I think my girlfriend has bipolar/manic depression disorder
Oy, where do i start..
I have a girlfriend of 6 and half months now, who I believe exhibits signs of bipolar disorder as well as other emotional problems. There are many isntances of her being on top of the world for no apparent reason, and then times when she has gotten just pissed and it continues on and builds up and she becomes extremelly negative. She has "broken up" with me more times than i can count, her ex of 1.5 years who is now her friends told me it was the same with him.
At times she tells me she wants to marry me and she hopes and prays she will never screw up and lose me. And the bulk of the rest of the time she runs rampant putting me down and saying whatever she wants with absolutely no regard whatsoever for my feelinds. Then when i confront her, she ignores me and today told me i was boring her as i was telling her how she has hurt me. She then continues on to tell me she knows she needs help, but doesnt want it. No matter how hard i try or how subtle and tactful i am she pushes me away.
Tonight she asked me to shoot her, and offered me $500. She thinks shed rather die than get the help she needs. My current thoughts are to try and get her to commit to going in for a little check up on an upswing or normal period, and if that fails i have already contacted her ex and will begin disucssing tactics to notify her mother, and intervene. This is also my last resort, i am strong, and extremelly accepting. I have bent over backwards for her, i have given her all that i have, i have reached into the far reaches of my forgiveness well, to accept her back time and again. I love for her in a way she literaly doesnt understand.
shes 19 years old
lives with her mom, father deceased 1 year ago
told me she was adopted (of this i am suspicious, because of things her mother has said suggest otherwise
problems within her family
-Sister: Much older sister was a striaght A student who rebeled, did drugs, drank, slept around, now married with two kids in a nice house, but now pretty much an airhead (from heavy drug usage i assume) My girlfriend has a STRONG dislike (to put it mildly) for her sister.
-Brother: dropped out of college, started a succesful business and got married to a woman who is by several accounts a major *female dog* had 1 kid from a previous marriage and then 4 others with the brother, the oldest being almost my girlfriends age. The wife recently left (and has in the past, but this time its final). Girlfriends pretty much hates the wife
-Dad: i never knew him, but from what i hear he was the type to pretty much do whatever he damn well pleased. he became obese and died of it eventually. Mom often compares her to her dad.
-Mom: reserved, very short woman. the type whod take orders from the husband and let him get his way
has cut and starved herself in the past
hates he body, she is a bit overweight and thinks her breasts are too small
has had MANY boyfriends in the past, several longtime relationships of which only two she says she truly loved (me and ex-fiance, the bf of 1.5 years) I took her virginity (and she mine) however, before me all she pretty much ever had done was been fingered
Apparently she dated guys in highschool who were networked, to be popular. (now i am pretty much the only friend she makes face to face contact with) She has regrets of her past of which she told me include an ex who once fingered her infront of his friends, and letting some guy she didnt really know finger her to get back at an ex. Shes been cheated on, and i *think* cheated on someone else. (i think simultaniously? cause/effect of finding out?)
She is a very vengeful person, doesnt take *crap* from anyone, but cant stand to take it. She has a temper that turns on a dime and apparently is prone to addiction (has very few chances to drink, but does when she can..drank her fathers beer after he passed to help her through depression) aswell as other things as small as Starbucks. (doesnt smoke though)
She was a daddy's girl (although they'd often butt heads) and he pretty much gave her anything she wanted and she was the spoiled baby born almost 20 years after the other two siblings. Hit her rough when dad died and the money dissappeared. Now lives on a shoestring budget and recently took up being a work-a-holic paying off a car and trying to afford college.
Also like to think she is an open person who speaks her mind, but i have found few secrets in her brain which she would not even divulge to me like her avoiding religion, which she told me was "personal"... and why she doesnt want help. I did however, get her to confess that she does put down others, because she hates who she is. She thinks she is a screw up who always makes people unhappy.
When asked she said she prefers a life of misery, frustration, and eventually death to going in for help.
I pretty much know what i have to do, but i am afraid to do it. I dont want to lose her, but i was hoping for insight/support/advice. Resources would be great. I refuse to turn my back on her even though it would be so easy to find someone who is more attractive, more affectionate, and "normal" who wont put me through the crap she does. I will do whatever it takes, if that means dragging her kicking and screaming into therapy (which would break my heart and be harder than anythign i've done before) or if all else fails stick by her side as i watch her destroy herself and probably me and do what i have to do to stick by herside and help her to the bitter end. (also harder than anything i have ever had to do.. the emotional ups and downs rock my inner being like a tiny tug boat trying to pull a massive oil frigate through a hurricane)
Anways, im cutting it off here cause as is, its too much more most people t o want to read.
Any help is apprectiated! (even an encouraging word)
I think since she's just had a rough life she's just sick of it all and wants to die.
But, it seems as if she has bi-polar, you should take her in for a blood test and see if it comes up positive.
It sounds like she's had it very rough, this drives people to the edge, it's hard. But as Metallica guy said, perhaps you could talk about the issue with her -tactfully!- and perhaps see a doctor.
Most importantly, -you- have to be there for her man. However, this does not mean put up with insults and crap. Let her know you don't appriciate it when she gets verbally abusive, do this calmly, because if she does have bi-polar disorder, that could make her upset.
Your post reminds me of my ex girlfriend completley. As for my ex girlfriends she had MANY emotional problems with bulimia, depression, anxiety, and at time I thought she even had bipolar disorder which she dismissed to me and said she did not.. but even today I still question it. One thing you need to understand, above all.. is that you can not be superman. You can not save this girl from her troubles and you can not make her life any better then what it is. The only thing that you can do is be there for her, as a person and as a friend. It seems like at this point of her life that she can't have a steady and postive relationship because of all the things that she is dealing with. The other thing that you need to understand is that she might NEVER beable to have that relationship with you that you are really seeking. Even thought your feelings are really strong there are NO gurantees in life that she will beable to give you what you really want out of a relationship and be the person you want her to be.
I made this mistake before. My ex g/f had MAJOR emotional problems and I took it upon myself to help her out and try to save her from her misery. And you know what?? I failed, i couldn't be that person.. but you need to understand that no one could be. She can only help herself, and you can only be there for support. IF she doesn't want help then that is her decision and you can not really do anything about it except be there for her. But understand that if she doesn't get help then she won't get any better. Overall, what I am basically saying to you is that you don't have the power to control and help her in the way you see it, she has to find that strength withiin herself to make her better and understand that she needs help on recovery. Don't make the mistake I did and put it on your pride, because your only going to be depressed for the things that you couldn't do for her.
Today, 01:35 AM
And to tell you of the outcome with my ex.. I gave up on her.. It wasn't something that I was proud of doing, but I hurt to much to see her how the way she was. Always controlling and never satisfied. She had problems with her life that was beyond my understanding, and only letting myself fade away from her was I able to see that I couldn't control the outcome of her situation.. she might always be that way but it is her choice to get the help she needs.
Well I have talked to her ex and we came up with the following:
1) giving up is not an option
2) we have to convince her mom and get her in on it
- agree'd on a face to face confrontation
3) she must NOT know or we risk losing everything
4) its a giant **** sandwhich and we're all going to have to take a bite
Im going to research agencies that can help us, possibly a counselor of some sorts to help us at our intervention
I understand that you really want to help this girl, that is a great thing to do. I did the same thing with my ex, told her to go to a clinic, pshycologist, and I even thought about telling her mom, which I probably thought she even knew. But no matter how much you do things for her.. how much information you find out, how many people you talk to, it's still all up to her to get the help she needs. Don't ignore what I'm telling you because you might be setting yourself up for failure. But then again it is worth a try by saving someone's life without them even realizing it. Just understand one thing, she doesn't see the same thing you do. She is so caught up with her own problems that your importance isn't what you think at the moment. In other words, do this for her as a person.. not as a boyfriend, because she can't see the same things you do because of the condition that she has, and she might never beable to.
I hear you man, I know exactly where you are coming from, but I have to face the facts: essentially im damned if i do damned if i dont. Im just picking the higher path.
I have hope and prayer and many resources at my disposal to carefully plan this operation. I know some of the possible risks:
1) She catches us, and cuts off all contact
2) Her mom is not convinced that her only baby girl might be loco, turns us out, in turn results in #1
3) We convince the mom, gf comes home, runs out.. we lose her
4) She goes along with it, tests possitive, kills herself/runs away/who knows what
5) At any point in time of these stages she makes me and my aids and abbetters the target of all her fury and malice (of which there is no lack) causing severe physical/emotional/mental damage to us. Goes on in life hating us
6) The Murphy's factor: something we never even though of goes wrong, we fail, game over.
7) Did i mention she has 2 handguns and a shotgun with which she is quite proficient
8.) She works at a law firm...
My hope is we can hit the mom before she knows, if the mom is turned to our side that should be half the battle. Finding a 4th party.. could be extremelly beneficial.. hopefully a neutral 3rd party mediator, hopefully from a non-profit type counselor to help us out. Ideally, i go with mediator guy, pick up the ex (quite an intelligent and nice fellow), we hit the moms house while gf is at work for the day... preferably early in the morning. We come prepared: materials on various disorders, documentation of her disorderly behavior, and we make an intense presentation to the mom (i'll probably cry :/ ) Mom is convinced. We lie in wait at home for her (i hide the car) She walks in, we spring out of hiding and surround her. We hit her from all sides with our emotional testimonies, 3rd party guy says "hey its ok blah blah blah" gives the info saying its all going to be okay. Hopefully she calms down, we drive her to get tested. She gets treated and lives a happy rest of her life.
will it happen that way? well theres a 97% chance it wont, BUT I see no other way. I cant turn my back on her, i just cant...
Lifeiscash hit everything on the head. Recently, I had to do the same thing with a girl I really cared about. For God's sake, I've never had a connection like that before in my life, but I woke up two weeks ago and new I was done, finished with her. Being with her twisted me up inside and was bringing me down. She had major psychological and emotional issues. That was the first and last time I'll get involved with a woman like that. Looking back there were red flags popping up all over the place from the moment we first started hanging out. Next time, I'm out the door... quickly. I've realized I can't help those that fail to see their problems.
DarknHandsome, listen man you really want to be there for her. That's a given, but it sounds like she isn't there at all for you. How can she in the state she's in? She probably never will. That's a fact, I know it's hard to digest, but I'm just trying to be brutally honest. I'd love to hear some replies from people on here that have gone through or have known someone who's gone through a similar situation as us three have. The question I want to ask would be, did everything work itself out over time and life became peachy? I can answer that already, no. Or did the relationship end, the person got help, fixed their problems then came banging down your door wanting to get back together? Answer, zilch. Or did the person get help, remedied the problems and still want to be with you? Answer, nada.
Please don't take offense to what I've said. You don't know this, but my brother is a bi-polar, paranoid schizophrenic. He's in a mental institution. One of the hardest things in my life I've had to deal with is that I've lost my brother. He was a certifiable genius and the most gifted person I've ever met. After he gets help and gets back on his feet, he's still never going to be the person I once knew. He'll be different. If she's bi-polar or a manic depressive that's something that doesn't go away. It's with her for life. Think about for a second, for her entire life. Anyway, that's my two cents. Take it to heart and if you really want to help this girl you might have to break off the relationship so she doesn't have that added pressure, become her best friend and see what happens. When she wants help, she'll ask and she'll do everything in her power to get it. Until then, no matter what you say or do, all you're really doing is just standing by and watching. Hell, she may even turn things completely around and tell you she doesn't have a problem. It's you that has the problem. I had to come to terms with that and I cared about this woman so much I couldn't do it anymore. The pain was all too much for me to take.
Guess what, she kept all leaving messages on my phone and telling me she didn't want to write us off. Well, I went to pick up my things yesterday. I didn't want to talk, but she did and guess what? All the same things came up again. I saw her in a different light and was relieved that she's going to be someone else's problem and not mine. Don't get me wrong, I've been feeling down and have broken down into tears, but I'm starting to get something back that I was starting to lose, my sanity, my happiness. Take care friend and I hope she'll let you help her get through what she needs to.
In Los Angeles, there are never any stars to see, even in Hollywood-me
lifeiscash and astralholic said it better than I probably could, since they have both been there. I hope you do not dismiss their experiences too quickly, as I would say they are very right, and learned the hard way.
I advise this I feel to a lot of young men on here....you CANNOT be the knight in shining armour. The problem with being the knight? You will constantly be rescuing, until she resents you in a weird twist of fate, because she no longer has her own power anymore. Often, they go to find new knights as you give up your own power to be there for her, and never get anything in return. Often, you end up being the one who is emotionally abused and manipulated, often even verbal - but you forgive it...why? Because "she can't help it". But slowly - it will eat away your self esteem, your self-worth, your confidence...and when it does, and you are no longer the "strong one" she will be gone. And it will happen that you lose your strength - because as soon as you put too much into someone else, with nothing positive in return, you start to lose it.
Don't ignore the red flags....that short temper, those lies about her past, those are not minor things you should overlook. I am not denying she had a tough life and some sad experiences, but that does not excuse her taking them out on you, or bringing you down at the same time and putting YOU down with her. She is suicidal, destructive and NOT healthy.
Ultimately, she has to change things for herself - not because you convince her too, or because you promise you will always be there...she needs to recognize in herself her behaviours, her lies, her cruelty to you and perhaps to others, her low self esteem and destructive behaviours, and her mental problems. As a friend, you can be supportive she gets that help, but you cannot rescue her, and I would be VERY careful about committing to be with her no matter what - because at this point that is not a promise you can make. If this is a mental disease, it will be there forever. Meds may help at times, but it takes more than meds to heal and she needs to invest in herself to do that. You can't force her into therapy, as it won't work...I promise...she needs to make that choice herself.
I have seen relationships like this, with someone whom is intent on destroying themselves and everything in their life along with it. And often, they succeed in doing so. Be very careful, know when it is time to draw the line and move on, leaving behind numbers for her to get help but realizing you are not her saviour.
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