Why can't I accept alcohol?

[MissMandaJo]

Hi. I have... not so much a problem, but I'm afraid it will turn into one. I have been dating my boyfriend for several weeks. I am 18 and he is 25. He is by NO means a drunk or an alcoholic. But he enjoys ocassionaly going out with friends and drinking. It isnt the "Drinking" I have a problem with... it's when he becomes DRUNK. It just really, really upsets me and it makes me feel like he'd rather be drunk than hang out with me. Of course I don't want to turn into a controlling girlfriend that tells him he can't go have fun or whatever. I don't think he realizes that it bothers me to the extent that it does, and Im afraid to bring it up because once again, I don't want to appear controlling. Maybe it's just something I have to get used to. What do you guys think?

[GettingOverIt]

I think you should talk to him about it, and be sure to tell him what you've told us - that you don't want to come off as being some controlling person, but that his drinking to the point of drunkenness really upsets you.

What about his drunkenness upsets you specifically? Is he flirtatious with other women, is he abusive, 'too' lovey-dovey? What about it do you now like, other than you do not want him drunk (which is valid, don't get me wrong!)...

[shes2smart]

Well...I think you may have 2 issues here and you will need to figure out which is really bothering you or if they are both bothering you.

The two issues:

1. Him spending time with his friends without you there.

2. His drinking.

In a relationship, it is crucial for each partner to have "me time"....away from each other. Just because you are involved/in love doesn't mean you should be attached at the hip. There will be hobbies/activities/friends one of you has that the other won't care for. If you give each other "me time" to pursue those hobbies or see those friends, it benefits the overall relationship because no one feels like they have to give up something to be with you.

Now, on to the drinking....the fact you chose to make an issue that he isn't an alcoholic raises a red flag for me. Do you realize that many addicts can function in day to day life FOR YEARS before their addiction catches up to them? Enjoying the occaisional drink and/or getting drunk are not necessary to living a full life. If he cannot drink WITHOUT going all the way to drunk, he's got a problem. If he can't choose NOT to drink at all, he could be heading toward a problem.

Here's the thing about being involved with someone with addiction issues -- you can't change them. No amount of outside influence in the world will get an addict to sober up. Getting sober is a process that starts, continues, and ends from within the addict -- THEY have to want to change, and THEY have to want to remove their substance of choice from their life. No amount of nagging, pleading, begging, bargaining from you or anyone else will get them there.

I was involved with an alcoholic...believe me when I tell you that you DO NOT want this kind of grief in your life. It doesn't matter how much you love him, if he's got substance abuse issues you are in for a hellish ride that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

That being said, all you can do is tell him how his behavior makes you feel and sets boundaries for yourself. ("When you go out drinking with your friends, I feel lonely and abandoned." "I don't want to be around you if you're drunk.") If you nag, plead, demand that he stop that will only cause him to pull the other way even harder.

Realize that even if you do have an open, honest dialog with him about this, he can choose to do nothing differently. That's what my alcoholic ex did...he'd sit there and listen and nod at the appropriate places, then do exactly what he wanted to do. And I put up with it for a couple years before I realized he was what he was, and there was nothing I could do to change him, so I had to change myself....into his "ex."

[PAdreamer]

I have this same problem. I know that, for me, it is mostly tied into family history- so many major problems in my family have been the result of alcoholism. So I have always been very afraid of alcohol. Up until a year ago I was VERY legalistic about it. To the point where I had no desire to ever try anything alcoholic, even once I'm 21, and I would get really upset when my boyfriend would go out and drink.

It took a comment from a sermon my pastor preached to snap me out of it. I don't know what it will take for you. I think a lot of it depends on you realizing where this feeling comes from- why you're so dead set against alcohol. I still have some boundaries for myself and my guy. I made him promise that, once we have kids, there will be no alcohol kept in the house. And if he comes home drunk and I'm not in the mood to deal with it, he'll be sleeping in the basement! LOL! But you really should talk to him about it.

[MissMandaJo]

Thanks for the advice guys.
Shes2Smart - He can drink without becoming drunk. He has said several times before that he doesn't care to drink as much as he used to (he used to work at a bar) and that he could stop... but I don't think he really WANTS to stop.
Also, I understand the "me time" situation. Although this is a little off topic, how do people get married then if you aren't supposed to be attached at the hip? lol. Maybe I am just young and naive.
What specifically bothers me about him being drunk is, for one... I've never drank and I don't understand why people have to be intoxicated to have a "good time". Also I'm afraid of him getting hurt (car accident, etc).

[shes2smart]

Originally Posted by MissMandaJo

Also, I understand the "me time" situation. Although this is a little off topic, how do people get married then if you aren't supposed to be attached at the hip? lol. Maybe I am just young and naive.

If you're like most people, you probably grew up with the romantic notion of finding your "other half." There's a flaw in that thinking in that no one is a "half person" and if you try to live as if you are, at some point, you're going to feel like you're missing something.

I didn't get married until I was 38, although I had lived with 3 different boyfriends for varying periods of time. I also lived by myself for the better part of 10 years. During all this I very definitely became my own person, with a wide range of interests, hobbies and some rather diverse friends. I had learned to enjoy my own company and had a lot of great experiences traveling alone, and just living the single life.

I think people who get married young (under 30) don't have the number of opportunities to develop self-awareness/self-knowledge that those who wait until later in life to get married do. This is because they get too busy/focused on just getting by in day-to-day life...particularly if they have a child or two. There simply isn't time or financial resources for self-development when you're trying to make enough money to keep a roof over your family's head and keep your kids clothed, fed, and cared for.

My husband and I are about as alike as two people can be, but even we have some different likes and hobbies. He's very into hard rock/metal and that's just a bit too loud for me. There are a couple bands he likes to go see if they're playing anywhere within a 2-hour drive. I've never gone to one of these shows with him because I know I'd have a lousy time. I don't have a problem with him playing their CD's in the car or at home, but there's no point in wasting money on a ticket for me. There's also no point in him NOT going because I don't want to, either. So he's content to go by himself, and I'm content to have the evening to myself sewing or writing or doing one of my solo hobbies.

He belongs to a couple fan clubs for his favorite bands, and sometimes they will meet up before the show to have dinner. While I imagine there are some people who would have issues with their spouse meeting up with a group of unknown people (male & female), it's not an issue with us. Honestly, that sort of thing would have been an issue with me in some previous relationships because of a lack of trust and/or insecurity. But not with my husband...he has always made it very clear that our relationship is his top priority and he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that. His actions and words match up on this score, and so it's not a problem when he meets up with people from the various bands' message boards and fan clubs. Similarly, he doesn't have a problem with various male friends I have. I've worked in a male-dominated field for over 20 years....I have a lot of guy buddies. I've had mostly male friends since grade school, now that I think about it, but that's another story.

Anyway, it's not realistic to expect you & your significant other are going to enjoy ALL of the same things. And it's not practical to stop doing things you like just because the S.O. doesn't care for them. Oh, sure, you can try that....but it ends up in resentment over the long haul and feeling like you've lost pieces of yourself. It's also not a good idea to go to things you know you don't like just because the S.O. does. I had an ex who was a major sports freak. Could not fathom the concept that I had NO interest. He was convinced it was because I just wasn't familiar with the rules of the various games. So I got dragged to basketball, football, auto races, blah blah blah. At first I was willing to go along with his assessment, but after the first few trips, I realized that I did in fact, have a good grasp of the basics of these things. I simply wasn't interested and didn't care. He'd get pissed if I didn't go with him, and he'd get pissed if I went and was bored and didn't enjoy it. So you see how that's a no-win situation? He would've been better off to go by himself, or with his friends and leave me alone so I could go tend to my horse or any one of the other things I liked that he didn't care for.

I'm really convinced that the key is to find someone you share as many things in common with as possible. Forget that other misguided romantic notion that "opposites attract." When it comes to a significant other/spouse, the more commonality you share in terms of hobbies, interests, values, goals, spirituality, sexuality, financial plans...the better off you're going to be.

Relationships are a little like shoe shopping. First you have to figure out what size you wear (i.e. who you are), then you have bypass that really cute size 7 when you know you wear an 8.5. The size 7 may be the most gorgeous shoe ever, but over time it'll pinch your toes and squeeze your foot and you won't be able to walk without limping. Go ahead and try on the size 7 if you want to, but buy the 8.5.