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My boyfriend CAN'T communicate!


LiquidCherry

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My boyfriend and I were together for 10 months, split for a little over a month and are now back together. We both want to make things work but I don't know if we can because well, how can you work things out with someone who can't communicate. He is very uncomfortable talking about almost everything. He does a few couple of things to avoid a serious conversation. He'll make jokes, he'll change the subject, he'll zone out and think about something like pizza or anything else that's totally irrelevant and worst of all he'll get angry, really angry so then we get into a fight. He hates talking about anything that's wrong but how is anything supposed to get resolved if we just pretend a problem doesn't exist? It doesn't even matter what the problem is really, I just need some help. I don't yell or scream or anything really. It's not like I start fights with him, it's just that if something bothers me I would like to be able to talk to him about it but I know of no effective way to approach him. Any adivce? Please?

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When you push someone they push back or retreat. So when you want to solve a problem, make it about you. Let's say you want him to be more affectionate by giving you a hug every now and again. Instead of saying, or implying, that he is a bad boyfriend because he doesn't hug you, try saying "It makes me feel loved and secure when you give me a hug". That way you are asking him for something that pleases you and people like to please their partners. It makes it a request for something, rather than a demand and it also is a much less aggressive way of getting what you want.

 

You can apply that method to almost anything in your relationship. And when you get what you want, make sure that he knows you appreciate it.

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Communication is the key to any type of relationship, regardless of friendship or courtship. If he can't even talk to you about simple things that you may bring up, how will he be able to talk to you about serious issues? If you are unhappy with anything in your relationship, you have to let him know, otherwise you are just going to spend another 10 months wondering if it's going to be the same. No one should have to go through the "wondering" relationship (which is an awful feeling, btw). He's your boyfriend and should want to be your confidante; if he's not willing to do that, you might want to reconsider giving him another shot. It's all about compromise, trust, and communication. If a relationship lacks even just one of those, you might be heading down a path of unhappiness. I wish you the best of luck and I commend you for looking to others when you need to talk to someone.

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I could have been you posting this three years ago. I completely understand how tough it is to thrive in a relationship that you feel is one-sided, with you giving more all the time.

 

What is the major issue between the two of you? Or are there many? I'm curious about what you're actually trying to discuss with him that he's avoiding. It's tough to discuss an issue when you're the only one who thinks it's an issue. Let me guess: you'll bring something up in discussion that bothers you, and he'll say something like, "I don't see the big deal. I'm happy with the way things are going.". Doesn't leave you with a lot of options or comfort, does it?

 

All you can do is keep trying. The way that he avoids any type of confrontation leads me to believe that there may be family issues from his past that prevent him from really opening up. Are his parents still together?

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Thank you for your replies everyone. I'm at my wits end really.

 

DN, I've tried phrasing things in similar ways in the past and I can't remember if it worked or not. I will try again. I am not one to accuse or name call but rather than request for a behavior that pleases me I usually say that I am unhappy with the one that does not. He's very defensive so maybe this could help in some cases but still, he has a problem having a serious conversation, even if it's about something that bothers him. He likes to pretend that nothing is wrong and thinks for some reason that talking about things makes things worse.

 

adidas7fire, that's EXACTLY how I feel and I know it's true too. I know it will never work out unless we learn how to talk to each other.

 

OceanEyes, there actually aren't too many issues between us. For the most part we do get along very well. I don't want to put what we actually disagree about on the internet but to be honest, in my situation it doesn't matter. It could be anything and it's everything big and small. And you guessed correctly, his parents aren't together.

 

I just find that our relationship is fine in a surface only sort of way so long as I don't bring up any issues. He has a hard time discussing his feelings, good or bad...

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He has a hard time discussing his feelings, good or bad...

 

Some guys have a tougher time with this, in my experience. You seem like the type of person who really values open communication, so this might be a bit of a red flag for you. It may not seem like that big of a deal now, but may result in tiring you out over the years.

 

The thing that bothered me the most were the lack of responses from the non-communicative guys. When I'd try to have a serious discussion, I'd usually have to do most of the talking, with little input from them. Or I'd ask for a response, very calmly most of the time, and get answers like, "I don't understand why this is such a big issue". It's really frustrating, and what the guy usually doesn't understand, is that THOSE comments are what actually MAKE it a bigger deal. When you say nothing, we usually assume the worst. And why wouldn't we? You know the saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say ...". #-o

 

This may be something that never changes with him. If he grew up watching his mother and father argue, and felt the tension from that, he may avoid any type of confrontation because of it. He may be conditioned to just keep quiet when he feels any type of conflict brewing. That kind of hard-wiring is difficult to change.

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Teacup, here's what you replied in my thread:

 

are you sure it's a communication problem? mabe he's just abusive.

 

Here's what you replied in another: (

"he sounds like he could be abusive. this could be the start of it."

 

Hmm..... Not all relationship problems stem from abuse. My boyfriend is NOT abusive and I'm offended that this is the advice you have to offer, to myself and to others.

 

OceanEyes, You are correct, I do greatly enjoy and value open communication which is why this is such a big deal to me. And it sounds like you've experienced the same thing and you're so correct, it actually does make it worse! So I guess my choices are to accept it, hope he'll improve with some age and maturity but accept it if he does not.. Or move on. Hmm.. Difficult decision.

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Your pushing him, if you want him to be the loving open man you want then leave him be. He's a man and he doesn't think like you do i.e a woman, he doesn't need to talk about his feelings and thoughts like a woman does. He doesn't want to have a serious conversation and when he does he will. Men will only talk when THEY feel like it and the more you push him the more he will refuse.

YOU are making this a problem. He doesn't want to talk seriously yet and doesn't like the pressure or to be pushed. Back off with the pressure, he resents it and he may even want to talk but when he is ready.

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Your pushing him, if you want him to be the loving open man you want then leave him be. He's a man and he doesn't think like you do i.e a woman, he doesn't need to talk about his feelings and thoughts like a woman does. He doesn't want to have a serious conversation and when he does he will. Men will only talk when THEY feel like it and the more you push him the more he will refuse.

YOU are making this a problem. He doesn't want to talk seriously yet and doesn't like the pressure or to be pushed. Back off with the pressure, he resents it and he may even want to talk but when he is ready.

 

Your advice is exactly the route I have taken and THAT is my problem. I am forced to drop an issue or never even bring one up in the first place because of his dislike for communication. But some things need to be discussed, trust me on this one, and a relationship will never be successful if an important issue is swept under the carpet. I don't mind so much if he doesn't care to discuss things that aren't really of any great concern but he can't do this every time, which he does and again you'll have to trust me because I am the only one here who knows my partner but he will NEVER be ready on his own to have an important conversation. He CAN'T communicate. Your advice works very well in that surface only sort of way but with an important issue (or future issues) it just isn't going to cut it.

 

I just wanted to add that you may have missunderstood me. I am not trying to get my boyfriend to be open so that we can discuss love and feelings and thoughts. Bah. I am having problems resolving important conflicts/issues in our relationship because he is unable to communicate. OceanEyes nailed it on the head when she said that he may be conditioned to just keep quiet when he feels any type of conflict brewing.

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YOU are making this a problem. He doesn't want to talk seriously yet and doesn't like the pressure or to be pushed. Back off with the pressure, he resents it and he may even want to talk but when he is ready.

 

I'm going to have to respectfully disagree with this. Nobody should have to sit around waiting for their partner to decide when and how they want to discuss serious issues. I agree, that nobody wants to be pushed, but is it really fair to expect your partner to sit around waiting for that exact moment when you feel like having a conversation?

 

There are times when it's wise to just "back off". However, it shouldn't be that hard to talk about issues that are actually important. Relationships are a two-way street, and keeping things to yourself all the time is incredibly unhealthy. It leaves things to fester. A couple should be able to talk about things openly on a regular basis.

 

Not all men withdraw like this. And yes, men and women do think and act diffferently, but there are certainly men out there who don't shy away from healthy discussions or close themselves off. I was lucky enough to find a guy who is a very good communicator, and has made this relationship the best, and most fulfilling, I've ever had.

 

LiquidC: It took me over two years to discover that my ex and I were not compatible when it came to communication. I really knew for sure when we were trying to "work things out" in the break-up stages (I had actually moved out and was starting to see other people). We met to "talk", and even then, he refused to acknowledge our major issues, either saying nothing or things like, "I was always happy with that, this is YOUR issue". Well, perhaps it was, but it resulted in me falling out of love with him over time, and eventually finding a man who was a great listener and communicator.

 

If ever you do decide that this relationship isn't making you happy, and DO find a man who fulfills this need, you'll realize what you've been missing. Just don't sit around waiting for too long just to be able to express yourself and have someone reciprocate that. It's not too much to ask.

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There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it? so what I said I still believe in. Maybe he doesnt have a problem and is just going with the flow but the pressure to talk all the time about serious stuff is enough to make him clam up and not talk at all.

If you want a man to talk, you should talk first about how you think and feel with NO pressure and reassure him that although you are having doubts, you still love him but need to be heard and need HIS reassurance that he will listen, try to understand your doubts and fears and then wait for him to speak when he has digested the information.

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Just don't sit around waiting for too long just to be able to express yourself and have someone reciprocate that. It's not too much to ask.

 

I am glad that someone feels the same way I do. The only "problem" is that you're posts have gotten me thinking about if a relationship is truly possible long term. I suppose I'm going to continue and take my wait and see approach, I don't want to give up.

 

A few nights ago the issue I've been wanting to discuss came up on the television. He made a random comment and I simply stated that it would be unacceptable. He whined in defeat and that was that, conflict resolved. It was pure luck and I wouldn't exactly call it communication; I can't count on something like this to happen every time.

 

I'm glad that you've found someone who you are compatible with. It's nice to know that there are men out there that can communicate as it's very steriotypical to hear that they cannot.

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There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it?

 

Sigh... I am not harping, that's why I started this thread, because it's something I don't want to do. Most often I am "forced" not to say anything at all, not even a tentative attempt. I have had relationships in my past without this digree of difficulty.

 

I could tell him how I feel and wait patiently for a response.. But I know he may never respond because he is too uncomfortable talking about an issue let alone bringing one up.

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There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it?

 

Sigh... I am not harping, that's why I started this thread, because it's something I don't want to do. Most often I am "forced" not to say anything at all, not even a tentative attempt. I have had relationships in my past without this digree of difficulty.

 

I could tell him how I feel and wait patiently for a response.. But I know he may never respond because he is too uncomfortable talking about an issue let alone bringing one up.

 

Again, I think you are misunderstanding me. I have said more than once that I am unable to bring an issue up. If I can't bring an issue up how can I possibly harp? He is not the one being pressured, I am, I am pressured to remain silent.

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The three favourite conversaton topics of women.

1/ What b/s men are. All men.

2/ How ugly all other girls are

3/ How the girl who's got a better boyfriend than you is a sllag.

 

Nothing turns a guy off conversation faster.

 

And it doens't matter if these are the last topics you talk about. It's what the guys keep having shoved at them.

 

You may not start fights but believe me you would if you ever spoke honestly

 

eg

Question, Does my bum look big in this

Answer Nah, looks fine

Honest Answer Fwoaarrr yea! Just big enough to be nice and gropeable.

 

Thats the truth. Thats honesty. Thats real communication.

 

It's also the kind of communication that most girls cant face up to.

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  • 2 years later...

I have even been to the point that my father passed away last year and he had nothing. he just stared at me like a god damned dumbfounded child! I felt REAL angry right there and frankly, we have never NEVER been the same after that. He has no emotions and he does NOT know how to be affectionate unless he has been drinking. Oh, and did I mention he is a * * * * ing drunk on top of it all?!

 

I am fed up and have wasted 2 1/2 years in my life. Time for me to get the * * * * away from him and save my sanity, mental health and emotional status before I wind up a damn unfeeling BITTER zombie replica of him. I get so filled withRAGE and he has the nerve to complian that i am ANGRY... no I am FRUSTRATED and with frustration comes RAGE for me... I feel REJECTED and have NO ONE LEFT TO TALK TO I AM ALWAYS ALONE WITH OR WITHOUT HIM AND WANT TO KILL MYSELF WHEN HE GETS STUCK IN "UMMM UMMM" LOOPS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

It is NOT fun for me to sit and watch other couples DOING WHAT COUPLES SHOULD BE DOING and he is right beside me and I am left in the * * * * ing cold. HOW EMBARRASING IS THAT .. PLUS he dont EVER make eye contact - he faces the west talking to you when you are in the north.

 

He is everything I could ever want in a man but he keeps making me feel guilty for being angry with this. I AM NOT THE ONE AT FAULT. LADIES YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A MAN GET THE * * * * OUT WHILE YOU ARE STILL ABLE TO *GET* ANOTHER MAN.. I sure am.

 

I live on the beach dammit I am not holding out anymore. I am a HEALTHY WOMAN god damit.. I am UNFULFILLED UNHAPPY UNSATISFIED AND OUT OF THIS SHAM OF A RELATIONSHIP!

 

Good luck to everyone else!

 

- GONE

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There are ways and means of communicating without constant harping on at them to talk. And it hasnt worked so far has it? so what I said I still believe in. Maybe he doesnt have a problem and is just going with the flow but the pressure to talk all the time about serious stuff is enough to make him clam up and not talk at all.

If you want a man to talk, you should talk first about how you think and feel with NO pressure and reassure him that although you are having doubts, you still love him but need to be heard and need HIS reassurance that he will listen, try to understand your doubts and fears and then wait for him to speak when he has digested the information.

 

I have to respectfully disagree with you description of repeated attempts to communicate as "harping." The problem with many men's communication, I think, is that men are quite often conditioned to believe they are in control of everything and they run the household. Somehow, in many male minds, this translates to "I get to decide what we talk about or DON'T talk about and WHEN."

Most likely, LiquidC and the other women on this board who are at their wit's end have, like me, already tried to calmly and patiently discuss these things with their men and have not gotten anywhere. Hence the description of us being "at our wit's end."

I agree with OceanEyes--one shouldn't have to WAIT for their partner to "feel like" talking about serious issues in the relationship. That's like waiting to see if China will ever "feel like" talking about what they are REALLY doing in Tibet. If it is negative for the person you are waiting to "feel like" talking, then of COURSE they will never decide to talk about it.

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I FEEL YOU!

My ex, who I'm trying to work things out with, is HORRIBLE at communicating. He is cold and distances himself whenever there's a problem. He literally shuts down and zones out everytime I bring up something... major OR minor. He makes himself seem so mature in other aspects of his life (job, school, etc.) but when I want to discuss something, he'll reply with "I dunno" or pretend he didn't hear me!

 

THEN, when there IS an issue... it's never resolved. I am forced to go along with this silly game & pretend nothing ever happened! It's a horrible way to deal with situations and I wish I could tell you how to fix it.

 

The only thing that KINDA worked for me was when I bit my tongue for a long, long time. I didn't bring up ANY issues or problems I had, even if he knew I was bothered. Then I'd wait until we were having a really good time together and I'd slip it in casually with a light-hearted tone. He never gave me a LOT of communication, but he'd discuss things more than he normally would. I realized when he didn't feel pressured or didn't feel him communicating would trigger a negative response from me, he was more likely to open up.

 

It's irritating that I have to make such sacrifices when all I want him to do is TALK or have him TELL ME what's on his mind or how he feels about certain things.

 

Ugh....

I'm glad I'm not the only one suffering.

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  • 2 months later...

I am bumping this thread because I am curious how things have been working out for you, Liquid Cherry.

 

I have the same problem sometimes with my boyfriend... he clams up about anything and everything. No one is better than me about giving someone their space. But then I end up feeling less loving towards him, and naturally, I don't want that.

 

But what's weird is that when an issue becomes serious enough that we fight about it, he suddenly turns into a great communicator. Our fights are very healthy. However I would like to be able to talk about things before I become so upset that they turn into a fight. Like you I have been in relationships where communication was just not so darn hard. I think I must not be such a great communicator either.

 

I will try to take the advice in this thread but I am definitely hoping that things have improved for you, Liquid Cherry.

 

edited to add: I'm still new here and learning the ways of the forum... just figured out LC has been gone for two years or so... boy is my face red. Well, if the other posters would like to update their situations I'd love to hear from you too.

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  • 1 month later...

I am involved in the same situation with my boyfriend. Any issues are always only my issues and typically my fault in his eyes. Since he doesn't have the same issues he doesn't feel like we should address them as a couple whatsoever. When I try to talk about them he instantly starts an argument with me.

 

It makes me resentful and feel that the relationship is unequal. As a result I want to talk about the issue more to try to resolve it and end up bringing the same issue up over and over. This irritates him and frustrates me. Vicious cycle.

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Men just are not into talking. Whenever we bring up the topic of "discussing the relationship" in any way, because they see it (often rightly) as criticism, they become defensive. Try reading the book "How to Repair your Relationship w/o Talking" Google it. It bet it works better than all the long and drawn out conversations you could ever have. It basically tells you how to transform a relationships using non-verbal cues, which are much more effective with men. Just a suggestion. Good luck to you.

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i just broke up with my boyfriend mainly over this issue not to long ago, i also posted here about his conflict avoidance/issues with communication after a year of dating i realized i could no longer deal with it.

 

so i know how you feel about this, it can really have you pulling your hair out when it feels like your talking to a wall.

 

in situations like this i would advise ppl not to stay in that situation too long, if hes not willing to meet you half way and resolve things theres no point in continuing in a relationship.

 

in most cases such as mine it can be the downfall of a relationship.

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I also feel like I have to keep things that bother me silent, in order to avoid a conflict.

My boyfriend has an overwhelming sense of guilt, and when he says something that upsets me, he resents the fact that "he has to feel guilty about being honest." An example is that recently I drew an amazing portrait of him as a surprise, and although he admires my talent, he didn't want to keep the drawing because "it's so realistic that it creeps him out," and he talked about giving it away. Obviously my feelings were hurt, because I'd spent a lot of time on it and created it with loving feelings.

 

He also said that if being honest leads him into situations like this then he'd feel compelled to start lying. I think it's unfair of him to turn this around on me and try to make me feel bad because he feels guilty. This has happened in other situations in our relationship. He does or says something that hurts my feelings, and then because my feelings are hurt, I clam up and become a little distant, then he feels guilty about it and resents my behavior, and then I feel bad because I feel like I'm making him feel bad. It's an endless cycle.

 

Yes, he should be able to be honest about anything, but I should also be able to be honest when something has hurt my feelings. He thinks he can say whatever he wants in the name of honesty, but then he can't deal with my reaction to it if it's negative. I feel like this cycle will make me start walking around on eggshells, and be afraid to express my feelings for fear that he'll go through a guilt trip. Also, the one time we got into an actual argument, he dumped me because it was too overwhelming for him. We ended up getting back together 5 days later, by his choice.

Any thoughts/suggestions on how I can bring up things that bother me without going through all of this? It's very draining and frustrating. I feel like I'm at my wit's end. Fyi, we've been together for almost 7 months.

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