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Thread: How can someone still affect me so much after 9 years.

  1. #1
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    How can someone still affect me so much after 9 years.

    I just don't get it. I am now married and have been for 8 years with a child. Before I got married, I had recently broken up with my ex fiance, so I was probably on the rebound when I got married, but I figured that with time things would resolve.

    Well here it is 9 years later, and my ex who is also happily married with kids contacted me 2 months ago. We started talking and very fast it turned into an intense online/phone relationship. It felt to both of us like we had never been apart. Over the years he was always in my thoughts and I found out that the feeling was mutual.
    Anyways after a month of this talking we, esp he decided we couldn't go on like this. We were both married and had families and we needed to somehow slow down the contact. Even though we knew how much we both still care for each other, we have to simply be happy with what we have.
    So now we email each other once in a while, just so we don't loose touch. This was again his idea.

    Anyways, since all this, I feel completley lost and broken all over again, like 9 years ago.

    My question to you is this? How could it be that after all these years, marriage, kids, career and more, this one person could affect me still the way he does? How could I still have such strong emotions for this person?

    I have tried to justify to myself that it is a fantasy of who I think he is and etc.. I was only 20 back then, I wouldn't seem him the same now etc.. but nothing seems to really work, because deep inside I know that I have some true ties to him. I mean my heart is shattered and every morning that I open my eyes, I don't look forward to another day of heart break. And honestly I don't know how I am ever going to get over him now as if 9 years has not worked, I don't think another 9 will help.

    I am so destroyed inside. Thanks for listening

  2. #2
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    That's quite a problem you have!

    I suspect you're in your current situation married/kids because all along you were trying to subconciously convince yourself you're happy when really it's probably just contentment.

    If you feel like this after 9 years, chances are another 9 aren't going to fix it.

    How old are your children? You obviously need to consider them in all of this, my parents broke up when I was 21 and it didn't have a massive affect on me but if they're only young it could course them real problems.

    I do think you're not being fair to your current husband if you have stronger feelings towards someone else. It really sounds like you want to be with this other guy. Do you think he feels the same deep down? It's possible it's just a case of him having got a bit bored of his existing marriage so wants to spice it up with what is thus far a fairly harmless thing.

    All I can safely say is that if my g/f or wife was going to hurt me, I'd rather it was today than tomorrow!

  3. #3
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    That's quite a problem you have

    I suspect you're in your current situation married/kids because all along you were trying to subconciously convince yourself you're happy when really it's probably just contentment.
    You are right that all along I have been content with my life but not as happy as I feel like I could've been. At every turn I have questioned my feelings for my husband.

    Thats exactly what I think that this is a problem I will never be able to resolve.

    My child is 4, so you are right he is young and I don't want to do anything to hurt him. He is the joy of my life.

    I should add that this is the second time we have been incontact in the last 8 years. I contacted him about 5 years ago and we talked and became very intense for a few months, but at the time his wife was pregnant and this time he contacted me.

    As far as my ex, we truly had a something real back then and we were very honest when we spoke this time about our feelings. I even said to him the same thing, "how could we still think of each other after all these years, marriage, kids and he said that all he can say is that apparently we never got over each other and if things were different we would definitely be together." He told me that even prior to us talking I was always an active part of him. But yet he can shut the door and just live his life. We made the mistake of telling each other that we probably still love each other and always will. He said that he realizes that what we had was so real and he knows that he will always feel like this for me but we have to be devoted to our families. I so respect him for this, and as much as I want him to tell me that he wants to be with me, I know this will not ever be. So I don't have an option to be with him, but now I just don't know how to move on with my life. I just want to be happy but I can't seem to find the path...

    So I do believe that deep down he really does have some strong feelings for me. He actually told me. IS he also bored with his marriage or something else? I don't know. I mean we both even tried to discuss this but could never really come up with an answer.


    Why does this guy affect me like this, I just don't get it!

  4. #4
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    It's very simple, you're in love him and if you try to tell yourself it's anything less than that you're not being honest.

    I really don't know what to suggest though, if there weren't kids involved I would say speak to your husband and let the chips land where they may. Your husband is an adult and will ultimately be able to deal with a breakup if that's what it comes to.

    As for your little boy, it seems inevitable that his parents are going to break up at some point so really it's up to you to decide how best to handle that. Arguably it's easier at his age as he'll grow up knowing no real difference but there's never a good time!

    If you wait too long you will make it more difficult for your husband to move on and you're potentially missing out on your own hapiness.

    My parents do not even speak to each other, they have to contact each other through solicitors. Do not let it get to that stage! Inevitably, that means don't get to the situation where you actually cheat on your husband.

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  6. #5
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    Honestly, if I were you, I'd make SURE that my feelings are real and I know excatly what is going on before taking some step like telling your husband. Its pretty normal for people to confuse feelings of "in love" with another while the problem is really the marriage has become routine. Maybe try to focus on your marriage and family before running off with someone from 9 years ago. I'd also be surprised if this guy would leave his family either. Make sure for everything. Not just you and your feelings but his too. Because you do not want to turn aroud in a year and think "what the HELL did i just do!?" When your family is gone, husband has moved on and that guy is gone.

    I'm not saying you dont love that guy and he doesnt love you. But I am just saying remember you are married. You have a family. Make sure if you give that up, its what you wanted!

    What about your husband? You dont mention him...is he a good husband? do you love him?

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
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    Well, it seems to me like something is missing from your marriage. And I think that if you want it, if you want that feeling of excitement (parts of it will nto last), then you need to figure out how to get your husband to give it to you. I think part of you misses the ex because of the excitement, the emotions he stirs up, which your husband does not, and maybe he never did. How do you get him to stir up those emotions? That's not easy. I can figure out how to seduce someone, but getting someone to seduce me is a different story. In the best situations, each person seduces the other.

    If I were you, I'd begin by trying to learn about how to seduce and then work from there. Of course, I am telling you to work with your husband.

    If you hook up with your ex, and if both of you get divorced (All BIG IFs), there is no telling how long the feelings of excitement last. They cannot remain unchanged. And there is no guarantee you will marry the ex, if all the ifs some true.

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    Quote Originally Posted by confusedashell

    I'm not saying you dont love that guy and he doesnt love you. But I am just saying remember you are married. You have a family. Make sure if you give that up, its what you wanted!
    To be honest with you, I am not planning on telling my husband, because I don't think he could deal with it. I know I couldn't deal with him telling me that after 8 years of marriage he still thinks and has always thought of his ex.
    At this point, I won't be running of with my ex because that is not an option for my ex. I hate to say it as I would probably try with my ex if I had the chance, because its something I have wanted for so long. Either way that is not a choice here.


    What about your husband? You dont mention him...is he a good husband? do you love him?
    As far as my husband goes, yes he is a good husband. I mean I have my issues with him , but the one thing I do know is that he truly loves me. I am the love of his life, and I wish that he was the love of my life, but unfortunately my ex was the love of my life and nothing seems to change that.

  9. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Beec
    there is no telling how long the feelings of excitement last. They cannot remain unchanged. And there is no guarantee you will marry the ex, if all the ifs some true.
    I have wondered that also, that even if I was with my ex after 8 years would I then get bored again. Who knows? Is my problem that I am just bored or is it truly that there is something lacking in my feelings towards my husband hence I can't forget about the ex.
    Really I would like to get partial amnesia and completely forget my ex and any feelings I may have towards him.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Beec's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kristen Mcgee
    I have wondered that also, that even if I was with my ex after 8 years would I then get bored again. Who knows? Is my problem that I am just bored or is it truly that there is something lacking in my feelings towards my husband hence I can't forget about the ex.
    Really I would like to get partial amnesia and completely forget my ex and any feelings I may have towards him.
    If you are with someone for a while, somethings have to wane. I've been with my gf for a year. Actually, our first date was one year ago tonight. We've gone through a few different ups and downs. How often we have sex changed a few times from never for the first months, to a few times a week, to a bunch of times, to less often, to more often, most of which was beyond our control. And that's just sex. We have had changes in other ways too.

    There probably is something lacking in how your husband makes you feel, and it would be easier if he were working on making you feel those things that you working on wanting to feel them.

  11. #10
    Member djedix's Avatar
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    not to be mean, but here's another reason why i'm not going to get married anytime soon
    "Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. "

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