Well look who comes back ...

Hi guys,

after spending this whole past weekend an absolute wreck because of my ex, he just wrote me a heart wrenching email. This is AFTER he called me every disgusting thing in the world through AIM messages, forcing me to finally block him. Then, he logged on with another screen name and had the nerve to say, "I see you finally got the balls to block me. Good, keep it that way."

So I waited ... patiently. Oh yes, very patiently. Meanwhile, crying my eyes out and having my self esteem pounded. And he came back. Two days later, this time with another screen name, saying, "I wrote you an email and I'd really appreciate it if you read it. thanks", and logged off.

Ok. This guy has got issues. Serious control issues. Insecurity issues. And he is extremely verbally abusive. I've told him again and again and again I can not be in a relationship with him if this continues. And he does try very hard to make progress. And then he slips backwards.

Is there any hope for this guy? Is there any way I can try and support him as best as I can, without getting my heart pounded over and over and over? I do love him, and I do recognize he genuinely wants to change. I just don't think he knows how, or realizes what he's doing while he's in the midst of doing it!

Whatever I decide, if I decide to even maintain any type of relation or contact or whatever with him, I am not going to write him back or contact him right away. Oh no. He needs to seriously think about the consequences of his actions.

I love him, and I want to be there for him. And I do believe he genuinely wants to change, and I'm also not stupid and I realize this is not going to be easy, not at all. Not in the slightest. But, I do see hope in him. I really believe he just does not know any better, and that makes me very sad. And I know it makes him very sad too because he loves me and he realizes he's defeating his own purpose each time he goes on a tirade like this.

Any thoughts? Maybe I'm just stupid or niave, but I'm not quite ready to give up on him yet. I just want him to seriously think.

Suggestions on a course of action?

Hi Jaela,

I'll cut right to the chase...

I am concerned that the way he is treating you is showing a total lack of respect for you. Regardless of what he said in this heart wrenching email, he is following a pattern of verbally abusing you and being controlling, and then feeling remorse and attempting to reconcile what he's done. This isn't healthy. His actions speak loud and clear.

Making a big change like this is a VERY difficult thing to do, esp. if he has developed this behaviour pattern with you and followed it for some time,and you've accepted this behaviour (at least in action by staying with him up until now). I fear that he will not be able to get a handle on it, esp. not with you since this has been the dynamic of the relationship for this long. You say he doesn't even realize when he's doing it sometimes, that's how ingrained it is in him to treat you this way.

Does this make you happy???

I def. advise you to stay away, and to not contact him. I have serious doubts that even if he wanted to change, that he would be able to.

This is a tough thing to have to tell you, but I think your best bet may be to let this guy go, and learn how to respect yourself more and realize that you do not deserve some one calling you disrespectful and derogatory names, and trying to control you. Whether he is sorry afterwards or not, it is not acceptable how he is treating you and you deserve much better.

Yes, he might be striving to change...but you shouldn't stick around for him to practice on you because he kept messing up. In time, he will probably be able to change but he needs to do that on his own...being in a relationship while trying to make that transition will be next to impossible.

the way i see it is if you get back with him without him really understanding how he hurt you and treated you, then it is as if you are allowing him to rpeat that behavoir, and he may get the message it is okay for him to behave this way. Be careful here...

Hi guys,

Thank you for the reply. So you truly believe there is no hope with this? Even if we tried counseling together? I know our breakup is so fresh that I'm still feeling pangs of what we once shared. But honestly, the fighting gets so bad that I'm afraid we're going to end up in a fist fight eventually, and that is definitely no good. I care about him very, very much but I see your point, by my going back it only solidifies in his mind that his actions are justifiable. And it does seem like although he was trying very hard, his progress was more of a band-aid effect, with more seething beneath the surface, if that makes sense? Perhaps it is time for me to continue on with my life and leave this behind, once and for all.

I do love him though, that is what makes it so difficult.

i sent u a pm.

love isn't enough

he is abusive, he needs a counsellor, not a girlfriend

go to your library and get some books on verbal abuse, spouse abuse, and so on, and read them and educate yourself on the reality of staying in an abusive relationship

go to link removed and do a search on verbal abuse, and spend time reading...there are sites out there specifically to help you with this type of abuse

stay away from him