My wife wants to separate

NH · 07-29-2005, 01:34 PM

We've been married 11 years - most of them very happily. In the last few years we've had a run of bad luck, starting with my wife losing a baby. After this we had problems but she became pregnant again and we had our third girl. R is now 3 years old and very demanding/naughty taking lots of our time. As well as this we've had a house sale fall through, my wife had a serious illness, my mum had a cancer scare and most recently major changes with my work life have caused me massive stress and worry. My wife now says that she is bored, wants more in her life and that doesn't include me being married to her. She says she still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I am still madly love her and can't contemplate life without her. She is now chatting to men online and says she couldn't say that she wouldn't "wander" in the future. I will do anything to get her back to how she used to be and be the happily married couple we once were. WHAT CAN I DO??

**Hope75** · 07-29-2005, 01:46 PM

Have you considered counseling with her?

With all the stresses going on in your lives, it's not so strange that she is having thoughts of 'escaping' to a new life, but I wonder how much she has thought this through.

I would suggest counselling to her, and if she is not willing, possibly a trial seperation to get her thoughts together. I am not really for sperating to try and work a relationship out, but as a last ditch effort just to let her see what she's missing, it may be all you can do. Just remember not to sacrafice your self respect and dignity if you do have a trial seperation. If she starts to see other people that's your cue to start filing for divorce.

Best of luck, I'm sorry this is happening to you.

NH · 07-29-2005, 02:01 PM

Yes I've suggested counselling - she doesn't see what good it would do but hasn't completely rejected it. I've thought about moving out for a bit and giving her space but the problem is I work from home and moving out would need serious movement of computers filing cabinets etc. which makes it seem too permanent. The other problem is we have a holiday booked next week and she wants us to still go on it - but she is so cold to me most of the time .... except when she suddenly becomes the old K she was (usually in the bedroom). I know she is still contacting people taking secretive phone calls etc. I can hardly work - don't eat or sleep anymore and just keep breaking down all over the place - so far I've managed to avoid it in front of the kids and family but I dont know how long I'll manage that for. I think any self respect I once had disappeared a while ago - I know its the wrong thing to do but I've begged...pleaded and pleaded - I feel awful and about a millimetre tall but after all that I love her completely (she is the only girlfriend/love/wife I have have ever had or want)

OceanEyes · 07-29-2005, 02:09 PM

She's testing you. I truly believed that if your wife wanted to leave you and is saying 'enough is enough', that she wouldn't be giving you these opportunities to stop her. She's threatening separation and possible infidelity because she wants things to change in a big way - and deep down she's probably hoping that you'll change them. It's a very selfish and immature way to get what you want, but after reading your post, I feel that this may be the case. Here's why:

- Flaunting online conversations with strange men in your face. Why else would she do this unless she's saying 'WAKE UP" - we need a change!

- Telling you outright that she's "bored". That's a very literal clue.

If you really want to make this work, I think you're really going to have to step up and show her that you mean it. If severe stress and worry, issues with kids, plus health and family issues have taken over your marriage for a long time now, she's obviously going to feel like there's something "missing".

If I were in your position, I'd arrange for a holiday that is just the two of you, preferably to a nice resort somewhere (if you can afford it). Sometimes all it takes is getting away, having a complete change of scenery, not hearing screaming children every minute of the day, really helps to put life into perspective. Your wife may feel that she's taken on a role of the "caregiver", trying to absorb everyone's stress (yours and your kids), thus neglecting her own needs and wants. Hence, extreme boredom.

If the holiday idea doesn't suit you, your budget or your lifestyles, then try to think of something else that is drastic. It sounds like she wants you to be "the man" and take a bit of control. It may sound primitive to you, but there's a lot of truth to it. Do something that is completely out-of-character for you. She'll listen.

SkyFire · 07-29-2005, 02:11 PM

Well, this might sound harsh.

If she wants to separate, she doesent love you anymore. At least not in the way you want her to.

Keep your dignity man. Stop begging her. It will make things worse.

Dont move out of your own home to give her space. If she's already chatting to other guys, she might as well be screwing them.

She can screw you over big time in divorce court because it is majorly in favor of women now.

This is beyond my area of expertice, but I think you should move on with your life.

lonelyandblue · 07-29-2005, 03:47 PM

It is so nice to hear a man say that about his wife. Have you tried "dating" her? Where you get a babysitter for your girl (s) and go out for a night on the town with your wife? And is life in the bedroom routine? Maybe you could spice it up a bit?? You could buy a tantric sex book or something?

DN · 07-29-2005, 04:09 PM

The advice you have received about repairing the marriage is good advice and you should follow it. But you should also suggest that she can also do something to stop being bored in the marriage. It takes two to make marriage work so she should be doing as much to entertain you as you should for her. Otherwise, you will start to feel resentful that you are having to do all the work and effort while she sits back and takes without giving.

Shidoshi · 07-29-2005, 07:54 PM

Quote:

My wife now says that she is bored, wants more in her life and that doesn't include me being married to her. She says she still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.

What a contradicting statement, she already HAS hurt you.

Quote:

I will do anything to get her back to how she used to be and be the happily married couple we once were. WHAT CAN I DO??

I'm sorry to say I don't really think there's anything you can do. It will only work if you BOTH want it to. If she's bored why hasn't she suggested anything to make things more exciting? Is that purely YOUR job? You have to entertain HER? I think she's been dropping hints about infidelity to soften the blow when she actually takes action. It's funny, if a man were to behave this way he'd be called every name in the book and trashed to no end. I say you shock her a little and tell her you've been thinking about other women, see what kind of reaction you get. Gauging her response might be a good place to start.

Beec · 07-29-2005, 10:24 PM

OK, one more post tonight, and then I may go back into hibernation.

Your wife sounds like she wants out. She has hurt you. She does not seem to feel like she loves you. You want her to stay with you, and you will do anything to get her to stay. I hope she does not know how you feel.

OK, first, agree with her, in almost everything she does. No fighting about anything.

Second, go out, much more than you ever have. Don't stay at home being her patsy. Go out and get a date.

What you need to realize is that you being wuss and saying you will do whatever you want will never keep her there. This is probably part of what bores her. Tell her you are leaving, and she may begin to change her mind.

Finally, you need to begin to read and understand. I would suggest taking a look at [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] or exback.com and I might read some books like "The Art of Seduction."

If you want her back, you need to make her want to be with you, which means you need to figure out how she wants to feel. And that does not just mean how she thinks or says she wants to feel.

confusedashell · 07-31-2005, 02:54 PM

You're wife isnt out the door yet. Women are odd creatures. They wont say things directly, they talk in riddles half the time. I dont think she is ready to go just yet, but this could be the last cry for help from her.
You've both obviously had a hell of a lot of uppheval and stress the last few years. That can manifest itself on your marriage and make people think the marriage/spouse is the problem for it all. I'm no doctor, but thats how I see it. You gotta show her how loved and wanted she is.
Dont listen to people saying its over, move on. You have a family together. If she really wanted out, she'd be gone by now. She'd have just left.

Sounds like all the upheval has just taken over. You need to get back in control of your marriage. Maybe start by doing some spontaneous and nice things for your wife, like make her some buddle bath, candles all the dressings. get rid of the kids for the weekend, when shes done with the bath have some dinner made, wine...go away for the weekend somewhere nice. I truly believe that so many marriages just die because one person feels like its all gone, the other just either accepts the situation and doesnt do anything or else wallows in self pity and despair. If you want the marriage to work then make it work. Let her see you making the effort, let her know you love her and want to fix your problems. No one has cheated, theres no big personality problems. Its just lack of martial maintance. She will come around. I dont think shes out of there yet, sounds more like what the other poster said, shes testing you, crying out for help and attention.

And worst case, after all that she wants to leave. Then you can walk away knowing you did you bit when it mattered. You saw the problem and tried to fix it as best you could. If she doesnt come and want to fix it, then so be it. You did your bit.

07-29-2005, 01:34 PM	#1
NH Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 3	My wife wants to separate We've been married 11 years - most of them very happily. In the last few years we've had a run of bad luck, starting with my wife losing a baby. After this we had problems but she became pregnant again and we had our third girl. R is now 3 years old and very demanding/naughty taking lots of our time. As well as this we've had a house sale fall through, my wife had a serious illness, my mum had a cancer scare and most recently major changes with my work life have caused me massive stress and worry. My wife now says that she is bored, wants more in her life and that doesn't include me being married to her. She says she still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me. I am still madly love her and can't contemplate life without her. She is now chatting to men online and says she couldn't say that she wouldn't "wander" in the future. I will do anything to get her back to how she used to be and be the happily married couple we once were. WHAT CAN I DO??

07-29-2005, 01:46 PM	#2
Hope75 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: kitteh ville Gender: Female Age: 33 Posts: 12,512	Have you considered counseling with her? With all the stresses going on in your lives, it's not so strange that she is having thoughts of 'escaping' to a new life, but I wonder how much she has thought this through. I would suggest counselling to her, and if she is not willing, possibly a trial seperation to get her thoughts together. I am not really for sperating to try and work a relationship out, but as a last ditch effort just to let her see what she's missing, it may be all you can do. Just remember not to sacrafice your self respect and dignity if you do have a trial seperation. If she starts to see other people that's your cue to start filing for divorce. Best of luck, I'm sorry this is happening to you. __________________ Muffin cats need love too. Please refer to the forum rules before posting: http://www.enotalone.com/forum/forum-rules.php Mama to a beautiful baby girl born 6-25-09. :)

07-29-2005, 02:09 PM	#4
OceanEyes Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 1,883	She's testing you. I truly believed that if your wife wanted to leave you and is saying 'enough is enough', that she wouldn't be giving you these opportunities to stop her. She's threatening separation and possible infidelity because she wants things to change in a big way - and deep down she's probably hoping that you'll change them. It's a very selfish and immature way to get what you want, but after reading your post, I feel that this may be the case. Here's why: - Flaunting online conversations with strange men in your face. Why else would she do this unless she's saying 'WAKE UP" - we need a change! - Telling you outright that she's "bored". That's a very literal clue. If you really want to make this work, I think you're really going to have to step up and show her that you mean it. If severe stress and worry, issues with kids, plus health and family issues have taken over your marriage for a long time now, she's obviously going to feel like there's something "missing". If I were in your position, I'd arrange for a holiday that is just the two of you, preferably to a nice resort somewhere (if you can afford it). Sometimes all it takes is getting away, having a complete change of scenery, not hearing screaming children every minute of the day, really helps to put life into perspective. Your wife may feel that she's taken on a role of the "caregiver", trying to absorb everyone's stress (yours and your kids), thus neglecting her own needs and wants. Hence, extreme boredom. If the holiday idea doesn't suit you, your budget or your lifestyles, then try to think of something else that is drastic. It sounds like she wants you to be "the man" and take a bit of control. It may sound primitive to you, but there's a lot of truth to it. Do something that is completely out-of-character for you. She'll listen. __________________ There is no map to human behaviour. - Bjork

07-29-2005, 04:09 PM	#7
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	The advice you have received about repairing the marriage is good advice and you should follow it. But you should also suggest that she can also do something to stop being bored in the marriage. It takes two to make marriage work so she should be doing as much to entertain you as you should for her. Otherwise, you will start to feel resentful that you are having to do all the work and effort while she sits back and takes without giving. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

07-29-2005, 02:01 PM	#3
NH Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Posts: 3	Yes I've suggested counselling - she doesn't see what good it would do but hasn't completely rejected it. I've thought about moving out for a bit and giving her space but the problem is I work from home and moving out would need serious movement of computers filing cabinets etc. which makes it seem too permanent. The other problem is we have a holiday booked next week and she wants us to still go on it - but she is so cold to me most of the time .... except when she suddenly becomes the old K she was (usually in the bedroom). I know she is still contacting people taking secretive phone calls etc. I can hardly work - don't eat or sleep anymore and just keep breaking down all over the place - so far I've managed to avoid it in front of the kids and family but I dont know how long I'll manage that for. I think any self respect I once had disappeared a while ago - I know its the wrong thing to do but I've begged...pleaded and pleaded - I feel awful and about a millimetre tall but after all that I love her completely (she is the only girlfriend/love/wife I have have ever had or want)

07-29-2005, 02:11 PM	#5
SkyFire Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Gender: Male Posts: 434	Well, this might sound harsh. If she wants to separate, she doesent love you anymore. At least not in the way you want her to. Keep your dignity man. Stop begging her. It will make things worse. Dont move out of your own home to give her space. If she's already chatting to other guys, she might as well be screwing them. She can screw you over big time in divorce court because it is majorly in favor of women now. This is beyond my area of expertice, but I think you should move on with your life.

07-29-2005, 03:47 PM	#6
lonelyandblue Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: California Gender: Female Age: 30 Posts: 261	It is so nice to hear a man say that about his wife. Have you tried "dating" her? Where you get a babysitter for your girl (s) and go out for a night on the town with your wife? And is life in the bedroom routine? Maybe you could spice it up a bit?? You could buy a tantric sex book or something?

07-29-2005, 10:24 PM	#9
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	OK, one more post tonight, and then I may go back into hibernation. Your wife sounds like she wants out. She has hurt you. She does not seem to feel like she loves you. You want her to stay with you, and you will do anything to get her to stay. I hope she does not know how you feel. OK, first, agree with her, in almost everything she does. No fighting about anything. Second, go out, much more than you ever have. Don't stay at home being her patsy. Go out and get a date. What you need to realize is that you being wuss and saying you will do whatever you want will never keep her there. This is probably part of what bores her. Tell her you are leaving, and she may begin to change her mind. Finally, you need to begin to read and understand. I would suggest taking a look at [Only registered and activated users can see links. ] or exback.com and I might read some books like "The Art of Seduction." If you want her back, you need to make her want to be with you, which means you need to figure out how she wants to feel. And that does not just mean how she thinks or says she wants to feel.

07-31-2005, 02:54 PM	#10
confusedashell Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: sweden Age: 31 Posts: 228	You're wife isnt out the door yet. Women are odd creatures. They wont say things directly, they talk in riddles half the time. I dont think she is ready to go just yet, but this could be the last cry for help from her. You've both obviously had a hell of a lot of uppheval and stress the last few years. That can manifest itself on your marriage and make people think the marriage/spouse is the problem for it all. I'm no doctor, but thats how I see it. You gotta show her how loved and wanted she is. Dont listen to people saying its over, move on. You have a family together. If she really wanted out, she'd be gone by now. She'd have just left. Sounds like all the upheval has just taken over. You need to get back in control of your marriage. Maybe start by doing some spontaneous and nice things for your wife, like make her some buddle bath, candles all the dressings. get rid of the kids for the weekend, when shes done with the bath have some dinner made, wine...go away for the weekend somewhere nice. I truly believe that so many marriages just die because one person feels like its all gone, the other just either accepts the situation and doesnt do anything or else wallows in self pity and despair. If you want the marriage to work then make it work. Let her see you making the effort, let her know you love her and want to fix your problems. No one has cheated, theres no big personality problems. Its just lack of martial maintance. She will come around. I dont think shes out of there yet, sounds more like what the other poster said, shes testing you, crying out for help and attention. And worst case, after all that she wants to leave. Then you can walk away knowing you did you bit when it mattered. You saw the problem and tried to fix it as best you could. If she doesnt come and want to fix it, then so be it. You did your bit.