girl 21yo with bf 23yo of 5 mnths, sleeps with her Sensei,33

terrible · 03-18-2005, 07:42 AM

i'm just interested in what peoples general thoughts on this are, my boyfriend is a bit controlling, and the tighter he holds the more i pushed away.. i don't know why. i told my martial arts instructor that i was attracted to him, but wouldn't jepodise his relationship with his partner and 5mths old baby girl.. and basically i couldn't train with him anymore. he said he would have been lying if he said he had no attraction to me, and a few weeks later we started having intimate meetings after class. i felt guilty and bad, my bf knew i'd cheated in a past relationship. i told him not long after, and now i feel even worse. my bf parents told him to give me a second chance. i've had long term relationships in the past, and this isn't one of them, but it feels like one. i only felt lust for my instructor, not love, sensei feels the same way. i told sensei it had to stop and he is fine with it and happy i can still train with him. i want to make it up to my bf. it's made me realise what companionship really means. i don't know why i have to cross 'the line' to the extreme to feel decided on an emotion.
thankyou for reading this, i know it's long, i just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation and how it worked out for them? if it worked out at all?

terrible · 03-18-2005, 08:00 AM

my bf says i'm going to end up sad and alone. what would you do?

**arwen** · 03-18-2005, 08:14 AM

Are the two of you still together? I think he says things like this because he is really hurt by you being intimate with the trainer.

Do you have an explanation for the other times you cheated?

Reconciliation after infidelity is really difficult. It's a good thing you have been honest, I think. However, I wouldn't expect him to trust you 100% so soon.

Ilse.

terrible · 03-18-2005, 08:30 AM

thanks for your response, it's a bit of a stalemate subject, thousands of people go through similar situations.. i guess i'm a bit lost. we are still together, he said i can go over to his place on the weekend to talk about it some more, and see where this whole thing is going. a friend reccommended this site to me because lots of friendly people give eachother advice.. thanks, i hope i can return the favour to another some time.

jasminebose · 03-18-2005, 08:43 AM

Hi,
Am just curious- do you think your cheating on him is a way for you to distance yourself from your boyfriend? Are you sure you want to be with him?
JZ

Cecelius · 03-18-2005, 09:42 AM

Your b/f knows you had sex with the sensei?

Frankly, I would wonder how or why YOU would want to stay with your b/f if he'll put up with this kind of thing. Would you be comfortable with his parents knowing you cheated on him?

It sounds to me like a classic case of a young person not wanting to be alone (hence having a b/b) but also needing emotional stimulation/attention from other men. Perhaps monogamy just isn't suited to you?

Lastly, I'm not sure because I've never been cheated on, by my sense is that the BEST way to grab a b/f by the testicles and stomp on them is to tell him that the cheating was purely physical.

Lonelyinasmalltown · 03-18-2005, 09:46 AM

I'm confused. You said that you had intimate meetings with your martial arts instructor and even though you both ended it, you still learn from him. And if I read this right you told your boyfriend what you two were doing and you still go to learn from him? If that's the case, don't you think that that's not fair to your bf?

If this is the case then I would say that you need to stop seeing you sensei all together. I've been in on the opposite side of this kind of thing before. It will take a herculean effort on your bf's part to trust you again, made even harder as long as you continue to go to your sensei. Is this fair to him? After all, he's not the one who strayed, it was you. Should he be doing the one who has to come to terms with this while you still see your fling everytime you go get lesson? In my opinion you need to make an effort to show him that it's over, and seeing the guy you cheated on him with every week or so is only going to make things worse.

Drizown · 03-18-2005, 11:14 AM

Wow i just have to say that my sensai is HOTT but i couldn't immagine the awkwardness of hookin up with him and still trainin with him.

terrible · 03-21-2005, 09:14 PM

thanks for all your advice, it's refreshing to have other peoples perspectives, i guess thats why this site is so sucsessfull. I am going over to my b/f place tonight to be dumped. i figure i don't deserve his loyalty, and i'll stick with trainning just with a different instructor. what is the key to feeling satisfied with being monogamus?

Cecelius · 03-22-2005, 09:55 AM

Self-satisfaction. Once you are rationally secure in who you are and don't need attention, emotional support, etc. to maintain you, you'll be satisfied.

It is much better to want things than to need them.

03-18-2005, 07:42 AM	#1
terrible Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 12	girl 21yo with bf 23yo of 5 mnths, sleeps with her Sensei,33 i'm just interested in what peoples general thoughts on this are, my boyfriend is a bit controlling, and the tighter he holds the more i pushed away.. i don't know why. i told my martial arts instructor that i was attracted to him, but wouldn't jepodise his relationship with his partner and 5mths old baby girl.. and basically i couldn't train with him anymore. he said he would have been lying if he said he had no attraction to me, and a few weeks later we started having intimate meetings after class. i felt guilty and bad, my bf knew i'd cheated in a past relationship. i told him not long after, and now i feel even worse. my bf parents told him to give me a second chance. i've had long term relationships in the past, and this isn't one of them, but it feels like one. i only felt lust for my instructor, not love, sensei feels the same way. i told sensei it had to stop and he is fine with it and happy i can still train with him. i want to make it up to my bf. it's made me realise what companionship really means. i don't know why i have to cross 'the line' to the extreme to feel decided on an emotion. thankyou for reading this, i know it's long, i just wanted to know if anyone else has been in this situation and how it worked out for them? if it worked out at all? __________________ is it better to have loved and lost than to have never had love at all?

03-18-2005, 08:00 AM	#2
terrible Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 12	my bf says i'm going to end up sad and alone. what would you do? __________________ is it better to have loved and lost than to have never had love at all?

03-18-2005, 08:14 AM	#3
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	Are the two of you still together? I think he says things like this because he is really hurt by you being intimate with the trainer. Do you have an explanation for the other times you cheated? Reconciliation after infidelity is really difficult. It's a good thing you have been honest, I think. However, I wouldn't expect him to trust you 100% so soon. Ilse. __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

03-18-2005, 08:30 AM	#4
terrible Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 12	thanks for your response, it's a bit of a stalemate subject, thousands of people go through similar situations.. i guess i'm a bit lost. we are still together, he said i can go over to his place on the weekend to talk about it some more, and see where this whole thing is going. a friend reccommended this site to me because lots of friendly people give eachother advice.. thanks, i hope i can return the favour to another some time. __________________ is it better to have loved and lost than to have never had love at all?

03-18-2005, 08:43 AM	#5
jasminebose Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: UK Age: 29 Posts: 217	Hi, Am just curious- do you think your cheating on him is a way for you to distance yourself from your boyfriend? Are you sure you want to be with him? JZ __________________ everytime a bell rings, an angel gets its wings

03-18-2005, 09:42 AM	#6
Cecelius Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 727	Your b/f knows you had sex with the sensei? Frankly, I would wonder how or why YOU would want to stay with your b/f if he'll put up with this kind of thing. Would you be comfortable with his parents knowing you cheated on him? It sounds to me like a classic case of a young person not wanting to be alone (hence having a b/b) but also needing emotional stimulation/attention from other men. Perhaps monogamy just isn't suited to you? Lastly, I'm not sure because I've never been cheated on, by my sense is that the BEST way to grab a b/f by the testicles and stomp on them is to tell him that the cheating was purely physical.

03-18-2005, 09:46 AM	#7
Lonelyinasmalltown Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Alberta, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 529	I'm confused. You said that you had intimate meetings with your martial arts instructor and even though you both ended it, you still learn from him. And if I read this right you told your boyfriend what you two were doing and you still go to learn from him? If that's the case, don't you think that that's not fair to your bf? If this is the case then I would say that you need to stop seeing you sensei all together. I've been in on the opposite side of this kind of thing before. It will take a herculean effort on your bf's part to trust you again, made even harder as long as you continue to go to your sensei. Is this fair to him? After all, he's not the one who strayed, it was you. Should he be doing the one who has to come to terms with this while you still see your fling everytime you go get lesson? In my opinion you need to make an effort to show him that it's over, and seeing the guy you cheated on him with every week or so is only going to make things worse. __________________ "Never make someone a priority.... When they only make you an option." "Love is giving someone the ability to absolutely destroy you.... and trusting that they won't"

03-18-2005, 11:14 AM	#8
Drizown Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Ontario Gender: Female Posts: 198	Wow i just have to say that my sensai is HOTT but i couldn't immagine the awkwardness of hookin up with him and still trainin with him. __________________ ¤ ٭If it isn't free it's not worth anything٭ ¤

03-21-2005, 09:14 PM	#9
terrible Offline Member Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 12	thanks for all your advice, it's refreshing to have other peoples perspectives, i guess thats why this site is so sucsessfull. I am going over to my b/f place tonight to be dumped. i figure i don't deserve his loyalty, and i'll stick with trainning just with a different instructor. what is the key to feeling satisfied with being monogamus? __________________ is it better to have loved and lost than to have never had love at all?

03-22-2005, 09:55 AM	#10
Cecelius Offline Member Join Date: May 2004 Posts: 727	Self-satisfaction. Once you are rationally secure in who you are and don't need attention, emotional support, etc. to maintain you, you'll be satisfied. It is much better to want things than to need them.