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  1. #1
    Member Universe's Avatar
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    GF wants dominant/submissive sex

    I think my girlfriend wants our sex life to take on a more dominant-submissive type dynamic. She seems to want me to dominate her more (both in and out of the bedroom). She hinted at this for a long time. We discussed it openly on many occasions. But I think we're both confused as to how we want this to play out physically.
    I'm a fervent male feminist and believe strongly in equality in relationships. I'm very moody and can have a split personality (somewhat bipolar). In groups, I am often the leader and very dominant. But in one on one relationships, I am often submissive to the other person's energy.

    In the beginning of our relationship, she was very dominant sexually. For the first years of our relationship, I became so blinded by my love for her and became so symbiotic with her that my personality lost all of its weight. She also stopped being dominant. We eventually broke up before I realized what was happening to me. So I went to work on my self-esteem and recovering my personality.
    We gradually started dating again after six months apart. I've been more dominant, but it's still pretty even. I mean - I'm not letting her energy dominate me. But I'm not really dominating her.
    I know you might say that I should accept my submissive tendencies. But the truth it that I really don't like the person I am when I'm submissive.

    Our sex has been really good since we've got back together. And some of the dom-sub stuff is starting to mildly manifest. Like - I spank her during sex and have recently started pulling her hair. We both really like it a lot and have talked about it. We probably had the best sex of both of our lives last week. It was like fantasy sex for me.

    Last night we made a sex date and she casually alluded to my having sadist tendencies. Later, we started to have sex, but it started to become more "normal" and she quickly lost interest. I wanted to get more into the sado-masochist thing, but I feel very much in the dark about it.

    It's really appealing to me. But I can't seem to find much info on it. Everything I look up on the topic involves bondage and male-submissives. I don't really know how to go about this. I want to give her what she needs and I find the idea of dominating her in bed very sexy. But I'm afraid of taking it too far. She's very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her. The spanking and hair pulling obviously inflicts a level of pain on her. So where do you draw the line? And how do you take the domination to a more psychological level?

    Over the years, my she's displayed some masochistic tendancies. For example, on some occasions she's become so frustrated and angry that she punches herself really hard. She grew up with an abusive older brother and I wonder how much of her masochism comes from that. So I wonder if it's healthy to indulge these tendencies in her. I'm very much in love with her and do not want to jeopardize the health of our relationship.

    Can anyone help?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Day_Walker's Avatar
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    I think you two need to go to the local naughty shop and have an interesting time buying some things that both of you will enjoy in the bedroom. This way you get a sense of what she is into and you dont have to push her boundaries and end up hurting her.
    "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it the superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason." Thomas Paine

    "The wise man questions others wisdom because he questions his own, the foolish man because it is different from his own." Leo Stein

  3. #3
    Platinum Member RayKay's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Universe

    It's really appealing to me. But I can't seem to find much info on it. Everything I look up on the topic involves bondage and male-submissives. I don't really know how to go about this. I want to give her what she needs and I find the idea of dominating her in bed very sexy. But I'm afraid of taking it too far. She's very sensitive and I don't want to hurt her. The spanking and hair pulling obviously inflicts a level of pain on her. So where do you draw the line? And how do you take the domination to a more psychological level?

    Over the years, my she's displayed some masochistic tendancies. For example, on some occasions she's become so frustrated and angry that she punches herself really hard. She grew up with an abusive older brother and I wonder how much of her masochism comes from that. So I wonder if it's healthy to indulge these tendencies in her. I'm very much in love with her and do not want to jeopardize the health of our relationship.

    Can anyone help?
    I think if you researched into some BDSM, you would find loads of information. Ultimately though, these are things you need to also discuss with your girlfriend. And not generally, but specifically!

    Experiement and have fun. When you are first starting, go slowly, so that she has a change to decide she is not into it. Read erotic literature to one another, the kind that may involve such fetishes to see what the reaction is, and discuss whether you want to try it. Or watch porn together. My guess is that she wants bondage to be included as part of the play as well, if she is restrained (safely, do not pinch or cut circulation) then pulling her hair has a whole other dimension. Go to sex toy stores together and discuss what you like, what piques your interest.

    Develop a safety word, one that cannnot be confused with normal sex talk...like "blue jello" which means it is time to stop.

    The funny thing about some pain during arousal, if it arouses you that is, is that it does not FEEL like pain really, it's more of an enhancement of the pleasure itself. It has to do with her endorphins and hormones, but the spanking and hair pulling are things that accentuate her pleasurable feelings pyschologically and physically.

    Pyschologically, well that's something for the BDSM research - I am sure Shes2Smart can jump in on this one! I know she lives a BDSM lifestyle that goes BEYOND the bedroom into the pyschological as well, which I do not have experience with. In the bedroom for me though that aspect would be about the way you act, or talk, or make moves, and so forth.

    As for the latter part, it CAN be based on these "tendencies", but not necessarily. I have never been abused in this way, but I love some light bondage and domination/submission play in my sex life, not all the time, but regularly. It's a turn on, and independent of the "masochistic tendencies". Sure some will like it for that, but it's not a necessity.

    If approached correctly - with lots of communication, and a mutual willingness, and understanding, and sense of fun and play, it should ENHANCE, not jeopardize your relationship. It should be another component of experimenting with one another.
    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT]
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    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I]


    [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

  4. #4
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    well

    Get dirty, really really really dirty

  5. #5
    Super Moderator BellaDonna's Avatar
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    There's nothing wrong with experimenting with this. I can tell you first hand- I am a very strong person, have a lot of power in different areas of my life- and sometimes I totally love when my husband can just take control in the bedroom and let me be "submissive". It's therapeutic and a turn-on. We switch roles now and then depending on our moods. It keeps things quite interesting- which is especially important in a long term relationship when you need to spice things up. I've always enjoyed the sensation of hair pulling- not harsh pulling- but tugging- almost the way it feels when someone braids your hair. I like when he puts a tight grip on my hair. It's releases tension somehow. It feels very passionate and I don't think it's at all strange. (Maybe I'm biased )


    Over the years, my she's displayed some masochistic tendancies. For example, on some occasions she's become so frustrated and angry that she punches herself really hard. She grew up with an abusive older brother and I wonder how much of her masochism comes from that. So I wonder if it's healthy to indulge these tendencies in her. I'm very much in love with her and do not want to jeopardize the health of our relationship.
    This is the part that concerns me. I think you are smart for proceeding with caution. The part about punching herself is troubeling. There could be some deep-rooted reasons for this. I think you'll be fine if you just stick to light domination and be sure to keep communication completely open about this at all times.

    BellaDonna

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    Take it, take it in your hands



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  6. #6
    Member Universe's Avatar
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    I think I just don't really understand how a D/s dynamic works. I was reading that novice Dominates often confuse being dominant with being controlling. But I don't understand the difference.
    I also don't know how to transition from our standard mode of romance into D/s. Do I get forceful with her (within limits)? Do I start talking down to her?
    And what's the difference between a submissive and a masochist? dominant and sadist? She has said she has masochistic tendencies. But I identify more with the term "dominant" than "sadist".

  7. 11-30-2005, 07:18 PM
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    this was supposed to be put under the boyfriend fetsih post, sorry

  8. #7
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    A dominant/submissive relationship is not so much about the actions that you do, it is about the feelings involved. I think masochistic and sadist put the focus on the physical aspect, whereas dominant and submissive put the focus on the emotional aspect.

    Masochism - the condition in which sexual gratification depends on suffering, physical pain, and humilation, esp. inflicted by oneself

    Dominant - ruling, controling, exerting authority or influence.

    Sadism - sexual gatification gained through causing physical pain or humilation.

    Submissive - inclined or ready to submit, unresistantly or humbly obedient.

    You have valid concerns in not wanting to hurt her, that is not who you are. You do love her and the thought of something that could physically harm her scares you because you don't want to be that kind of guy who would do something like that. To you, its about the feeling of control, the emotion behind it. You fall into wanting to submit yourself to her, do as she wants. Actually, the fact that you are trying to learn what she wants and change yourself to match it is kind of submissive right there. You want sex to be her way.

    On other hand, she the idea of physically being hurt applies to her. I personally can understand a need to be dominanted, but I think that masochism may be too much. Like you I could never physically harm someone, even if I know that turns them on. But I also worry that she goes to far. She has demonstrated inflicted pain upon herself before. I worry that she may even hurt herself or if you got involved in that more physically controlling relationship, she may try to push things to far. If she did get hurt, it would probably scare you and make you less likely to want to try it those things again.

    Talk with her about your concerns. I think that what might appeal to both of you is to have a dominant/submissive relationship, but one that is more about the sensations and feelings then it is about the actually actions. Create identities for yourselves. Let her adopt the demeanour of a subservient girl who desires to please you while you take on the role of her loving master. Get into her head, make it cerebral and psycological. Make the actions not so much about what is pysically being down, but about the act of her being submissive to you. It's about her giving herself over to you, wanting to please you in any way she can. And its about you using her for your own pleasure. But don't lose that concern you have for her safety, that is what is going to keep this safe.

    Also remember, you can try this, you can try to adopt this attitude. But if its not you then it isn't you. You shouldn't try to change yourself or force you to be something you are not. If you really can't get into what she wants, then thats fine. If the love you two have is strong and you are meant to be together, this won't ruin things. It may be an issue, but it won't be the end all be all of things. However, if you can't reach an understanding, then this relationship isn't meant to be. I think sex is a silly reason to end a relationship, but if this is going to be so big a deal for her, and its just not something you can do, then its better to end the relationship. You are trying to become what she wants you to be sexually, you are making the effort. She should appreciate that and work with you, not be expecting you to change and be unaccepting if you have problems or issues with it.

    As for the whole desire for dominance or submission - its all an escape. It's an attempt to, for a little while, be someone we are not. It's a mental state. We choose to get away from how we normally are. We take our frustrations from everyday life, and role it up into this one area. For the dominant side they unleash it in a grab for power and control. For the submissive side, they stop worring and give in, submit themselves to being overwhelmed.

    Personally, don't think it can compare to something sweet, passionate, and romantic. Dominance, submission..... its not as enjoyable when one is being placed above the other. Instead, the best experience comes from two people being equal, becoming one.
    The ShySoul has recently been on a mission to share a banner of love, respect, compassion, honesty, and selfless giving with one another. If you believe in these things as well, please make them a part of your everyday lives.

    The soul never dies. We all have a strength within us that no force can deny. Speak up for what is right and never let anyone silence you.

  9. #8
    Member Universe's Avatar
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    Thanks for the the advice. It really helps.

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