As the subject title reads, I have lost the will to live even though I do not want to die. I am typing this post on this message board in a final plea for help. I have lost everything and I continue to lose everything while there is nothing but gloom in my future. My family and my friends have been unable to help me. I guess I should talk about the events surrounding my loss of wanting to live.
I really want to make this post short because I don't want to bore anyone. I truly need help, I'm begging for it.
For the past year, I have been in the darkest time of my life, it all ignited with the loss of my first girlfriend around a little over this time last year, when she dumped me for (still to this day) unclear reasons, even though she blamed it on me for an episode of panic and anxiety that had happened. I had finally sought the help of a psychiatrist after that while before doing therapy in school while dating my ex. After months of trying to move on and accept the heartbreak, it still hurts and I am still heartbroken, but I'm not so much heartbroken over this as I was before. I posted here over this very heartbreak and I met a wonderful person here on enotalone that I consider a very dear and very personal friend, a friendship that even transcends the computer screen. She has been very instrumental in helping me, trying to get things off the ground for me, has been my friend since last August and we have been exchanging gigantic 20 page e-mails on a regular basis.
Nonetheless, throughout all of this trying and our friendship, I have grown more and more depressed about my life. During the recovery of trying to get over the loss of my ex, I had to deal with the loss of my childhood home and the ever increasing distance gap my family has. I feel without a place I can call "home," which I feel ashamed because when I was with my ex, she felt like "home," it's not a place I could describe. Change is a fear that I have. With the loss of the ex and the loss of home, I turned to faith and gained faith.
Everything had went smoothly from there, my friendship with a girl from this forum continued to blossom, and then another tragedy occurs in that I fail classes in college. I have a really hard degree to major in, and in today's climate the effort put forth to earn the degree may not be worth it. I wound up failing 1 class last Fall and a whopping 3 this semester due to depression, focusing on loss.
The fear, the loneliness and the lack of joy in my life culminated into checking myself into a mental hospital for a few days. While that seemed to help knowing that I had barely anything and had no escape until they determined I was ready to meet the world again.
So, now recently the friend that I met here confessed to me a concern that she had. Unfortunately, I couldn't defend my friend but instead related what she was going through to my own personal problems. Unfortunately I discovered things about myself. I'm 23, I've only had one girlfriend, a virgin, I'm very shy, I'm very ugly, and I'm very different from everyone. So, based on that and seemingly that being the reason why my ex left me I've decided that once I heal from my ex I want to lose the painful false hopes on ever finding true love.
But I didn't want to lose a friend. My friend, that I met here, she told me Tuesday that "I'm sorry, I obviously understand but I don't share your views, best wishes to you." I love my friend, she means the world to me. Yet I hurt her, ignored her apologies, and I said things that I shouldn't have said, not meaning to attack her but she may have took it that way. I sent her an e-mail today telling her how sorry that I am, with tears in my eyes, telling her that I was so thankful to her for everything she done for me and how sorry I am. I'm afraid now that I have lost a friend, a friend that I promised I would be friends with forever and I will never hear from her again.
In the meantime, I have also unwillingly lost faith in God. I have prayed so much for my pain to cease and yet it hasn't. So, I have no faith right now, I am just without comfort at all. I want so much to believe God cares but I just don't right now, I'm begging for proof otherwise, but all I have found was myself slipping into agnosticism.
I guess this was really short. I'm just so hurt. Please, if anyone can help me... I really need it. If anyone wants to talk to me, PM me and I will share my Instant Messenging information.
So with all of this, combined with fear of a difficult and painful future, with no "light" in sight... I have lost the will to live. Please... if anyone can help, please do.