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Thread: I have lost the will to live

  1. #1
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    I have lost the will to live

    As the subject title reads, I have lost the will to live even though I do not want to die. I am typing this post on this message board in a final plea for help. I have lost everything and I continue to lose everything while there is nothing but gloom in my future. My family and my friends have been unable to help me. I guess I should talk about the events surrounding my loss of wanting to live.

    I really want to make this post short because I don't want to bore anyone. I truly need help, I'm begging for it.

    For the past year, I have been in the darkest time of my life, it all ignited with the loss of my first girlfriend around a little over this time last year, when she dumped me for (still to this day) unclear reasons, even though she blamed it on me for an episode of panic and anxiety that had happened. I had finally sought the help of a psychiatrist after that while before doing therapy in school while dating my ex. After months of trying to move on and accept the heartbreak, it still hurts and I am still heartbroken, but I'm not so much heartbroken over this as I was before. I posted here over this very heartbreak and I met a wonderful person here on enotalone that I consider a very dear and very personal friend, a friendship that even transcends the computer screen. She has been very instrumental in helping me, trying to get things off the ground for me, has been my friend since last August and we have been exchanging gigantic 20 page e-mails on a regular basis.

    Nonetheless, throughout all of this trying and our friendship, I have grown more and more depressed about my life. During the recovery of trying to get over the loss of my ex, I had to deal with the loss of my childhood home and the ever increasing distance gap my family has. I feel without a place I can call "home," which I feel ashamed because when I was with my ex, she felt like "home," it's not a place I could describe. Change is a fear that I have. With the loss of the ex and the loss of home, I turned to faith and gained faith.

    Everything had went smoothly from there, my friendship with a girl from this forum continued to blossom, and then another tragedy occurs in that I fail classes in college. I have a really hard degree to major in, and in today's climate the effort put forth to earn the degree may not be worth it. I wound up failing 1 class last Fall and a whopping 3 this semester due to depression, focusing on loss.

    The fear, the loneliness and the lack of joy in my life culminated into checking myself into a mental hospital for a few days. While that seemed to help knowing that I had barely anything and had no escape until they determined I was ready to meet the world again.

    So, now recently the friend that I met here confessed to me a concern that she had. Unfortunately, I couldn't defend my friend but instead related what she was going through to my own personal problems. Unfortunately I discovered things about myself. I'm 23, I've only had one girlfriend, a virgin, I'm very shy, I'm very ugly, and I'm very different from everyone. So, based on that and seemingly that being the reason why my ex left me I've decided that once I heal from my ex I want to lose the painful false hopes on ever finding true love.

    But I didn't want to lose a friend. My friend, that I met here, she told me Tuesday that "I'm sorry, I obviously understand but I don't share your views, best wishes to you." I love my friend, she means the world to me. Yet I hurt her, ignored her apologies, and I said things that I shouldn't have said, not meaning to attack her but she may have took it that way. I sent her an e-mail today telling her how sorry that I am, with tears in my eyes, telling her that I was so thankful to her for everything she done for me and how sorry I am. I'm afraid now that I have lost a friend, a friend that I promised I would be friends with forever and I will never hear from her again.

    In the meantime, I have also unwillingly lost faith in God. I have prayed so much for my pain to cease and yet it hasn't. So, I have no faith right now, I am just without comfort at all. I want so much to believe God cares but I just don't right now, I'm begging for proof otherwise, but all I have found was myself slipping into agnosticism.

    I guess this was really short. I'm just so hurt. Please, if anyone can help me... I really need it. If anyone wants to talk to me, PM me and I will share my Instant Messenging information.

    So with all of this, combined with fear of a difficult and painful future, with no "light" in sight... I have lost the will to live. Please... if anyone can help, please do.

  2. #2
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    God

    Dear, I just want you to know that as much as we pray to God to end our suffering, only we have the power inside to do the actions needed to accomplish this.

    It also seems you have severe depression. Are you taking medication? If not you should be. Go to the doctor and get checked over. of course most of your depression is due to the problems you've endured over the past year and some, but long term depression and anxiety can actually change the chemical balances in your brain and cause depression over time!

    And are you not going to therapy anymore? If not it's time to go again. issues have resurfaced in your life that you need help with.

    It's time to get others to help you and not isolate yourself from your family and friends! It will be ok and the sun will come out tomorrow!

    Remember that "this too shall pass" and pick yourself up and move on my friend. YOU CAN DO IT!

  3. #3
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    It's not bad to feel as though you're becoming more and more agnostic. I was at that stage. I realize that it's just a phase.

    What helps me is to realize that there are other people who have it worse. At least you are still in school And, by the sound of it, sounds like you care about your education. So, don't be so hard on yourself. You still have plenty of time to pull yourself together. Some people don't even have the opportunity for a higher education. I often think about orphaned children who are tsunami victims. They lost everything. I think about how it would be like to feel the way that they feel: no parents, no money, ultimately, their lives will be a real struggle. Sad, but true. When I think about how difficult other people have it, I realize that I'm pretty lucky. Take whatever you have right now and cherish it. Perhaps you can also invest in helping others either through donation or just by simple gestures of kindness. Helping others helps you to feel fulfilled as an indvidual. It's rewarding and gratifying. That's what makes life worth living.

    About the ex- she is not the last person who you're going to love. Plenty more fishes out there, no need to worry. Happiness is only found when you take the time to find it within yourself. I don't believe in relying on substances such as drugs, narcotics, alchohol or prescription drugs to make a person happy. What allows people to find purpose and meaning in life is when they are true to themelves, when they know who they truly are, when they are humble with the people in their lives, and when they enjoy the simple things in life.

    Sounds like you are quite stressed out, so maybe you can take a trip somewhere where you can relax. It doesn't have to be extravagant, perhaps a drive alng the coast somewhere. Something simple. Go for a bike ride, jog or run. Enjoy the scenery. Listen to music that motivates you. Try cooking a meal that you always enjoyed. In other words, find things that you are most passionate about, and build your happiness on that.

    I hope this helps and hang in there! You're life is worth living and you know it! Take care...~Billy

  4. #4
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    Thank you for your words of advice. In response to some questions and comments yes I have been checked out and have been on depression medication, actually quite several. I do think it's time for me to seek therapy again, I do agree with you there.

    Everything that hurts right now is focused on my online friend that I met in this very place, sure I have so many issues but she means so much to me. I have already sent her an e-mail earlier today apologizing but I have had no response from her and haven't heard from her since Tuesday. I don't want to lose her and I never meant to hurt her . I wish I could stop agonizing wanting her to e-mail me.

    Thank you everyone. I'm trying so hard, I apologize for not having a happier reply.

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  6. #5
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    I have done something I shouldn't have but I knew I needed to in order to get the emotions out, I drankn for the first time in many many months and right now I am intoxicated and I am ready to just beg her, my friend nto my ex, to reply and hopefully we can be as we were before.

    She means so much to me

    I told her that I loved her, but I emphasized friendship maybe thats why she won't talk... maybe she felt awkward that I told her that i loved her. I didn't mean it romantically and I said it in a way she shouldnt take romantically because she is with someone else.

    What should I do? Please someone..

  7. #6
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    I apologize for the third post on my message in a row. I don't want to break any forum rules. I apologize for posting while intoxicated as well, I knew that I shouldn't have leaned on substances to help me get what I was feeling out of my system. It's Friday morning, I haven't heard from my online friend still, and I'm just about to have a breakdown. I have e-mailed the Samaritans due to suicidal thoughts. I don't mean to be so selfish but if anyone can help me, please... I have been crying nonstop. I won't post a fourth message in a row out of respect for the forum, I really am sorry... I'm just very desperate

    I really am sorry

  8. #7
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    ErasedCitizen,

    The last thing that you need to do is apologize. It's okay to feel down. Apologizing is not necessary. Your emotions are valid and you have every right to feel the way that you do. Have you considered going out somewhere? The more you stay at home or lay around feeling depressed, the more things will feel endless.

    Think about it, you are still young and life is still worth living. Everyone has their good and bad days. I have days where I don't even have an ounce of optimism left in me, but I realize that somehow we all manage to make it through.

    Feel free to vent. We're here to listen. More importantly, if you do have a chance to get out of your house and go out somewhere just for a while do so. It helps a lot. Or, call your friends and see if you guys can do something together. Friends are there for support and you will never know, maybe by the end of the day, you'll start feeling better and start smiling again. Keep busy. Have faith in yourself, you will pull through.

    Take care..

  9. #8

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    Hello,
    Hope I am not too late and you have not killed yourself! haha jk.. but seriously.
    From what I have read your story is quite weak; I believe you are just bored with your life but that is my personal opinion. You are too negative with yourself, no cares that you only had one girlfriend or that you're waiting for the right girl because those are your choices; I am sure you could have had more than one girlfriend if you worked at it. What I want to tell you if you are still corrupt in the mind is to research the term "mental toughness". I believe this will help you greatly when you apply a determined attitude to your everyday life. Never quit, never say die.

  10. #9
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    The Key to life

    Dear! I just have some words to say, may be these will help you out, its all about the soul, and the source to your soul in your body is your heart, actually your heart is gone dead, and it needs to be alive again, find some one around you, who is deeply in love with God, only he has the power to raise the dead ones (Like Jesus Christ used to did), with the power of love! or read Shakespear or Milton, and if you want more just add me on facebook, "m_ali417@yahoo.com" and send me a message!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member thejigsup's Avatar
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    I have had a year in which I have lost so many, many, dear things do the death of someone I love. I decided to look at it this way: Loss sucks, but life if wonderful! I have leaned on God and he hasn't solved all of my problems for me, he has just given me the strength and ability to solve them and get through everything on my own. He does'nt promise magic, just strength and love. That's all you need, really.

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