Do I throw in the towel?

agaudette · 03-28-2005, 04:15 PM

A little background - this is my second marriage, my first of 10 years ended in divorce after I caught my alcoholic husband cheating (for the second time). He had major issues, although we now have a friendly relationship because we have two boys together, 10 and 12. I married for the second time in 2000 - he has one son, 16, who lives with us and 1 daughter, who lives with her mom. He is funny, sensitive, a great cook...however, he also is an alcoholic. Didn't know the degree until after we were married and it's progressively gotten worse. He drinks every night after work - he is very dependable at work, doesn't miss time, has been there 10+ years, but I can't handle the 3+ beers he has at night. He has at least 3 before he comes home, then drinks one at home. After dinner he pretty much crashes into bed. Sex is a rarity. He does not fully "participate" as a father figure to our children - I do all the finances, clean, laundry, mow the yard, take kids to appointments, haircuts, etc. He cooks dinner - that's it. I have brought this issue up to him in the past about his drinking and stating it's a problem...he'll stop for awhile and then it starts up again. Last Thursday morning I noticed for the first time that his hands shake in the morning. I told him that it's no fun for me to have a conversation with him in the evening because he's drunk. On Sunday he was outside bbqing and I saw there was a grocery bag with beer in it - kind of like he was hiding it. Let me tell you, there's no hiding this from someone who has lived 10 years with an alcoholic! Anyway, I'm simply tired - I too work full-time at a great job, no problem supporting myself, and I just want to say "enough already and go away". I know this may sound selfish but at this point I don't care - I don't even have those emotions that I'll be sad or anything - it will just be a relief to have the house back to myself and my children, although I love my stepson.

At what point do you know divorce is your only solution? I gave, and gave, and gave so much in my first marriage that the thought of doing this again with an alcoholic personality is just not appealing!!!

chai714 · 03-30-2005, 12:25 AM

I think you have a couple options. One, would be to bail on the marriage, which is not as easy as you know. You didn't mention trying counseling, which I'm sure many will advise here. If you haven't addressed these issues with your husband already, now would be the time to. If you have and nothing has changed and you're still willing to try, ask if he'll attend an A.A. meeting WITH you (this is important, as it will take his defenses down and will seem to make it an "us" issue rather than a "him" issue).

Divorce should be a last resort, but ultimately, you need to live a fulfilling life for yourself so I can understand how you might consider that option.

equal marriage · 03-30-2005, 10:38 AM

I agree with chai above...seek counseling and go to an AA meeting together. You mentioned that you adored his son and for him, your children and yourself try to work this out a little longer. Making it clear to yourself and your spouse that this is situation is not going to continue and that you are seeking help and you feel that he too should offer ideas is a positive place to start.

03-28-2005, 04:15 PM	#1
agaudette Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Age: 45 Posts: 2	Do I throw in the towel? A little background - this is my second marriage, my first of 10 years ended in divorce after I caught my alcoholic husband cheating (for the second time). He had major issues, although we now have a friendly relationship because we have two boys together, 10 and 12. I married for the second time in 2000 - he has one son, 16, who lives with us and 1 daughter, who lives with her mom. He is funny, sensitive, a great cook...however, he also is an alcoholic. Didn't know the degree until after we were married and it's progressively gotten worse. He drinks every night after work - he is very dependable at work, doesn't miss time, has been there 10+ years, but I can't handle the 3+ beers he has at night. He has at least 3 before he comes home, then drinks one at home. After dinner he pretty much crashes into bed. Sex is a rarity. He does not fully "participate" as a father figure to our children - I do all the finances, clean, laundry, mow the yard, take kids to appointments, haircuts, etc. He cooks dinner - that's it. I have brought this issue up to him in the past about his drinking and stating it's a problem...he'll stop for awhile and then it starts up again. Last Thursday morning I noticed for the first time that his hands shake in the morning. I told him that it's no fun for me to have a conversation with him in the evening because he's drunk. On Sunday he was outside bbqing and I saw there was a grocery bag with beer in it - kind of like he was hiding it. Let me tell you, there's no hiding this from someone who has lived 10 years with an alcoholic! Anyway, I'm simply tired - I too work full-time at a great job, no problem supporting myself, and I just want to say "enough already and go away". I know this may sound selfish but at this point I don't care - I don't even have those emotions that I'll be sad or anything - it will just be a relief to have the house back to myself and my children, although I love my stepson. At what point do you know divorce is your only solution? I gave, and gave, and gave so much in my first marriage that the thought of doing this again with an alcoholic personality is just not appealing!!!

03-30-2005, 12:25 AM	#2
chai714 Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The End of the Pier Gender: Male Age: 31 Posts: 2,705	I think you have a couple options. One, would be to bail on the marriage, which is not as easy as you know. You didn't mention trying counseling, which I'm sure many will advise here. If you haven't addressed these issues with your husband already, now would be the time to. If you have and nothing has changed and you're still willing to try, ask if he'll attend an A.A. meeting WITH you (this is important, as it will take his defenses down and will seem to make it an "us" issue rather than a "him" issue). Divorce should be a last resort, but ultimately, you need to live a fulfilling life for yourself so I can understand how you might consider that option. __________________ "Your mind is your greatest weapon." - David J. Lieberman, Ph.D "Most every person or situation can be influenced through the power of psychology."

03-30-2005, 10:38 AM	#3
equal marriage Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: New York City Posts: 9	I agree with chai above...seek counseling and go to an AA meeting together. You mentioned that you adored his son and for him, your children and yourself try to work this out a little longer. Making it clear to yourself and your spouse that this is situation is not going to continue and that you are seeking help and you feel that he too should offer ideas is a positive place to start. __________________ equal marriage