Psychologist said, "I can't help you." Therapy OK?

SimoneTiger · 07-03-2005, 10:58 AM

About three weeks ago I went to my regular appointment with my psychologist, but instead of sitting down with me, she handed me a sheet with a list of the names and phone numbers of other therapists... This was a total surprise to me, especially since I thought that things had been going very well lately and talking to her was not unlike talking to a girlfriend.

My therapist said that she wouldn't be able to help me, but she would be happy to refer me to someone else. I had been seing her for about three months regarding the problems my perfectionism caused at school and at home (both academic and social). Furthermore, I am pretty much spoiled rotten and not ready for life in the real world. So, she did not explain what caused her to make the decision to let me go, and, honestly, I was too stunned at the time to ask further questions.

I just recently told my mom what happened, and she encouraged me to call my ex-therapist and request an explanation of why she did that--talk about break-up drama...

Of course, the last thing I want is to talk to her--or any other therapist--again. I cannot help feeling rejected--it was a huge step for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with a stranger (gee, I even told her about my fear of rejection)... Although now I suspect her behavior is not typical of therapists, as soon as I got home I threw away the sheet with psychologists' names she gave me and declared that I refuse to go through that again.

It feels like I need to go to therapy now to get over the fact that my therapist rejected me. I was happy to be actually taking steps to solve my problems, but now I feel that I cannot expect any help from others. Possibly as a reaction to that, I stopped taking my antidepressants three weeks ago, and refuse to discuss the subject with my family (I normally share everything with my parents and my fiance).

My question: what's wrong with me?

Is it worth it to attempt to contact another psychologist? I don't really want to learn to trust someone new starting from zero again, but I used to think that I was getting a lot out of therapy... Has anyone had a similar experience, and what were your thoughts about it?

ayekasong · 07-03-2005, 11:04 AM

Could it be possible that your ex-therapist was quitting her job? Perhaps she just realized that she does not have the proper training to be helping people? If she typically tells patients that they are spoiled rotten, I could also see a possibility that she was fired...

I do not think this is typical behavior of therapists. My therapist never made me feel like I was a hopeless case - however, my mother was made to feel that everything between her and my sister was her (my mother's) fault. I think there are some people in this profession who should not be helping people...

I do think you should attempt to contact another psychologist. You have already recognized that you benefit from such therapy. Try not to take the ex-therapist's dismissal so personally, it may not have had anything to do with you.

**annie24** · 07-03-2005, 11:12 AM

Yes, don't take it personally. Like Ayekasong said, she may be quitting her job, got fired, or perhaps she needs to scale back her patient load due to personal reasons. Or maybe, over the 3 months of therapy, she just doesn't feel like she's getting through to you, and thinks maybe someone with a different style may help you more.

In any case, don't feel rejected. She's just trying to help you out. She wouldn't have given you a list of others if she thought you were hopeless.

I would get that sheet of paper again. Try giving someone else a call... good luck!

shes2smart · 07-03-2005, 11:15 AM

She owes you an explanation as to why she cannot work with you. Treat this like you would treat any other seller-buyer transaction.

I don't think this is very professional behavior on her part. I seriously doubt it has anything to do with you, but rather something to do with her.

Just off the top of my head, here's a couple of reasons why a therapist would want to refer you to someone else:

>After several sessions with you, she may have realized that your issues are not in her area of expertise. For example, if you have an eating disorder or body image issues and that's not an area that particular therapist has experience with, s/he may want to send you to another therapist who has experience working with that.

>She may be cutting down her workload due to personal reasons. My shrink's husband had some sort of health crisis and she cut back her client load for a while. How long had you been seeing her? If you are a relatively new client, she may be more likely to refer you elsewhere than someone she has been seeing for a longer time.

>Many people who get into the counseling field do so because they have issues of their own they want to understand better. Perhaps your issues are too close to her own for her to be objective enough to provide any meaningful assistance to you.

So, don't take it personally. It is your right as a consumer to ask for a reason why she wants to refer you elsewhere.

Don't give up because of one questionable therapist. Jeez...I went to....??? don't even remember how many shrinks before I found one who's style matched with me. I did some amazing work with her over the years. I saw her on and off as necessary from 1992 til we moved out of town last year.

**arwen** · 07-03-2005, 11:26 AM

I agree with shes2smart, as a professional she really cannot simply pull back like this. Even if it was about YOU, you'd still be better off knowing why.

My therapist one time shocked me by saying she really was so worried about me. I was like, oh my GOD how can it be that I am the worst of her cases? Oi!

You should call her and simply ask for an explanation. Tell her you took it personally and just need clarity before looking for another therapist.

Take care,

Ilse.

SimoneTiger · 07-03-2005, 11:30 AM

Yes...

I guess that is the reason I took it so hard--I thought of her as a girlfriend rather than someone who is just doing her job... That is what I have learned through observing my sister's relationship with her therapist: my sister loves her and calls her on a regular basis just to chat, and I guess that is the kind of help I expected, as well.

Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

**annie24** · 07-03-2005, 11:33 AM

Yes, I too think it was unprofessional of her not to give you a reason. I think you should call her, tell her you "lost" the list of other therapists, and you'd like her to mail you another list. Also, ask her why she won't be your therapist anymore.

brando · 07-03-2005, 11:36 AM

I guess sometimes therapists feel they are not equipped certain problems. Maybe she knows the ones she listed who have specific experience with perfectionism.

Perhaps just take it as a refrence to a specialist and your ex-therapist was making a decision in hers and your own best interest.

I would call her up and ask her to perhaps send your file to the new therapist, if you do choose to decide to go. Not sure if this is legal or a confidentiality issue between therapists and patients.

**arwen** · 07-03-2005, 11:37 AM

Quote:

Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

Ah, something to think about, isn't it!

Let us know if you called her. I don't think you can always mirror other people's therapists. My ex has a physical therapist who also is sort of a mother/guide-in-life to him. I have a psychotherapist-- her and I are friendly as well as we don't differ much in age and share a sense of humor. Still I really wouldn't ask her about her personal life or call her outside of appointments.

ilse.

SimoneTiger · 07-03-2005, 11:54 AM

Thanks you all for the advice--it certainly gave me a brand new perspective outside of my bitter, sulky reaction.

Knowing myself though, I doubt that I will call her and demand an explanation. I feel that it will be an intrusion of the privacy of someone who has asked not to see me anymore, whatever the reason may be (ah, aren't I so very altruistic?

), and I'd rather hang on to... what I perceive as my "dignity" by not calling her. Although I miss my sessions, I'd much rather think that she was right and I would better off with someone else...

07-03-2005, 10:58 AM	#1
SimoneTiger Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 234	Psychologist said, "I can't help you." Therapy OK? About three weeks ago I went to my regular appointment with my psychologist, but instead of sitting down with me, she handed me a sheet with a list of the names and phone numbers of other therapists... This was a total surprise to me, especially since I thought that things had been going very well lately and talking to her was not unlike talking to a girlfriend. My therapist said that she wouldn't be able to help me, but she would be happy to refer me to someone else. I had been seing her for about three months regarding the problems my perfectionism caused at school and at home (both academic and social). Furthermore, I am pretty much spoiled rotten and not ready for life in the real world. So, she did not explain what caused her to make the decision to let me go, and, honestly, I was too stunned at the time to ask further questions. I just recently told my mom what happened, and she encouraged me to call my ex-therapist and request an explanation of why she did that--talk about break-up drama... Of course, the last thing I want is to talk to her--or any other therapist--again. I cannot help feeling rejected--it was a huge step for me to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with a stranger (gee, I even told her about my fear of rejection)... Although now I suspect her behavior is not typical of therapists, as soon as I got home I threw away the sheet with psychologists' names she gave me and declared that I refuse to go through that again. It feels like I need to go to therapy now to get over the fact that my therapist rejected me. I was happy to be actually taking steps to solve my problems, but now I feel that I cannot expect any help from others. Possibly as a reaction to that, I stopped taking my antidepressants three weeks ago, and refuse to discuss the subject with my family (I normally share everything with my parents and my fiance). My question: what's wrong with me? Is it worth it to attempt to contact another psychologist? I don't really want to learn to trust someone new starting from zero again, but I used to think that I was getting a lot out of therapy... Has anyone had a similar experience, and what were your thoughts about it?

07-03-2005, 11:04 AM	#2
ayekasong Offline Silver Member Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: Wisconsin Age: 27 Posts: 565	Could it be possible that your ex-therapist was quitting her job? Perhaps she just realized that she does not have the proper training to be helping people? If she typically tells patients that they are spoiled rotten, I could also see a possibility that she was fired... I do not think this is typical behavior of therapists. My therapist never made me feel like I was a hopeless case - however, my mother was made to feel that everything between her and my sister was her (my mother's) fault. I think there are some people in this profession who should not be helping people... I do think you should attempt to contact another psychologist. You have already recognized that you benefit from such therapy. Try not to take the ex-therapist's dismissal so personally, it may not have had anything to do with you. __________________ Those things in life that are worth doing are never easy.

07-03-2005, 11:15 AM	#4
shes2smart Online Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: same world, different server Gender: Female Age: 45 Posts: 5,141	She owes you an explanation as to why she cannot work with you. Treat this like you would treat any other seller-buyer transaction. I don't think this is very professional behavior on her part. I seriously doubt it has anything to do with you, but rather something to do with her. Just off the top of my head, here's a couple of reasons why a therapist would want to refer you to someone else: >After several sessions with you, she may have realized that your issues are not in her area of expertise. For example, if you have an eating disorder or body image issues and that's not an area that particular therapist has experience with, s/he may want to send you to another therapist who has experience working with that. >She may be cutting down her workload due to personal reasons. My shrink's husband had some sort of health crisis and she cut back her client load for a while. How long had you been seeing her? If you are a relatively new client, she may be more likely to refer you elsewhere than someone she has been seeing for a longer time. >Many people who get into the counseling field do so because they have issues of their own they want to understand better. Perhaps your issues are too close to her own for her to be objective enough to provide any meaningful assistance to you. So, don't take it personally. It is your right as a consumer to ask for a reason why she wants to refer you elsewhere. Don't give up because of one questionable therapist. Jeez...I went to....??? don't even remember how many shrinks before I found one who's style matched with me. I did some amazing work with her over the years. I saw her on and off as necessary from 1992 til we moved out of town last year. __________________ "But there's no use crying over every mistake You just keep on trying til you run out of cake"

07-03-2005, 11:26 AM	#5
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	I agree with shes2smart, as a professional she really cannot simply pull back like this. Even if it was about YOU, you'd still be better off knowing why. My therapist one time shocked me by saying she really was so worried about me. I was like, oh my GOD how can it be that I am the worst of her cases? Oi! You should call her and simply ask for an explanation. Tell her you took it personally and just need clarity before looking for another therapist. Take care, Ilse. __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

07-03-2005, 11:36 AM	#8
brando Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Location: South Of No North Gender: Male Age: 40 Posts: 1,623	I guess sometimes therapists feel they are not equipped certain problems. Maybe she knows the ones she listed who have specific experience with perfectionism. Perhaps just take it as a refrence to a specialist and your ex-therapist was making a decision in hers and your own best interest. I would call her up and ask her to perhaps send your file to the new therapist, if you do choose to decide to go. Not sure if this is legal or a confidentiality issue between therapists and patients. __________________ Forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who tresspass against us. - The Lord's Prayer

07-03-2005, 11:12 AM	#3
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,824	Yes, don't take it personally. Like Ayekasong said, she may be quitting her job, got fired, or perhaps she needs to scale back her patient load due to personal reasons. Or maybe, over the 3 months of therapy, she just doesn't feel like she's getting through to you, and thinks maybe someone with a different style may help you more. In any case, don't feel rejected. She's just trying to help you out. She wouldn't have given you a list of others if she thought you were hopeless. I would get that sheet of paper again. Try giving someone else a call... good luck!

07-03-2005, 11:30 AM	#6
SimoneTiger Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 234	Yes... I guess that is the reason I took it so hard--I thought of her as a girlfriend rather than someone who is just doing her job... That is what I have learned through observing my sister's relationship with her therapist: my sister loves her and calls her on a regular basis just to chat, and I guess that is the kind of help I expected, as well. Funny, it never even crossed my mind the reason she won't see me anymore might be something different than her personal dislike for me.

07-03-2005, 11:33 AM	#7
annie24 Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Oct 2004 Age: 29 Posts: 26,824	Yes, I too think it was unprofessional of her not to give you a reason. I think you should call her, tell her you "lost" the list of other therapists, and you'd like her to mail you another list. Also, ask her why she won't be your therapist anymore.

07-03-2005, 11:54 AM	#10
SimoneTiger Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 234	Thanks you all for the advice--it certainly gave me a brand new perspective outside of my bitter, sulky reaction. Knowing myself though, I doubt that I will call her and demand an explanation. I feel that it will be an intrusion of the privacy of someone who has asked not to see me anymore, whatever the reason may be (ah, aren't I so very altruistic? ), and I'd rather hang on to... what I perceive as my "dignity" by not calling her. Although I miss my sessions, I'd much rather think that she was right and I would better off with someone else...