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Histrionic Personality Disorder -- Warning


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I recently broke up with someone who suffers from histrionic personality disorder (HPD). Prior to this relationship, I was really not familiar with personality disorders in general, and certainly not this one.

 

What I can tell you is that having a relationship with someone who suffers from this is a very bad idea.

 

I knew he had this ... it's been diagnosed a few years ago, and he shared that with me. At the beginning it just didn't seem to have much of an impact on him, at least I didn't think so. It was clear that he had certain needs for attention and so forth that I didn't have, but I hardly expect everyone to have the same personality type and needs, in any case, so I didn't see it as an issue.

 

Well ... it became a significant issue over the course of a few months time. The thing with histrionics is that they have a nearly desperate need for attention, and often sexualize that need ... in other words, they will often use sex and 'false' intimacy in order to get their needs for attention met. And they are constantly looking for new, fresh sources of attention .. in a word, to "attract" attention.

 

It's ... he was unfaithful. That was bad, but it isn't something that only HPD people do. However, what was surprising was what I was told when I confronted him about this. Things like "Fact is: you're there, I'm here, and I don'l like feeling alone, so I'm going to do what I want and what pleases me" ... and "it's easy for me to forget who I love without a constant reminder" ... to which I replied with the question of why he did this when he knew it would hurt me, and the response was "I just didn't even consider it ....". I told him he had a choice: clean up his act, or it was over, because I couldn't be in a relationship like that ... and he refused to restrict himself in these things and so I dumped him. In the aftermath of that, he admitted that "[he] found comfort in finding 'new intimacy'" .... basically he needed to be unfaithful because if he doesn't find new intimacy his needs aren't being met. Meh!

 

It's not the infidelity that's the thing, it's the underlying issue that leads to it. HPDs don't see what they do as wrong. For example, he told me afterwards that he thinks the concept of monogamy is simply the result of collective social brainwashing ... They know their actions hurt people, but they don't care because they have very little empathy for the feelings of others. In a way, it's like a narcissist in terms of being self-focused, with the difference being that the HPD person needs other people to have their needs met, whereas a narcissist may not. So the HPD person actively seeks out relationship after relationship so that they can have their own needs for attention, affection and approval met, and then constantly move to new sources of attention that they can "attract".

 

If you find yourself starting a relationship with someone who fits the description of HPD, or you know someone who is doing so, do yourself or that person a favor and reconsider. It's almost impossible to make a relationship with an HPD person work unless they go through therapy and change their behavior (and according to clinical studies, the success rate for HPD therapy is low because patients generally do not follow-through on life changes and the personality type is often very ingrained by the time therapy is sought).

 

Just a warning. Do not make the same mistake I made.

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Has he been formally diagnosed with HPD? HPD is quite rare. I have administed the SCID-II which measures personality DOs about to about 100 people and not one of them were HPD. So it can be hard to pinpoint.

 

People with Narrasistic PD on the other hand view their actions as not wrong.

 

If you want, I can PM you all the questions from the SCID-II that assesses HPD and Narasistic PD and see what you think. So sorry about your break-up and what you have been through.

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I'm sorry you had to experience this.

 

HPD is a strange disorder because the person will be so theatrical and seductive- that it might be those qualities that initially ATTRACTED you to them in the first place- but then with time you'll see that everyone gets that intense treatment from them- because they're always seeking attention.

 

One of the most tell-tale signs of this disorder (but not always a present symptom) is a person who is very inappropriatly sexually suggestive with others (whether males or females). There used to be a woman I would see out at bars who hung all over everyone- men- their wives- the bartender. She always wanted to hug people and be excessively affectionate with them, even strangers. She also carried around a nearly nude photo of herself that she would try to show people. I remember thinking- this woman definitely has HPD!

 

It's an uncanny sickeness, and rare (thankfully). You did the right thing by getting out of the relationship.

 

BellaDonna

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Has he been formally diagnosed with HPD? HPD is quite rare. I have administed the SCID-II which measures personality DOs about to about 100 people and not one of them were HPD. So it can be hard to pinpoint.

 

People with Narrasistic PD on the other hand view their actions as not wrong.

 

If you want, I can PM you all the questions from the SCID-II that assesses HPD and Narasistic PD and see what you think. So sorry about your break-up and what you have been through.

 

Thanks. The questions would be helpful for me I'm sure, but yes he has been formally diagnosed as HPD with sycophantic tendencies. He did not hide that from me, to be fair.

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I'm sorry you had to experience this.

 

HPD is a strange disorder because the person will be so theatrical and seductive- that it might be those qualities that initially ATTRACTED you to them in the first place- but then with time you'll see that everyone gets that intense treatment from them- because they're always seeking attention.

 

Thanks, and yes, it was his theatricality -- I misinterpreted it as creativity in a way, and he is very creative as well -- that attracted me initially. It's a fair warning sign.

 

One of the most tell-tale signs of this disorder (but not always a present symptom) is a person who is very inappropriatly sexually suggestive with others (whether males or females).

 

Yes. That came out in this person by his remarkably extensive sexual history. In the bar situation he might not behave like you describe, but at the end of the day, as it eventually came out in the aftermath, the reality is that it seems he has had sex with most all of his friends (men or women), some of their parents, etc. ... I mean a LOT of sex, and it appears none of it is perceived as inappropriate. But yes the sexual red flag is another big one.

 

It's an uncanny sickeness, and rare (thankfully). You did the right thing by getting out of the relationship.

 

Yeah. I feel badly because I know its an illness he has, but at the same time I'm not willing to be a doormat or become codependent, so he had to go. Oddly, while it was still painful, I also have a sense of relief that I don't recall from many of my other breakups in life.

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what are you doing to heal from this?

 

relationships with people with untreated personality disorders are crazy-making, and can be a threat to one's own sanity, and the 'survivors' of these relationships sometimes develop PTSD

 

I know, the thought has crossed my mind as well.

 

For the time being I am feeling okay, but somewhat shellshocked. I am doing the usual post-relationship things: staying active, working out, staying away from the computer to the extent possible, getting with friends and so forth.

 

I initially thought I wanted to remain close to this person as a friend. But I'm now reconsidering that from the perspective of my own mental health. I mean, I'll no longer be his lover, but I'm beginning to think being his friend will be problematic as well if he has HPD. I've been avoiding him for the past few days (easy enough to do because he isn't local) .. sort of like a slow slide into NC ... and I may go to NC.

 

I've also thought about whether I should see my old therapist about this. For the time being I don't feel so shellshocked as to feel the need to do that, but I've considered it.

 

What do you think? Anything else I should be doing/not doing?

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I think that you should focus on you now. It is wise to consider your own mental health right now (because he certainly will not). If you are still in love with him, or if you are feeling at all vulnerable, you may find yourself pulled back into the relationship. NC is probably the best choice for you right now. Be honest with yourself about what contact will lead to for you...will it mostly harm you? If so, then don't communicate with him.

 

The physical distance between the two of you will be helpful. You could change your email address if you are concerned about not being able to resist reading/responding to emails. You could also block your calls if you are concerned about talking with him.

 

I suggest you talk with your therapist if your therapist is familiar with personality disorders. Relationships with people with PDs are not 'normal' and the breakups and healing process can be rather challenging.

 

I think that people generally underestimate the damage a personality disordered person can do to another human being in the context of an intimate relationship. It's sad really, because even when they are getting help/therapy, they can still really mess with a person's head...even if they do not mean to. If your ex lacks concern and/or doesn't take responsibility for his actions, stay away. You cannot have a healthy friendship with someone who doesn't value your well-being...and you are not his therapist, and that role would not be a healthy role for you to have anyway, since you are 'bonded' with him. You cannot possibly be objective with him.

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  • 10 months later...

2 weeks ago I had my final breakup with a woman that I thought was the love of my life. We had been in a relationship for about 2 years, of which the last 14 months have been a major roller coaster.

 

The relationship was fraught with disaster from the beginning. I worked with this person and had always found her attractive, and there was flirting and a friendship, however, she was married, so I stayed at a distance. She came to me one day at work and told me that her marriage was over and how mean this person was and that she was leaving him. I took her at her word, and thought that she was the victim in the situation, and that he was abusing her. We proceeded to go out to a bar and drink all night and then have sex at the end of the night. I felt pretty bad immediately, but she was the victim, right? So I forgave myself and made sure that she knew I was not interested in just hooking up, that I wanted to be with her, because I really did want to be with her. She was beautiful, funny, fun and I guess I felt like I was her knight in armor to save her and that we could have a great prosperous happy relationship together. She ended up formally leaving her husband about 3 months later, and we were free to be together and start our relationship.

 

The relationship started off amazingly. I fell instantly in love, and thought that she did as well. We were inseperable, caring, thoughtful and just on top of the world. I thought that I had found my soulmate and that I was on track to have an amazing love. Our love life was great, we spent hours talking and making plans for the future. This lasted for about 3 months.

 

Her husband began, or so she said, to pester her at work and try to win her back. She then went out with him and then basically began to use his presense as a mode to attain more attention and care from me. I was there for her, very supportive and tried to point out what we had, and how she needed to move on to be happy.

 

She did tell me up front that she suffered from depression, as a result from a bad break up before. There were also previous suicide attempts. Her parents had neglected her when she was young, and her and her 3 siblings all had had very tough lives. Drugs were prevalent, one sister was a former crack addict, one brother was a cocaine addict with anger issues, and the other brother had never been able to hold a job and had major social-mal-adaptive issues, fathering multiple children with multiple women. My girlfriend had used cocaine and had a long list of men that she had been with, which of course was a turn off, but since I loved her so much, I got past it. I got past it until she started to always talk about those one night stnds or worse ex-boyfriends. I try to make a personal rule not to talk about ex's when I am with someone out of respect. Leave the past in the past. She still did it even after I told her it bothered me. But then of course I did not know that everything we had was really a lie anyway, as it turns out.

 

There is such a long laundry list of things that she did to me that I cannot go through all of them here, but she is a textbook histrionic. She:

 

-Flirted with everyone when we went out

-suicide notions and threats

-used alchohol to hide frustration and pain which would end up in dramatic scenes when we would go out

-constantly needed attention because of drama

-needed to be the center of attention and was miserable if not (caused a lot of tension within my family)

-dressed provacatively

-obsessed with her looks, weight, skin care products, ageing, vain

-had nothing to substantively add to a converstion, very shallow

-constantly interrupted people

-always would hang all over friends, like during a poker game or visiting

-very defensive, would not take advice, short temper, and lack of reason for behavior

 

....more to come, gotta get back to work

 

My short term advice is to stay away from these type of people. I am actually getting my clothes from her house this weekend and dropping all of her stuff off from my house. The only option is a completely clean, no exceptions break

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  • 1 month later...

I know this is an old post, but very interesting.

 

I am dating someone who's first and only serious girlfriend besides me had this disorder and I must say wow is there baggage. He really loved this woman, or at least tried but was so hurt by her that of course it ended. I think I am going ot show him this post, not now, but one day soon to realize he was not alone and that it is OK that he loved her.

 

I had a long talk with him about her and was feeling horrible about how he would talk about her with me. But I understand now how much he really did try.

 

She of course still tries to be in the picture, but I realize that if I keep my cool and not take it personally (and let him know what I need and feel) that this may eventually work out.

 

I am starting to not be so threatened by his ex and am starting to feel a little bad for her. She just needs to be the center of it all so so so bad. She even joined my gym recently and asked the front desk when I typically go! Luckily I am friends with one of the front desk woman so she flagged me that someone was askign about me. She also shows up on group outings and walks around topless and makes out with men in front of me and my boyfriend. At first I was furious but now knowing this about her I feel a little bit better. Not much though.

 

Good luck to all those who have dated someone like this. I feel bad for my boyfriend for going thru what he did. Just know that this kinda damage can last long beyond the relationship.

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you must be joking.....ummm yeah so If you do happen to have this disorder then you should be thrown away and because you are a 'threat'! please.

 

I cant believe what Im reading. SO what happens if you are one of 'them' . I m appalled. Like "they" are not human beings or something, just get out if you meet one of them HA!..... come on!

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you must be joking.....ummm yeah so If you do happen to have this disorder then you should be thrown away and because you are a 'threat'! please.

 

I cant believe what Im reading. SO what happens if you are one of 'them' . I m appalled. Like "they" are not human beings or something, just get out if you meet one of them HA!..... come on!

 

I apologize to the poster if they are offended, I do not think that was anyone's intention, including mine. Similarly to having a substance abuse problem, or a violence problem, it is very damaging to those that love that person. Note that all those who have shared their hurt actually loved these people and probably still do at least in some ways. People with HPD rarely have successful relationships because in the end they are their own worst enemies. Psychotherapy is key to getting help. Check out this link: link removed

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  • 4 months later...

I have a sister-in-law that I am almost positive has this disorder. She ALWAYS needs to be the center of attention. In every conversation she has a story that relates to it, that is more fantastic than the person that started the conversation - even if she has to make the story up, which she does, very often. She is always extremely animated - facial expressions, arms flying around, very loud. We have no idea what nationality she is because if it's St. Patricks day, she's Irish - If someone is talking about their trip to England, she's english - she also claims to have come from Africa and Poland, depending on the conversation. She always seems to have some extremly rare medical problem - she's claimed cancer (never once showed a sign), back problems (that only seem to appear when she needs some sympathy) and numerous other malady's. We catch her in lie's constantly - we don't call her on them most of the time because she goes crazy if you doubt anything she says!! She has also thrown her family into financial ruin because she likes to look like a "high roller". Spending money they don't have, on all kinds of stuff they don't need, but she feels it makes them look good. She tells her husband that she gets everything on clearance for $1 or whatever...and he believes her. She lost her business due to financial mismanagement - translation: she liked to spend the business money on lavish social functions to show off, instead of paying the bills, taxes, etc. Now she stays home and won't work because it would be beneath her to ever work for someone else. She made her husband quit one of the jobs he had because he only made $8. His other job is contruction which means he only works about half the year. This puts them in a bit of a pickle obviously. They have almost lost their home twice and have had their vehicle repossesed. She's threatened suicide several times. But when all is said and done, most of the time she acts like they don't have a care in the world, even though everyone know's how bad their situation is. This is obviously not normal behavior (and I haven't even given HALF of the crazy details of her behavior!) and in doing some research, I ran accross the histrionic personality disorder information and she seems to hit every description on the list!! She is tearing our family apart - anyone else dealing with a family member like this??

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