enable them to say what they really feel, and I never believed that but I'm just scared because of what he says...

But he usually never acts like that, I mean I've been with him for almost two years and he's probably only said hurtful things to me while drinking five times at the most, maybe less. I remember one of them very well because it was the first one and he was mad at someone and I was trying to tell him that it wasn't as bad as it seemed, you know give them the benefit of the doubt or whatever...I wasn't saying it to side with those people, I was just trying to say "well they don't know you" and stuff because I didn't want him to be hurt by them, because it's true they didn't even know him so why would he be hurt by what they said. But then he turned around and said the same thing he was saying about them right to me out of the blue and I don't understand. Is that the alcohol talking.

I need help. Thanks. I love him a lot...he usually doesn't act that way, just sometimes...

[newts]

I've been here before, Alcohol usually does bring out their true feelings, my ex had a problem with drinking, would call me every name under sun and When I would bring it up the next day he would say, You know I didn't mean it baby, that wore thin after 5 times. Alcohol does make them mean and un-rational, however, there is a bit of truth in everything that people say when drunk.

Trust me, if he doesn't stop drinking leave. They don't get better until they can admit they have a problem and get either help (professional) or stop drinking. You don't have to stop loving them just because you are not with them. I still think of all the good times with my ex, however, I will never forget the bad.

[JuStAgIrL31806]

Yes, alcohol is a very powerful drug. My father is an alcoholic, and he will sometimes get very angry and say some things that he should never say. I told my mothers friend about some things he was saying and she told me that some kind of doctor told her that alcohols tend to lash out on people they love...hope this helps! I hope he gets better too! Best of luck!!!

[Blue Skittles]

Alcohol tends to bring out people's emotions. If this guy is holding in a lot of anger he will probably get really angry when he drinks, and that can be directed towards you. Its not necessarily the truth about how he really feels, although it can be.

I was in an alcoholic relationship for 2 years. It caused a lot of pain. I just want you to be careful. Even if he has worked really hard at quitting drinking, he is still drinking, and that can backfire and go backwards. I've seen it happen thousands of times with my ex. Just please realize, that you CANNOT change him, he has to change himself, and until then, you have to accept him for the way he is, so don't spend all your time thinking he will change, cuz chances are, he won't. I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about half a year ago. I am still close friends with him and supportive to him emotionally but I just couldn't make the relationship work because I was not about to deal with his alcoholism for the rest of my life. Just some words of caution, so like i said, be careful ok?

[teacup]

that's abuse. just because he drank alcohol is not excuse. do you want to go through these cycles again everytime he drinks for the rest of your life? it's not worth it......the damage to your selfesteem, to your pride, dignity, sense of self...it's not worth it. run fast, run far, and run long and get out of dodge. this guy is trash. if he really loved you, he would NEVER treat you this way drunk or not.

that is something i have learned, if someone truly values you, they will treat you consistently all the time, even when they are angry and upset.

[RayKay]

Hi avgirl,

Welcome to the site!

I have actually been in a VERY similar situation before. I dated someone whom would be very considerate and loving to me, then when he drank (again not very often, but he would binge drink now and then) he could be absolutely downright cruel to me. I usually could not even believe the words coming out of his mouth, I would be shocked, sad, and it would only "feed" him to say even more terrible things. The strange thing is, I would ultimately apologize for "setting him off" when I had done no such thing.

The day after, I would never bring it up or say anything about it. Which in retrospect is stupid because I just accepted it.

It is my true belief that we don't say drunk what we don't believe sober. Being drunk does not change whom you are or your beliefs, it just lessens your own guide about what is appropriate and so forth. So I knew my ex really did think these things, though I did not want to really believe it.

Someone whom loves and respects you will love and respect you ALL the time. Even if they are drinking, there would be NO cruelty! My current boyfriend if he drinks a bit too much, he gets very lovey, dovey and is all over me - in a good way! His character is his character and it does not change just due to a few rye and Coke's.

His "sometimes" behaviour is already too much hon, because even if it is only "sometimes" it is still cruel, and still hurting your self esteem. I think you cannot just "accept" this, you should talk to him about how you feel, but also realize that you cannot change him unless he is willing to change himself. And if he does not do that, really decide whether this man is truly making you feel LOVED.

[Hope75]

I was engaged to an alcoholic for 5 years quite a few years ago and it was the same thing. Very nice and caring guy when he didn't drink, and it was like a sailor/truckdriver came out when he was drunk. He had no inhibition, and called me terrible things or said awful things to me. It got worse and he began hitting me too.... I had to leave when he tried to kill me.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, but someone with violent tendancies brought out by alcohol (and usually that anger is already in there, alcohol just lowers the inhibition to keep it inside) it's never a good thing. Drinking is not an excuse to disrespect you.

How hard can he be trying not to drink if he is still binge drinking, even once in a while? Like he's building up points or something.

Sweetie, I know there aren't the words that you want to hear and I am sorry that this is happening to you. Of course you love him, but do you think he loves himself enough to stop being self destructive?

My ex was battling depression to, it made it worse, and I also handled him with kid gloves for the longest time. Sometimes when a person is depressed alcohol is a way to excape that feelings, and it snowballs from there. It's NOT a healthy way to handle it though, but often it's very hard for them to stop.

You being afraid to bring it up and stand up for yourself when he acts this way out of fear of hurting his feelings or making it worse is even worse. You are already beginning to put yourself and your needs and what you deserve (not to feel insulted or talked down to by someone who is supposed to love you) aside in favor of not upsetting or hurting him. That isn't fair to you, who is watching out for you?

Has drinking been a problem for him for a while?

I'm not going to tell you what to do because in my experience (having been on the other side of this situation) you are not going to listen until you are ready and make the decision for yourself, but I am going to strongly encourage you to look long and hard at the situation, and think for yourself, after two years and he is still drinking, either he is not trying all that hard, or it's not going well and what that means for your future.

Know that you deserve to always feel safe, loved and respected in a relationship, and that if he gets out of control enough to insult you or call you names (5 times... is still too many), that is a problem, and potentially it can get worse, though as it is, it is already a problem.

Take care and if you want to PM me please feel free

Hope

[avgirl]

Thank you all for the advice, I appreciate it very much. It's nice to see so many people here willing to help.

I'll take everything said into consideration. He does admit that he has a problem and is seeking help (AA and classes), and I do believe that he wants to help himself (not just for me, but he wants to quit)...but I also fear that part of the reason he going to the classes is to get his license back.

I believe in him, though, he's a good person...but, it does scare me when people say that alcohol just brings out true feelings. It doesn't make sense to me because half of the time I don't even know what he's mad at me for, so I don't understand how it could be true feelings because if he weren't drunk, what would be his reasons to say certain things? He seems to get mad at me for not understanding (or acting like I don't understand) why he's acting the way he is, when he's drunk. I'll say something like "why are you saying that?" or "what do you mean?" when he's talking weird (supposedly the "alcohol is talking"), and he'll either answer with "EXACTLY!", which makes no sense at all but it seems to be his famous answer to anything he doesn't understand when he's drunk, or, which he seemed to do for the first time last night, "you know what, f*ck you".

But I do know that I will at least try to confront him about it, today or tomorrow, for once (once he's normal-acting again).

Thanks.

[ocrob]

I will give you the drunks perspective. I drink way too much, but am never cruel or mean. But, I have acted inappropriatly and have regretted it in the morning. My ex had a problem with me drinking, but I was never disrespectful, but a few times got pretty sloppy. I guess it is not very attractive. I stopped it, but she still did not think I would sustain. She now says that is why we broke up, but there was a lot more I would imagine. I don't necessarily think people say what they mean while they are drunk, but they definitely say stupid stuff.

ocrob

[RayKay]

If he is still binge drinking, despite taking AA and classes honey, he is not really being committed to solving the problem or changing. Part of AA is making a commitment to sobriety. Not a drink here and there, and definitely not a binge drinking. The point is he has an addiction, and illness, and you can't recover unless you totally commit 110% to doing so.

I know you don't see how what he says is what he really "means" or whatever, but I am just saying my ex was same way. He too for some reason would say things like "EXACTLY!" and "I AM RIGHT!". He just turned into this strange person, whom almost seemed to be having his own conversations and talking to himself, while talking to me! It's odd, it's strange, but it does show that there is SOMETHING going on there.

Some people get very out of hand, and "bullish" when drunk. My ex whom I mentioned, he basically turned into this insensitive, stubborn "I don't put up with any BS" kind of guy. Even if that BS was something like "don't call me something cruel etc...." to him that was BS and would make him snap even more. For some reason, they tend to think they are being funny, cool, confident, everyone loves them, and don't realize they look like idiots and are being jerks. But that does not EXCUSE the behaviour.

I TRULY believe that how they treat you when drunk is a sign of how they really feel about you and the relationship. Now, your opinion differs and that is fine, but look at the overall picture. I REALLY doubt he entirely forgets, and I would see how he responds when you bring it up. By not bringing it up you have continued to tacitly give him permission to treat you this way, let him know you are not going to sit around and be treated that way anymore be he drunk or not.