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  1. #1
    Member HeartAche's Avatar
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    I think my Fiancee is cheating on me - Advice please :(

    I've been with my Fiancee for just over 4 years now but the last few months we've hit a bad patch. She'd been acting very suspiciously with her mobile phone and had been cold towards me.

    I got extremely paranoid and made the big mistake of checking her phone (twice). The first time I saw she'd sent a message to this bloke "Can't talk at the mo babe. Will call you later if that's okay XXX". This tore me up inside as I couldn't believe she would do something like this to me. I didn't say anything to her as I knew we'd just get in a fight because I'd checked her phone and I love her so much and don't want to lose her.

    After overhearing a conversation with her sister I broke down in tears in front of her and she was reasuring.

    That made me feel a bit better but after she came back from shopping, I checked the phone again and there was a message from 'him' "I hate these short conversations. Your voice makes me feel all gooey inside. I LOVE YOU SOOO MUCH XXXX". Again I didn't say anything.

    Then the other day I noticed she wasn't wearing her engagement ring. I asked where it was and she said it fell off so she put it on the other hand. I then asked her if she was seeing someone else and she said she wasn't.

    A couple of days later I felt really depressed again and she asked what's up, I told her that it feels like she's seeing someone else and if she was then now was the time to tell me, again she said she wasn't.

    I really don't know what to do. I love her more than life itself but I can't go on as I am, I feel constantly depressed, I spend great parts of my day crying, I haven't eaten properly in weeks, I can't concentrate on anything and I keep getting mental images of her with another man and it makes me feel sick.

    Is there any chance that this is just some meaningless flirting which is why she's denied it? Help me please.

  2. #2
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    Well, you've checked her phone and you've SEEN pretty blatant proof of what's going on. Your girlfriend sounds selfish and without any regard for YOUR feelings for not coming out with it when you approached her.
    I know you must be heartbroken, and I know it's hard, but at the same time, you KNOW what's going on. Do you want to be with someone who isn't completely honest with you? Do you think she's IT for you when it comes to happiness? I think you deserve better, and I think deep down you know that. It's especially hard for you since you've proposed to her, but at the same time, do you really want to marry her?
    Approach her again and TELL her about looking at her phone. If you want her to be honest with you, be honest with her about atleast that. She can't be mad at you for checking her phone if it turns out to be the truth. Even if it is a fling, I get the feeling your relationship is monogamous. Put yourself first, not your relationship. She obviously isn't. Don't torture yourself thinking "what if".
    The grass is greener where you water it.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member PocoDiablo's Avatar
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    Unless it's her brother or father who she is talking to...

    I'm engaged right now as well. I can tell you that my fiance would never even THINK about talking to some other guy (at least not without telling me) for fear of me dumping her. She cares for me, respects me, and is honest with me. Dare I say that I don't think your fiance has your best interests in mind - not at the least. A woman who has a high interest level in her man would never take any action that could upset him.

    But it seems like your fiance thinks she can do whatever she wants with complete disregard for you. Is that true? Are you going to allow that?

    (Okay, this is going to get heated because a woman who I was engaged to previously cheated on me as well. So, speaking from experience is going to get you some personality as well. Please forgive me! )

    I've been through a lot of relationships, and I can only give you one piece of advice. You DO need to tell her that you found the messages on the phone, and you DO need to tell her that not wearing the ring is a sign of a broken engagement, and you DO need to tell her that you obviously know she is being dishonest. Is she going to be mad? You bet she will! She's going to be FURIOUS that you went through her phone. But you know what? That is NOT THE POINT. As far as I am concerned, you have every right to check out if this woman who you are promising yourself to is going to be faithful. If she has nothing to worry about, she may be a little befuddled as to why you would check up on her, but she will understand. But if she's mad ... then she is trying to deflect the issue and change the topic!!! Don't stand for it. You tell her that she's got about 5 seconds to explain and if she can't, then you're gone. You get the ring from her - do not take no for an answer - and you walk right the heck out of that door.

    Why?

    First, you have to understand something - when you break down and cry in front of her that is probably one of the most un-attractive things a man can do. You're acting like a big baby, and if this is how you handle problems then you can expect her to distance herself more and more. Remember, she wants a man so she can have children. She does not want a ... child... to have ... more children? That just does not work. So you need to start acting like a man. Remember that you have self respect, self dignity, and that YOU are the prize. She is not the prize here, she is acting in a way that makes you doubt her. She has to treat you good. She has to respect you. She has to be careful not to upset you. YOU are the prize, and the only way you can get her to see how important this is requires you to punish her. And the best way, in my opinion, is to take away the most important thing - YOU. If she is being bad, then YOU walk out.

    (Deep breath!)

    I think you're going to have to do a lot of learning really quick, and that you are going to have to be stoic (emotion-less) and confront this problem. If you really care about her, you tell her that she gets ONE chance, and if she screws up you're done. Personally, it comes to mind to tell her that the engagement is OFF and if she really wants you, then she is going to have to prove it to you. If she cannot prove it, then things are over.

    You need to hold your head up and not get tricked, not get played, not get fooled.

    Yes, this is bad, and yes you care about her a lot. But at the same time you need to think about how things got to this point. Sometimes things just do not work out. You don't want to marry the wrong person, though, do you? No matter how much you like someone, if they don't like you the same or more in return then you will be unhappy. Can you forgive her for cheating? Will you ever? What happens if she cheats 12 times - like MY fiance did? 12 times ... it took me twelve times to learn the lesson.

    Don't make the mistake I did - once is enough.
    Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

  4. #4
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    Pocodiablo- lol, you deserve a standing ovation for that little speech :P

    But seriously, I totally agree. You need to remember about your pride and dignity. YOU come first.
    The grass is greener where you water it.

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  6. #5
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    Meaningless flirting?! In your dreams. I understand you want to avoid the immense pain and discomfort the idea of your fiancee cheating on you would bring, but this is beyond flirting. I think you know that.

    Don't do what she's done to you, be honest and tell her what you've found out. Tell her what you did and why you did it. Tell her how it feels, get angry if you must, it's your right. You deserve much better than this 'flirting'. She has no respect for you or what you two have experienced and built together in the time you've been a couple. You are the prize, I agree with the previous posters. You deserve better, and if this person cannot give you that, then for your own sanity and happiness you must move on. I know how difficult this is, I've been with my boyfriend for the same amount of time and finding out something like this would kill me inside, but I couldn't spend my life with him knowing that this is what he was like. It would make me much more miserable than being on my own.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    I just have to ask, why aren't you saying anything!

    I am worried you are more concerned about causing an argument, or a hurting her feelings, then about standing up for yourself and the right to know that your fiancee is being faithful to you! Instead of truth, you feel safer in denial, and sweetie, that won't change the ending or that truth. You worry about angering her...well hon, you should be the one angry right now.

    Sorry, but text messages with "I love you's" and "xxx's" and suspicious habits (like her ring), and conversations with her sister that leave you in tears and so forth are not just "signs", they are HUMONGOUS RED FLAGS WAVING IN YOUR FACE! But you need to stand up for yourself. Because she is apparently not willing to do the right thing on her own, why should she when you have all this proof but are letting her get away with it. You should NOT be afraid of losing her, you have already lost her, but honestly, she should lose YOU, because you have more self respect then to stay with someone whom cheats, and lies to you. Even if she has not slept with him, she is most DEFINITELY emotionally cheating, and I would be surprised if she hasn't.

    I have a boyfriend, we are not engaged, but I can honestly say I would never, ever, ever, never, never, dream of sending such messages to another man, ever! The only person I sign "Love" to other then him would be my mother, or my siblings. That's it!

    Will she be mad that you looked at her phone...probably. But you know why? Because she is GUILTY. When people are GUILTY they tend to get angry and defensive and try and blame YOU for their actions.

    Women whom are happy to be engaged, do NOT move their rings to other fingers, they do not send "I love you's" to other men. Sweetie, you deserve better then this girl, because the woman you choose to marry should be delighted to be with you. You deserve better. Stand up for yourself, gather together your pride and self respect and stop allowing her to use you like this, and lie to you. She is cruel, cold, a liar, a cheater....do you really believe that is what you deserve from the person you love and are committed to?
    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT]
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    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I]


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  8. #7
    Platinum Member PocoDiablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RayKay
    I have a boyfriend, we are not engaged, but I can honestly say I would never, ever, ever, never, never, dream of sending such messages to another man, ever! The only person I sign "Love" to other then him would be my mother, or my siblings. That's it!
    I think that says it all.
    Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

  9. #8
    Member SLMitchell918's Avatar
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    You really should bring the subject up with her. Let her know that you found out about the messages and you want the truth. Should she not give the truth to you when you know for sure that she is messing around ( sending messages to someone and telling them that you love them is emotional cheating. ) then you dont need her. I know you love her and maybe one day if she tells the truth, it will be up to you to forgive her or not but you can't keep wondering and you need to stand up for yourself.

    You should remember that you can love someone with everything you have but if they dont return your love then trying to continue the way you are would be destructive to your soul.

    I recently found my husband having a thing going on with his co-worker and they had been sending messages on their phone. Thats how I found out about it was by checking his phone. You need to confront her. That was the first thing I did when I found out.

    Best of Luck
    - Selina

  10. #9
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    I agree with the others. You know what's going on. She also lied about it she didn't even mention the messages and is hoping you haven't seen them, clearly because it isn't innocent. All I have to say is...it's a lot harder to get out a marriage than it is to get out of an engagement. It isn't fair that she gets to live her happy life while you suffer, can't eat etc. worrying about what she's up to.

  11. #10
    Bronze Member bleeder's Avatar
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    The other posters made some very good points.

    To put it in a nutshell, your fiance is obviously on the wrong track and her actions are definitely not condoned by me. Fidelity is not something to be taken lightly in a relationship. Some folks think that as long as they spend some time with their "loved ones", it gives them the passport to flirt, to fool around outside.

    That, to me, is a sure fire way to end a relationship. Although there are many lines which could be drawn where unfaithfulness is concerned, but everyone has a limit. What she had done is really too much, and to protect your self-interest and your happiness, I think that leaving her is the best option. Before she chooses to hurt you once again.
    :: An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind :: Minutes To Memories :: John Mellencamp ::

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