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Husband Walked Out


brokenwings75

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Everything seemed perfectly normal in our relationship. We "discussed" more than we argued, we usually got everything out of our system and worked honestly toward compromises. I thought we had a good relationship and a happy marriage. My husband went on a mini-vacation to visit friends on his own. The day he came back, he told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he didn't love me anymore and hasn't loved me for all the years we've been together, even before we married. It just doesn't add up. He is not good at hiding his emotions, but now he is expecting me to believe that he was hiding them all this time. I asked if we could do something about it, but he said that he was in love with another girl in another state and that he was moving in with her as soon as we could sell the house and divide up our possessions. My head is spinning. I have been racking my brain trying to see if maybe I was in denial about our relationship, but there's really nothing there. We were honestly and truly happy with each other. Of course, we had our minor issues, but it was nothing either of us ever felt we couldn't work on. Now my husband, who has moved out, won't speak to me other than to ask when we can start dividing property and selling the house. I don't want to be separated and I certainly don't want a divorce. I don't like that he's going out of town to visit his new girlfriend every weekend. I can't understand the choices he's making because he won't tell me anything. He won't even look at me when he's talking to me. I don't know how to deal with it because it's all a major shock and it all seems so suddenly out of nowhere. Plus it hurts even more because he's being especially mean and nasty to me and saying hurtful things to try to distance himself from me, and that's just not like him. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this. I appreciate any advice.

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I know exactly where you are coming from. You are in a very bad spot, because you don't see any reason why the two of you can't work things out, and he's got his mind made up to split.

 

At least he didn't lead you on with wishy-washy indecision while you suffered wondering if he would make up his mind to stay or go. I went through that - it takes years off your life.

 

If what you're saying is accurate, you are right, it doesn't add up. It may never, ever make sense and you have been horribly hurt. I wish I could say there's a way to change people. Only God can change people. Since you cannot change him, you are left with the sad and very difficult task of moving on - getting on with your life.

 

I will pray for you.

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Sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar boat, but without the third party.

 

Trying to understand the reasons he left can drive you crazy. Ultimately what does it matter except he wants out? You have a few months of struggle to deal with. You'll be feeling really bad for a few months, so focus on yourself and your needs.

 

Since this was all his idea, don't worry about a quick division of assets for his convenience. There's no need to be nasty, but you've got the burden of recovering from a huge loss and he should know this. Hasty decisions and extra stress aren't what either of you need. Like it or not, you both have to work through this period, and fighting will only increase the pain for you both. A little cooling off before forming a simple plan will serve you both.

 

Right now you need time to grieve. I wish there wre a shortcut but you just need to be with friends or a gallon of ice cream for a while. It took me 3 months to be close to my old self, but the first two were exhaustingly emotional.

 

This forum can be a great tool in your recovery, and gives you a place to vent without driving your friends and family nuts. It's helped me.

 

BTW it's not surprising his guilt and shame won't let him look you in the eye. That's his burden, and he probably underestimated the size of it.

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I am so sorry this happened to you I have been through a similar experience myself. At this point I am going to be frank with you.

 

First of all, I HIGHLY doubt your husband went on this mini vacation by himself. I would bet that she was there and this was the time that was chosen to tell you after he returned.

 

Your husband's rotten attitude towards you is to help in his mind justify his actions. The more he treats you this way, the more it makes it easier in his mind because deep down he knows you don't deserve to be treated rotten. If he is nice though, it may get your hopes up and even though you aren't, right now you are the bad guy. You are who has kept him from happiness blah, blah, blah. Whatever he says rotten to you do not believe it as hard as it is going to be. He may try to break you to look weak and clingy so that again it will justify what he is doing. He may even say, "See? Look how you act." Etc....

 

You aren't going to understand this because you haven't had a chance to understand this because you just found out. You have a lot of things to adjust to and I would suggest you get yourself into counseling immediately, and I stress immediately. Your emotions are going to be like a roller coaster and more than likely so are his.

 

And lastly, and sadly, this didn't just come out of no where. More than likely the signs have been there and you just didn't or refused to see them. You may have played off "odd" things or justified in your mind why he did this or that etc.... Sometimes we don't see the things that are right there because we don't want to see them because we trust the person we love.

 

Again, I am so sorry about all of this It is one of the hardest things to go through.

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Broken,

Sorry this happened to you.

 

First, get your support group - family and friends. Then, see a lawyer. Getting an attorney is very important right now, because you will be undergoing a legal process which will decide the fate of your money, children (if under 18, and other things.

 

Next, get away from him now if you can. Kick him out, or leave the house. No need for you to face the hostile environment he's dealing you, especially since you're not the one who deceived him. Him saying that he "never loved you" and all that other crap is a lie. He did love you, he's trying to justify his actions (to himself) so that he can feel better about leaving you. Don't let all that get into your head - he's probably lying. I'm sorry he betrayed you and that you have to go through this. You will make it through though - I've seen many people make it through this, although it's by no means easy. Take care of yourself, and stand up.

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Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. There is no justification for his action. Claiming he never loved in the first place... That just bunch of bull. You have every right to be upset and disappointed but from what you have mentioned, it was totally out of blue.

 

You never expect someone who you loved all along come back from a weekened trip and confesses to not loving you. I believe he is just saying all these stuff so he can justify his betrayal. As a matter of fact, I consider him a cheater. Look, maybe you guys had good times together but obviously he doesn't desire to continue with this relationship. As hard as it may sounds, he wants out so the best action at this point is to get away from him, making sure you go through all the proper legal process and get whatever you are legally entitle to, then have some time for yourself. Pick a hobby, visit the family and friends.

 

It's is TOO much for you at this point, understandably so. But you can't let him bring you down. Be honest to yourself and know that this marriage wouldn't go anywhere because one party doesn't wish to work on it. Maybe the signs were there or he cleverly hid his emotions from you. Either way his action is utterly sleazy and dishonest. Be strong because at the end it'll be you. You'll find someone else to love and respect you.

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Thanks everyone for your support!

 

I know he wasn't on this vacation alone. I know he was with her. (By alone I meant without me.) But I know that this is the first time he's had any significant opportunity to be with her. From what I understand, she just broke up with her boyfriend, so I guess he finally saw his opportunity. He said that he'd made up his mind to leave me before he went to see her, but his actions both before and after he went won't support that.

 

I am a very realistic person, so I think if there were things that would make it make more sense that he was unhappy, I would be able to see them now. He's the kind of person who's always worn his emotions on his sleeve and he's never been good at hiding them, good or bad. I would think that I could now look at a weird moment and say, "Yeah, maybe that was a sign that he was closing down." But we seemed to be more and more on the same page in life lately and he talked like he was ready to take the family step sooner than I expected he would. To hear him talk about us, he seemed to feel that our relationship was better than ever and that we were doing well. Maybe there are a lot of things there and I'm still not seeing them, but I would rather face the facts than deny them. If I felt like we did have a bad marriage, I think it would be easier to deal with than feeling like everything was good and all of a sudden he just wants out.

 

The "odd" things that were there were supportive of our relationship and our moving forward together, not pulling apart. He hadn't been distant or withdrawn. He initiated conversations about starting a family or future plans, as usual. I've been looking back in my mind to see if there are signs that I missed, but I can't find anything to make sense. Maybe some day I will. Or maybe it will never make sense. I don't know.

 

I know he's being the way he is to distance himself from me and to justify his actions. In fact, I know that this whole situation has nothing to do with me. He made the decision on his own and he won't be happy until he does what he feels he needs to do. It doesn't make it any easier for me to know that, though. I have been nice and respectful of him and his wishes, which is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I know that is part of the reason his dealings with me get more and more mean. I think it would all be easier if I were just mean to him back and then that would justify everything for him.

 

I can tell from the things that he's been willing to talk to me about that he hasn't thought this through and he's being very impulsive and rushed about it. I don't want to give up my marriage without even working on it, but I can't wait around for him to wise up, either. And because I still don't think this situation is worth giving up the ten years we've spent together, I don't know how to just let it play out. I'm not going to try to change him. I know he's made up his mind and it is what it is. I can't do anything for him at this point. I know I can only take care of myself.

 

The hard part is that he got to talk to all of his friends and family first, so they've all bought into his sob story about how he never loved me and they don't want to hear my side of it. I know nobody wants to be in the middle or choose sides, but they are choosing sides when they won't talk to me about any of it. It's frustrating that everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce. I end up feeling like he's taken my entire life and family and friends away from me and he's getting away scot-free. I am feeling like I'm the one hurting and he's just happy looking forward to his new life.

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You've certainly got an intelligent viewpoint to lean on. Your posts are surprisingly level-headed for someone in this crisis, giving me the impression you can handle the future quite well.

 

He's not getting away scot-free because he knows what he's doing to a good woman. He'll always know he let you down no matter how he paints it.

 

As corny as it sounds, you do deserve better.

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You seem very levelheaded about all of this brokenwings. I am glad to hear that you are focusing on keeping yourself healthy during all of this. It is not fair that he talked to everyone, but please keep in mind that they know you and love you too and someday the truth will come out about how he made himself look like the victim. You don't mention his age, is it possible he is going through a midlife crisis?

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I can tell from the things that he's been willing to talk to me about that he hasn't thought this through and he's being very impulsive and rushed about it. I don't want to give up my marriage without even working on it, but I can't wait around for him to wise up, either. And because I still don't think this situation is worth giving up the ten years we've spent together, I don't know how to just let it play out. I'm not going to try to change him. I know he's made up his mind and it is what it is. I can't do anything for him at this point. I know I can only take care of myself.

 

Yes. This is a time to take care of yourself. Get counseling for yourself. Get with your own friends and family. Get support for yourself. It's a hard time, but it will get better.

 

The hard part is that he got to talk to all of his friends and family first, so they've all bought into his sob story about how he never loved me and they don't want to hear my side of it. I know nobody wants to be in the middle or choose sides, but they are choosing sides when they won't talk to me about any of it. It's frustrating that everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce. I end up feeling like he's taken my entire life and family and friends away from me and he's getting away scot-free. I am feeling like I'm the one hurting and he's just happy looking forward to his new life.

 

Don't think about his family and friends. Same thing happened in my divorce ... a lot of awkwardness (and it remains that way to this day) because yes they get your spouse's version of events and, when push comes to shove, they will usually support their family member at the end of the day, and not you. But ... that's what your own family and friends are for. Reach out to them, tell them your story, get their support.

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I started counseling today, so hopefully that will help.

 

He just turned 30 this year and didn't seem to have an easy time dealing with that at first. I think it was probably the real start of his life crisis.

 

I appreciate all the support. My new therapist said that I was being very calm and level-headed about everything considering the abruptness of it all. I think I can keep it up, but it's really hard. He was my best friend and I miss having that. I wake up every day expecting him to be there and it's a harsh realization when I remember that he's not going to be there.

 

My friends and family don't understand why I'm not more angry with him or why I'm not sobbing in front of them, but I just can't do that. I need to be strong for myself. I can cry all I want to when I'm alone, but crying isn't going to change anything, so it's pointless for me to feel miserable all the time. And I can't just stop loving him the way he supposedly stopped loving me. I guess I'll have to do through that anger stage eventually, but I'm not there. I just don't feel like I can bother with being angry about it.

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I am so happy to hear you are in counseling!

 

Sometimes others expect people to react in a "cookie cutter" way, but how people handle things are different from person to person. You do what you have to do to get yourself better and heal as long as it is not self inflicting.

 

Maybe hitting 30 did hit some cord right now and he may be going through something. BUT no matter what he is going through he has turned your life upside down and as you said right now you have to focus on yourself. Although it is so hard to know what runs through people's heads, he may himself be confused and say things he doesn't mean. I would hope he is not expecting you to not love him anymore just because he says he doesn't love you. Nobody is that good at charades if indeed things seemed better than ever and no major problems as you say.

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Broken,

 

I was wondering how you were. Glad to hear you're seeing a counselor. Even if at times they tell you what you already know, it helps to get positive reinforcement.

 

You might not ever get really angry with your ex.

 

I made it through 3.5 months after being dumped without going into a hateful rage at my ex. I couldn't even muster an unkind thought. It also serves no purpose to start hating someone after years of affection, and only distracts from the real issues confronting you.

 

You'll have bad days and good days ahead. Spoil yourself. Eat well and get outside to smell the roses when you can.

You deserve the best.

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This board is certainly helping. It feels better to just get it out there and hear some positive things from people who know what I'm going through. I think none of my friends and family can truly understand because they haven't been through something like this.

 

I think the worst part about this is that the timing is horrible. I know, there's never a good time for such a thing, but this all happened only two days before my own 30th birthday and so close to the major holidays. I had a tough time on Thanksgiving, but I'm really looking forward to Christmas and hopefully I'll be able to hold it together on that day.

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You are so right, no one can truly understand unless they have experienced it themselves. The one thing best about this forum outside of the people is that it is here 24/7. Surround yourself during the holidays in what is going to make you the most comfortable whether it is people, family and friends or solitude.

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One of the things that I am finding the most frustrating and the most difficult to deal with is the jealousy. I'm usually not a jealous person - obviously, since I always trusted my husband completely - but it is driving me crazy knowing that this girl is putting all kinds of thoughts into his head and that he's talking to her ALL the time and that he's planning on moving in with her. It's like she has stolen my life from me and that just drives me crazy. I guess it's more that he can temporarily avoid all the pain I'm having to deal with right now because he is focused on her and I can't avoid the pain because I'm alone. I know he can't run away from this forever and that I have to stop thinking about those kinds of things, but it's hard, and that's frustrating.

 

Of course, I know he's not innocent and she couldn't put any thoughts into his head if he didn't let her, but I don't think that's a sign that he's been unhappy or dissatisfied with our relationship. I think the new attention and new "love" feelings make it easier to question the life you have because you haven't felt that way in a long time. I don't think my husband understands that married love feels different than new love and that you have to work at creating those new love feelings when you've been married a long time. I don't think he's innocent, but from his past actions, I don't think he was out looking for it either. I think he's living in the "if it feels good" moment right now and will have to learn a painful lesson someday very soon. But it still aggravates me that she's carrying on with my husband as if it's okay. How does she expect anyone to have any respect for her knowing what she's done? How little self respect must she have to be willing to destroy a marriage to fulfill her own needs?

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One thing BrokenWings is although it is important to try to remain rational, it is also important to realize you are going to be flooded with emotions and they will be like a rollercoaster. Again, as I said before people react differently and it is o.k., but also realize too that when emotions do show their ugly heads it is important to recognize them, not shove them within yourself. It is o.k. to be jealous. It is o.k. to feel pain. You don't need to feel you have to carry the burden of this pain all by yourself and on your shoulders.

 

You hit it right on the head about how they feel, at least how my ex was. He had this young girl who wanted him and neither of them cared about the pain and the agony I was going through and trying to still be a mother to our two young boys.

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100% true Dako! Not to get off brokenwings post, but as an example both my ex and his gf have cheated on each other. My ex found out about her cheating, but he has lied to her and denied to her that he cheated. I actually feel bad for her....I tried warning her when I found out about their affair, but she wouldn't listen. Now some 3 years later, she is in the same position I was. Carma.

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brokenwings -

 

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how much it hurts. One thing that I found was that as much as you want to make sense of it and understand what happened, you will never find a logical explaination because it doesn't exist.

 

Once they cheat they have to find a way to justify their actions to protect their own self image. That's when they start getting mean and you start hearing stories about a marriage that sounds nothing like the one you were in with them. Please don't try to make sense of it, you will drive yourself nuts.

 

Eventually you will get angry, reading your posts you are approaching that stage. You will need to pass through that stage to accept that he was weak and selfish and that you don't have to wonder about your part in it. He's made a mess of his life and I don't believe for a second that his new relationship will last or even makes him happy.

 

The question will be do you really want to wait around for him to come to his senses or do you want to move on and find someone stronger that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated? You've got my respect either way. It takes a really strong person to keep a marriage together after what you have gone through, but I hope you move on and find someone that is truly devoted to you and spoils you rotten.

 

Good luck.

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I talked to him this weekend and it was good and not good. He was mean and nasty, I was calm and rational. I wished him good luck on being able to trust his girlfriend, on getting his family to ever forget that they think she's the "homewrecker," blah blah blah. Said a lot of things I needed to say to him. Not enough, but what he would let me say. I can tell he's twisted in his head trying to find ways to justify everything, so I'm feeling a little better right now. I just want him to go and be with his girlfriend so he can start moving toward the point where things start to clear up in his head and he starts to realize where he went wrong. I just don't want to deal with his hatred for me anymore. I know I'd have an easier time dealing with all of this if he was just somewhere else for a while. I'm feeling good about my future prospects and life, so there's nothing to complain about there. Of course I miss him and love him and want him back, but I don't want to waste any of the time I have during this happy season worrying about things I can't control and haven't been given an opportunity to address. It's just not worth it for me.

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Brokenwing,

I'm very impressed by the way you're dealing with this. You must be a really remarkable person to be so clear-headed. Very few people would have the maturity to handle this so rationally.

Even though it will be emotionally draining, you're going to do well.

 

Your husband must've lost his mind.

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