help, kids don't like my bf

cinderelly · 11-11-2005, 01:42 PM

I have decided to end my relationship with my bf because my kids won't accept him. I divorced their father two years ago. They have not been able to heal from the divorce and they won't accept it or move on. I will really miss the relationship I had with him andI have tried very hard to work things out for everyone. But I have come to realise that my childrens happiness is far more important. I will be lonely I know that for sure, and it is difficult to put my happiness with him aside. But I have been through so much turmoil I'm hoping that it will feel better in the end. But right now I feel awful and heartbroken and I'm sure he does too. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. How do you get over something so devastating?

DN · 11-11-2005, 01:44 PM

Are you sure this is a wise thing to do? Why don't your kids like him?

cinderelly · 11-11-2005, 01:55 PM

they won't accept anyone other than their father, my daughter is acting out and getting into alot of trouble. she having trouble sharing me with someone else she can't accept it. I on the otherhand am very much in love with my bf but i feel I cannot jepordize the relationship between my daughter and I. It's definately not what I want to do It's what I have to do. Giving up my bf and our relationship is very hard and I think it will take me along time to heal from all of this. But I see no way to work things out for all of us.

DN · 11-11-2005, 02:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinderelly

they won't accept anyone other than their father, my daughter is acting out and getting into alot of trouble. she having trouble sharing me with someone else she can't accept it. I on the otherhand am very much in love with my bf but i feel I cannot jepordize the relationship between my daughter and I. It's definately not what I want to do It's what I have to do. Giving up my bf and our relationship is very hard and I think it will take me along time to heal from all of this. But I see no way to work things out for all of us.

Have you considered family counselling? This is not an unusual situation and many times it can be fixed. She may resent your boyfriend but if you give him up because of her, it will probably start up a whole new set of problems because now she will know that she can control you by playing that card in almost any situation when she wants her own way.

It is also possible that she really wants you to reconcile with her father and won't be satisfied until you are - you will know if that is true better than I.

Children need to know that their parents are in control - not them. They will rebel of course, children do. But they also need to feel safe; and giving into them over important issues is not usually wise nor is it the best thing for them.

Your daughter needs to understand that the world does not revolve around her. All children think it does and it is not an unreasonable assumption when young, but part of growing up is coming to the realisation that she is not the only person in the family who wants to be happy. It is a parents job to help them become less self centered - and one way to do that is to make them accept the fact that we, as parents, have lives of our own and are entitled to our own happiness. Your daughter needs to learn empathy for other people - and that includes you.

I urge to you re-think your strategy here - for your daughter's long-term well-being as well as your own. And your boyfriend's. Children's needs are paramount - but not exclusively so.

Beec · 11-11-2005, 02:21 PM

I kind of just cannot agree with this. On the other hand, I don't know how long I could take it being aorund your daughter, if I were your boyfriend. Yikes. Your are basically condeming yourself to a life of celibacy until she learns to handle things. How old are your children?

bleeder · 11-11-2005, 02:24 PM

Hi Cinderelly,

I can understand what you are going through.

Firstly, I believe that your kids reaction to the new man in your life is normal. This is their first line of defence, towards anyone other than their biological father in this situation. But do not despair.

I am sure that there is still hope, and also work to be done. I have a few questions though. Is your boyfriend doing anything to win over their trust? Is he doing anything to bond with them? Have you ever talked to your children as to what it is that they dislike so much about him?

Some adults think that by doing simple things like buying material goods (e.g toys, gifts etc.) for children is sufficient enough to win them over. That is a very wrong mentality. I am not sure of your boyfriend's methods in understanding your children, but kids need lots of time and patience. In order to click with them, we'd have to think like them and figure out what makes them tick.

This is a man you love, so I am sure that there must be some good in him which your children don't see for now. On your part, you'd need to speak to your kids and make them understand that Daddy and Mommy are no longer together, and in order for Mommy to be happy, you'd have to find a partner sooner or later.

Keep us posted.

Meow18 · 11-11-2005, 02:30 PM

I agree with DN.

It's totally normal for children to have a hard time when their parents divorce. I think your daughter's acting out has a lot more to do with the actual divorce than just you seeing another guy, although that probably has to do with it too. However, the problem isn't going to go away just because you break up with the guy.

You have a right to be happy too. Don't leave this man if you really love him. As long as this guy doesn't beat you or your kids, or treat them badly, then why leave him? Kids grow up learning how to love through their parents. If you and their father are divorced, it will be hard for them to learn because they can't see it. That's also the same for if you date a bunch of guys. If you are seeing a great guy that you love, then even if they can't accept it at first, they will learn so much by it. It's an important lesson.

Think about the reasons your daughter can't accept this guy. Is it just this guy, or do you think it would be with any guy besides their father? Chances are it would be any guy. It will just be hard for them to see that you love another guy who is not their dad. And that's not your fault. That's no reason for you to just end it with him. You need to help your children develop a relationship with him.

Have you talked to them about this at all?

**lady00** · 11-11-2005, 03:47 PM

I think you need to get to the root of why they don't like him so you can address the issues. Is it simply because he is not their father? That is one thing. But are there specific reasons why they don't like him? In either case, I would investigate that further and try to see if spending more time together doing fun things with him and with your kids would help them get along better. I think that if it's just that they don't want their father to be "replaced" by a new guy then both of you need to talk to them and tell them that isn't going to happen and that their father will be their father but that your bf will be an addition to the family.

I fully agree that once you have kids, they should be your number 1 concern, but I also think that they need to understand that relationships don't always work out (they will have their fair share of breakups) and that your relationship with their father just didn't work. From your post, it's clear that your children's feelings are very important to you. That's important, but I don't think you should sacrifice your own happiness either. I think you can find a balance. It's going to be hard but I think it will be worth it in the end. I agree with the one poster that suggested counseling because I think that if you feel like you're not sure where to go from here, you don't have to go it alone...professional advice can sometimes make you see things in a whole new light. Good luck with everything!

AllieCatOf2 · 11-14-2005, 01:08 PM

First thing that needs to be done right now is a big family meeting. (you and your children, and their father if the situation is decent enough) they need to hear from you about how and why things have changed and that its time to move on. I have step children and when I got with their dad the family breakup was very new, recent, and fresh. The children were NOT really told about what happend and why, and alot of issues came up.
You are the boss, your children are not. YOU are the one who says how things are in your home. Letting them "win" only gives them more power to control you in other ways.
I'd bring the guy back and try to be happy. YOU are in control, not your daughter.

11-11-2005, 01:42 PM	#1
cinderelly Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: upper michigan Age: 39 Posts: 96	help, kids don't like my bf I have decided to end my relationship with my bf because my kids won't accept him. I divorced their father two years ago. They have not been able to heal from the divorce and they won't accept it or move on. I will really miss the relationship I had with him andI have tried very hard to work things out for everyone. But I have come to realise that my childrens happiness is far more important. I will be lonely I know that for sure, and it is difficult to put my happiness with him aside. But I have been through so much turmoil I'm hoping that it will feel better in the end. But right now I feel awful and heartbroken and I'm sure he does too. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. How do you get over something so devastating? __________________ relationships come and go but this one I would like to keep

11-11-2005, 01:44 PM	#2
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,441	Are you sure this is a wise thing to do? Why don't your kids like him? __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

11-11-2005, 01:55 PM	#3
cinderelly Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: upper michigan Age: 39 Posts: 96	they won't accept anyone other than their father, my daughter is acting out and getting into alot of trouble. she having trouble sharing me with someone else she can't accept it. I on the otherhand am very much in love with my bf but i feel I cannot jepordize the relationship between my daughter and I. It's definately not what I want to do It's what I have to do. Giving up my bf and our relationship is very hard and I think it will take me along time to heal from all of this. But I see no way to work things out for all of us. __________________ relationships come and go but this one I would like to keep

11-11-2005, 02:24 PM	#6
bleeder Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Feb 2003 Gender: Male Age: 38 Posts: 572	Hi Cinderelly, I can understand what you are going through. Firstly, I believe that your kids reaction to the new man in your life is normal. This is their first line of defence, towards anyone other than their biological father in this situation. But do not despair. I am sure that there is still hope, and also work to be done. I have a few questions though. Is your boyfriend doing anything to win over their trust? Is he doing anything to bond with them? Have you ever talked to your children as to what it is that they dislike so much about him? Some adults think that by doing simple things like buying material goods (e.g toys, gifts etc.) for children is sufficient enough to win them over. That is a very wrong mentality. I am not sure of your boyfriend's methods in understanding your children, but kids need lots of time and patience. In order to click with them, we'd have to think like them and figure out what makes them tick. This is a man you love, so I am sure that there must be some good in him which your children don't see for now. On your part, you'd need to speak to your kids and make them understand that Daddy and Mommy are no longer together, and in order for Mommy to be happy, you'd have to find a partner sooner or later. Keep us posted. __________________ :: An honest man's pillow is his peace of mind :: Minutes To Memories :: John Mellencamp :: Last edited by bleeder; 11-11-2005 at 02:27 PM.

11-11-2005, 02:30 PM	#7
Meow18 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jan 2004 Location: IL Gender: Female Age: 24 Posts: 2,884	I agree with DN. It's totally normal for children to have a hard time when their parents divorce. I think your daughter's acting out has a lot more to do with the actual divorce than just you seeing another guy, although that probably has to do with it too. However, the problem isn't going to go away just because you break up with the guy. You have a right to be happy too. Don't leave this man if you really love him. As long as this guy doesn't beat you or your kids, or treat them badly, then why leave him? Kids grow up learning how to love through their parents. If you and their father are divorced, it will be hard for them to learn because they can't see it. That's also the same for if you date a bunch of guys. If you are seeing a great guy that you love, then even if they can't accept it at first, they will learn so much by it. It's an important lesson. Think about the reasons your daughter can't accept this guy. Is it just this guy, or do you think it would be with any guy besides their father? Chances are it would be any guy. It will just be hard for them to see that you love another guy who is not their dad. And that's not your fault. That's no reason for you to just end it with him. You need to help your children develop a relationship with him. Have you talked to them about this at all? __________________ Committing your love to someone means losing the chance to experience another person's love. So just be sure the person you are committed to deserves your love or else it’s not worth the sacrifice. Forget who hurt you yesterday, but don't forget who loves you today.

11-11-2005, 02:21 PM	#5
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I kind of just cannot agree with this. On the other hand, I don't know how long I could take it being aorund your daughter, if I were your boyfriend. Yikes. Your are basically condeming yourself to a life of celibacy until she learns to handle things. How old are your children?

11-11-2005, 03:47 PM	#8
lady00 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: May 2004 Gender: Female Age: 25 Posts: 7,869	I think you need to get to the root of why they don't like him so you can address the issues. Is it simply because he is not their father? That is one thing. But are there specific reasons why they don't like him? In either case, I would investigate that further and try to see if spending more time together doing fun things with him and with your kids would help them get along better. I think that if it's just that they don't want their father to be "replaced" by a new guy then both of you need to talk to them and tell them that isn't going to happen and that their father will be their father but that your bf will be an addition to the family. I fully agree that once you have kids, they should be your number 1 concern, but I also think that they need to understand that relationships don't always work out (they will have their fair share of breakups) and that your relationship with their father just didn't work. From your post, it's clear that your children's feelings are very important to you. That's important, but I don't think you should sacrifice your own happiness either. I think you can find a balance. It's going to be hard but I think it will be worth it in the end. I agree with the one poster that suggested counseling because I think that if you feel like you're not sure where to go from here, you don't have to go it alone...professional advice can sometimes make you see things in a whole new light. Good luck with everything!

11-14-2005, 01:08 PM	#9
AllieCatOf2 Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Florida: Hurricane hot-spot Gender: Female Age: 28 Posts: 10	First thing that needs to be done right now is a big family meeting. (you and your children, and their father if the situation is decent enough) they need to hear from you about how and why things have changed and that its time to move on. I have step children and when I got with their dad the family breakup was very new, recent, and fresh. The children were NOT really told about what happend and why, and alot of issues came up. You are the boss, your children are not. YOU are the one who says how things are in your home. Letting them "win" only gives them more power to control you in other ways. I'd bring the guy back and try to be happy. YOU are in control, not your daughter.