Mother's Day for a Step-Mother

illegally_blonde79 · 05-07-2005, 09:53 AM

I guess I just want to vent and see if others have the same problem as I. I spent more than 10 years raising my step-daughters, taking them to every activity that they were involved in. Their mother was too busy with her own life and had "good" excuses as to why she never showed up for any of their activities. I'm being sarcastic about the "good". Now, I'm in my mid-40's and while I get along with my step-daughters, I feel resentment for "wasting" all of those years acting like their mother. They expect me to treat them like they are my children, however, I know I'm not their mother. What really pisses me off is that it will be Mother's Day and I'm sure I will get a phone call from one of them, but the other one (who is 24, lives with us rent free, has a college degree and does nothing around the house but mess it up) took her mom out to lunch, bought her gifts, etc. etc. will not even acknowledge it is MOther's Day to me as she is off on another one of her "fun"trips with her friend for 2 weeks. I guess I'm just hurt that while I played mother for all of those years, the real mother is the one they share mother's day with. I'm just a jealous old lady who will be glad when Mother's Day is once again gone. How can they not remember all the times their real mother let them down when they were younger and just ignore me? I'm feeling sorry for myself and just wanted to see if anyone else shares this same problem.

I guess I should be grateful that I have a good relationship with them, they have respected me (to my face anyway) and haven't given me any real problems other than I feel like I wasted all of those years for NOTHING!!

illegally_blonde _feeling_sorry_for_myself

Mun · 05-07-2005, 11:45 AM

Hey there,
I'm really sorry that these girls are so ungrateful. I would think maybe they give to mom in a way hoping she will appreciate them--when she has been so absent from their life--but to you, well you are there anyway so they feel like they don't need to show you affection

. Next time they need something, don't be so quick to jump to their rescue and they might not take you for granted in the future.

Anyway, I'd like to wish you a Happy Mother's day. Just because you are not their biological mother does not mean you didn't worry when they were sick, stayed out late.. etc. It's not easy raising someone else's children --- I admire you for that.

PhoenixInATL · 05-07-2005, 04:33 PM

Hi,

I can understand how hurtful that must be. You said that the one is 24...how old is the other one? Is it possible that they're just being immature and don't realize the importance that Mother's Day is not just about biological mothers? I'm not sticking up for them, but just wondering if that's what's behind it. Is talking about it to your husband a possibility? Maybe if he could put a bug in their ears, or even take the initiative to do a family Mother's Day event, it may give them the hint for this year and the years to come.

I'm sure they appreciate everything you did. Often it's the ones we love the most that we inadvertantly take for granted. Sometimes we forget to show our appreciation. It's not right, but it happens. I really don't think it was all a waste of time. You helped cultivate their lives, and although at the moment you're probably wondering about the results, I'm sure as they age they'll be more sensitive.

When my younger brother and I were in our early- and mid-twenties, anytime I told him I loved him he'd be like 'Eeeewww..." Beginning about when he turned 28, I can tell him I love him, and he tells me he loves me back (and sometimes tells me first!), and he's become very considerate about my feelings and the feelings of other people.

So although it's hurtful, try to chalk it up as the folly of youth. People do come around as they age. They feel less immortal, start thinking about life and what's meaningful to them, and then start to appreciate the people in their life more. Really, it does happen like that.

But still, it wouldn't hurt to at least off-handedly mention it to your husband, to see if maybe he ends up giving them a little wake up call.

I wish my mom was like you described yourself. (Let me preference this with the fact that my mom and dad have been divorced for 33 years and feel nothing for each other at this point.) Tomorrow's Mother's Day and she won't speak to me because I couldn't be receptive to something she was trying to advise me, just 30 minutes after finding out that my Dad has nine months to live, and she knew it. Nope, we can't talk for 10 days now, under her order. Unfortunately Mother's Day fell within that. Oh well, I guess.

If I were your step-daughter, I'd give you a special Mother's Day. You sound like a good mom!

illegally_blonde79 · 05-08-2005, 07:39 AM

Thanks so much for your replies. After I posted I wished I hadn't. I was bent out of shape, had lacked sleep and was having a silly pitty party for myself. I realized how immature I was after I sat down and talked to my "keyboard". lol. I have great kids and wouldn't give up my life and my kids for anything. My wonderful husband is a bonus, too. Thanks guys for making me feel better. I was afraid I had come across as a self-centered STEP-mom.

I'll survive this Mother's Day just as I did the others. It usually turns out better than I anticipate anyway.

Happy Mother's Day to you all!!

illegally_blonde

RooferGirl23 · 05-16-2005, 12:21 PM

I am a step mother to 4 children, and a mother of 2 of my own. I was also raised with a stepmother myself. To be blunt, they will always love the "real"mother more, no matter how much YOU do for them. Its frustrating and aggrivating, I know. My mother's day was the same, my husband and i gave the kids money ($10.00 each) to guy their mom mother's day gifts, i got nothing. I do WAY more with them then she does, but theres a bond there that they have that I dont and that I can NEVER replace. My own step mom was in my life for 14 years, but i still love my real mother more, and i cant explain why. Love takes many forms, and embrace the kind of love you DO have with your steps.
On the bright side: children will most likely confide in you with secrets and dating than with their real mom, I know mine do, and there is plenty of things they are too scared to go to her, they go to me and it makes me feel good. they will always love you, and as they get older and have families they too will realise that when they are sitting doen with their children, sharing childhood stories, your name will be spoken of most.
Love that. Love them, Love YOU!!!

05-07-2005, 09:53 AM	#1
illegally_blonde79 Offline Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 2	Mother's Day for a Step-Mother I guess I just want to vent and see if others have the same problem as I. I spent more than 10 years raising my step-daughters, taking them to every activity that they were involved in. Their mother was too busy with her own life and had "good" excuses as to why she never showed up for any of their activities. I'm being sarcastic about the "good". Now, I'm in my mid-40's and while I get along with my step-daughters, I feel resentment for "wasting" all of those years acting like their mother. They expect me to treat them like they are my children, however, I know I'm not their mother. What really pisses me off is that it will be Mother's Day and I'm sure I will get a phone call from one of them, but the other one (who is 24, lives with us rent free, has a college degree and does nothing around the house but mess it up) took her mom out to lunch, bought her gifts, etc. etc. will not even acknowledge it is MOther's Day to me as she is off on another one of her "fun"trips with her friend for 2 weeks. I guess I'm just hurt that while I played mother for all of those years, the real mother is the one they share mother's day with. I'm just a jealous old lady who will be glad when Mother's Day is once again gone. How can they not remember all the times their real mother let them down when they were younger and just ignore me? I'm feeling sorry for myself and just wanted to see if anyone else shares this same problem. I guess I should be grateful that I have a good relationship with them, they have respected me (to my face anyway) and haven't given me any real problems other than I feel like I wasted all of those years for NOTHING!! illegally_blonde _feeling_sorry_for_myself

05-07-2005, 11:45 AM	#2
Mun Offline Platinum Member Join Date: May 2004 Location: Way down South! Gender: Female Age: 41 Posts: 4,194	Hey there, I'm really sorry that these girls are so ungrateful. I would think maybe they give to mom in a way hoping she will appreciate them--when she has been so absent from their life--but to you, well you are there anyway so they feel like they don't need to show you affection . Next time they need something, don't be so quick to jump to their rescue and they might not take you for granted in the future. Anyway, I'd like to wish you a Happy Mother's day. Just because you are not their biological mother does not mean you didn't worry when they were sick, stayed out late.. etc. It's not easy raising someone else's children --- I admire you for that. __________________ Ecclesiastes 3:1 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

05-08-2005, 07:39 AM	#4
illegally_blonde79 Offline Member Join Date: May 2005 Posts: 2	Thanks for your replies Thanks so much for your replies. After I posted I wished I hadn't. I was bent out of shape, had lacked sleep and was having a silly pitty party for myself. I realized how immature I was after I sat down and talked to my "keyboard". lol. I have great kids and wouldn't give up my life and my kids for anything. My wonderful husband is a bonus, too. Thanks guys for making me feel better. I was afraid I had come across as a self-centered STEP-mom. I'll survive this Mother's Day just as I did the others. It usually turns out better than I anticipate anyway. Happy Mother's Day to you all!! illegally_blonde

05-16-2005, 12:21 PM	#5
RooferGirl23 Offline Member Join Date: May 2005 Location: Florida Age: 28 Posts: 309	I feel Your pain!!! I am a step mother to 4 children, and a mother of 2 of my own. I was also raised with a stepmother myself. To be blunt, they will always love the "real"mother more, no matter how much YOU do for them. Its frustrating and aggrivating, I know. My mother's day was the same, my husband and i gave the kids money ($10.00 each) to guy their mom mother's day gifts, i got nothing. I do WAY more with them then she does, but theres a bond there that they have that I dont and that I can NEVER replace. My own step mom was in my life for 14 years, but i still love my real mother more, and i cant explain why. Love takes many forms, and embrace the kind of love you DO have with your steps. On the bright side: children will most likely confide in you with secrets and dating than with their real mom, I know mine do, and there is plenty of things they are too scared to go to her, they go to me and it makes me feel good. they will always love you, and as they get older and have families they too will realise that when they are sitting doen with their children, sharing childhood stories, your name will be spoken of most. Love that. Love them, Love YOU!!!

05-07-2005, 04:33 PM	#3
PhoenixInATL Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Suwanee, GA Age: 40 Posts: 116	Hi, I can understand how hurtful that must be. You said that the one is 24...how old is the other one? Is it possible that they're just being immature and don't realize the importance that Mother's Day is not just about biological mothers? I'm not sticking up for them, but just wondering if that's what's behind it. Is talking about it to your husband a possibility? Maybe if he could put a bug in their ears, or even take the initiative to do a family Mother's Day event, it may give them the hint for this year and the years to come. I'm sure they appreciate everything you did. Often it's the ones we love the most that we inadvertantly take for granted. Sometimes we forget to show our appreciation. It's not right, but it happens. I really don't think it was all a waste of time. You helped cultivate their lives, and although at the moment you're probably wondering about the results, I'm sure as they age they'll be more sensitive. When my younger brother and I were in our early- and mid-twenties, anytime I told him I loved him he'd be like 'Eeeewww..." Beginning about when he turned 28, I can tell him I love him, and he tells me he loves me back (and sometimes tells me first!), and he's become very considerate about my feelings and the feelings of other people. So although it's hurtful, try to chalk it up as the folly of youth. People do come around as they age. They feel less immortal, start thinking about life and what's meaningful to them, and then start to appreciate the people in their life more. Really, it does happen like that. But still, it wouldn't hurt to at least off-handedly mention it to your husband, to see if maybe he ends up giving them a little wake up call. I wish my mom was like you described yourself. (Let me preference this with the fact that my mom and dad have been divorced for 33 years and feel nothing for each other at this point.) Tomorrow's Mother's Day and she won't speak to me because I couldn't be receptive to something she was trying to advise me, just 30 minutes after finding out that my Dad has nine months to live, and she knew it. Nope, we can't talk for 10 days now, under her order. Unfortunately Mother's Day fell within that. Oh well, I guess. If I were your step-daughter, I'd give you a special Mother's Day. You sound like a good mom!