Looking for clues:How to avoid the pitfalls in relationships

[jevonj77]

Hello once again...I am posting this post because I am trying to firstly avoide some things from happening(no...I am not married). I think that some of the answers posted here can help many in there situations and such.

Ok...for those of you that went through a divorce , what were some of the things that you or your partner did that led to this divorce. If the fact is that you just do not know and that for some reason the partner or you decided that you wanted out...this would also be insightful information. If you also know of like let's say that your partner never wanted to go out with you to certain places so this caused the break up...or it could be that you constantly argued with each other( like how or what started it and such would be good) that would help out a lot.

For those that have gone through certain struggles in their marriage but have mannaged to overcome them, if you could site some of those issues and tell of how you solved them...that would also be very helpful.

thank you all...

[punchy504]

money and fidelity seem to be the biggest causes of divorce.

The most important thing I have found is when you find someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with, it is important that you are a team together, you 2 against the world kind of thing (as corny as that may sound). never let it get adversarial between you two. be each other biggest cheerleader, not the biggest critic (this does not mean constructive criticism is out.)

[TRAUMA]

sounds to me like you are full of FEAR..no offense...Just so u know, nothing that we migth say here or book you migth read will prepare you 100% on the committed life.(marriage)..Once you fall in love (or lust) you will forget everything we migth say here..but, the experience is good..
I will give you some examples of "my marriage situation", ..or maybe some pointers of the thing I believe are crucial for the "pertnership"..
for what I have learned thus far ,marriage is like a "corporation", per se . or a small business...Most important: COMMUNICATION..in all aspect of the word..respect for each partners ideas.. and ..NO SECRETS.. (in other words TRUST).. I keep preaching this here. believe me I have implemented this in my life and yes, it works..For exmple, your friends, should be at least acquainted to your partner.. at least..if not .Why the hell get married!.......Finance. very imp. Thank GOD, no prob. there for us...dont be selfish w/ money., but not materialistic either..Hey! are you understanding..this is going to be LONG..maybe I should resume it , and then write back!!... am i helping????

[sibling295]

hey trauma - keep writing PLEASE!!!

i like the small business idea - any other thoughts how to do it?

[OceanEyes]

Well, I've never been married, but I think I've been in serious enough relationships to know what works, and what doesn't.

I've left relationships for different reasons, there hasn't been one major issue like trust/ communication/ cheating. The relationship I'm in now has sort of opened my eyes to what really does work for me, because there are certain things I share with him that I didn't share with other guys.

Something that should go without saying, is that first and foremostly, a couple must actually be COMPATIBLE right from the start, there must be sexual chemistry and a general accordance of their virtues. If you ignore these incompatibilities right from the start for whatever reason, you're just asking for trouble down the road.

#1. Understanding. This also includes being able to admit when you're wrong, and to say you're sorry. If he has a bad day and takes it out on me once in a while, I have to be the bigger person and say, "it's okay. I understand, and I am here for you."

#2. Being a really good friend and listener. Really caring about all the little, mundane things in his life. Being there to listen when he doesn't think anyone else will be. Always making him my #1 priority and keeping my word.

#3. Being able to laugh together. I don't know about other couples, but I've come to realize that if I don't share the same sense of humour as a guy, it's just not going to work. Who wants to be with someone they can't laugh and play with? Who always finds their jokes stupid or offensive? Who misunderstands them?

#4. Never, under any circumstances, getting lazy and too comfortable. This tends to be the natural thing with many couples; either the guy stops being as fun and communicative with his girlfriend, or the girl stops being as interested in sex. Either way, it leaves the other in a very bad position, because it can completely change the dynamic of the relationship and ultimately, feelings change. I think one of the biggest mistakes anyone can make, is to assume that they can act however they want, and that their partner will be there regardless out of 'love'. This also includes keeping things fun and, from time to time, exciting. Taking trips together, surprise gift giving, romantic dinners, and just simple small gestures can all keep romance and freshness in a relationship. Different things will work for different couples, of course.

#5. Open, honest communication. Communication is an asset in any relationship, and is one of those things that can make or break you. The happiest couples (I believe, anyway) are those who always make an attempt to talk and understand their partners. I feel comfortable telling my boyfriend just about anything, and it is a great feeling.

Also, arguments are okay. Some people tend to think that in a good relationship, there are no arguments. I don't think that this is true AT ALL. Constant fighting isn't healthy, but I seriously doubt that there are couples out there who never disagree or argue occasionally. It teaches you more about the other person, and seeing how they handle conflict is actually great insight into who they are.

[Tylin]

Interesting thread. I'm right at the brink of divorce right now, so I'll show you some of our dirty laundrey and maybe it will be helpful to someone.

** Mutual respect is a biggie. Don't put the other person or their ideas down just because you don't agree with them. Be kind about it if you do-- be constructive and sensative to their feelings. If she complains that she gets more respect from strangers or co-workers, something is very wrong.

** Try to be considerate. Little things do matter. A few bad habits probably won't end a relationship, but after time they can add up and tip the scales if there are more serious problems.

** Actively work on your relationship. Communicate. Don't get too complacent when things are going great for you. Make sure your partner is also happy with the way things are. Try to help her when she gets overwhelmed with life. Random acts of kindness or romance are really appreciated.

** Fights and disagreements are inevitable, but you choose how you will deal with them. Try very, very hard not to make the same mistakes with her over and over again. "I'm sorry" means less and less if your behavior is hurting her and you don't care enough to change it. She will forgive you, but she might not ever forget.

** Don't make big decisions without her, especially financial ones. It will make her feel unimportant.

I guess the bottom line is this: if you love her, tell her, but more importantly SHOW her through your actions, and not just on special occasions.