emotional

mrsmarvl · 11-09-2005, 06:59 PM

I have a 23 yr old daughter,...who has a 4 yr old daughter who is the love of my life! My daughter met this man who is an amazing person, to me he is not the problem. My daughter all of a sudden is dissing her family. She is never home takes my grandaughter to his house all the time to sleep there,when I babysit she never comes right home , we r talking sometimes 6 hrs late! She lies to me treats me like a piece of crap, ignores my calls when I call her at work, one night I called 5 times because the baby was sick, she told me she new something was wrong because I called so many times ,but she didnt come home from work for another 4 hours!!! She went to the boyfriends house! She has neglected to renew medical for her, she has been sick and she wont listen to me about what to do. And on top of all this, I gave her my vehicle to use to go back and forth to work,and to take her sister back anfd forth to work and school(they work @the same place) and her sister has to ride the bus to school now and to work. And if Im the babysitter and daycare picker upper dont u think I should know her schedule b-4 anyone? And now I cant pick the baby up @ daycare the boyfriend is doing it.(Ouch

) She is hurting me WHY!!!!!!! Please someone Im falling apart! They want to move in together, Im even trying to help find a place for them to live. What am I doing wrong? Sad , very sad

Cassyniner · 11-09-2005, 07:33 PM

Mrsmarvl--
I can feel and understand your pain...I have a very similar situation going on in my family. My daughter is nearly 21, with a nearly two-year-old son. She was such a great mom at first, but then her marriage broke up. I let her move home, so that she could attend school. I was babysitting every night, though I work days. She then dropped out, got a job, and started dating again. I decided that I would not babysit for her when she works or socializes. She took it remarkably well, and understands that I have a life and job of my own. She still relies heavily on her younger sister to babysit, and does a lot of the irresponsible things that you mentioned. But for my own sanity I had to remove myself from the midst of the situation. I think the irresposibility is very much because of their youth. Though I didn't and suspect you didn't behave that way when they were babies. I can see from your age that we had the girls at the same age, and they had their kids just a year younger. Try to kindly back away from this as much as you can, I think it will help lower your stress and in the long run keep a more cordial relationship with your daughter, also preserving the relationship with your grandchild. Remember mrs--if we enable their poor behavior, we are not doing them or our grandchildren any favors...

**avman** · 11-09-2005, 08:53 PM

While this may sound counterintuitive I think you are doing too much for your daughter.

She's an adult and needs to be responsible for her own life. I know you want to be a good mom to her and everything but she needs to stand up and do things herself. If you do everything for her and there are no consequences for her actions then she has no motivation to change.

You do not deserve to be taken advantage of. But you also must not allow it to continue to happen. Let her find a new babysitter. Just be grandma, not the hired help. You can't make her raise her child the way you want her to. She's going to do it the way she wants to. As long as the child isn't in danger, you will have to back away and let her live her own life.

I know this will be very hard, but the tighter we hold on the more that slips through our fingers.

mrsmarvl · 11-10-2005, 02:23 PM

thx very much for all your support, and your right it does hurt.. But what can I do but let her live her own life?
Thx mrs marvl

talo · 11-14-2005, 04:48 PM

Quote:

But what can I do but let her live her own life?

Letting someone live their own life does not necessarily mean doing nothing for or with them. It rather means whatever you may do or not do for or with them, it is done without any expectation of them. Ie there is no expectation of them to behave in any particular way. It is giving them there freedom (of operation) and you yours.

mrsmarvl · 11-14-2005, 07:00 PM

Well this is what I do I take care of my granddaughter everyday that my daughter is and is not workin today is monday and she hasnt seen my daughter since saturday. every single free minute she has she is with her bf, instead of her daughter, this upsets me. Yeah she works 2 jobs, so what! No one is making her! She lives with me! My problem is she isnt being the mother she should be she is thinking about her bf instead. She had developed a bond with my granddaughter, very close bond. But now that this guy is in the picture its different. She lies to me about what time she gets off and what time she goes in, so she can be with this guy! And when I confront her with this and get mad, she takes my grandaughter all over hell and back because she is mad at me, she knows how much i care about her and she uses that against me! So what do i do? The kid has been sick for 2 weeks straight and i finally had to tell her to take her to the doc!

11-09-2005, 06:59 PM	#1
mrsmarvl Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: arizona Age: 47 Posts: 70	emotional I have a 23 yr old daughter,...who has a 4 yr old daughter who is the love of my life! My daughter met this man who is an amazing person, to me he is not the problem. My daughter all of a sudden is dissing her family. She is never home takes my grandaughter to his house all the time to sleep there,when I babysit she never comes right home , we r talking sometimes 6 hrs late! She lies to me treats me like a piece of crap, ignores my calls when I call her at work, one night I called 5 times because the baby was sick, she told me she new something was wrong because I called so many times ,but she didnt come home from work for another 4 hours!!! She went to the boyfriends house! She has neglected to renew medical for her, she has been sick and she wont listen to me about what to do. And on top of all this, I gave her my vehicle to use to go back and forth to work,and to take her sister back anfd forth to work and school(they work @the same place) and her sister has to ride the bus to school now and to work. And if Im the babysitter and daycare picker upper dont u think I should know her schedule b-4 anyone? And now I cant pick the baby up @ daycare the boyfriend is doing it.(Ouch ) She is hurting me WHY!!!!!!! Please someone Im falling apart! They want to move in together, Im even trying to help find a place for them to live. What am I doing wrong? Sad , very sad __________________ older and wiser

11-10-2005, 02:23 PM	#4
mrsmarvl Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: arizona Age: 47 Posts: 70	thx very much for all your support, and your right it does hurt.. But what can I do but let her live her own life? Thx mrs marvl __________________ older and wiser

11-14-2005, 07:00 PM	#6
mrsmarvl Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: arizona Age: 47 Posts: 70	Well this is what I do I take care of my granddaughter everyday that my daughter is and is not workin today is monday and she hasnt seen my daughter since saturday. every single free minute she has she is with her bf, instead of her daughter, this upsets me. Yeah she works 2 jobs, so what! No one is making her! She lives with me! My problem is she isnt being the mother she should be she is thinking about her bf instead. She had developed a bond with my granddaughter, very close bond. But now that this guy is in the picture its different. She lies to me about what time she gets off and what time she goes in, so she can be with this guy! And when I confront her with this and get mad, she takes my grandaughter all over hell and back because she is mad at me, she knows how much i care about her and she uses that against me! So what do i do? The kid has been sick for 2 weeks straight and i finally had to tell her to take her to the doc! __________________ older and wiser

11-09-2005, 07:33 PM	#2
Cassyniner Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 56	Mrsmarvl-- I can feel and understand your pain...I have a very similar situation going on in my family. My daughter is nearly 21, with a nearly two-year-old son. She was such a great mom at first, but then her marriage broke up. I let her move home, so that she could attend school. I was babysitting every night, though I work days. She then dropped out, got a job, and started dating again. I decided that I would not babysit for her when she works or socializes. She took it remarkably well, and understands that I have a life and job of my own. She still relies heavily on her younger sister to babysit, and does a lot of the irresponsible things that you mentioned. But for my own sanity I had to remove myself from the midst of the situation. I think the irresposibility is very much because of their youth. Though I didn't and suspect you didn't behave that way when they were babies. I can see from your age that we had the girls at the same age, and they had their kids just a year younger. Try to kindly back away from this as much as you can, I think it will help lower your stress and in the long run keep a more cordial relationship with your daughter, also preserving the relationship with your grandchild. Remember mrs--if we enable their poor behavior, we are not doing them or our grandchildren any favors...

11-09-2005, 08:53 PM	#3
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,524	While this may sound counterintuitive I think you are doing too much for your daughter. She's an adult and needs to be responsible for her own life. I know you want to be a good mom to her and everything but she needs to stand up and do things herself. If you do everything for her and there are no consequences for her actions then she has no motivation to change. You do not deserve to be taken advantage of. But you also must not allow it to continue to happen. Let her find a new babysitter. Just be grandma, not the hired help. You can't make her raise her child the way you want her to. She's going to do it the way she wants to. As long as the child isn't in danger, you will have to back away and let her live her own life. I know this will be very hard, but the tighter we hold on the more that slips through our fingers.