what's the psychology behind this?

[sfboi415]

I hate writing about this awful truth, but here it goes..

Living in an urban environment, it's common to have a group of kids who all know each other on the same block or maybe in the same building. Anyways, it usually develops in to these life-long friendships, (Oh, I knew my boi Casey since wayyyy back!) and whatever a single person does, like join a debate team, start up a small business, or produce music later on in life, the support of his friends are usually there.

Unfortunately that's not me. Kids thought I was too weird in preschool, elementary school to hang out with, plus I hardly reached out to them. and I blew it in highschool because I guess I didn't try hard enough to..weave my way into the intertwining social fabrics.

But now in college I'm trying to do that. And, it's hard! It seems that almost every individual I talk to has their own unit of friends who aren't as friendly or open-minded as the person I'm talking to. Try to break the ice with the others and I've been given the cold shoulder, male and female.

My question: What's the psychology behind this? Why people say that they're content with the friends they already have? Sometimes, they won't even say it, but act in a way that lets you get the hint.
For example on New Years I was invited to a party and enjoyed myself, until one after the other the group left to go to the patio for smoking. I smoke too, so I decided to join in. Some people, including the person who invited me left out as soon as I came in. I tried to iniate some lively conversation with the others but the answers they gave me back were very shallow answers..then they went back to talking to their goddamn friends.

If I was in a group of friends I might've acted that way too, but at least I would spend some time chatting it up with a newcomer.

[MetallicAguy]

Hmm, it's the wrong type of people your trying to be friends with...I think that's your problem. Like I'm assuming you started smoking to be accepted (why most people do it anyway, or to look cool). These people are the real losers, you can't just hang with people cooler than you.., you have to start out hanging with loser-ish people then gain your way up. That's how it works. Like I used to be a loser about 4 years ago, then I started hanging with more people, with my same interests, then I started hanging with people like that, except cooler, then now I hang with people who have the same interests and personalities. If you push yourself out their with your pre-wired drive (in your brain) to be accepted, it isn't going to work. Most people strive to be popular but they always fail. Why? Because they don't act themselves or they don't connect with certain people or their hobbies and interests aren't the same as the "cool kids".

[OmegaMan]

Ok, I've been there, completely.

Here's what I learned.

If you are needy, some people will perceive this as a threat to their freedom or just as a threat.

If you are independent, people will look up to you. It's kind of paradoxal, but it works.

Here's my advice, initiate a conversation:

If the other person doesn't respond, STOP WASTING YOUR GODDAMN TIME. Move on! Otherwise you're just gonna screw up your dignity.

Do what you think but this has worked for me.

Omega Man

[sfboi415]

needy. Needy is when someone calls every single weekend.. You guys planning another party? Where you guys going on Saturday night? Huh? Huh? Huh?

I am not needy.

(Like I'm assuming you started smoking to be accepted (why most people do it anyway, or to look cool)

I didn't smoke because I wanted to be a part of the group. My family members have smoked for a long time and I picked up the habit from them.

Overall, thanks for the advice, although it still doesn't answer my question why people feel content with the friends they already have, even though the age-old saying goes: "You Can Never Have Too Many Friends."

[OmegaMan]

Don't take this is as an insult man.

I meant needy as the opposite of being independant, that's all. What I meant is that people are attracted to independent people.

Now if you don't see the link with your question, here it is.

Some people are already satisfied with the friends they've got. Nobody likes being alone. I assume that when you have a certain number of relationships that satisfy your social needs, some people (not all) don't feel the need to have more than what satisfy their needs.

There's also something else I'd like to talk to you about. It's called Social Preseance. This is a well known psychological and social phenomenon. Maybe this will answer your question.

Whenever you have a group of people, a certain equilibrium is set. When someone new enters a crowd, it breaks the equilibrium, it creates insecurity for the members of the group as it implies reorganisation.

This, if my opinion based on knowledge, it's better to have someone introduce you in a group, it's much easier that way as you won't appear as threatening it's organisation. It may sound very childish, but it really is the way it works.

As for the smoking bit, I'm not sure I don't understand what you meant by that. I don't really smoke and I always thought it was pathetic when someone started to be accepted by others.

Anyway, think about it.

Omega.