clingy, weak, needy, hurting, depressed, emotionally unbalanced

teacup · 12-02-2005, 03:15 AM

i dont remember being so much like this before i turned 17. but since that age on i seem to have turned into a struggling mess. i used to be so emotionless and detached, i couldn't even cry. then i met men........and i turned into this weak, needy pathetic person. i hate it.

i dont understand what is wrong with me. i dont understand why i am this way. i dont know if it is natural or why i am just so weak and needy. im more isolated than i want to be, yet i dont go out there and meet ppl.....i do it passively-aggressively. im sick and tired of being a mess......i dont want other ppl to see through it.

im a pretty social person by nature, i like to be around other ppl and to talk and to listen to them talk. why am i so emotionally unbalanced? why do my emotions go up and down? why do i get hurt so easily and get unbalanced so easily? why am i needy and weak?

being with the abuser made it worse, but he's gone now, why am i still not okay? why do i still not feel emotionally normal, balanced and stable like everyone else? why am i still searching and searching for something more?
what did he do to me to make me this way? and why is it that im not okay yet? what are the answers? what can i do to heal?

i dont think anyone else who has gone through abuse would understand it's very nature but i am afraid of triggers. i am afraid that men will abuse me and use me for sex. baggage, so much baggage. i had someone scold me.......he said "everyone has baggage, but we dont push it on others.".....yes.....but u werent abused. it's a different scale and level of escalation when it's abuse, the damage is significantly greater. the scars deeper and more penetrating. my whole psyche affected. why....oh why....

i want to be healthy, emotionally sound, not so weak and hurting and vulnerable any more.

i get triggers..im afraid men will

- use me for sex
- slam doors in my face
- hang up the phone on me
- yell at me
- ignore my phone calls
- scream at me
- hit me, slap me around
- dangle me
- take revenge and be vindictive
- hurt me on purpose
- scold me
- mistreat me
- jerk me around
- neglect me
- dismiss me
- punish me

Dregnought · 12-02-2005, 06:02 AM

Honey, there are alot of a-holes out there. But you do come across those great people who just help, are kind, and are really great people. Just keep trying. True - i dont know whats it is like ot be abused. But dont let them idiots take you down.

justify_yourlove · 12-02-2005, 07:13 AM

Try to see a therapist. It'll be hard for you to try and meet men without getting help since you've been affected so much. Don't feel discouraged because you will feel a lot more comfortable around men later on in life. There may also be workshops around your area who are in similar situations.

sweetheart230 · 12-02-2005, 10:43 AM

Hi, teacup. I've read a few of your other posts, and you sound a lot like I did-- and still do a lot of the times. I was with an emotionally abusive guy for a year and a half. He did and said awful things to me and then convinced me that it was my fault because I was ugly, or crazy or stupid. I struggle with the same things sometimes. Even though he's gone, I still sometimes believe all his lies about how I'm not good enough.

I've learned that all the men in my life who treated me poorly were attracted to me for a reason: they needed someone to step all over and dominate to make themselves feel better. Subconsciously, I had low self esteem, so I accepted this treatment because I felt I deserved it. That is how most abused women begin to feel. But, now, I know I have to change the inside of me. I have to learn to love myself even if I'm not perfect and believe that a man will love everything about me-- and if he doesn't then I have to have the strength to move on.

I've struggled with the same things you are. I felt needy and pathetic and desperate and unbearably emotional where I would cry constantly. I still feel that way sometimes. I am terrified that a guy will feel the same way about me that my ex did (and do the same things). Its tough out there. The healing process started for me (and is still in its beginning stages to be honest) when I realized that the only reason men did what they did to me was because I ALLOWED IT. You will realize, when you start to heal on the inside and love yourself that when you do not have self-esteem issues you will not attract these stupid jerks-- and even if you do you will walk away before you get obsessed with them.

A lot of your neediness tends to probably stem from the fact that you feel you need a man to be happy. Once you learn that you don't...and learn that happiness is well within your grasp when you are single, that neediness will fade quickly and you'll find you make better choices regarding men...and the ones you choose wouldn't dream of hurting you in those ways you mentioned.

Also, if your school as a counseling department, you might want to look into that as well...if for no other reason, its good to talk to someone sometimes.

Gracelove · 12-02-2005, 09:02 PM

I was feeling really bad recently as well. I went to see a counselor and it really helped. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to.

I think I'm starting to realize that is necessary to greive. It's difficult to face after you've been avoiding it for so long.

I am sad, but I don't want to be. I don't like to think about things that are unpleasant. Are you this way?

I avoid being around people sometimes because I don't want them to sense that I am sad. I just never wanted to be a sad, depressed person that others didn't want to be around.

The truth is that after you hang out with people for a while, it really cheers you up, because chances are, you are lonely.

My mom came to visit me recently. I was sad about my life, and started crying. We talked about some things. She wanted to meet one of my good friends (who is a lot like me). I ran to the bathroom you apply mascara and lip gloss because I wanted it to distract from the fact that I had been crying.

My mom told me to not do that, she was like, so what if they see you've been crying. If they ask say, "ya, I've been crying" and let it be. I'm been so ashamed of all my emotions, all of the ones besides happiness.

You have to grieve. I know you want the pain to end, that you are tired of it all. Although I hate it as well, we have to force ourselves to grieve out of necessity.

If you don't grieve Teacup, how are you going to move on????

Just think of greiving as getting all the bad out so that there will be more room for the good.

If you only let a little bit of the pain out at a time then it will take longer to get rid of. If everytime you begin to grieve, you force yourself to stop, then how will things get better?

Girl, I know it can be sooooo painful. And at times the pain can be so overwhelming that you don't know what to do with yourself. But it has to come out sometime.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You were hurt really badly, for six years. Don't be afraid of crying or ashamed to hurt. It takes time to heal.

I know how you feel about guys as well. I'm not really interested in any of them.

One guy recently showed interest and the first thing I wanted to do was blow him off.

Yesterday my new counselor told me, that I am in control of my actions. A guy can't make me do anything I don't want to do. And the same is true for you.

After letting a man control you, you feel like men have this special power. A power to control you, harm you, damage you, at the snap of their fingers. But we are strong too. We have power.

You had enough power to get out of that relationship with the abuser. Remember that. You have power over yourself, you got out.

Take a chance. I know it's so hard. You don't have to be a in a relationship with a guy. You don't have to kiss a guy if you don't want to. If a guy starts acting crazy you can leave. So if someone wants to be your friend or get to know you, and it's a guy....remind yourself that you are in charge, and maybe it won't be so bad.

P.S. I called that guy, so I'm attemping to take the steps I'm encouraging you to take. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

You are probably in the habit of taking on other people's problems. You are afraid to offend people, not comfortable being yourself because you're afraid you will be rejected.

We are human, ya know. Other people are human as well. And just like you enjoy the company of others, they will enjoy your company as well (even if you are feeling sad).

It's all a process. I wasn't getting out much either. But now I'm telling myself that I'm going to visit and call those people I know. I'm not going to be afraid that I'm "bothering" them. I'm not going to look at myself that way.

Because the fact is that there are people who need you in their lives Teacup. People need you just as much as you need them. People struggle together and help each other. And no matter how much we'd like to hold our head high and always "be okay", we are not perfect. And no one can do it alone. No one can make it through this life alone. And when we isolate ourselves, that is what we are attempting to do.

Start small. You don't have to go to parties. You can see a counselor, or stop by a neighbors house. You just need at least one person you can share you thoughts and feelings with, or just a person to be around.

Don't worry about men abusing you anymore. You don't have to be bothered with any men until you are ready. Let yourself heal, and enjoy the company of others in the meantime. Friendly people make life easier.

Do you have a journal? Writing can really be helpful.

By the way:

*Despite the fact that you feel broken, you still have a light within.*
So let your light shine.

TAFFY · 12-04-2005, 03:53 AM

Teacup, I'm in the same boat as you right now. I was sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abused for years. I feel exactly the same way you do. I have started counselling, I've had 1 appointment so far, and my next one is on Monday.

I guess we have to start ourselves on the road to healing before we can even think about a decent relationship. I can't stand to be touched, I am afraid all of the time, and I have very bad anxiety and panic attacks. I'm also depressed. All of this is a direct result of these unresolved issues from my past. I'm 47 now, and all of this happened to me from the age of 8 or 9, to 11yrs. So I've carried this evil baggage around with me for 36 yrs, and it's really affected me. I froze up when I was intimate with my ex, who physically abused me, I never had an orgasm, I am terrified and cannot go to a gynecologist, I startle very easily and feel that I am also weak and powerless.

If you're not in counselling now, please think about it. They tell me it will help me, so go for it.

uilanigirl · 12-04-2005, 06:26 AM

"needy and pathetic and desperate and unbearably emotional where I would cry constantly" This describes me for the last 12 months of my life that I spent with a man who abused me (verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically), cheated on me and made me feel worthless. After reading all of the above posts, I must say that I definitely agree that 1) you must get really and truly sick and tired of being scared/needy/depressed/desperate and then 2) make a conscious choice to NOT see or contact the guy in any way, shape or form, and then 3) also make a choice to give yourself a period of time that you will mourn, grieve, sort things out and NOT date or even attempt to meet men. period.

This is giving yourself the time you need and deserve to take care of you. You deserve it, teacup..and I deserve it..because we are human and we deserve to be loved tenderly and kindly.

Give yourself that time and space and get around real friends and family who you know care about you. Hang in there..you can do it.

Neglected, Verbally & Emotionally Abused · 12-05-2005, 07:57 AM

what you fear is what you make come to pass. Focus on positive goals and take positive actions. I notice that being used for sex kind of stands apart from the rest of your fears. If you ever have held back sex even though you want it too, it will come across as a mixed message to men. Some will just move on. Some get abusive. Don't hold back because of fear or when the man leaves you this will convince you he used you.

TAFFY · 12-05-2005, 09:08 AM

Neglected, verbally and emotionally abused: wouldn't having a flashback during sex also have the same effect on the man as witholding sex because of fear? I would think that would be worse for the man, because he is all ready to get busy, and then his partner gets a flashback and curls in on herself. That happened to me the first time I had sex, and my ex was not too thrilled, because he was already inside me.

tedesca80 · 06-05-2008, 04:22 AM

I have recently broken up with a guy who seemed to have histrionic personally disorder. I was feeling the way you did while I was around him. He kind of brought back real bad memories and fears really fast. then why was I with him?? well, cause it was the first guy I actually liked in a long time and I somehow felt if I could be comfortable around him then I would be comfortable at all times if you know what I mean. unfortunately it didnt work that way so I had to break up... I still have memories of him hanging around my head and the good part is cause he brought up all those messed up fears, I decided to go to therapy. Im now trying to figure out my fears of men and all the emotional baggage.
I think you should do the same too.. otherwise its really hard to have a healty relationship and also you want to be emotionally healhty when that special someone comes along...

12-02-2005, 03:15 AM	#1
teacup Offline Join Date: Aug 2005 Age: 28 Posts: 1,088	clingy, weak, needy, hurting, depressed, emotionally unbalanced i dont remember being so much like this before i turned 17. but since that age on i seem to have turned into a struggling mess. i used to be so emotionless and detached, i couldn't even cry. then i met men........and i turned into this weak, needy pathetic person. i hate it. i dont understand what is wrong with me. i dont understand why i am this way. i dont know if it is natural or why i am just so weak and needy. im more isolated than i want to be, yet i dont go out there and meet ppl.....i do it passively-aggressively. im sick and tired of being a mess......i dont want other ppl to see through it. im a pretty social person by nature, i like to be around other ppl and to talk and to listen to them talk. why am i so emotionally unbalanced? why do my emotions go up and down? why do i get hurt so easily and get unbalanced so easily? why am i needy and weak? being with the abuser made it worse, but he's gone now, why am i still not okay? why do i still not feel emotionally normal, balanced and stable like everyone else? why am i still searching and searching for something more? what did he do to me to make me this way? and why is it that im not okay yet? what are the answers? what can i do to heal? i dont think anyone else who has gone through abuse would understand it's very nature but i am afraid of triggers. i am afraid that men will abuse me and use me for sex. baggage, so much baggage. i had someone scold me.......he said "everyone has baggage, but we dont push it on others.".....yes.....but u werent abused. it's a different scale and level of escalation when it's abuse, the damage is significantly greater. the scars deeper and more penetrating. my whole psyche affected. why....oh why.... i want to be healthy, emotionally sound, not so weak and hurting and vulnerable any more. i get triggers..im afraid men will - use me for sex - slam doors in my face - hang up the phone on me - yell at me - ignore my phone calls - scream at me - hit me, slap me around - dangle me - take revenge and be vindictive - hurt me on purpose - scold me - mistreat me - jerk me around - neglect me - dismiss me - punish me

12-02-2005, 06:02 AM	#2
Dregnought Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In my body. Gender: Male Age: 19 Posts: 514	Honey, there are alot of a-holes out there. But you do come across those great people who just help, are kind, and are really great people. Just keep trying. True - i dont know whats it is like ot be abused. But dont let them idiots take you down. __________________ -= If you believe in yourself, there is no one stronger =- -= Thank those that help you, they appreciate it alot =- -= Always, feel free to pm me =- Last edited by hubman01; 12-02-2005 at 10:12 AM.

12-02-2005, 07:13 AM	#3
justify_yourlove Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Los Angeles, CA Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 51	Try to see a therapist. It'll be hard for you to try and meet men without getting help since you've been affected so much. Don't feel discouraged because you will feel a lot more comfortable around men later on in life. There may also be workshops around your area who are in similar situations. __________________ Best Wishes, Emily Last edited by justify_yourlove; 12-02-2005 at 07:21 AM.

12-04-2005, 03:53 AM	#6
TAFFY Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 51 Posts: 112	Teacup, I'm in the same boat as you right now. I was sexually, physically, mentally and verbally abused for years. I feel exactly the same way you do. I have started counselling, I've had 1 appointment so far, and my next one is on Monday. I guess we have to start ourselves on the road to healing before we can even think about a decent relationship. I can't stand to be touched, I am afraid all of the time, and I have very bad anxiety and panic attacks. I'm also depressed. All of this is a direct result of these unresolved issues from my past. I'm 47 now, and all of this happened to me from the age of 8 or 9, to 11yrs. So I've carried this evil baggage around with me for 36 yrs, and it's really affected me. I froze up when I was intimate with my ex, who physically abused me, I never had an orgasm, I am terrified and cannot go to a gynecologist, I startle very easily and feel that I am also weak and powerless. If you're not in counselling now, please think about it. They tell me it will help me, so go for it. __________________ Taffy

12-05-2005, 09:08 AM	#9
TAFFY Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: USA Gender: Female Age: 51 Posts: 112	Neglected, verbally and emotionally abused: wouldn't having a flashback during sex also have the same effect on the man as witholding sex because of fear? I would think that would be worse for the man, because he is all ready to get busy, and then his partner gets a flashback and curls in on herself. That happened to me the first time I had sex, and my ex was not too thrilled, because he was already inside me. __________________ Taffy

12-02-2005, 10:43 AM	#4
sweetheart230 Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Age: 24 Posts: 359	Hi, teacup. I've read a few of your other posts, and you sound a lot like I did-- and still do a lot of the times. I was with an emotionally abusive guy for a year and a half. He did and said awful things to me and then convinced me that it was my fault because I was ugly, or crazy or stupid. I struggle with the same things sometimes. Even though he's gone, I still sometimes believe all his lies about how I'm not good enough. I've learned that all the men in my life who treated me poorly were attracted to me for a reason: they needed someone to step all over and dominate to make themselves feel better. Subconsciously, I had low self esteem, so I accepted this treatment because I felt I deserved it. That is how most abused women begin to feel. But, now, I know I have to change the inside of me. I have to learn to love myself even if I'm not perfect and believe that a man will love everything about me-- and if he doesn't then I have to have the strength to move on. I've struggled with the same things you are. I felt needy and pathetic and desperate and unbearably emotional where I would cry constantly. I still feel that way sometimes. I am terrified that a guy will feel the same way about me that my ex did (and do the same things). Its tough out there. The healing process started for me (and is still in its beginning stages to be honest) when I realized that the only reason men did what they did to me was because I ALLOWED IT. You will realize, when you start to heal on the inside and love yourself that when you do not have self-esteem issues you will not attract these stupid jerks-- and even if you do you will walk away before you get obsessed with them. A lot of your neediness tends to probably stem from the fact that you feel you need a man to be happy. Once you learn that you don't...and learn that happiness is well within your grasp when you are single, that neediness will fade quickly and you'll find you make better choices regarding men...and the ones you choose wouldn't dream of hurting you in those ways you mentioned. Also, if your school as a counseling department, you might want to look into that as well...if for no other reason, its good to talk to someone sometimes.

12-02-2005, 09:02 PM	#5
Gracelove Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 1,444	I was feeling really bad recently as well. I went to see a counselor and it really helped. Sometimes you just need someone to talk to. I think I'm starting to realize that is necessary to greive. It's difficult to face after you've been avoiding it for so long. I am sad, but I don't want to be. I don't like to think about things that are unpleasant. Are you this way? I avoid being around people sometimes because I don't want them to sense that I am sad. I just never wanted to be a sad, depressed person that others didn't want to be around. The truth is that after you hang out with people for a while, it really cheers you up, because chances are, you are lonely. My mom came to visit me recently. I was sad about my life, and started crying. We talked about some things. She wanted to meet one of my good friends (who is a lot like me). I ran to the bathroom you apply mascara and lip gloss because I wanted it to distract from the fact that I had been crying. My mom told me to not do that, she was like, so what if they see you've been crying. If they ask say, "ya, I've been crying" and let it be. I'm been so ashamed of all my emotions, all of the ones besides happiness. You have to grieve. I know you want the pain to end, that you are tired of it all. Although I hate it as well, we have to force ourselves to grieve out of necessity. If you don't grieve Teacup, how are you going to move on???? Just think of greiving as getting all the bad out so that there will be more room for the good. If you only let a little bit of the pain out at a time then it will take longer to get rid of. If everytime you begin to grieve, you force yourself to stop, then how will things get better? Girl, I know it can be sooooo painful. And at times the pain can be so overwhelming that you don't know what to do with yourself. But it has to come out sometime. Don't be so hard on yourself. You were hurt really badly, for six years. Don't be afraid of crying or ashamed to hurt. It takes time to heal. I know how you feel about guys as well. I'm not really interested in any of them. One guy recently showed interest and the first thing I wanted to do was blow him off. Yesterday my new counselor told me, that I am in control of my actions. A guy can't make me do anything I don't want to do. And the same is true for you. After letting a man control you, you feel like men have this special power. A power to control you, harm you, damage you, at the snap of their fingers. But we are strong too. We have power. You had enough power to get out of that relationship with the abuser. Remember that. You have power over yourself, you got out. Take a chance. I know it's so hard. You don't have to be a in a relationship with a guy. You don't have to kiss a guy if you don't want to. If a guy starts acting crazy you can leave. So if someone wants to be your friend or get to know you, and it's a guy....remind yourself that you are in charge, and maybe it won't be so bad. P.S. I called that guy, so I'm attemping to take the steps I'm encouraging you to take. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. You are probably in the habit of taking on other people's problems. You are afraid to offend people, not comfortable being yourself because you're afraid you will be rejected. We are human, ya know. Other people are human as well. And just like you enjoy the company of others, they will enjoy your company as well (even if you are feeling sad). It's all a process. I wasn't getting out much either. But now I'm telling myself that I'm going to visit and call those people I know. I'm not going to be afraid that I'm "bothering" them. I'm not going to look at myself that way. Because the fact is that there are people who need you in their lives Teacup. People need you just as much as you need them. People struggle together and help each other. And no matter how much we'd like to hold our head high and always "be okay", we are not perfect. And no one can do it alone. No one can make it through this life alone. And when we isolate ourselves, that is what we are attempting to do. Start small. You don't have to go to parties. You can see a counselor, or stop by a neighbors house. You just need at least one person you can share you thoughts and feelings with, or just a person to be around. Don't worry about men abusing you anymore. You don't have to be bothered with any men until you are ready. Let yourself heal, and enjoy the company of others in the meantime. Friendly people make life easier. Do you have a journal? Writing can really be helpful. By the way: *Despite the fact that you feel broken, you still have a light within.* So let your light shine.

12-04-2005, 06:26 AM	#7
uilanigirl Offline Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: hawaii Gender: Female Posts: 1	"needy and pathetic and desperate and unbearably emotional where I would cry constantly" This describes me for the last 12 months of my life that I spent with a man who abused me (verbally, mentally, emotionally, physically), cheated on me and made me feel worthless. After reading all of the above posts, I must say that I definitely agree that 1) you must get really and truly sick and tired of being scared/needy/depressed/desperate and then 2) make a conscious choice to NOT see or contact the guy in any way, shape or form, and then 3) also make a choice to give yourself a period of time that you will mourn, grieve, sort things out and NOT date or even attempt to meet men. period. This is giving yourself the time you need and deserve to take care of you. You deserve it, teacup..and I deserve it..because we are human and we deserve to be loved tenderly and kindly. Give yourself that time and space and get around real friends and family who you know care about you. Hang in there..you can do it.

12-05-2005, 07:57 AM	#8
Neglected, Verbally & Emotionally Abused Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Boise, Idaho Gender: Male Age: 46 Posts: 10	what you fear is what you make come to pass. Focus on positive goals and take positive actions. I notice that being used for sex kind of stands apart from the rest of your fears. If you ever have held back sex even though you want it too, it will come across as a mixed message to men. Some will just move on. Some get abusive. Don't hold back because of fear or when the man leaves you this will convince you he used you.

06-05-2008, 04:22 AM	#10
tedesca80 Offline Join Date: Jun 2008 Posts: 1	hey there I have recently broken up with a guy who seemed to have histrionic personally disorder. I was feeling the way you did while I was around him. He kind of brought back real bad memories and fears really fast. then why was I with him?? well, cause it was the first guy I actually liked in a long time and I somehow felt if I could be comfortable around him then I would be comfortable at all times if you know what I mean. unfortunately it didnt work that way so I had to break up... I still have memories of him hanging around my head and the good part is cause he brought up all those messed up fears, I decided to go to therapy. Im now trying to figure out my fears of men and all the emotional baggage. I think you should do the same too.. otherwise its really hard to have a healty relationship and also you want to be emotionally healhty when that special someone comes along...