my mom searched my room and found

HoldMeTightly · 09-15-2005, 10:54 AM

My mom searched my room and found a letter that I wrote to this girl a while back, like in June. I understand I shouldn't have kept it if I didn't want anyone to see it, but don't I have some rights of privacy? She told me last night that she's going to go through my room if it's not perfectly clean. It's ridiculous, at least I think so. It's my property. Anyway, Last night, I came downstairs and my mother was crying and she showed me the letter. I didn't recognize it even as mine because as a sixteen year old, I constantly change my handwriting, and then she asked me if it was my handwriting. I mean, of course it was, so, I ripped the letter of her hand and she literally jumped me for it. She grapped onto my harms and just clawed at me and tried to get it from me. I have an extremely tight grip so I've still got it, right here. It's not even that bad of a letter, but it is obviously a love letter, to a girl. My mom freaked out and we had a gigantic fight last night. It was really bad. I felt like such a disappointment, 1. For being different and disappointing my mom and dad and my brothers. 2. Because I can never do anything sufficient enough to not cause a fight. It was my dad's first day home in 2 weeks because he was out of town and I had to screw it up just like I screw everything else up. I can't be with this girl any longer for she has a girlfriend now (but we were thinking about getting together until things got complicated), however, if I do find someone that would want to be with me and I would want to be with them, I don't know how my mom would take it. It turns out she is now going to interrogate my friends before I am allowed to go out with them at night or whenever, even when some of my friends from school live forty-five minutes to an hour away. (private school…everyone lives everywhere). Okay I'm almost done I swear. Props to you if you're still reading. My mom found my xanga, it's like an online journal type thing where I just posted poems, songs and like little snippets of my day. Yeah I understand it's online, however, I didn't want anyone to read it unless I gave them the link. She indirectly threatened the link out of one of my friends and read it. It had one thing in it about liking someone and she freaked out! It turns out this one was a guy, but she didn't know that until yesterday and I don't even think she believes me. How can I live with this madness!

randy · 09-15-2005, 11:05 AM

hello , are you male or female ? Also , how old are you ?

nuts · 09-15-2005, 11:25 AM

thats the thing that sucks when it comes to living with your parents. now matter how old you are or how mature you have become, it is still their house and according to them, they have the right to do what they want in it, even if it means goin into your room and finding things you never wanted them to find.

kind of an unfortuanate way of your mother finding out, but at least now its out in the open. dont feel like youve dissappointed anyone. you are not a failure for feeling a certain way. if you werent true to yourself you would be dissappointing yourself, which is far worse.

as for the fight... well sometimes these things are inevitable. confrontation would have happened at some point or other so dont beat yourself up over it.

im sorry to have to say it but your mom was wrong for what she did, especially for forcing your friend to do that. if i were you i wouldnt tell her this as it will only make your relationship at the moment worse. instead, give each other space and in time you'll be able to talk out both your feelings about this new revelation, and hers. and maybe then you'll be able to set a few boundaries regarding personal space!

UT · 09-15-2005, 11:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HoldMeTightly

I felt like such a disappointment, 1. For being different and disappointing my mom and dad and my brothers.

You should never be ashamed for what you are. Be proud. You can't change what you are. no use in feeling guilty for who you are it will only despair.

It seems very bad right now but at least now it's out in the open. Right now it gotta be horrifying. That would be the last way I would wanna come out but sometimes it might as well be best that way just get it out in the open.

It you have friends who supports you that will help. It will probably be very tens at your house the next few days. You family has to accept it and will if they really love. If it is you and not their pride they love.

P.S. long posts are good

HoldMeTightly · 09-15-2005, 11:51 AM

actually i've been "out" for over a year now. my parents just ignore it and hope that ill get over it. and now its brought up again. and it will be pushed under the rug again by tomorrow. atleast out loud. the silence is the worst.
im a female
sixteen

darkblue · 09-15-2005, 12:03 PM

Oh right, I actually was wondering what it was all about until I saw the forum heading.

It's only natural for your mother to be concerned - she still loves you, and in time she may get used to the fact that you're happy with your sexuality.

You have to understand that - as a mother - she wants to know what's going on in your life. I'm by no means justifying her actions, but sometimes it's hard to get inside a teenager's head.

I think it'd make life easier for both of you - if you could sit down and reach and understanding. Start to work on your relationship and try to make it more open. That way she wouldn't have to 'invade your privacy' while still being told what's going on in her daughter's life.

**BellaDonna** · 09-15-2005, 12:34 PM

My mother used to do that to me when I was a teenager and I hated it.

Your sitaution is a little more complex because of your sexuality. My advice would be don't keep anything in writing or online that you don't want people to see. When I was a teenager I kept a "fake" diary so that my mother would think she was finding something and it would satisfy her. Try keeping one of these diaries- better yet- write some "real" things in it -like how much it hurts you when she goes through your things and how all you want is your parents unconditional love for the person you are. You can actually use her snooping to your advantage as a way to communicate with her.

BellaDonna

Dannysgirl · 09-15-2005, 01:04 PM

My own mother did this to me up until I moved out at the age of 24, I couldn't move before then because I was at university.
The reason she did it was because she's a sad pathetic cow who has no life and wanted to stick her nose into mine.
If things don't improve I would suggest you try to move out, you shouldn't have to tolerate this constant invasion on your privacy.

**BellaDonna** · 09-15-2005, 01:14 PM

It's pretty bad when someone snoops through your things- but I think it's more common in the teenage years. I agree that if someone does it when you're an adult it's pretty pathetic.

But she is merely 16- so she probably can't move out.

HoldMeTightly, I think your best bet is to outsmart her and not leave her anything to "find", at least while you're still dependent on your parents financially.

BellaDonna

shes2smart · 09-15-2005, 02:14 PM

Your post gave me flashbacks. When I was 16 my mother snooped in my journal. Unfortunately for me, it was shortly after I lost my virginity....which, of course, was detailed in said journal.

I was put under a lot of restrictions...not allowed to go out with friends, had to account for every waking moment, and so on. What it taught me was to get very good at lying to my parents & sneaking around. It also taught me that money spent on a metal box and a combination lock was money well-spent. That locked box housed my journal for the remainder of the time I lived under their roof. My mom never said anything about the locked box....but what could she say, really? Leave your writing out so I can keep snooping? I never said anything aloud -- the yelling would be over sooner if I didn't yell back, so I never did. There's another thing I learned -- how to be incredibly stoic and show no emotion while being yelled at. But my guess is that locked box spoke volumes for me.

To get through it, I just kept focused on what I needed to do to move out of there in such a way that I didn't harm myself and in such a way that I didn't run the risk of having to come back. It took until part way through college, but once I moved out that was it...that was a little over 20 years ago and I haven't had to live under their roof again.

The sad thing of it all is that I don't know if parents realize that stuff like this makes their kids shut off pieces of their life to their parents. Maybe some families can overcome that shutting off over time and forge a close, mature relationship. In my case, the parts of my life that got shut off from my parents have remained shut off...to the point where I have no contact with them whatsoever anymore.

For whatever it's worth, you aren't the first one to be on the receiving end of parental snooping. I don't know if you can find some comfort in that or not. If nothing else, time moves at a constant, forward pace and the day will come where you will be moving out of their house and into your own life. Keeping focused on that might help you get through when things are really awful. I know I hung onto the image of that day for several years.

09-15-2005, 10:54 AM	#1
HoldMeTightly Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 112	my mom searched my room and found My mom searched my room and found a letter that I wrote to this girl a while back, like in June. I understand I shouldn't have kept it if I didn't want anyone to see it, but don't I have some rights of privacy? She told me last night that she's going to go through my room if it's not perfectly clean. It's ridiculous, at least I think so. It's my property. Anyway, Last night, I came downstairs and my mother was crying and she showed me the letter. I didn't recognize it even as mine because as a sixteen year old, I constantly change my handwriting, and then she asked me if it was my handwriting. I mean, of course it was, so, I ripped the letter of her hand and she literally jumped me for it. She grapped onto my harms and just clawed at me and tried to get it from me. I have an extremely tight grip so I've still got it, right here. It's not even that bad of a letter, but it is obviously a love letter, to a girl. My mom freaked out and we had a gigantic fight last night. It was really bad. I felt like such a disappointment, 1. For being different and disappointing my mom and dad and my brothers. 2. Because I can never do anything sufficient enough to not cause a fight. It was my dad's first day home in 2 weeks because he was out of town and I had to screw it up just like I screw everything else up. I can't be with this girl any longer for she has a girlfriend now (but we were thinking about getting together until things got complicated), however, if I do find someone that would want to be with me and I would want to be with them, I don't know how my mom would take it. It turns out she is now going to interrogate my friends before I am allowed to go out with them at night or whenever, even when some of my friends from school live forty-five minutes to an hour away. (private school…everyone lives everywhere). Okay I'm almost done I swear. Props to you if you're still reading. My mom found my xanga, it's like an online journal type thing where I just posted poems, songs and like little snippets of my day. Yeah I understand it's online, however, I didn't want anyone to read it unless I gave them the link. She indirectly threatened the link out of one of my friends and read it. It had one thing in it about liking someone and she freaked out! It turns out this one was a guy, but she didn't know that until yesterday and I don't even think she believes me. How can I live with this madness!

09-15-2005, 11:05 AM	#2
randy Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Toronto, Canada Age: 28 Posts: 469	hello , are you male or female ? Also , how old are you ? __________________ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Hesitation is like masturbation . . . in the end you're only screwing YOURSELF.

09-15-2005, 11:25 AM	#3
nuts Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2005 Age: 24 Posts: 60	thats the thing that sucks when it comes to living with your parents. now matter how old you are or how mature you have become, it is still their house and according to them, they have the right to do what they want in it, even if it means goin into your room and finding things you never wanted them to find. kind of an unfortuanate way of your mother finding out, but at least now its out in the open. dont feel like youve dissappointed anyone. you are not a failure for feeling a certain way. if you werent true to yourself you would be dissappointing yourself, which is far worse. as for the fight... well sometimes these things are inevitable. confrontation would have happened at some point or other so dont beat yourself up over it. im sorry to have to say it but your mom was wrong for what she did, especially for forcing your friend to do that. if i were you i wouldnt tell her this as it will only make your relationship at the moment worse. instead, give each other space and in time you'll be able to talk out both your feelings about this new revelation, and hers. and maybe then you'll be able to set a few boundaries regarding personal space! __________________ This above all: to thine own self be true.

09-15-2005, 12:03 PM	#6
darkblue Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Glasgow, Scotland. Gender: Male Posts: 5,085	Oh right, I actually was wondering what it was all about until I saw the forum heading. It's only natural for your mother to be concerned - she still loves you, and in time she may get used to the fact that you're happy with your sexuality. You have to understand that - as a mother - she wants to know what's going on in your life. I'm by no means justifying her actions, but sometimes it's hard to get inside a teenager's head. I think it'd make life easier for both of you - if you could sit down and reach and understanding. Start to work on your relationship and try to make it more open. That way she wouldn't have to 'invade your privacy' while still being told what's going on in her daughter's life. __________________ _________________ Aut vincere aut mori. "Whoever loves; becomes humble. Those who love have, so to speak, pawned a part of their narcissism." - Sigmund Freud Man is nothing else but that which he makes of himself. That is the first principle of existentialism - J.P. Sartre

09-15-2005, 12:34 PM	#7
BellaDonna Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: U.S. Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 6,583	My mother used to do that to me when I was a teenager and I hated it. Your sitaution is a little more complex because of your sexuality. My advice would be don't keep anything in writing or online that you don't want people to see. When I was a teenager I kept a "fake" diary so that my mother would think she was finding something and it would satisfy her. Try keeping one of these diaries- better yet- write some "real" things in it -like how much it hurts you when she goes through your things and how all you want is your parents unconditional love for the person you are. You can actually use her snooping to your advantage as a way to communicate with her. BellaDonna __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history." "Friendship should be a refuge, not an ordeal." Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone:http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

09-15-2005, 11:51 AM	#5
HoldMeTightly Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Ohio Gender: Female Age: 20 Posts: 112	actually i've been "out" for over a year now. my parents just ignore it and hope that ill get over it. and now its brought up again. and it will be pushed under the rug again by tomorrow. atleast out loud. the silence is the worst. im a female sixteen

09-15-2005, 01:04 PM	#8
Dannysgirl Offline Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Pittsburgh Age: 31 Posts: 344	My own mother did this to me up until I moved out at the age of 24, I couldn't move before then because I was at university. The reason she did it was because she's a sad pathetic cow who has no life and wanted to stick her nose into mine. If things don't improve I would suggest you try to move out, you shouldn't have to tolerate this constant invasion on your privacy.

09-15-2005, 01:14 PM	#9
BellaDonna Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: U.S. Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 6,583	It's pretty bad when someone snoops through your things- but I think it's more common in the teenage years. I agree that if someone does it when you're an adult it's pretty pathetic. But she is merely 16- so she probably can't move out. HoldMeTightly, I think your best bet is to outsmart her and not leave her anything to "find", at least while you're still dependent on your parents financially. BellaDonna __________________ "Well behaved women rarely make history." "Friendship should be a refuge, not an ordeal." Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone:http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php

09-15-2005, 02:14 PM	#10
shes2smart Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,140	Your post gave me flashbacks. When I was 16 my mother snooped in my journal. Unfortunately for me, it was shortly after I lost my virginity....which, of course, was detailed in said journal. I was put under a lot of restrictions...not allowed to go out with friends, had to account for every waking moment, and so on. What it taught me was to get very good at lying to my parents & sneaking around. It also taught me that money spent on a metal box and a combination lock was money well-spent. That locked box housed my journal for the remainder of the time I lived under their roof. My mom never said anything about the locked box....but what could she say, really? Leave your writing out so I can keep snooping? I never said anything aloud -- the yelling would be over sooner if I didn't yell back, so I never did. There's another thing I learned -- how to be incredibly stoic and show no emotion while being yelled at. But my guess is that locked box spoke volumes for me. To get through it, I just kept focused on what I needed to do to move out of there in such a way that I didn't harm myself and in such a way that I didn't run the risk of having to come back. It took until part way through college, but once I moved out that was it...that was a little over 20 years ago and I haven't had to live under their roof again. The sad thing of it all is that I don't know if parents realize that stuff like this makes their kids shut off pieces of their life to their parents. Maybe some families can overcome that shutting off over time and forge a close, mature relationship. In my case, the parts of my life that got shut off from my parents have remained shut off...to the point where I have no contact with them whatsoever anymore. For whatever it's worth, you aren't the first one to be on the receiving end of parental snooping. I don't know if you can find some comfort in that or not. If nothing else, time moves at a constant, forward pace and the day will come where you will be moving out of their house and into your own life. Keeping focused on that might help you get through when things are really awful. I know I hung onto the image of that day for several years. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"