Caught.. between two men whom I love dearly.

grasping · 08-04-2005, 02:50 AM

I am married to a wonderful man. He treats me like a princess. He gives me love notes, flowers, cooks, cleans, and treats my children from a previous marriage like they were his own. We have been married for a year and a half. Our only disagreement is that there is never enough money - we have few bills, but even those are paid at the last minute after a week of worrying over where the money will come from.

On the one hand, I feel I should be the happiest woman in the world. Other women wish their husbands were so sweet. I could never ask for a better father figure for my children, for a more romantic, thoughtful, loving husband.

On the other, I am miserable. He's more like my best friend. I have no desire to snuggle or kiss him. I go through the motions, but that is all they are. I feel that I have become lazy because I never have to do anything. If I start to get up to get a coke or a snack, he's jumping up to ask what he can get for me. I used to enjoy domestic duties - cooking and cleaning and such. He does those things, now.

I find that I crave an ex-love of mine, someone who would happily take me as his wife today if it were possible. I find myself thinking of how the kids could do this or that or how I wouldn't be scrimping and saving all the time. I miss and share his belief that if I am staying home with the children, I cook and clean. I want to take care of someone at times, myself.

To show how understanding my husband is, he knows of my ex and knows that I still have feelings for him. He is perfectly accepting. Did I mention that my husband thinks no other woman is worth looking at now that we are together?

I..I don't know what to do. I could stay where I am but I will always crave more and I fear that a few more years of being treated like a princess may drive me mad. I could go to my ex and leave the spoiling behind. He would be a good husband but it would be a more realistic situation where we care for each other, no one would be on a pedestal. But then, would I feel I missed out if there were no daily notes, no weekly flowers?

Whatever decision I make will burn a bridge. I just.. I'm very conflicted. On top of this, I think of how it will affect the children to be moved from stepdad one to stepdad two. But then again, while their wellbeing is important, isn't mine? I am juggling so many thoughts. I have reached the point where I am simply not happy.

I ponder from so many angles. If I didn't have children, what would I do? I would go to my ex and hope for the best. However, with children I consider the reprecussions of the move, of the new father figure, of them missing my husband, of what if I did leave and my husband went psychotic and left them without a mother. No he isn't violent, but who knows if I leave?

I can't sleep, I can't focus. I've no one to discuss this with. My family doesn't know the situation, they just want the children settled and cared for. My exhusband, the children's father, he is just looking for an excuse to start trouble which then leads to yet other scenarios - what if I move out and he takes the children from me because I am 'unstable' or something?

Please.. help me. Share your thoughts. Have you been in this situation? I need help. Thank you in advance.

**melrich** · 08-04-2005, 03:01 AM

Life is full of "what ifs".

Why would you leave someone who seems wonderful, has accepted your children as his own etc etc, for the unknown.

Yes, think of your kids and your husband first inthis situation. You cannot divorce them from your decision.

Tell your husband you are missing the chores etc. Work something out.

Skout41 · 08-04-2005, 03:04 AM

Have you tryed talking to your husband and telling him that you dont like being treated like a princess all the time ? Maybe tell him that you would like to do the dishes or cook dinner or even better yet you could do it together. Tell him that you would like to take over some of the duties around the house and if he is as understanding as you say he is then im sure he will graciously step aside for a few days. As for the losing interest in him and going through the motions, i dont really have an answer for that. Just try to remember what made you first love him and why you decided to mary him. There is no real solution for your' fnancial situation. Maybe one of u could pick up a second part time job ? Hope I helped a little bit !

Skout41

asdf · 08-04-2005, 03:24 AM

It's a classic condition of a guy becoming too nice and a girl taking him for granted and becoming desensitised to his sweetness.

This is exactly why you really need to make a girl earn your affection rather than just giving it away for free. Supply/demand rules, if you get a lot of something, it's worth less. If you make her earn it, she'll keep on wanting more.

sonjam · 08-04-2005, 03:57 AM

You are truely complaining with a white bread under your arm - is a popular saying around here. It means you have everything, and yet you still complain.

I don't need to tell you how 95 % of the women in this world would kill for what you have, and yet you are not happy.

Let me say something about the ex. There is a reason why they call past loves EXES - it means it is past. If he's so perfect why is he the EX? It obviously did not work out a previous time, why would it work out now?

This is a wild guess, but I think you may be suffering from an emotional problem. Some people grow up in a certain way, and then when they are in a different environment, they don't know how to deal with it, they simply feel like a fish out of water. They are uncomfortable, and don't know how to deal with it, because it is not something they have previously experienced.

My suggestion to you: Before ruining your own life, that of your husband and children by making the wrong choices, how about a few sessions with a therapist? You know, they are wonderfull people, and they sometimes give you clarity on your situation, like no other people can. I don't know if you noticed, but on the 9th until about the 15th we will have two guest speakers on our site, to help people with their problems, if you can't afford a therapist, how about directing your problem to one of them, and see if they have any constructive feedback?

All I want to tell you is be cautious, and think really long and hard before you make a move.

dpressedone89 · 08-04-2005, 04:34 AM

to be honest i think you should stay with the guy your with, he loves you and treats you right, and does all those little things to make you feel special.you've already been with your ex, it didnt work. i dont think you should throw away what you have on a gamble at something that already failed once, just my oppinion, the decision is yours to make
-stitches

brando · 08-04-2005, 06:46 AM

grasping,
I feel you may need to look within yourself for happiness. It is so easy to get caught up in an ex lover or a new lover to fill the void within you. Chances are you can leave your husband and run to your ex, and within time you will long for your ex usband, because you seem to be looking outside yourself for fufillment. This never works.

Did you ever hear of communication??? Well it is time you have some good talks with your husband. I don't understand the way you feel, going through the motions as you say, but maybe you already decided romanticly your husband doesnt compare to this ex. And this is why you long for the ex. Funny how we can all trick ourselves in believing something that isnt even true.

If you dont like being treated so well, (makes no sense ) then tell your husband... tell him you will do somethings for yourself, him, and your kids. And he doesnt have to do it all, or he will one day feel unappreciated and taken advantage of..

best of luck.

Cecelius · 08-04-2005, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by asdf

It's a classic condition of a guy becoming too nice and a girl taking him for granted and becoming desensitised to his sweetness.

This is exactly why you really need to make a girl earn your affection rather than just giving it away for free. Supply/demand rules, if you get a lot of something, it's worth less. If you make her earn it, she'll keep on wanting more.

Does the original post not confirm that (1) marriage is a dead end for a man, even if you're chumpy enough to give them what they [think they] want and (2) generally, it is better for the man's success to treat women poorly?

That's what the young folks take from stories like this...

Day_Walker · 08-04-2005, 11:28 AM

I see this situation as your problem because even though you got married to this guy you have no idea of what you actually want. You are going to have to find the answer that you are looking for.. It sounds like you were overwelmed when you got married to this person because you still dont know yourself and look what has happened to your situation. You need to do some thinking on this subject and come up with your own conclusions.

**BellaDonna** · 08-04-2005, 11:29 AM

Quote:

I feel you may need to look within yourself for happiness. It is so easy to get caught up in an ex lover or a new lover to fill the void within you. Chances are you can leave your husband and run to your ex, and within time you will long for your ex usband, because you seem to be looking outside yourself for fufillment. This never works.

AMEN. That's exactly what I thought when I read it. I think there are many many other issues here. I think you should try counseling first, before you throw it all away.

Also you need to realize, you are WORTHY of being treated well. But you should also RETURN the favor. Start doing nice things for him. Then you won't feel like it's all one-sided. A princess is worthless without a prince. Right now your husband is in the category of castle slave and you need to start treating him more like a prince. IT will add value back into your relationship.

BellaDonna

08-04-2005, 02:50 AM	#1
grasping Offline Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 3	Caught.. between two men whom I love dearly. I am married to a wonderful man. He treats me like a princess. He gives me love notes, flowers, cooks, cleans, and treats my children from a previous marriage like they were his own. We have been married for a year and a half. Our only disagreement is that there is never enough money - we have few bills, but even those are paid at the last minute after a week of worrying over where the money will come from. On the one hand, I feel I should be the happiest woman in the world. Other women wish their husbands were so sweet. I could never ask for a better father figure for my children, for a more romantic, thoughtful, loving husband. On the other, I am miserable. He's more like my best friend. I have no desire to snuggle or kiss him. I go through the motions, but that is all they are. I feel that I have become lazy because I never have to do anything. If I start to get up to get a coke or a snack, he's jumping up to ask what he can get for me. I used to enjoy domestic duties - cooking and cleaning and such. He does those things, now. I find that I crave an ex-love of mine, someone who would happily take me as his wife today if it were possible. I find myself thinking of how the kids could do this or that or how I wouldn't be scrimping and saving all the time. I miss and share his belief that if I am staying home with the children, I cook and clean. I want to take care of someone at times, myself. To show how understanding my husband is, he knows of my ex and knows that I still have feelings for him. He is perfectly accepting. Did I mention that my husband thinks no other woman is worth looking at now that we are together? I..I don't know what to do. I could stay where I am but I will always crave more and I fear that a few more years of being treated like a princess may drive me mad. I could go to my ex and leave the spoiling behind. He would be a good husband but it would be a more realistic situation where we care for each other, no one would be on a pedestal. But then, would I feel I missed out if there were no daily notes, no weekly flowers? Whatever decision I make will burn a bridge. I just.. I'm very conflicted. On top of this, I think of how it will affect the children to be moved from stepdad one to stepdad two. But then again, while their wellbeing is important, isn't mine? I am juggling so many thoughts. I have reached the point where I am simply not happy. I ponder from so many angles. If I didn't have children, what would I do? I would go to my ex and hope for the best. However, with children I consider the reprecussions of the move, of the new father figure, of them missing my husband, of what if I did leave and my husband went psychotic and left them without a mother. No he isn't violent, but who knows if I leave? I can't sleep, I can't focus. I've no one to discuss this with. My family doesn't know the situation, they just want the children settled and cared for. My exhusband, the children's father, he is just looking for an excuse to start trouble which then leads to yet other scenarios - what if I move out and he takes the children from me because I am 'unstable' or something? Please.. help me. Share your thoughts. Have you been in this situation? I need help. Thank you in advance.

08-04-2005, 03:04 AM	#3
Skout41 Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 30	Have you tryed talking to your husband and telling him that you dont like being treated like a princess all the time ? Maybe tell him that you would like to do the dishes or cook dinner or even better yet you could do it together. Tell him that you would like to take over some of the duties around the house and if he is as understanding as you say he is then im sure he will graciously step aside for a few days. As for the losing interest in him and going through the motions, i dont really have an answer for that. Just try to remember what made you first love him and why you decided to mary him. There is no real solution for your' fnancial situation. Maybe one of u could pick up a second part time job ? Hope I helped a little bit ! Skout41 __________________ "love is infinite there is no end to it, so where does TRUE love start on the never ending scale?"-Me Wrestler4ever76

08-04-2005, 03:24 AM	#4
asdf Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 770	It's a classic condition of a guy becoming too nice and a girl taking him for granted and becoming desensitised to his sweetness. This is exactly why you really need to make a girl earn your affection rather than just giving it away for free. Supply/demand rules, if you get a lot of something, it's worth less. If you make her earn it, she'll keep on wanting more. __________________ -asdf

08-04-2005, 03:57 AM	#5
sonjam Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: SA Gender: Female Age: 37 Posts: 978	You are truely complaining with a white bread under your arm - is a popular saying around here. It means you have everything, and yet you still complain. I don't need to tell you how 95 % of the women in this world would kill for what you have, and yet you are not happy. Let me say something about the ex. There is a reason why they call past loves EXES - it means it is past. If he's so perfect why is he the EX? It obviously did not work out a previous time, why would it work out now? This is a wild guess, but I think you may be suffering from an emotional problem. Some people grow up in a certain way, and then when they are in a different environment, they don't know how to deal with it, they simply feel like a fish out of water. They are uncomfortable, and don't know how to deal with it, because it is not something they have previously experienced. My suggestion to you: Before ruining your own life, that of your husband and children by making the wrong choices, how about a few sessions with a therapist? You know, they are wonderfull people, and they sometimes give you clarity on your situation, like no other people can. I don't know if you noticed, but on the 9th until about the 15th we will have two guest speakers on our site, to help people with their problems, if you can't afford a therapist, how about directing your problem to one of them, and see if they have any constructive feedback? All I want to tell you is be cautious, and think really long and hard before you make a move. __________________ About Kids... Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable. The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? A common enemy...

08-04-2005, 04:34 AM	#6
dpressedone89 Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: redwood city california Gender: Male Age: 20 Posts: 1,012	to be honest i think you should stay with the guy your with, he loves you and treats you right, and does all those little things to make you feel special.you've already been with your ex, it didnt work. i dont think you should throw away what you have on a gamble at something that already failed once, just my oppinion, the decision is yours to make -stitches __________________ ~as you read this your life is ending, second after second you are wasting your life.stop living in fear, your time is limited, do something, write a book, paint a picture, start a fight, do something. because this is all coming to an end~

08-04-2005, 03:01 AM	#2
melrich Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2003 Gender: Male Posts: 8,498	Life is full of "what ifs". Why would you leave someone who seems wonderful, has accepted your children as his own etc etc, for the unknown. Yes, think of your kids and your husband first inthis situation. You cannot divorce them from your decision. Tell your husband you are missing the chores etc. Work something out.

08-04-2005, 06:46 AM	#7
brando Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: South Of No North Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 1,623	grasping, I feel you may need to look within yourself for happiness. It is so easy to get caught up in an ex lover or a new lover to fill the void within you. Chances are you can leave your husband and run to your ex, and within time you will long for your ex usband, because you seem to be looking outside yourself for fufillment. This never works. Did you ever hear of communication??? Well it is time you have some good talks with your husband. I don't understand the way you feel, going through the motions as you say, but maybe you already decided romanticly your husband doesnt compare to this ex. And this is why you long for the ex. Funny how we can all trick ourselves in believing something that isnt even true. If you dont like being treated so well, (makes no sense ) then tell your husband... tell him you will do somethings for yourself, him, and your kids. And he doesnt have to do it all, or he will one day feel unappreciated and taken advantage of.. best of luck. __________________ Forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us. - The Lord's Prayer

08-04-2005, 11:28 AM	#9
Day_Walker Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: California Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 4,881	I see this situation as your problem because even though you got married to this guy you have no idea of what you actually want. You are going to have to find the answer that you are looking for.. It sounds like you were overwelmed when you got married to this person because you still dont know yourself and look what has happened to your situation. You need to do some thinking on this subject and come up with your own conclusions. __________________ "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it the superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason." Thomas Paine "The wise man questions others wisdom because he questions his own, the foolish man because it is different from his own." Leo Stein