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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Husband Walked Out

    Everything seemed perfectly normal in our relationship. We "discussed" more than we argued, we usually got everything out of our system and worked honestly toward compromises. I thought we had a good relationship and a happy marriage. My husband went on a mini-vacation to visit friends on his own. The day he came back, he told me that he wanted a divorce. He told me that he didn't love me anymore and hasn't loved me for all the years we've been together, even before we married. It just doesn't add up. He is not good at hiding his emotions, but now he is expecting me to believe that he was hiding them all this time. I asked if we could do something about it, but he said that he was in love with another girl in another state and that he was moving in with her as soon as we could sell the house and divide up our possessions. My head is spinning. I have been racking my brain trying to see if maybe I was in denial about our relationship, but there's really nothing there. We were honestly and truly happy with each other. Of course, we had our minor issues, but it was nothing either of us ever felt we couldn't work on. Now my husband, who has moved out, won't speak to me other than to ask when we can start dividing property and selling the house. I don't want to be separated and I certainly don't want a divorce. I don't like that he's going out of town to visit his new girlfriend every weekend. I can't understand the choices he's making because he won't tell me anything. He won't even look at me when he's talking to me. I don't know how to deal with it because it's all a major shock and it all seems so suddenly out of nowhere. Plus it hurts even more because he's being especially mean and nasty to me and saying hurtful things to try to distance himself from me, and that's just not like him. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this. I appreciate any advice.

  2. #2
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    I know exactly where you are coming from. You are in a very bad spot, because you don't see any reason why the two of you can't work things out, and he's got his mind made up to split.

    At least he didn't lead you on with wishy-washy indecision while you suffered wondering if he would make up his mind to stay or go. I went through that - it takes years off your life.

    If what you're saying is accurate, you are right, it doesn't add up. It may never, ever make sense and you have been horribly hurt. I wish I could say there's a way to change people. Only God can change people. Since you cannot change him, you are left with the sad and very difficult task of moving on - getting on with your life.

    I will pray for you.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    Sorry you're going through this. I'm in a similar boat, but without the third party.

    Trying to understand the reasons he left can drive you crazy. Ultimately what does it matter except he wants out? You have a few months of struggle to deal with. You'll be feeling really bad for a few months, so focus on yourself and your needs.

    Since this was all his idea, don't worry about a quick division of assets for his convenience. There's no need to be nasty, but you've got the burden of recovering from a huge loss and he should know this. Hasty decisions and extra stress aren't what either of you need. Like it or not, you both have to work through this period, and fighting will only increase the pain for you both. A little cooling off before forming a simple plan will serve you both.

    Right now you need time to grieve. I wish there wre a shortcut but you just need to be with friends or a gallon of ice cream for a while. It took me 3 months to be close to my old self, but the first two were exhaustingly emotional.

    This forum can be a great tool in your recovery, and gives you a place to vent without driving your friends and family nuts. It's helped me.

    BTW it's not surprising his guilt and shame won't let him look you in the eye. That's his burden, and he probably underestimated the size of it.
    Last edited by Dako; 11-30-2005 at 12:45 PM.
    << Vigilance.

  4. #4
    Gold Member WildChild's Avatar
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    I am so sorry this happened to you I have been through a similar experience myself. At this point I am going to be frank with you.

    First of all, I HIGHLY doubt your husband went on this mini vacation by himself. I would bet that she was there and this was the time that was chosen to tell you after he returned.

    Your husband's rotten attitude towards you is to help in his mind justify his actions. The more he treats you this way, the more it makes it easier in his mind because deep down he knows you don't deserve to be treated rotten. If he is nice though, it may get your hopes up and even though you aren't, right now you are the bad guy. You are who has kept him from happiness blah, blah, blah. Whatever he says rotten to you do not believe it as hard as it is going to be. He may try to break you to look weak and clingy so that again it will justify what he is doing. He may even say, "See? Look how you act." Etc....

    You aren't going to understand this because you haven't had a chance to understand this because you just found out. You have a lot of things to adjust to and I would suggest you get yourself into counseling immediately, and I stress immediately. Your emotions are going to be like a roller coaster and more than likely so are his.

    And lastly, and sadly, this didn't just come out of no where. More than likely the signs have been there and you just didn't or refused to see them. You may have played off "odd" things or justified in your mind why he did this or that etc.... Sometimes we don't see the things that are right there because we don't want to see them because we trust the person we love.

    Again, I am so sorry about all of this It is one of the hardest things to go through.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member chai714's Avatar
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    Broken,
    Sorry this happened to you.

    First, get your support group - family and friends. Then, see a lawyer. Getting an attorney is very important right now, because you will be undergoing a legal process which will decide the fate of your money, children (if under 18, and other things.

    Next, get away from him now if you can. Kick him out, or leave the house. No need for you to face the hostile environment he's dealing you, especially since you're not the one who deceived him. Him saying that he "never loved you" and all that other crap is a lie. He did love you, he's trying to justify his actions (to himself) so that he can feel better about leaving you. Don't let all that get into your head - he's probably lying. I'm sorry he betrayed you and that you have to go through this. You will make it through though - I've seen many people make it through this, although it's by no means easy. Take care of yourself, and stand up.
    "Your mind is your greatest weapon." - David J. Lieberman, Ph.D

    "Most every person or situation can be influenced through the power of psychology."

  7. #6
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    Oh man, I'm so sorry to hear that. There is no justification for his action. Claiming he never loved in the first place... That just bunch of bull. You have every right to be upset and disappointed but from what you have mentioned, it was totally out of blue.

    You never expect someone who you loved all along come back from a weekened trip and confesses to not loving you. I believe he is just saying all these stuff so he can justify his betrayal. As a matter of fact, I consider him a cheater. Look, maybe you guys had good times together but obviously he doesn't desire to continue with this relationship. As hard as it may sounds, he wants out so the best action at this point is to get away from him, making sure you go through all the proper legal process and get whatever you are legally entitle to, then have some time for yourself. Pick a hobby, visit the family and friends.

    It's is TOO much for you at this point, understandably so. But you can't let him bring you down. Be honest to yourself and know that this marriage wouldn't go anywhere because one party doesn't wish to work on it. Maybe the signs were there or he cleverly hid his emotions from you. Either way his action is utterly sleazy and dishonest. Be strong because at the end it'll be you. You'll find someone else to love and respect you.

  8. #7
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    Thanks everyone for your support!

    I know he wasn't on this vacation alone. I know he was with her. (By alone I meant without me.) But I know that this is the first time he's had any significant opportunity to be with her. From what I understand, she just broke up with her boyfriend, so I guess he finally saw his opportunity. He said that he'd made up his mind to leave me before he went to see her, but his actions both before and after he went won't support that.

    I am a very realistic person, so I think if there were things that would make it make more sense that he was unhappy, I would be able to see them now. He's the kind of person who's always worn his emotions on his sleeve and he's never been good at hiding them, good or bad. I would think that I could now look at a weird moment and say, "Yeah, maybe that was a sign that he was closing down." But we seemed to be more and more on the same page in life lately and he talked like he was ready to take the family step sooner than I expected he would. To hear him talk about us, he seemed to feel that our relationship was better than ever and that we were doing well. Maybe there are a lot of things there and I'm still not seeing them, but I would rather face the facts than deny them. If I felt like we did have a bad marriage, I think it would be easier to deal with than feeling like everything was good and all of a sudden he just wants out.

    The "odd" things that were there were supportive of our relationship and our moving forward together, not pulling apart. He hadn't been distant or withdrawn. He initiated conversations about starting a family or future plans, as usual. I've been looking back in my mind to see if there are signs that I missed, but I can't find anything to make sense. Maybe some day I will. Or maybe it will never make sense. I don't know.

    I know he's being the way he is to distance himself from me and to justify his actions. In fact, I know that this whole situation has nothing to do with me. He made the decision on his own and he won't be happy until he does what he feels he needs to do. It doesn't make it any easier for me to know that, though. I have been nice and respectful of him and his wishes, which is probably the hardest thing I will ever have to do, but I know that is part of the reason his dealings with me get more and more mean. I think it would all be easier if I were just mean to him back and then that would justify everything for him.

    I can tell from the things that he's been willing to talk to me about that he hasn't thought this through and he's being very impulsive and rushed about it. I don't want to give up my marriage without even working on it, but I can't wait around for him to wise up, either. And because I still don't think this situation is worth giving up the ten years we've spent together, I don't know how to just let it play out. I'm not going to try to change him. I know he's made up his mind and it is what it is. I can't do anything for him at this point. I know I can only take care of myself.

    The hard part is that he got to talk to all of his friends and family first, so they've all bought into his sob story about how he never loved me and they don't want to hear my side of it. I know nobody wants to be in the middle or choose sides, but they are choosing sides when they won't talk to me about any of it. It's frustrating that everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce. I end up feeling like he's taken my entire life and family and friends away from me and he's getting away scot-free. I am feeling like I'm the one hurting and he's just happy looking forward to his new life.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Dako's Avatar
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    You've certainly got an intelligent viewpoint to lean on. Your posts are surprisingly level-headed for someone in this crisis, giving me the impression you can handle the future quite well.

    He's not getting away scot-free because he knows what he's doing to a good woman. He'll always know he let you down no matter how he paints it.

    As corny as it sounds, you do deserve better.
    << Vigilance.

  10. #9
    Gold Member WildChild's Avatar
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    You seem very levelheaded about all of this brokenwings. I am glad to hear that you are focusing on keeping yourself healthy during all of this. It is not fair that he talked to everyone, but please keep in mind that they know you and love you too and someday the truth will come out about how he made himself look like the victim. You don't mention his age, is it possible he is going through a midlife crisis?
    Last edited by WildChild; 12-01-2005 at 11:38 AM.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member novaseeker's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by brokenwings75
    I can tell from the things that he's been willing to talk to me about that he hasn't thought this through and he's being very impulsive and rushed about it. I don't want to give up my marriage without even working on it, but I can't wait around for him to wise up, either. And because I still don't think this situation is worth giving up the ten years we've spent together, I don't know how to just let it play out. I'm not going to try to change him. I know he's made up his mind and it is what it is. I can't do anything for him at this point. I know I can only take care of myself.
    Yes. This is a time to take care of yourself. Get counseling for yourself. Get with your own friends and family. Get support for yourself. It's a hard time, but it will get better.

    The hard part is that he got to talk to all of his friends and family first, so they've all bought into his sob story about how he never loved me and they don't want to hear my side of it. I know nobody wants to be in the middle or choose sides, but they are choosing sides when they won't talk to me about any of it. It's frustrating that everybody wants to be involved in the wedding but nobody wants to be involved in the divorce. I end up feeling like he's taken my entire life and family and friends away from me and he's getting away scot-free. I am feeling like I'm the one hurting and he's just happy looking forward to his new life.
    Don't think about his family and friends. Same thing happened in my divorce ... a lot of awkwardness (and it remains that way to this day) because yes they get your spouse's version of events and, when push comes to shove, they will usually support their family member at the end of the day, and not you. But ... that's what your own family and friends are for. Reach out to them, tell them your story, get their support.

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