What can I do to fix this?

PAdreamer · 05-16-2005, 01:23 AM

Well my fiance and I have moved our wedding date up by a full year. But he's sure that none of his family will show up. It's really getting him down. In their defense, I don't think he gives them enough credit- I think that most of them WANT to be there. But he feels like he's a burden to them; worthless. As I've mentioned in other posts, his mom and grandma don't like me at all. His mom, especially, is very upset about me stepping into her son's life. All of this makes him feel so uncomfortable about how his family feels about us and he gets so down. He is saying that he's not even gonna tell most of them about the wedding.

So what can I do to make things easier for him? Is there anything I can do to smooth things out with his mom? I just don't know how to make him feel better.

kuhl282000 · 05-16-2005, 02:03 AM

Hello

Sounds like you are doing everything wiithin your power at present. Continue to be a strong support system for him, he needs you. Remember you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. because if we could many of up would pick another. Things can change but don't count on it.

Good Luck and love each other

Kuhl

:P

Caldus · 05-16-2005, 02:23 AM

They can hate him all they want but it won't change the fact you two want to be together. I guess it is his choice as to whether he should tell certain family members about the wedding date or not since it is his family. I would try to support him with whatever he ends up doing (that is, if you do support it of course).

You know it's funny because my sister is in the same dilemna. She's getting married to someone very soon and she still hasn't told our dad yet. She's told everyone else though (and told us not to tell our dad) because we all think her boyfriend is a very cool guy. Too bad our dad thinks otherwise. So the situation is a little weird.

But you know, in the end it's not their choice at all. So I don't see why they have to get all upset about something they can't control.

smallworld · 05-16-2005, 03:37 AM

That's tough PAdreamer. My guess is it's not so much you as the idea of losing influence over their 'little boy.' I think he should invite his relatives anyway. They're a lot less likely than Mom & G-ma to have issues and a lot more likely to just be happy for you both.

With outlaws I find it helps if you focus on what you have in common -- Your love for their son! -- and if you make the effort to get to know family members as individuals. On Mother's days, I send my MIL cards expressing my gratitude for the wonderful job she did raising the man who became my husband. When we visit I try to get to know her better so that she sees me more as a friend vs. 'the woman who stole her baby'.

And if there's any disagreements between my husband and his family, I steer clear of it. If you make the effort, I'm sure in time they'll stop seeing green and starting seeing the real 'YOU', how much you love their son, and how lucky he is to have you in his life. Just give it some time!

Congrats on your pending nuptials! How exciting!

SilverManic · 05-16-2005, 04:21 AM

I think he should just invite them anyway. They may get used to the idea in a year. I think they would be more upset about not being invited then the fact that they don't aprove of you. I'm sure they will get used to the idea eventually and will except you.
Untill that time you just need to be suportive to your boyfriend and hope for the best.
I wish you good luck,
~S.

CarterJonas · 05-16-2005, 07:47 AM

If I were you I would tell your boyfriend to sit down and have a heart to heart with his mother. I think he needs to explain to them how you are important to him but that doesn't make them any less imporant either. Once they realise that he is happy with you then there shouldn't be any reason for them to dislike you. He needs to definately invite all his family to the wedding.

Out of interest you haven't done anything for them to dislike you?

**avman** · 05-16-2005, 08:17 AM

Hey PA, sounds like your boyfriend has some depression going on. If he's not even willing to tell them about the wedding then this is HIS doing not theirs.

You should talk to your boyfriend and encourage him to tell his family about the wedding. Those who want to come, will come. And leave it at that. It's about your special day, not theirs.

Your boyfriend might want to look into some treatment for depression. This seem to be a recurring theme and its affecting his life and yours.

Give his mom a call and try and smooth it out. Who knows, she might appreciate it. If not, at least you gave it a try. Then it's her problem.

PAdreamer · 05-16-2005, 03:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CarterJonas

If I were you I would tell your boyfriend to sit down and have a heart to heart with his mother. I think he needs to explain to them how you are important to him but that doesn't make them any less imporant either. Once they realise that he is happy with you then there shouldn't be any reason for them to dislike you. He needs to definately invite all his family to the wedding.

Out of interest you haven't done anything for them to dislike you?

Thanks for the advice all! As far as the above question goes, the only thing we can think of is that his mom feels like I'm trying to take him away or something. The thing that gets me is that i have never asked anything of him or his family. I am leaving everything I know behind and moving 3000 miles from my home so that we can stay close to HIS family. I have paid for the major things that he and I have doen, like our big trips and such- he has only paid for things that he's ASKED to be allowed to pay for. I have done nothing but love and support him in EVERYTHING. She is just afraid to lose her hold on him. And I know I can't do anything about that except let her get used to the fact that she can't control him forever.

I don't think Aaron is depressed, I think he's afraid! When we met 15 months ago, I couldn't get him to express an opinion! I couldn't get him to tell me details about his disability! He was so afraid that he would say something that would get him in trouble or that would get him put down. They treat him so badly sometimes, and I think that he's so afraid that, in his attempts to include his family in our happiness, they will go out of their way to make him feel miserable. I know that there's a good chance they WON'T do that, but that's what he has lived with his entire life! It's hard to convince him that they'll be okay. ESPECIALLY when certain family members that he is very close to are making it so difficult.

I know he is happy and confident in our plans... He is just dying to have the approval of his family! They've been his whole life for 28 years! He needs to know that they love and support him no matter what, and he just isn't getting that from them! It makes me so sad.

Rainy · 05-16-2005, 05:00 PM

oh pa dreamer i thought all your dreams and plans was going well for you, im sorry to hear this

05-16-2005, 01:23 AM	#1
PAdreamer Offline Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Age: 24 Posts: 1,052	What can I do to fix this? Well my fiance and I have moved our wedding date up by a full year. But he's sure that none of his family will show up. It's really getting him down. In their defense, I don't think he gives them enough credit- I think that most of them WANT to be there. But he feels like he's a burden to them; worthless. As I've mentioned in other posts, his mom and grandma don't like me at all. His mom, especially, is very upset about me stepping into her son's life. All of this makes him feel so uncomfortable about how his family feels about us and he gets so down. He is saying that he's not even gonna tell most of them about the wedding. So what can I do to make things easier for him? Is there anything I can do to smooth things out with his mom? I just don't know how to make him feel better. __________________ "You don't have to get physical to make love."- Aaron Spang

05-16-2005, 02:03 AM	#2
kuhl282000 Offline Gold Member Join Date: Jun 2003 Location: Orlando, Florida Gender: Male Posts: 1,390	Hello Sounds like you are doing everything wiithin your power at present. Continue to be a strong support system for him, he needs you. Remember you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. because if we could many of up would pick another. Things can change but don't count on it. Good Luck and love each other Kuhl :P __________________ Be grateful for what you had together, because the personal memories are sometimes all we are left with. Life goes on, and so will you.

05-16-2005, 02:23 AM	#3
Caldus Offline Silver Member Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Forever a Non-Windows User =D Gender: Male Age: 24 Posts: 2,796	They can hate him all they want but it won't change the fact you two want to be together. I guess it is his choice as to whether he should tell certain family members about the wedding date or not since it is his family. I would try to support him with whatever he ends up doing (that is, if you do support it of course). You know it's funny because my sister is in the same dilemna. She's getting married to someone very soon and she still hasn't told our dad yet. She's told everyone else though (and told us not to tell our dad) because we all think her boyfriend is a very cool guy. Too bad our dad thinks otherwise. So the situation is a little weird. But you know, in the end it's not their choice at all. So I don't see why they have to get all upset about something they can't control. __________________ "Do you want to fix the problem or soundbyte it?" -- Ross Perot during 1992 presidential debate.

05-16-2005, 03:37 AM	#4
smallworld Offline Gold Member Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Orange County, CA Gender: Female Age: 39 Posts: 872	That's tough PAdreamer. My guess is it's not so much you as the idea of losing influence over their 'little boy.' I think he should invite his relatives anyway. They're a lot less likely than Mom & G-ma to have issues and a lot more likely to just be happy for you both. With outlaws I find it helps if you focus on what you have in common -- Your love for their son! -- and if you make the effort to get to know family members as individuals. On Mother's days, I send my MIL cards expressing my gratitude for the wonderful job she did raising the man who became my husband. When we visit I try to get to know her better so that she sees me more as a friend vs. 'the woman who stole her baby'. And if there's any disagreements between my husband and his family, I steer clear of it. If you make the effort, I'm sure in time they'll stop seeing green and starting seeing the real 'YOU', how much you love their son, and how lucky he is to have you in his life. Just give it some time! Congrats on your pending nuptials! How exciting! __________________ "Sigh... I guess you're an adult now and know what you're doing." -- Smallworld's Mom 3.05.06

05-16-2005, 04:21 AM	#5
SilverManic Offline Bronze Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Berkshire UK Gender: Female Posts: 830	I think he should just invite them anyway. They may get used to the idea in a year. I think they would be more upset about not being invited then the fact that they don't aprove of you. I'm sure they will get used to the idea eventually and will except you. Untill that time you just need to be suportive to your boyfriend and hope for the best. I wish you good luck, ~S.

05-16-2005, 07:47 AM	#6
CarterJonas Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: In a bubble Age: 32 Posts: 945	If I were you I would tell your boyfriend to sit down and have a heart to heart with his mother. I think he needs to explain to them how you are important to him but that doesn't make them any less imporant either. Once they realise that he is happy with you then there shouldn't be any reason for them to dislike you. He needs to definately invite all his family to the wedding. Out of interest you haven't done anything for them to dislike you?

05-16-2005, 08:17 AM	#7
avman Offline Administrator Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Minnesota Gender: Male Age: 42 Posts: 6,526	Hey PA, sounds like your boyfriend has some depression going on. If he's not even willing to tell them about the wedding then this is HIS doing not theirs. You should talk to your boyfriend and encourage him to tell his family about the wedding. Those who want to come, will come. And leave it at that. It's about your special day, not theirs. Your boyfriend might want to look into some treatment for depression. This seem to be a recurring theme and its affecting his life and yours. Give his mom a call and try and smooth it out. Who knows, she might appreciate it. If not, at least you gave it a try. Then it's her problem.

05-16-2005, 05:00 PM	#9
Rainy Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Glasgow Age: 29 Posts: 215	oh pa dreamer i thought all your dreams and plans was going well for you, im sorry to hear this