Wedding Invitation - Am I Not His "Plus One?"

sophie75 · 08-29-2005, 03:23 PM

My boyfriend of a year and a half have had our ups and downs, but the relationship has improved steadily as time passes.

My biggest issue with him has always been his level of commitment. We do not discuss the future, marriage, kids, living together, the upcoming weekend...

He is, and always has been a last-minute man. Plans are never made. We speak on the phone often, but only see each other on Friday nights, when neither he nor I are working.

My second issue has been his not including me in his day-to-day life. He rarely, if ever, goes out with my friends....he considers those "Girl's Nights" and shies away. I've been out occasionally with his friends, but I think he prefers to be alone with me when we are out together. But, I've been out with them enough over the past 19 months so that they know of my existence. And they like me a lot. In fact, one grabbed the phone away from my BF when he was speaking to me the other day, telling me that he hopes I'll come out with them soon....that it's been too long. From what I've heard, and from my interactions with them, they think very highly of me, and like me as a girlfriend for their buddy.

Two of these best friends are getting married very soon. The first in late September, and the other in October. The BF is a groomsman at each wedding. One is local and the other is out of State. He has not mentioned either wedding to me and, when I asked him when they were, he told me the dates and then changed the subject. He has not asked me to go, and I'm afraid of what that means.

I don't think it's possible that his friends would not have given him the option of taking me, so that would mean that he doesn't want me there, which would be such a huge rejection. I just don't know how to handle it.

A part of me wants to come right out and ask him, but I think I may be afraid of the answer, or of an ensuing argument. Gah! I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance!

**annie24** · 08-29-2005, 03:29 PM

I think you should read the book, "Mars and Venus on a date" by John Gray. Yeah, I would be worried too after 1.5 years and not being asked to be a date to a wedding. The book brings up good ways to approach the subject with your bf. Yes, you two should probably talk at some point about where you two see the relationship headed.

Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

**annie24** · 08-29-2005, 03:33 PM

hmmmm.... by the way... now that I read your post again.... what is your man doing on saturday nights....? The plans at the last minute are also another red flag to me....

RayKay · 08-29-2005, 03:36 PM

Hmmm....

*Red Flag* when someone does not include you in the future plans..not just in terms of a year or two from now, but even the weekend. And when after a year and a half you only see them on Friday evenings...well, I'd say he probably is not considering you as a priority or part of your life, or part of his future plans. It just seems "off" to me. He may be a last minute planner...but fact is if you seriously want to be with someone and see them as part of your life...you make plans.

But it all depends what YOU are okay with. I dated someone whom was similar, I was always made to feel very much like a girlfriend, but never like someone whom was terribly important in their life and their future. I always was a bit nervous, and anxious as a result. Ultimately it turned out I was not included in long term planning, because he did not SEE me there in the long term. That relationship ended.

My current partner (whom was also a self-confessed last minute planner) makes sure to include me from Day One, and in the future. We plan trips together - whether a weekend to visit his family, or a week or two alone travelling, or going off together for our mountain bike racing. We invite each other out with friends, and if there are times we go out seperate, we are both aware of it, and do not "exclude" someone specifically. Our evenings are "what shall we do tonight...shall we___" - whether its doing errands or going out on a date...When he talks of one year, five or ten years ahead..I am part of that plan. He refers to our future as us being together...he is committed to helping me through school when I go back to school which is HUGE since that is a huge sacrifice on his part in my opinion.

And you know what, I feel a lot more loved, secure, comfortable and part of a PARTNERSHIP than I did before.

Have you ever talked to him about the future? Do you know if HE feels things have steadily improved? What does he view in the future occuring?

I say you make other plans for those weekends, and tell him of them. If he says "oh, but thats my buddies wedding" then decide what you want to do. But it does sound like he does not *really* want you there for whatever reason.

If this relationship is not giving you what you need and deserve and seems to be "going nowhere" then maybe it is time for you to move on and accept he is not the one for you, or not compatible with you or share the same feelings/goals for the future.

**BellaDonna** · 08-29-2005, 03:37 PM

Quote:

A part of me wants to come right out and ask him, but I think I may be afraid of the answer, or of an ensuing argument. Gah! I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance!

I would come right out and ask. It's a pretty normal question, and it would make sense that you would be his date. I've never heard of any wedding in which people in the wedding party were not allowed to bring dates.

Communication is so important in any relationship- If he begins an argument after a question as simple and harmless as that, then you might want to ask yourself what the benefits of being in this relationship are.

BellaDonna

RayKay · 08-29-2005, 03:51 PM

Like Bella said...at this point in the relationship you do have right to know what is going on!

And if he is in wedding party...I am SURE he is allowed a guest. I have only heard of one instance a guest for person in wedding party was not invited...and they were offended and did not participate (the couple was trying to "save" on dinners and so on).

Tigris · 08-29-2005, 03:54 PM

I agree with BellaDonna just come straight out and ask him.

Hope everything goes well.

Good luck.

sophie75 · 08-29-2005, 03:58 PM

If you look at some of my long ago posts, you'll probably understand why I am hesitant to bring it up. He shuts down emotionally when prodded. I'm trying to avoid that.

He is very bad about defining our relationship. I've never really been included in his extracurricular activities, and he acts as if he doesn't expect to be included in mine (Until he actually isn't included in some way...then he gets a little freaked out and wonders why I didn't invite him). If his friends are having a BBQ or a party, he goes without asking me. It bothers me, and I've said so after the fact, but he doesn't seem to get it.

I work a FT job, and then in a bar on Thurs and Saturdays. We both don't go out during the week. So we see each other on Fridays. We most often watch TV for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Our relationship is really conducted over the phone. We speak daily, anywhere from 1-4 times a day.

When I question our relationship, it inevitably turns into a "Sophie is being sensitive and needy again" conversation. I end up feeling as if I am being too pushy with him. But, if I leave him alone, he is much more attentive toward me. The less I ask for, the more I get. So the Mars/Venus thing is dead-on. He is seeing only me, we are exclusive, he tells me he loves me...but he doesn't make plans...FOR ANYTHING.

I want to go to those weddings but, more than that, I want to be INVITED to go. I want for him to want me there. All of his friends are coupled, so I don't think it's a matter of getting in some quality time with his guy friends. They will all be there with someone. Why not take me?

sophie75 · 08-29-2005, 04:02 PM

So do you think I should ask if:

1)he's taking me, or

2) ask him why he hasn't asked me to go yet?

**annie24** · 08-29-2005, 04:03 PM

*sigh* Ok, this doesn't sound very good at all. Here's the thing - you're 34 and not getting any younger. If you're looking for a husband, I don't think this guy is the one. I think after a year and a half, you two should be at the point where you are spending more than one day a week together and he's doing stuff like inviting you to BBQs and inviting you to be his date at weddings.

I don't think you're being needy or pushy for wanting to know where you stand after having invested all this time. If you're not getting what you need from him (and having read your posts, you're not!) I think it may be time to move onto someone who will be a better partner for you.

good luck

08-29-2005, 03:23 PM	#1
sophie75 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Age: 38 Posts: 56	Wedding Invitation - Am I Not His "Plus One?" My boyfriend of a year and a half have had our ups and downs, but the relationship has improved steadily as time passes. My biggest issue with him has always been his level of commitment. We do not discuss the future, marriage, kids, living together, the upcoming weekend... He is, and always has been a last-minute man. Plans are never made. We speak on the phone often, but only see each other on Friday nights, when neither he nor I are working. My second issue has been his not including me in his day-to-day life. He rarely, if ever, goes out with my friends....he considers those "Girl's Nights" and shies away. I've been out occasionally with his friends, but I think he prefers to be alone with me when we are out together. But, I've been out with them enough over the past 19 months so that they know of my existence. And they like me a lot. In fact, one grabbed the phone away from my BF when he was speaking to me the other day, telling me that he hopes I'll come out with them soon....that it's been too long. From what I've heard, and from my interactions with them, they think very highly of me, and like me as a girlfriend for their buddy. Two of these best friends are getting married very soon. The first in late September, and the other in October. The BF is a groomsman at each wedding. One is local and the other is out of State. He has not mentioned either wedding to me and, when I asked him when they were, he told me the dates and then changed the subject. He has not asked me to go, and I'm afraid of what that means. I don't think it's possible that his friends would not have given him the option of taking me, so that would mean that he doesn't want me there, which would be such a huge rejection. I just don't know how to handle it. A part of me wants to come right out and ask him, but I think I may be afraid of the answer, or of an ensuing argument. Gah! I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance!

08-29-2005, 03:36 PM	#4
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	Hmmm.... Red Flag when someone does not include you in the future plans..not just in terms of a year or two from now, but even the weekend. And when after a year and a half you only see them on Friday evenings...well, I'd say he probably is not considering you as a priority or part of your life, or part of his future plans. It just seems "off" to me. He may be a last minute planner...but fact is if you seriously want to be with someone and see them as part of your life...you make plans. But it all depends what YOU are okay with. I dated someone whom was similar, I was always made to feel very much like a girlfriend, but never like someone whom was terribly important in their life and their future. I always was a bit nervous, and anxious as a result. Ultimately it turned out I was not included in long term planning, because he did not SEE me there in the long term. That relationship ended. My current partner (whom was also a self-confessed last minute planner) makes sure to include me from Day One, and in the future. We plan trips together - whether a weekend to visit his family, or a week or two alone travelling, or going off together for our mountain bike racing. We invite each other out with friends, and if there are times we go out seperate, we are both aware of it, and do not "exclude" someone specifically. Our evenings are "what shall we do tonight...shall we___" - whether its doing errands or going out on a date...When he talks of one year, five or ten years ahead..I am part of that plan. He refers to our future as us being together...he is committed to helping me through school when I go back to school which is HUGE since that is a huge sacrifice on his part in my opinion. And you know what, I feel a lot more loved, secure, comfortable and part of a PARTNERSHIP than I did before. Have you ever talked to him about the future? Do you know if HE feels things have steadily improved? What does he view in the future occuring? I say you make other plans for those weekends, and tell him of them. If he says "oh, but thats my buddies wedding" then decide what you want to do. But it does sound like he does not really want you there for whatever reason. If this relationship is not giving you what you need and deserve and seems to be "going nowhere" then maybe it is time for you to move on and accept he is not the one for you, or not compatible with you or share the same feelings/goals for the future. __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

08-29-2005, 03:51 PM	#6
RayKay Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Middle of Canada Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 13,270	Like Bella said...at this point in the relationship you do have right to know what is going on! And if he is in wedding party...I am SURE he is allowed a guest. I have only heard of one instance a guest for person in wedding party was not invited...and they were offended and did not participate (the couple was trying to "save" on dinners and so on). __________________ [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]<--- [COLOR=sienna]Carbun the Super-Bunny[/COLOR][/B][/COLOR][/FONT] [B][FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=#556b2f][/COLOR][/FONT][/B] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=darkolivegreen][B]At the end of the day, how you imprinted on someones life and heart is the only true mark any of us leave on this earth and is what we are most proud of... [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- My Biggest Hero and Mentor: My Mum.[/SIZE][/I] [FONT=Comic Sans MS][COLOR=orange][B]Il faut d'abord durer [/B][/COLOR][/FONT][I][SIZE=1]- Ernest Hemingway[/SIZE][/I]

08-29-2005, 03:29 PM	#2
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,827	I think you should read the book, "Mars and Venus on a date" by John Gray. Yeah, I would be worried too after 1.5 years and not being asked to be a date to a wedding. The book brings up good ways to approach the subject with your bf. Yes, you two should probably talk at some point about where you two see the relationship headed. Good luck - I hope it all works out for you.

08-29-2005, 03:33 PM	#3
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,827	hmmmm.... by the way... now that I read your post again.... what is your man doing on saturday nights....? The plans at the last minute are also another red flag to me....

08-29-2005, 03:54 PM	#7
Tigris Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: England Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 3,556	I agree with BellaDonna just come straight out and ask him. Hope everything goes well. Good luck.

08-29-2005, 03:58 PM	#8
sophie75 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Age: 38 Posts: 56	If you look at some of my long ago posts, you'll probably understand why I am hesitant to bring it up. He shuts down emotionally when prodded. I'm trying to avoid that. He is very bad about defining our relationship. I've never really been included in his extracurricular activities, and he acts as if he doesn't expect to be included in mine (Until he actually isn't included in some way...then he gets a little freaked out and wonders why I didn't invite him). If his friends are having a BBQ or a party, he goes without asking me. It bothers me, and I've said so after the fact, but he doesn't seem to get it. I work a FT job, and then in a bar on Thurs and Saturdays. We both don't go out during the week. So we see each other on Fridays. We most often watch TV for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Our relationship is really conducted over the phone. We speak daily, anywhere from 1-4 times a day. When I question our relationship, it inevitably turns into a "Sophie is being sensitive and needy again" conversation. I end up feeling as if I am being too pushy with him. But, if I leave him alone, he is much more attentive toward me. The less I ask for, the more I get. So the Mars/Venus thing is dead-on. He is seeing only me, we are exclusive, he tells me he loves me...but he doesn't make plans...FOR ANYTHING. I want to go to those weddings but, more than that, I want to be INVITED to go. I want for him to want me there. All of his friends are coupled, so I don't think it's a matter of getting in some quality time with his guy friends. They will all be there with someone. Why not take me?

08-29-2005, 04:02 PM	#9
sophie75 Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Age: 38 Posts: 56	So do you think I should ask if: 1)he's taking me, or 2) ask him why he hasn't asked me to go yet?

08-29-2005, 04:03 PM	#10
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,827	sigh Ok, this doesn't sound very good at all. Here's the thing - you're 34 and not getting any younger. If you're looking for a husband, I don't think this guy is the one. I think after a year and a half, you two should be at the point where you are spending more than one day a week together and he's doing stuff like inviting you to BBQs and inviting you to be his date at weddings. I don't think you're being needy or pushy for wanting to know where you stand after having invested all this time. If you're not getting what you need from him (and having read your posts, you're not!) I think it may be time to move onto someone who will be a better partner for you. good luck