Is it possibly the end of the road now?

fides75 · 11-07-2005, 03:31 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. I liked that we were both single for a few years before we met each other so that we know exactly what it's like to live on our own, without a S/O, etc. We've had a pretty great relationship considering his past, (his mother and father put him into a foster home at the age of 9 while they both went to jail and never returned for him).

I have been able to understand to some point why he has issues about being afraid to get married and I don't fault him for that, but suddenly during the last weekend, I have started thinking about getting married and having a real home, not renting. We both make decent money and live in our own places but I don't want to keep doing just this all my life. I am 30 and he is a very young 35.

I don't know how to bring this up. We've had fights about marriage already. Because I wanted it someday and he doesn't feel we are ready. After two years of this kind of talk I really think that he just doesn't have the ability to do it because he is a little messed up about what he went through all his life without his parents being there.
I don't want an ultimatum given to him but I am exhausted over wondering what kind of future I am going to have with him if he can never commit to marriage, hell, I don't want children, I am not a money waster, I take care of bills, money and my credit is execellent thanks to my parents's good advice. I don't want anything but to be married to him and be able to go home to a great husband everynight but he can't make the commitment.

I feel like I am fallling out of love with him and don't know if it's too late to bother talking with him about this now or if it's just over. I don't think he takes me serious about the fact that I've said I'd rather be alone than unhappy but that's where I am at this point.

Any advice?

**arwen** · 11-07-2005, 03:38 PM

Hey fides,

I think it is not possible to really change someone's attitude towards marriage, unless he changes it himself. I hope I can give you a bit of advice, but keep in mind that I have very little experience. In fact I have never had a bf that I really wanted to marry.

My suggestion is to just leave things as they are for a while. You can only do so if you really love him a lot, and are able to put this beside you. Without the pressure, he might start having different views about things. Maybe he is willing to at least start living together. Also with a partner registration (which is still a big commitment, but maybe less scarier than marriage), you can easily buy a home together.

I think he should figure things out on his own. But he has to WANT to. And this is not something that is in your power I am afraid. Another possibility would be to break up with him, just to see how he would respond. However, I think that is a bit manipulative, and even if the result is that he might commit more if you sort of threaten him with leaving, it's not the way that you probably want it.

ilse.

Itsok · 11-07-2005, 03:40 PM

If it's important to you, you have no choice but to bring it up and talk about it. Certainly he has had a rough childhood but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of getting married if he wanted to.

I believe that sooner than later you'll have to give him an ultimadum.
Also, you've dated for two years now. That's plenty of time to decide if someone is compatible with you.

There's a book called "He's just not that into you" I suggest you read through some of it and see if it matches up with some of the things he says. Although it seems like a silly book, it has some good, practical advice about these situations.

I would be giving ultimadums within the next few months. Just tell him that if you aren't engaged by ______ date, you will have no choice but to move on. Don't do this unless you are absolutely going to follow through.

Good luck!!!

Dako · 11-07-2005, 03:57 PM

No idea what's ailing him.

I dated a lady for two years before getting married. I made lots of lame excuses about my fear of commitment that were bogus. My family, my background, all were my reasons to escape marriage.
I was scared! I feared becoming a whipped puppy changing diapers and going to Chuck E. Cheese, shopping for lace curtains and making beds, needing to be the "man of the house" etc.

One fine day we went to Planned Parenthood so Icould get snipped, then we got married.

RayKay · 11-07-2005, 04:20 PM

I would say after two years, you have every right to know where things stand in this relationship.

Sure, bringing it up might not be EASY....but you do have the right to find out if you are on the same wavelength or not, and if you are not, to make some big decisions as to whether it is acceptable for you to not get married (and that means not bringing it up every year or so!), or if it's important enough to you that you need to move on. And honestly, I think at this point, this is one of those talks you SHOULD be having if its important to you.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, and nothing wrong with NOT wanting to get married - but you BOTH need to be on the same page. The problem arises when one of you is not, and gets pressured into doing something they don't want.

I am not one for ultimatums, and I am not sure you should give one to him. I do think you should let him know what is on your mind, and depending on his discussion, make some decisions. If you are not ready to leave right away even if he seems against it, perhaps set yourself a PERSONAL ultimatum whatever his answer - that if he has not proposed by next year, then move on, or earlier, whatever works for you.

I am sure he is "touched" by his past, but if believes YOU are important to him, and realizes this is important to you, maybe he will be willing to seek some counselling or the likes to sort things out, or admit he just does not want to go there, rather then telling you he "does not know you well enough". I think he is old enough to know what he wants or does not by now, don't you?

And I would start looking at buying your OWN house if you have good credit and good money management, you should be able to do that on your own, regardless of him being there and marrying you or not.

I would say though the reason you are "falling out of love" is something common among from what I have discussed with other women whom wait and wait and find out their partner just will never be ready, they start withdrawing from the relationship in a sense as they are no longer ready to emotionally invest in something they don't want in a sense...

The thing is, there are men out there whom will be willing to marry you, but it's your decision as to whether you want to leave this fellow to take that chance of finding an equal or better relationship with someone else, or if you want to stay with this person and accept that he may NEVER marry you.

Don't settle.

fides75 · 11-07-2005, 06:19 PM

He and I really have talked on many occasions but I always ended up saying I'm sorry but now I almost resent that I've tried this many times and I know it will be 'day late, dollar short' as in I won't want it by the time he 'gets around' to wanting it.

It scares me that this feeling I have of disinterest has appeared so fast. I've only had two relationships in my life and this is the same way they started to end too. My biggest fear is that if I bring it up for the final time and it seems like an ultimatum, he will give in and it won't really be what he wants. A perfect catch 22 I've got myself in now.

Itsok · 11-08-2005, 04:29 PM

To be honest, I don't think you'd have to worry about that he'd agree to marriage and not be ready. If he really isn't ready and won't be ready, he will walk.

Now you'll have to realize that there's the chance you will lose him. There's nothing you can do about that.

I'm sorry to hear you feel that this the way your other relationships have ended as well. There's always the feeling within us when we know it's time to move on in relationships and in life. Perhaps that is just the sign that it's time to do something about this.

Regardless of if you continue to avoid the subject, it will continue to come up until your relationship fizzles out or it's resolved.

Bethany · 11-09-2005, 05:42 PM

Try reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It will tell you why everytime you try to get him to commit, he won't. It could be your relationship saver and I wish you good luck.

11-07-2005, 03:31 PM	#1
fides75 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: pennsylvania Gender: Female Posts: 82	Is it possibly the end of the road now? I have been with my boyfriend for just over two years. I liked that we were both single for a few years before we met each other so that we know exactly what it's like to live on our own, without a S/O, etc. We've had a pretty great relationship considering his past, (his mother and father put him into a foster home at the age of 9 while they both went to jail and never returned for him). I have been able to understand to some point why he has issues about being afraid to get married and I don't fault him for that, but suddenly during the last weekend, I have started thinking about getting married and having a real home, not renting. We both make decent money and live in our own places but I don't want to keep doing just this all my life. I am 30 and he is a very young 35. I don't know how to bring this up. We've had fights about marriage already. Because I wanted it someday and he doesn't feel we are ready. After two years of this kind of talk I really think that he just doesn't have the ability to do it because he is a little messed up about what he went through all his life without his parents being there. I don't want an ultimatum given to him but I am exhausted over wondering what kind of future I am going to have with him if he can never commit to marriage, hell, I don't want children, I am not a money waster, I take care of bills, money and my credit is execellent thanks to my parents's good advice. I don't want anything but to be married to him and be able to go home to a great husband everynight but he can't make the commitment. I feel like I am fallling out of love with him and don't know if it's too late to bother talking with him about this now or if it's just over. I don't think he takes me serious about the fact that I've said I'd rather be alone than unhappy but that's where I am at this point. Any advice?

11-07-2005, 03:38 PM	#2
arwen Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	Hey fides, I think it is not possible to really change someone's attitude towards marriage, unless he changes it himself. I hope I can give you a bit of advice, but keep in mind that I have very little experience. In fact I have never had a bf that I really wanted to marry. My suggestion is to just leave things as they are for a while. You can only do so if you really love him a lot, and are able to put this beside you. Without the pressure, he might start having different views about things. Maybe he is willing to at least start living together. Also with a partner registration (which is still a big commitment, but maybe less scarier than marriage), you can easily buy a home together. I think he should figure things out on his own. But he has to WANT to. And this is not something that is in your power I am afraid. Another possibility would be to break up with him, just to see how he would respond. However, I think that is a bit manipulative, and even if the result is that he might commit more if you sort of threaten him with leaving, it's not the way that you probably want it. ilse. __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

11-07-2005, 03:40 PM	#3
Itsok Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Where dreams are made Posts: 354	well If it's important to you, you have no choice but to bring it up and talk about it. Certainly he has had a rough childhood but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of getting married if he wanted to. I believe that sooner than later you'll have to give him an ultimadum. Also, you've dated for two years now. That's plenty of time to decide if someone is compatible with you. There's a book called "He's just not that into you" I suggest you read through some of it and see if it matches up with some of the things he says. Although it seems like a silly book, it has some good, practical advice about these situations. I would be giving ultimadums within the next few months. Just tell him that if you aren't engaged by ______ date, you will have no choice but to move on. Don't do this unless you are absolutely going to follow through. Good luck!!! __________________ _________________________________ "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.The mind is everything. What we think we become.” -Buddha Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein

11-07-2005, 04:20 PM	#5
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	I would say after two years, you have every right to know where things stand in this relationship. Sure, bringing it up might not be EASY....but you do have the right to find out if you are on the same wavelength or not, and if you are not, to make some big decisions as to whether it is acceptable for you to not get married (and that means not bringing it up every year or so!), or if it's important enough to you that you need to move on. And honestly, I think at this point, this is one of those talks you SHOULD be having if its important to you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married, and nothing wrong with NOT wanting to get married - but you BOTH need to be on the same page. The problem arises when one of you is not, and gets pressured into doing something they don't want. I am not one for ultimatums, and I am not sure you should give one to him. I do think you should let him know what is on your mind, and depending on his discussion, make some decisions. If you are not ready to leave right away even if he seems against it, perhaps set yourself a PERSONAL ultimatum whatever his answer - that if he has not proposed by next year, then move on, or earlier, whatever works for you. I am sure he is "touched" by his past, but if believes YOU are important to him, and realizes this is important to you, maybe he will be willing to seek some counselling or the likes to sort things out, or admit he just does not want to go there, rather then telling you he "does not know you well enough". I think he is old enough to know what he wants or does not by now, don't you? And I would start looking at buying your OWN house if you have good credit and good money management, you should be able to do that on your own, regardless of him being there and marrying you or not. I would say though the reason you are "falling out of love" is something common among from what I have discussed with other women whom wait and wait and find out their partner just will never be ready, they start withdrawing from the relationship in a sense as they are no longer ready to emotionally invest in something they don't want in a sense... The thing is, there are men out there whom will be willing to marry you, but it's your decision as to whether you want to leave this fellow to take that chance of finding an equal or better relationship with someone else, or if you want to stay with this person and accept that he may NEVER marry you. Don't settle. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

11-08-2005, 04:29 PM	#7
Itsok Offline Silver Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Where dreams are made Posts: 354	men don't do that To be honest, I don't think you'd have to worry about that he'd agree to marriage and not be ready. If he really isn't ready and won't be ready, he will walk. Now you'll have to realize that there's the chance you will lose him. There's nothing you can do about that. I'm sorry to hear you feel that this the way your other relationships have ended as well. There's always the feeling within us when we know it's time to move on in relationships and in life. Perhaps that is just the sign that it's time to do something about this. Regardless of if you continue to avoid the subject, it will continue to come up until your relationship fizzles out or it's resolved. __________________ _________________________________ "Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense." -Ralph Waldo Emerson “All that we are is the result of what we have thought.The mind is everything. What we think we become.” -Buddha Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no ones definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein

11-07-2005, 03:57 PM	#4
Dako Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Gender: None Specified Posts: 9,113	No idea what's ailing him. I dated a lady for two years before getting married. I made lots of lame excuses about my fear of commitment that were bogus. My family, my background, all were my reasons to escape marriage. I was scared! I feared becoming a whipped puppy changing diapers and going to Chuck E. Cheese, shopping for lace curtains and making beds, needing to be the "man of the house" etc. One fine day we went to Planned Parenthood so Icould get snipped, then we got married.

11-07-2005, 06:19 PM	#6
fides75 Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: pennsylvania Gender: Female Posts: 82	He and I really have talked on many occasions but I always ended up saying I'm sorry but now I almost resent that I've tried this many times and I know it will be 'day late, dollar short' as in I won't want it by the time he 'gets around' to wanting it. It scares me that this feeling I have of disinterest has appeared so fast. I've only had two relationships in my life and this is the same way they started to end too. My biggest fear is that if I bring it up for the final time and it seems like an ultimatum, he will give in and it won't really be what he wants. A perfect catch 22 I've got myself in now.

11-09-2005, 05:42 PM	#8
Bethany Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,030	Try reading Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. It will tell you why everytime you try to get him to commit, he won't. It could be your relationship saver and I wish you good luck.