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  1. #1
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    Can a best friend become a lover

    As a kid growing, I've always been told that men and women can not be best friends because feelings would eventually develop. Once these feelings develop it's hard to suppress them. If we really think about it, the perfect mate for us is our best friend. There is a reason why people become best friends;there are lot in common between the two individuals. In a perfect world everyone would be in relationship with their best friend; unfortunately, this world is not perfect...Anyways, I think I might be falling for my best friend. The thing is I'm not exactly sure if my feelings are real because sometimes I would picture her as this angelic figure and other times I could care less about her. It's weird how the mind works. When we have our eyes on someone, we tend to believe that every action that our crush makes suggests to us that they might be feeling the same way when in reality they're just being nice. That is the problem with having a crush on your best friend. I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me. She was the one person who comforted me when my girlfriend broke up with me. Maybe that's the reason why i like her, because she was there for me in my time of need. Girls always tell me that they would never date their best friend because they don't want to ruin the friendship. But to me, that is whole bunch of nonsense. Why would anyone not want to date someone who shares similar interests as them and is there for them through thick and thin. Whenever we imagine the perfect person for us, we picture someone that have similar qualities as our best friend. Oddly enough we don't ever picture our best friend as the ideal mate. This girl that I consider bestfriend is perfect in every way, yet I just don't know how to tell her that I have feelings for her. The feelings that I have for her is not as strong as it should be, because of the fact that I still have feelings for my ex and I have a crush on a co worker of mines... I don't know, love is so confusing. Anyways, I just wanted to know why most people don't date their best friend.
    Last edited by imtired; 11-18-2005 at 01:22 AM.

  2. #2
    heloladies21's Avatar
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    On my personal point of view, I don't believe in platonic relationships between men and women. One of the parties (usually the guy) has feelings for the other and surpresses it to "save" the friendship.

    Doesn't sound like you see her as just a friend. Time to start treating her differently and let her know that you see her as something more. Chances of it working are slim, but at least you'll have your answer and then you can decide on what you want to do. Being her friend after that will lead to much frustration for you as you will be keeping feelings inside so NC would be the way to go then.

  3. #3
    Silver Member Tigris's Avatar
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    I have a Best Friend who is a man and we don't even think of each other in that way. The reason we get on so well is the fact that he has 3 sisters and has seen the hurt they've gone through with boyfriends. He is a very loyal and understanding person and this is due to his upbringing. Unfortunately, most people assume he is gay by his appearance but he is straight!

    My personal opinion is that if you do have feelings for your Best Friend then talk to them. Explain that you are interested in taking the relationship further if that's what they want. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by talking. Plus you haven't made a pass at them and caused any embarrassment or resentment between you.

    Partners/spouses are supposed to be your Best Friends. Friendship can be a good foundation for a relationship.

    Try not to be too disappointed if you are turned down.

    Good luck and take care.

  4. #4
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    dont worry, i too think i like my bestfriend, and have for the past 3 years. and i still dont know his feelings because they mixed.

  5. #5
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    Well, I know it seems like a great idea, being that you are already so close ad have so much in common. However, speaking from experience, you have to realize that there is a very strong chance that the friendship may cease to exist. My best friend and I were incredibly close friends for 4 years, and we went out for 2. When we finally broke up and tried to just be friends again, we couldn't do it due it to jealously, hidden feelings and broken hearts.

    That being said, I would go ahead and tell her how you feel anyways. Worst case scenario, she freaks out and the friendship is over. If that happens, you'll get over it, and she wasn't a very good friend in the first place. If she does like you, then congrats.

    I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me.
    Maybe she's thinking the same about you...?

  6. #6
    Silver Member ShySoul's Avatar
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    The best relationships are grounded in and begin as friendships. Every day people fall for their best friends and they end up together forever. And that better be true cause thats what I'm banking on.

    There is the issue of worrying about not wrecking the friendship. It is tricky and can cause problems. But the way I look at it, if you feel that way and don't say anything, wouldn't that still put a strain on the friendship? You'll be harboring feelings for her and be longing to tell her whenever you are together, but not be able to. That just hurts you and is likely to make things weird, even if you don't plan on that. And you'll never know unless you say something. You could be throwing away something great.

    If you are true friends, then the friendship will survive even if the relationship does not. Yes, there is a chance things will get weird for awhile. There may be some akwardness. But things will get back to what they were before. And this way you will at least be able to say you tried.

    A friend fell for me. I was liking her too but was debating on the whole ruin the friendship thing and was scared to take the chance. If she had never said anything to me then we would never have got to experience all the good things that happened after that moment. Yes, there have been plenty of bad too. And right now things are weird. But I know that the friendship will survive. The strong friendships do.

    On my personal point of view, I don't believe in platonic relationships between men and women. One of the parties (usually the guy) has feelings for the other and surpresses it to "save" the friendship
    Platonic friendships between men and women happen all the time. Look anywhere and you will find them.
    The ShySoul has recently been on a mission to share a banner of love, respect, compassion, honesty, and selfless giving with one another. If you believe in these things as well, please make them a part of your everyday lives.

    The soul never dies. We all have a strength within us that no force can deny. Speak up for what is right and never let anyone silence you.

  7. #7
    Platinum Member PocoDiablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    As a kid growing, I've always been told that men and women can not be best friends because feelings would eventually develop.
    While they can be best friends, the guy almost always starts thinking he wants more. Just like it appears you have. This is typical male behavior - you are looking for a mate.

    Women, on the other hand, can develop at least two types of bonds with men - one as a partner and one as a child. When you start out as a friend, you are thought of more as a child. She helps you grow, learn, walk you through things. However, I find that women don't easily switch their thinking from boy to man with a male friend.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    Once these feelings develop it's hard to suppress them. If we really think about it, the perfect mate for us is our best friend. There is a reason why people become best friends;there are lot in common between the two individuals. In a perfect world everyone would be in relationship with their best friend; unfortunately, this world is not perfect...
    Agreed. But if you, as a man, start out meeting women as a friend, they will treat you differently than they treat a man who presents himself as an adult, a mature man, a real man.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    Anyways, I think I might be falling for my best friend. The thing is I'm not exactly sure if my feelings are real because sometimes I would picture her as this angelic figure and other times I could care less about her. It's weird how the mind works. When we have our eyes on someone, we tend to believe that every action that our crush makes suggests to us that they might be feeling the same way when in reality they're just being nice.
    Exactly.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    That is the problem with having a crush on your best friend. I don't know if she likes me, but I figure if she likes me she'll tell me.
    Women more frequently communicate with actions than words. It's unlikely she'll just suddenly "wake up" and want you as more than a friend. Personally, I have never seen nor experienced it. I've had a lot more failures as have all my friends trying to jump this bridge.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    She was the one person who comforted me when my girlfriend broke up with me. Maybe that's the reason why i like her, because she was there for me in my time of need.
    Exactly. She was motherly to you, and you were child-like to her. She cared for you like her young one. I tend to think of this as instinctual and part of what makes a woman wonderful for being a mother. Good practice for her, in a sense, for having children.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    Girls always tell me that they would never date their best friend because they don't want to ruin the friendship. But to me, that is whole bunch of nonsense.
    Because a friend is not sexual in nature. Adults have sexual relations, children do not. And once you are classified as a non-adult, you are seen as nuetered, safe, baby-like. It's not sexy. She does not get butterfies for you in her stomach - she feels love but not passion.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    Why would anyone not want to date someone who shares similar interests as them and is there for them through thick and thin. Whenever we imagine the perfect person for us, we picture someone that have similar qualities as our best friend.
    We all do! The trick is to meet a woman and go on a few dates to get to know her and see if you share common interests! You then have an opportunity to prove yourself as a sexual and mature adult and go from there.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    Oddly enough we don't ever picture our best friend as the ideal mate. This girl that I consider bestfriend is perfect in every way
    How do you know? Have you ever been intimate with her? Not just talked about it... Intimacy can be very private, and not fully disclosed, but it is also very important for adult relations.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    yet I just don't know how to tell her that I have feelings for her.
    Well, you shouldn't open your mouth if you actually value your friendship. If you do, I bet she'd back off a lot for a while. Ask any woman, it's just a BAD thing for a guy to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by imtired
    The feelings that I have for her is not as strong as it should be, because of the fact that I still have feelings for my ex and I have a crush on a co worker of mines... I don't know, love is so confusing. Anyways, I just wanted to know why most people don't date their best friend.
    I used to have a philosophy like this - "Friends first and foremost." The funny thing was after a few years I realized all the women I was friends with would have nothing to do with me in a romantic or passionate way. However, the women who I dated and made my intentions clear from the beginning turned into more - a whole lot more than just friends or lovers. I realized I was wasting time trying to be friends with women.

    ----------------

    Quote Originally Posted by ShySoul
    The best relationships are grounded in and begin as friendships. Every day people fall for their best friends and they end up together forever. And that better be true cause thats what I'm banking on.
    I could not disagree more. I know of no one who was friends and then lovers.

    Quote Originally Posted by ShySoul
    There is the issue of worrying about not wrecking the friendship. It is tricky and can cause problems. But the way I look at it, if you feel that way and don't say anything, wouldn't that still put a strain on the friendship? You'll be harboring feelings for her and be longing to tell her whenever you are together, but not be able to. That just hurts you and is likely to make things weird, even if you don't plan on that. And you'll never know unless you say something. You could be throwing away something great.
    Yes, it can. But as a man this is something you need to say up front. Otherwise if you are friends with a woman for a long time and "come clean" you are might be telling her "I got to know you all this time and now I want to get in your pants. I was trying to trick you all along. I lied about my feelings and motives." It can backfire on you, because you just changed the rules in the middle of the game.

    Quote Originally Posted by ShySoul
    If you are true friends, then the friendship will survive even if the relationship does not. Yes, there is a chance things will get weird for awhile. There may be some akwardness. But things will get back to what they were before. And this way you will at least be able to say you tried.
    Yup. In my cases it took 2 years for Nicole, 6 years for Claire, 8 years for Becky, I never saw Aimee again (she would not talk to me), Tracy called me names (charming), Jannette slept with me once and I never saw her again. I never saw Alex again. My first best friend *just* contacted me via email 2 days ago after 15 years.

    I think you are taking a BIG risk.

    Quote Originally Posted by ShySoul
    A friend fell for me. I was liking her too but was debating on the whole ruin the friendship thing and was scared to take the chance. If she had never said anything to me then we would never have got to experience all the good things that happened after that moment. Yes, there have been plenty of bad too. And right now things are weird. But I know that the friendship will survive. The strong friendships do.
    Yeah, but that's a girl falling for a guy. It's different when a guy falls for a girl, since it happens all the time.

    Quote Originally Posted by ShySoul
    Platonic friendships between men and women happen all the time. Look anywhere and you will find them.
    The only time platonic relationships happen between men and women is when the woman is ugly and the guy does not want to have sex with her.

    All men ALWAYS think about the possibility of sex, which means it's not platonic. You're fooling yourself if you think anything else. If a man not thinking about sex with a woman, then he's gay or thinks she is unworthy of him in some other way. Men are sexual creatures by nature, and women know this. Boys are asexual, and women can have friendships with boys - but not men. And boys never can "grow up" and eclipse the woman to have an adult relationship with her.

    Is this always true? Of course not, nothing is always true. Is this mostly true? You tell me. I don't know any men who were friends and then lovers, and are still with the women. The women almost always dislike it for any number of reasons.
    Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

  8. #8
    Member Amano Ginji's Avatar
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    Hmm!

    This girl one of the closest and best frnds i had!..Well not for long!..We r going around now!!And yeah i am in love!!!...So i think its pretty normal if something happens between u 2!..Some may think "it usually doesnt happen!"..But it happened to me!And its working really really well!
    Ok thats my point of view!..U dont need to think this way though!

  9. #9
    Platinum Member Shadows Light's Avatar
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    I liked a lot of what POCO had to say and see validity in it. But then again Shy's got some great points to.

    So from my point of view and field of experience. I have one male friend that I've been with since childhood. We've pretty much grown together.. through everything. And yes.. he's always told me point blank that I am his fantasy. LOL. We joke about it all the time. Fact is... in my situation.. no matter how much I LOVE him.. and I do. I am just NOT physically attracted to him, not one smidge. There have been times in our life when... both of us were lonely and needed that physical touch, love..whatever, and we've laughed over it. Because, we both agreed... it may ruin our friendship and that means more to us than anything. Besides.. like I said. Not a smidge of chemical attraction for me. Nada. nothing. It'd be like... messing around with my brother or something... yuk.

    But we have the greatest friendship ever. We're pretty much honest with each other and can talk about anything under the sun without FEAR of being rejected for our thoughts, screwed up or not. And yeah...that IS a huge WANT/NEED or IDEAL of a relationship that you'd want with your significant other. I don't judge him at all. I love him. But if we were in a relationship.. yeah,those same qualities that I overlook..and drive his spouse CRAZY... would probably drive me NUTS. And I don't think we'd wind up being very "friendly"... lol. And with me.. he'd probably think the same.. instead of "sassy" and "assertiveness" that he finds attractive today.. these qualities might have different names.. "nag!" and big time "B"... Does that make sence.

    I think that men and women can be friends. And yes, POCO... one or the other will develop feelings that may be deeper. We're human for petes sake. I've appreciated when men have been honest with me and told me up front that they found me desirable. And I've been able to put the BREAKS on. Its up front.. its right there. And its cool. We are all on the same page. I've been able to remain friends. I've been able to maintain those relationships...and remain the BUDDY and confidant. Sometimes it helps seeing things through the eyes of the opposite sex. I've had guy friends run by scenarios through me and ask me dating questions. And its worked. And they've done the same for me. Telling me what a guy thinks, what a guy wants... how a mans mind operates. LOL.

    Have I developed crushes on my male friends. You betcha. And I've been honest.. I lost a good friend because of this. Well, heck it would have helped if he'd been friend enough to disclose his sexual orientation. LOL. And I've disclosed and remained friends with others. Chemical attraction not working for them. (how is this possible??? LOL).. and I married my best friend. And well... that didn't work out, or we'd changed but whatever.

    Weigh it carefully... if you tell her.. can you handle the rejection and still be friends. YEP.. things get weird for a while after you disclose and she only wants friendship. But to be true to yourself.. as a person and as a friend. You'd share with your best friend your thoughts and feelings wouldn't you??? and if you can openly share your thoughts and feelings.... and not be judged then.. That is the true test of friendship isn't it????
    "Sit vis vobiscum."

    "nemo me impune lacessit"

    "Libera Te Ex Inferis"

    "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

  10. #10
    Platinum Member PocoDiablo's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shadows Light
    Not a smidge of chemical attraction for me. Nada. nothing. It'd be like... messing around with my brother or something... yuk.
    Yeah, see, that was the point I was trying to get across. It *sometimes* just doesn't feel right to a woman. It's like family. Sometimes. Not always. (For me it's been always, but that is probably more ME being the ugly one!)

    Quote Originally Posted by Shadows Light
    You'd share with your best friend your thoughts and feelings wouldn't you??? and if you can openly share your thoughts and feelings.... and not be judged then.. That is the true test of friendship isn't it????
    Yes. Exactly. Well put. This can be a true test of friendship. I guess some of my "friends" were not really the friends I thought they were. (In actuality, they were not really friends - they were using me. I realized this many years later.)
    Advice given is only as good as the details you provide, and even then it's just an opinion. No one knows the situation as well as you do, so trust your gut.

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