first time user - what would you do?

sing4u1 · 10-13-2005, 07:41 AM

I'm in a tough situation. Originally we had agreed to wait until the after the holidays to break the news to our 10 yr. old daughter about us splitting up. Just found out my husband has a girlfriend. He says he'll cool it with her but I know better. Just more lies as usual. We're still living together in the meantime until we can sell the house which is far from ready. My anxiety is so bad sometimes, but I can't see ruining my daughters last holiday as a family unit. Any advice for someone with no money and no where to go and feeling VERY guilty about hurting her daughter?

Shaun23 · 10-13-2005, 09:30 AM

Not having kids of my own I don't think I am entitled to give advise,
but is there not a family member that you can go to something.Your daughter is at an age where she will pick up on your mood being down,and she will react accordingly.

Being with your husband will only cause friction in the house,and this will hurt your daughter more than anything else,seeing mommy and daddy fighting.

Reading some of the postings on this site has really got me thinking of what the hell is wrong with people!Cheating,cheating and even more cheating!!

All the best.....Let me know what you decide!!

RandomAdvisor · 10-13-2005, 11:57 AM

What were you planning on doing before you found out your soon to be EX had a GF?

If you two already decided to split, I can see why he felt entitled to go get a GF.

armchairshrink · 10-13-2005, 01:38 PM

Ugh, what a mess. I'm really sorry you're going through this. A dear friend went through almost the exact same scenario, and it hurt me to watch her pain -- and her daughter's.

I applaud your decision to wait until after the holidays to tell your daughter. I'd hate for her always to associate the holidays with such bitter pain. You haven't changed your mind about this since finding out about the husband's girlfriend, have you? You must feel like your head is about to explode over the whole situation, but is that a reason to tell her sooner?

I would hope that your husband puts as big a priority on his daughter's welfare as you do, and would have more sense than to parade around with the woman. Or is that a forlorn hope? Unfortunately, I have seen people do stupider and more hurtful things to their children during a divorce.

By way of telling his kids about the girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend's father showed his sons (my ex and his brother) the engagement ring he had bought for his new girlfriend only two weeks after he had kicked their mother out of the house. And he was the one who had had the affair that broke up the marriage.

I hope for your sake and your daughter's that your divorce doesn't turn as ugly as that one did. Post here as often as you like; you'll find lots of support and some good advice.

Hang in there!

miracle29 · 10-13-2005, 02:24 PM

Some guy....(not to attack or ream you) but I think that her concern is not of this new gf but the fact that her daughter who they both agreed wont know a thing until after a certain time, may witness this and be privy to info they both agreed she wouldnt be. I think she could care less about his new "girlfriend". She just doesnt want to hurt her daughter!

Now as for Sing 4u1, first i have to say "i'm so sorry" that this has turned out the way it did, but keep in mind, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and you and this angel (your little girl) will be fine. He has moved on and that is great that he's honest (now) about it, so that you don't get you're hopes up about rekindling any flames. (don't know why you'd want too) anywho...

Your daugher is 10yrs old. She is no fool. She probably knows more than you think and may already have her suspicions that something is going on. And while it is depressing to see mom and dad break up, it would hurt her more to see you both continue with this fascade of "we're so happy" . Children are very perceptive, they know things, and while I agree waiting to tell her after the set time is right, don't be so hard on yourself or blame yourself as if this is a one sided divorce and its all your fault. ITS NOT.

And once you heal, who knows.."your prince charming" may come. I have a feeling this new gf of your soon to be ex, wont last. then he'll try to come back to use you some more. Don't let anyone do this to you. You start over, focus on the child and eventually God will send the right person in your life..when you are ready.

Good luck with this. I know its not easy.

sing4u1 · 10-16-2005, 08:12 AM

Thank you all who replied. I appreciate the input.
To some_guy, I made the decision to split after I found out about the GF.
I had left twice before and came back both times(stupid me) for him. He didn't want it to end and vowed to straighten out. I can now see that ain't going to happen. Love is blind, but now I see.
I hate to hide anything from my daughter but I think it would be worse to split just before the holidays. My sister died just before Christmas and it was just never the same again. I can't be so selfish as to ruin the holidays for her. She'll be mourning the loss of the family unit the only way she's known it. We don't argue when she's around so it's too tense most of the time. My anxiety is better and I believe I can handle the wait. My husband is trying to be more discreet so at leaste that's something. He doesn't want her hurt either.
Miracle29, my favorite quote that you used is so true. By the time this is over with I'll be made of iron. Thanks again for all the replys!

Shadows Light · 10-16-2005, 10:18 PM

Sing4U... well if you truly want to wait and not tell her during the holidays. Then the both of you need to put on your game faces and ACT like you've never ACTED before.

Kids are perceptive. And she probably knows whats going on or has an idea that something is not right with her world. So you don't have to lay it on thick.

What do you usually do for Xmas? Do you spend the day at home? Do you visit family?

Maybe you can do Xmas morning as a family and then you and your daughter go visiting in the afternoon to evening. Make an excuse for dad... he's not feeling up to it. A bit under the weather. Whatever. That will give you limited time around him...and still make holdidays a bit special for her.

10-13-2005, 07:41 AM	#1
sing4u1 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Maine Age: 43 Posts: 3	first time user - what would you do? I'm in a tough situation. Originally we had agreed to wait until the after the holidays to break the news to our 10 yr. old daughter about us splitting up. Just found out my husband has a girlfriend. He says he'll cool it with her but I know better. Just more lies as usual. We're still living together in the meantime until we can sell the house which is far from ready. My anxiety is so bad sometimes, but I can't see ruining my daughters last holiday as a family unit. Any advice for someone with no money and no where to go and feeling VERY guilty about hurting her daughter?

10-13-2005, 01:38 PM	#4
armchairshrink Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2005 Location: Out to lunch Gender: Female Posts: 141	Ugh, what a mess. I'm really sorry you're going through this. A dear friend went through almost the exact same scenario, and it hurt me to watch her pain -- and her daughter's. I applaud your decision to wait until after the holidays to tell your daughter. I'd hate for her always to associate the holidays with such bitter pain. You haven't changed your mind about this since finding out about the husband's girlfriend, have you? You must feel like your head is about to explode over the whole situation, but is that a reason to tell her sooner? I would hope that your husband puts as big a priority on his daughter's welfare as you do, and would have more sense than to parade around with the woman. Or is that a forlorn hope? Unfortunately, I have seen people do stupider and more hurtful things to their children during a divorce. By way of telling his kids about the girlfriend, my ex-boyfriend's father showed his sons (my ex and his brother) the engagement ring he had bought for his new girlfriend only two weeks after he had kicked their mother out of the house. And he was the one who had had the affair that broke up the marriage. I hope for your sake and your daughter's that your divorce doesn't turn as ugly as that one did. Post here as often as you like; you'll find lots of support and some good advice. Hang in there! __________________ I made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it short. --Blaise Pascal

10-16-2005, 10:18 PM	#7
Shadows Light Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Gender: Female Posts: 2,560	Sing4U... well if you truly want to wait and not tell her during the holidays. Then the both of you need to put on your game faces and ACT like you've never ACTED before. Kids are perceptive. And she probably knows whats going on or has an idea that something is not right with her world. So you don't have to lay it on thick. What do you usually do for Xmas? Do you spend the day at home? Do you visit family? Maybe you can do Xmas morning as a family and then you and your daughter go visiting in the afternoon to evening. Make an excuse for dad... he's not feeling up to it. A bit under the weather. Whatever. That will give you limited time around him...and still make holdidays a bit special for her. __________________ "Sit vis vobiscum." "nemo me impune lacessit" "Libera Te Ex Inferis" "Homo sapiens non urinat in ventum"

10-13-2005, 09:30 AM	#2
Shaun23 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: South Africa Age: 27 Posts: 26	Not having kids of my own I don't think I am entitled to give advise, but is there not a family member that you can go to something.Your daughter is at an age where she will pick up on your mood being down,and she will react accordingly. Being with your husband will only cause friction in the house,and this will hurt your daughter more than anything else,seeing mommy and daddy fighting. Reading some of the postings on this site has really got me thinking of what the hell is wrong with people!Cheating,cheating and even more cheating!! All the best.....Let me know what you decide!!

10-13-2005, 11:57 AM	#3
RandomAdvisor Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: East Coast Gender: Male Age: 27 Posts: 1,669	What were you planning on doing before you found out your soon to be EX had a GF? If you two already decided to split, I can see why he felt entitled to go get a GF.

10-13-2005, 02:24 PM	#5
miracle29 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Dudes..I'm In FLA now! Yayyy Gender: Female Age: 35 Posts: 1,532	Some guy....(not to attack or ream you) but I think that her concern is not of this new gf but the fact that her daughter who they both agreed wont know a thing until after a certain time, may witness this and be privy to info they both agreed she wouldnt be. I think she could care less about his new "girlfriend". She just doesnt want to hurt her daughter! Now as for Sing 4u1, first i have to say "i'm so sorry" that this has turned out the way it did, but keep in mind, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger and you and this angel (your little girl) will be fine. He has moved on and that is great that he's honest (now) about it, so that you don't get you're hopes up about rekindling any flames. (don't know why you'd want too) anywho... Your daugher is 10yrs old. She is no fool. She probably knows more than you think and may already have her suspicions that something is going on. And while it is depressing to see mom and dad break up, it would hurt her more to see you both continue with this fascade of "we're so happy" . Children are very perceptive, they know things, and while I agree waiting to tell her after the set time is right, don't be so hard on yourself or blame yourself as if this is a one sided divorce and its all your fault. ITS NOT. And once you heal, who knows.."your prince charming" may come. I have a feeling this new gf of your soon to be ex, wont last. then he'll try to come back to use you some more. Don't let anyone do this to you. You start over, focus on the child and eventually God will send the right person in your life..when you are ready. Good luck with this. I know its not easy.

10-16-2005, 08:12 AM	#6
sing4u1 Offline Member Join Date: Oct 2005 Location: Maine Age: 43 Posts: 3	Thank you all who replied. I appreciate the input. To some_guy, I made the decision to split after I found out about the GF. I had left twice before and came back both times(stupid me) for him. He didn't want it to end and vowed to straighten out. I can now see that ain't going to happen. Love is blind, but now I see. I hate to hide anything from my daughter but I think it would be worse to split just before the holidays. My sister died just before Christmas and it was just never the same again. I can't be so selfish as to ruin the holidays for her. She'll be mourning the loss of the family unit the only way she's known it. We don't argue when she's around so it's too tense most of the time. My anxiety is better and I believe I can handle the wait. My husband is trying to be more discreet so at leaste that's something. He doesn't want her hurt either. Miracle29, my favorite quote that you used is so true. By the time this is over with I'll be made of iron. Thanks again for all the replys!