New relationship, but fighting the demons of the past

Hey all,

I hope I can find some people here who can share somethings about the following. Many of us have had bad experiences in relationships. Some of those experiences have touched us so deeply, that they seem to have become a part of the way we see relationships.

After the time we need to recover from a break-up, we will meet someone new. And although this person is the sweetest ever, we can still be haunted by the past. Scared that the same thing will happen all over again, that we will end up getting hurt the same.

I reckon this is no news for many of us here... my question is how to deal with the demons.

I have had a very long and difficult history with an ex from years ago. He would give me the feeling that I was really unimportant. My fear to lose him, made me adapt to whatever he wanted, at whatever moment. For example, my schedule was planned around his, and not the other way around. He is of course not entirely to blame for that: I let him do that, and gave no clear boundaries.

My new boyfriend is perfect, sweet, sensitive and I know he wants to see me as much as possible. However, when he is busy and he is late, I can not see things in perspective. This old demon is there, I feel exactly as neglected and unimportant as the ex made me feel. Yesterday I couldn't avoid a dramatic episode over this.

I was upset, crying, and although I tried not to, I made him feel like he was all in the wrong. (well, in addition my hormones where in their monthly 'ways' and all over the place, so that didn't help either ). He was completely sweet and understanding, but I want to avoid this.

I need to find a way to let go of the past, and stop converting these experiences of the past into predictions about my present relationship. I just don't know how. I have no control over when they come up, it's like I bottled all this anger, frustration and incredible sadness up inside, and didn't process it as well as I thought.

My current boyfriend is the best I have ever had. I will not lose him because of this. I can talk about anything with him, and I am not scared. I just don't want to feel this way whenever he does something completely normal that I associate with a past experience. And have this flood of pain.

Well, it was a long vent and such a relief. I hope you guys can shed some light on this.

Ilse.

Well their r many ways to look at any given situation.Well two really, positive and negative. If something comes up that touches a wound deep within you try looking at it in both ways. Don't react right away, sometimes our thoughts can crush our spirit, which crushes the spirit of those dear to us.

However, when he is busy and he is late, I can not see things in perspective. This old demon is there, I feel exactly as neglected and unimportant as the ex made me feel. Yesterday I couldn't avoid a dramatic episode over this

maybe you need to explore this deeper. Any abandonment issues from your past prior to your ex?? Any insecurities you feel lingering around??

Their must be something that happened which stirs up that wound.

Sometimes, I write stuff down on paper, like a "pros and cons" list. Write out all the things that prove that your bf is wonderful towards you. Then, write out a list of 10 reasons he may be late, or whatever. It's hard, but try to be rational. Remember, he's not your ex. Don't punish your new bf for your old one's behaviors. But, if this becomes a consistent problem, then it may be time to confront him. But, in the meantime, give him a break.

But, still, try to listen to that little voice in your head. Sometimes it's right about relationships. If you have a feeling like something isn't right in your relationship, maybe it isn't.

If you start feeling "the old demons" again, call a friend. Think of things from an outsider's perspective. He could just be stuck in traffic, or whatever. Don't flip out. Good luck - I hope things work out for you!!!

He always calls me, and he spends every free minute with me. I have never spent so much time with a boyfriend in my life. Maybe it's because I am so happy, that I am even more scared to lose that. I wish I could loosen up a bit and be a non-control freak 8)

Annie, you are completely right about the innervoice, I call it the gut feeling. I have ignored my gut feeling about my ex for 3 years, and now my gut has turned into fear. And fear is not telling you the truth in general...

Brando, you speak wise words. And touched the core. I do have serious issues of abandonment. I have been depressed because of them for a long while, and although I have had years of fighting them in therapy, they still resurface now. I can recognize them, and that makes it even more frustrating, since I still cannot control them.

Before he left to study, it almost happened again. I proposed something about seeing each other and he said he wasn't sure he would be able to make it (he has like 40 hours of class a week, works the nights, and has homework you would get in a year in high school. Per day, that is). He spends every possible minute with me, either on the phone or at my house. I smiled and said ok, we will see. I cried when I was alone and that's why and when I opened this topic. You are right, I need to think before I react. It's difficult because it happens a lot that my tears come up and I won't be able to stop them when that starts...

Thanks for your insights

Ilse.

So when he goes to study what do you do??? Do you go to school, have hobbies, friend you can kick around with. I guess think of every opportunity without him as an opportunity to do something good for your self. I know it can be hard, im already projecting how i will be in my next relationship and it has alot to do with the demons of my past relationship. Funny im not even involved yet and my potential relationships are ending..lol... i think i have issues.

Ilse, I can very closely feel what you feel, I am feeling the same way although I don't have a relationship, my past disappointments make me avoid a relationship. Just as you, my ex made me feel how unimportant I was and the schedule thing that was the same also.Since we have broken up, I have been thinking about solutions to avoid this past-predicts-present dilemma.

It seems that you-we- need to construct an awareness of the situation to distinguish between fears coming from the past and our current disagreements with the one we are together with. You have the right to get angry with your boyfriend in a reasonable way, but you should find some way of stopping the thoughts in your head.

My solution is, whenever such a crisis comes, divide yourself into two pieces, a child and a mother(any caring figure) and listen to yourself. Ask why are you angry? to yourself and speak to yourself, this might seem funny at first sight, but believe that has worked for me many times. such a conversation may go like:

Mom: Why are you angry?

YOU: Because I have the fear that I will end in a desperate situation again!..

The trick is that you should not act as your mother, you should think like what would you say to yourself if you were you own mother.

Hope this helps,

ps. don't forget to be late sometimes, don't let him always be the latecomer to a date

Hey brando,

I don't mind it when he is leaving. It was just at the moment that he left that I made that proposition I had to kick him out, because he should have left much earlier in fact LOL. I have a very busy life, being graduating master at the moment. Plus I like being alone, by myself.

My problems is not abandonment in that aspect, it's more the feeling of rejection and disappointment, that are now really out of proportion. I don't really know how to word it. With my ex I would always be really nervous when he left. Now I don't have that. So I have made a real big progress, and I am proud of that. I am happy if he is here, and I am happy when he is not here, because I feel completely myself around him. Again, something that lacked in the other relationship, I would really have to find myself back if my ex wasn't there.

Maybe it's now that I realize the things that were wrong in the past, that they are really sensitive. I feel much better opening it up here.

Ilse.

I think being alone with oneself is very important. Im gald it is something you develped. Congrats on your progress toward your masters.

Well you sound like a solid woman... school, new relationship, being comfortable with yourself, maybe you just need more time with the new relationship. It sounds like a supoortive, healthy relationship, and maybe due to your past experiences it is hard to trust the present???

These boards are theraputic in many ways. Alot of feedback and viewpoints is comforting. Keep posting.

My new boyfriend is perfect, sweet, sensitive and I know he wants to see me as much as possible.

 

My current boyfriend is the best I have ever had. I will not lose him because of this. I can talk about anything with him, and I am not scared.

Learn these words by heart, keep repeating them until you know them word perfect.

Any time you feel a 'demon' arising in your thoughts banish it by repeating these words over and over to yourself until the 'demon' has gone. Make sure you do it every time as a matter of course so that it becomes a natural defence against those thoughts.

Hello Ilse,

Wow...its amazing how so many people feel the exact same way i do. It is so funny that you posted this, I have been dealing with the same problem lately.

My ex boyfriend, as many of you know has hurt me beyond belief, and some of the people in my past have also helped to add to the scars. I know i have abandonment issues, when I was 8 my parents divorced, i seen my dad walk away from me, and at the time i believed every word my mother said,"that he was an abuser, and alcoholic, he hated me and would never change". As I grew up my relationship with my father was never the "daddy's little girl" relationship, i look back now and see how that can really screw up a little girls life. How my life has been changed completely the moment he walked out of my life. He has always been there for me supportive of me, but we have never been close. Then there was my mother, who was unstable herself, she chose random men over her own child, would bring them into our home, and well you know the rest. That doesn't leave a little girl with a good impresson of men either, or a respectable woman for that matter. However, I was 12 i left her to live my grandparents, and even though i was still young, i believe that the damage was already done, when i think of men...all i see is them "walking away".

There were relationship in my past, but nothing as serious as my ex, he was really my first real love. But like my father he is also an alcholic, but me like my mother thought i could "save" him, even though i vowed never to be like her, i was turning into her. In the end it inevitably led to me leaving him, but at the same time i never truly believe i had him anyways. There were so many lies, and betrayal...that now i am truly suffering. which leads to my point....

The new man in my life...one word WONDERFUL! now as lovely as it sounds, i just can't believe it. Because my dad, my mother my ex all seemed so wonderful, until the day they left. I really don't want the past to hurt my relationship with this wonderful person. Like you said Ilse "sweet, perfect, and sensitive" but part of me is just waiting for that moment..when he makes me feel unimportant and all the "demons" in my head just scream..."I TOLD YOU SOO!!"... And thats such a horrible thing to put on a persons shoulders. Now he knows about my life...family and the ex. But i really don't want to hurt him..because of THEIR mistakes.

Wow...i am so sorry this is so long...but i guess its nice to know that you people out there help shed some light on such a painful thing, and it's good to know im not alone in this, and other people are feeling the same thing.

Hey all,

Thanks for your input! I feel much better than I did yesterday and my sweetie will be here in like 10 mins, so I will answer to two postings:

It seems that you-we- need to construct an awareness of the situation to distinguish between fears coming from the past and our current disagreements with the one we are together with. You have the right to get angry with your boyfriend in a reasonable way, but you should find some way of stopping the thoughts in your head.

Marolua, you are right, I need to eliminate the Fear Factor when I disagree. I am so scared of disagreements in general. I immediately get the feeling that no one will ever say I am right, or say sorry for hurting me. This was also part of the disagreement I had with my bf this weekend. It's unbelievable how such a petty thing could make this feeling come up. I guess this 'believe system' I have created has been building up gradually in my life. Actually it was quite therapeutic. The first thing I thought of was a situation 20 years ago, as I was always bullied at school. I was a very tall child and far beyond my years also mentally. I was crying (yes, I WAS a 5 year old who got excluded from the game all the class participated in during break). I didn't have a nice teacher then, she basically told me to stop crying, and that me crying was why they teased me. I should be a BIG girl about it. This still lives in me. In later arguments with the relevant ex of this topic, I would always have the feeling that I wasn't worth acknowledgement, he would never really admit to his faults, and I WOULD ALWAYS END UP BEING THE ONE SAYING I AM SORRY. I hate that. Outside intimate relationships I am really a very outspoken girl, and I am very capable of wording my opinions. I don't know, some part of me still thinks I deserve to be treated badly. How come that if I think it will happen anyway, and I deserve that, that I am so scared it will happen?

Sorry endless venting here.

Like you said Ilse "sweet, perfect, and sensitive" but part of me is just waiting for that moment..when he makes me feel unimportant and all the "demons" in my head just scream..."I TOLD YOU SOO!!"... And thats such a horrible thing to put on a persons shoulders. Now he knows about my life...family and the ex. But i really don't want to hurt him..because of THEIR mistakes.

Sugar, it's the I told you so thought that is bothering me so much.

I think basically we need to get rid of the patterns we have mentally. They are probably deeply rooted in the way we think, so my guess is it won't be an easy job!

DN, Brandon thanks for the support, if you have similar experiences, please feel free to thrown them on this topic.

Ilse.

The first thing I thought of was a situation 20 years ago, as I was always bullied at school. I was a very tall child and far beyond my years also mentally. I was crying (yes, I WAS a 5 year old who got excluded from the game all the class participated in during break). I didn't have a nice teacher then, she basically told me to stop crying, and that me crying was why they teased me. I should be a BIG girl about it. This still lives in me. In later arguments with the relevant ex of this topic, I would always have the feeling that I wasn't worth acknowledgement, he would never really admit to his faults, and I WOULD ALWAYS END UP BEING THE ONE SAYING I AM SORRY

Wow, Ilse, I am amazed at how much I am like you in this respect...with a past ex (that I am friends with) I would too always end up being the one saying sorry....even when the fault did not lay with me, it would almost be manipulated so I was "to blame". I would end up saying I was sorry for being hurt, by a hurtful action on his part for example! It happened over and over...even on times he was downright cruel and belligerent (ie he was drinking and was somewhat verbally abusive to me in retrospect, at the time I did not see it that way, but I do know) I would at the end of the night be basically asking for HIS forgiveness as I "reacted" to it all!

He and I have talked about this since, and he admitted on his part eventually his fault and reasoning for that - mainly for him it was control, not wanting to deal with BS (even when he was the one with the "BS") and for being selfish.

But even though that is "behind me" it is still something that comes up sometimes. I know for example when I have a small disagreement with a partner, I feel like I am being pushed the same way, to feel guilty for something I should not, if that makes sense. I know that this is not the other persons goal or intention, but I do react to it and have to really focus to think things through rationally and calmly. I am always willing to apologize when I am in the wrong, but I guess I have learned to say sorry only if I truly feel I should be...not for things like feeling bad or hurt about something! Otherwise, it just breeds resentment, which I am sure you know what I am talking about It is something I too am working on, and what I personally do is before I say anything, I take some time to process information. I let my partner know that I just need some time to think and process, and that it is only to sort through what I am feeling to make sure that how I DO respond is applicable to the situation at hand ONLY, and not the past being brought up! I know it is not easy for my partner as I think away (as he gets nervous about what I am thinking) but he is patient, and I can come back to the conversation with a much clearer head and thoughts!

Since I started doing this, I find I no longer "fight" with any of my loved ones and I am able to converse about things calmy for effective resolution of conflicts (as in they don't come up again and again either!). It is hard to do sometimes, as people who know you almost label you as "sensitive" and will dismiss what you say sometimes for that, but with time, they will see too.

And P.S., I was teased often as a child too - I was a redhead so heard it all, plus was sensitive as a child to begin with (am very "in tune" with my emotions..lol). I think over years I just "learned" to believe that I was at fault because I was just being "sensitive"...last couple years I have learned yes, I CAN be sensitive, but not in this all bad/negative way, and that often I am justified for the way I feel and should not apologize for it. It's not a matter of overreacting, but truly feeling hurt for something..yes I may feel hurt more deeply, but I should not apologize for it.

For me, like you, it is blend of our nature, the treatment we have had in the past (and we in many ways "accepted" that treatment due to insecurities I believe, or just being "givers" all the time) and childhoods. But they are all conquerable!

If you ever need to chat about this, PM me...I read your post and felt like you were almost writing for me!

As I told you before, hun, I struggled with this kind of thing a bit when I met Aaron. I eventually learned to switch my perspective. When Aaron would do something that brought up those demons from the past relationship, I would then start to say, "BUT"... I would compare. Sure, there are times that Aaron's actions make me feel bad, BUT I know he loves me and that he does everything he can.... BUT I know that he never intends to hurt me and feels bad about it when it happens.

It's all in your mind.

You don't know how common this problem is for everyone. And in fact, too many people don't seem to ever figure out that is the cause of their problems.

I just started a my first *real* relationship in years a little over a month ago. I found a wonderful woman and we started talking and connected like no one has in my life. We talk every night on average of 3 hours and sometimes as long as 8! Things were going perfect and then something strange started to happen a few days ago with us. We both started to get a very strange feeling, and it kind of effected our conversations. Since we are both completely honest and open with each other we talked through it. It turns out that since everything was so perfect we both started to get scared from our insecurities from our past. Both of us had been married and had a cheating spouse, among other problems. After we talked through it, things go so much better.

What we did is admit to one another that we had some scars left from our past. I asked for her help to reassure me when I start to have doubts. For example, when I ask her if she wants to spend time with me, I'm really asking "tell me you want to spend time with me." This helps me get over the fact I find it hard that someone really wants to be with me and not use me. This has really started to make a difference for us and things continue to get better every day. It is a slow process, but with their help and time, it will change!

Hey guys,

It's time to reply to my topic, I see! Thank you all for the insightful replies. It really means a lot for me that I am not alone in this. Let me start with an update on my relationship:

Things have been so great that I find it hard to believe that I can actually be so happy with someone. We are each other's best friends, I trust him for 100%, he makes me laugh about myself, it seems after only little over 2 months that there is no one in this world who understands me better than him. He is very committed, we spend as much time together as possible.

This week it seemed like he lived at my place LOL, so in fact I am kinda happy to have most of the weekend alone for my studies and myself here, which is a very good sign. I AM a very private person, I mean, I like to be by myself. I need a lot of alone time. When I am in a relationship where I don't feel like myself, I become afraid and dependent. So my need for being alone is mostly the first of ME that gets ignored, because my fear of rejection is stronger than the need to be alone. Makes sense?

Let me respond to your individual replies 8)

RayKay:

what I personally do is before I say anything, I take some time to process information. I let my partner know that I just need some time to think and process, and that it is only to sort through what I am feeling to make sure that how I DO respond is applicable to the situation at hand ONLY, and not the past being brought up! I know it is not easy for my partner as I think away (as he gets nervous about what I am thinking) but he is patient, and I can come back to the conversation with a much clearer head and thoughts!

I have adopted this strategy and it works! I tend to be kinda grumpy in the morning, I have sleeping problems because of the efexor I am taking, which makes me dream so outrageously that I wake up completely wet from sweat every night. So in the morning... ugh.

Anyway, normally I love waking up next to him. He is so incredibly cute in the morning. This week, he had to leave very early for class and I slept like 4 hours effectively and had a full day of thesis waiting for me. He was hasty, and had to do something, and I got so irritated, I almost started a row for nothing. If I get this way, my mind will be OVERWHELMED by this feeling, and it's a TRUTH for me. However, I live on a loft (?) with 2 rooms. So this time I let him do his preparing in my bedroom, while I pulled back in my lounge 8). Here I realized I was a complete cow. He didn't notice anything, and I felt much better soon (and after a liter of coffee, needless to say).

It is hard to do sometimes, as people who know you almost label you as "sensitive" and will dismiss what you say sometimes for that, but with time, they will see too.

Oh, yes, and they will say it in such a demeaning and patronizing way. Like it's a sin or weakness to be sensitive. And there comes the apologetic nature: I will even start to apologize for being sensitive.

This was always the case with the Ex.

And P.S., I was teased often as a child too - I was a redhead so heard it all, plus was sensitive as a child to begin with (am very "in tune" with my emotions..lol). I think over years I just "learned" to believe that I was at fault because I was just being "sensitive"...last couple years I have learned yes, I CAN be sensitive, but not in this all bad/negative way, and that often I am justified for the way I feel and should not apologize for it. It's not a matter of overreacting, but truly feeling hurt for something..yes I may feel hurt more deeply, but I should not apologize for it.

Hey girl, I was a redhead too... I am light gold/strawberry blond in winter now, and white blond from the moment the sun returns... but I have heard any 'nick' name in that category. They are just jealous because natural red is the most rare hair color. They even teased me because of my green eyes. 0X What's wrong with children sometimes?

PAdreamer:

When Aaron would do something that brought up those demons from the past relationship, I would then start to say, "BUT"... I would compare. Sure, there are times that Aaron's actions make me feel bad, BUT I know he loves me and that he does everything he can.... BUT I know that he never intends to hurt me and feels bad about it when it happens.

It seems like a good way to handle them, once you don't need the time to process anymore. My processing still costs like 2 hours to get rid of the demon-feeling. I wish I was as mature in this as you.

eimono:

I asked for her help to reassure me when I start to have doubts. For example, when I ask her if she wants to spend time with me, I'm really asking "tell me you want to spend time with me." This helps me get over the fact I find it hard that someone really wants to be with me and not use me. This has really started to make a difference for us and things continue to get better every day. It is a slow process, but with their help and time, it will change!

Isn't it great that we both have partners that we feel so comfortable with that we actually will admit these feelings! I admitted to my bf that I was insecure after last weekend, and he was so sweet! Every time he comes to my loft, (I now call it our nest lol), he says he is so happy to be with me. He is like my mental home, and I really need to realize that, and accept that I deserve this person.

Great to have read all your postings, and keep writing whenever something comes up.

Ilse.

I think if your ever in a situation like this, if you fall into thinking of your ex, immediately think of something funny/positive and do this for as long as it takes and your thought of "demons from the past" will slowly fade away. Hope it helps.

Point is, once I fall into the trap, there is nothing I can really do but relax and not react to it. The thoughts are incontrollable, and need to be managed. This still takes time. First improvement is that I can hold myself back from acting on those feelings. Because I know on the long term this could affect my relationship. So, I talk about things after I spent some thinktime on it. But it feels still the same, the feelings are overwhelming.

Sometimes I think this is just a process to get used to a positive relation, and give the negative experience a place in the past- forever.

Keep me posted about how y'all are doing, ok?

take care,

Ilse.

Now that I've read this thread...I realize that it was my past demons that ruined my relationship... I was always so worried and so scared that there was "someone else" (because of what I've experienced in past relationships) that even though he used to be sweet and loved me soooo much, I constantly accused him and worried about him. If he had to work late and couldn't meet up with me, I'd start to freak out and would just question him, and wouldn't let him get off the phone. But I explained to him that I do have these issues...and after being with me for 1 year and 3 months, I thought he'd understand...but I guess I really needed to work on it, not just let him deal with it.

Now he's cold towards me.... i totally killed the relationship didn't I? I let my past dictate my future and now it's biting back....

Hey freeindeed,

I think it takes two people to make a relationship work. You didn't 'ruin' the relationship on your own, I think he just couldn't relate to those issues enough to understand. On the other hand, as I think you will see in the future when you have more closure about this relationship, you will see earlier on in a relationship where it's going wrong for you.

I have been in therapy because I have struggled with anxiety/depression. Part of the problem lies in the fact that I fear rejection. Now that I have been through more therapy, and gotten closer to the core, been through more than one breakup, I can anticipate on my fears. They are still there, but I was lucky to have seen my sensitivity to certain things.

It won't help if you blame yourself. I think you can learn from this, really. Try to make a list of 'events' that drive you crazy because you associate them with betrayal. For instance:

"Situation: bf is late and can't meet"

"Feeling: scared, angry, sad etc."

"First thought: he is cheating on me"

"Behaviour: started questioning on him on the phone"

"Alternative thought: he is just working late"

"Alternative behaviour: said to him it's ok, that I am sad we cannot meet, and made another date with him"

This is the kind of 'exercise' they make me do in therapy. The core points are the first thought; it's the direct 'inner voice' and it reveals a lot of thought-patterns that influence your emotional life. I would think things like "He is going to break up with me, you see, I KNEW it, I am never gonna find love". After that it's important to look at your behaviour. Your reaction was to start questioning and claiming him until you drove him crazy.

For me it has worked to FIRST work on the behaviour. If I find this coming up, I start directly by writing this down. It can be pretty intensive, the first times I was so shocked to read what I was actually writing down... I didn't even know that I found myself such a worthless person.

When I was in a long distance relation, I was also in the part of therapy where I started to 'apply' this, as I said, I chose to work from the outside-in. I started by NOT claiming my bf, but letting him free whenever there was a situation. I started by setting an alarmclock on 15 minutes. I was allowed to obsess and drive myself crazy for 15 mins, then I forced myself back to my studies. I couldn't allow myself to fall into depression again. And it worked. Gradually I had 'spontaneous' POSITIVE first thoughts.

It's still hard and I certainly have to force myself to really maintain the writing down stuff. My current relation is so perfect that I actually started to obsess about other things. Ugh can you believe that. Somehow my mind will do anything to prevent me from being happy

But I am going to beat this.

I recommend you to read the book 'Reinventing your life' by Young and Klosko. They are the pioneers of this therapy, which is called cognitive-behaviour therapy.

I hope I helped,

Ilse.

Thank you. That did help alot. So right now, I feel a little panicked because I wrote to him this morning and he usually writes back within an hour (when we're both at work)...

Situation: He isn't responding to my e-mail

Feeling: Worried, anxious, a little peeved.

First Thought: He's busy shmoozing with girls from his work and doesn't care to answer my questions in my e-mail. Feel used because I spent the night last night (i guess this is not directly related to the situation, but it popped up in my head.

Behaviour: Nothing yet, just thoughts, it's only been 3 1/2 hours since I sent the email.

Alternative Thought: He must be very busy at work fixing computers and taking calls.

Alternative Behavior: Just let him be and let him respond when he is able to.

That's pretty great, isle. Thank you. I know what's going on is probably petty (it's just an e-mail!) but I feel very fragile right now, and have thoughts where I just don't know what's going on....but this helped. I know I can't panic, he has a high-stress, attention stealing job and I have to be more understanding.

Oh, you should see the things that I could go ballistic about. Ugh. It was 'Oh, he didn't send me a heart on msn, and yesterday he did.' 'He probably met someone yesterday night and likes her more'.

You see? It was horrible... I really hope to get it out of my system for good, a lot of it has nothing to do with the relationship, nothing to do with him, but with the thought you have about yourself.

I discovered that the more I did this 'exercise', the less my first thought would apply to the boy. I would write 'I don't deserve love'. That's when I knew that THAT was my problem. By 'deciding' somewhere in my head that happiness was not for me, I sabotaged happiness by being scared about every little change in the relationship.

Keep me posted about how you're doing,

Ilse.

I guess you can say that I failed .

I was fine until I got home and he never called, so I really did panic (I know I should have done the exercise but I was just overtaken by emotion at the moment) and I ended up calling him and when he didn't answer I called over and over again, and when he finally picked up, he went ballistic and started cursing me out and telling me he's not going to pick up the phone anymore just because I "get panicky." I felt stupid after I did. But I just felt like I had no control. I think I have an impulse control problem. Maybe I'm too suspicious.

Hey girl,

You are already broken up now, and there is just no point in blaming yourself. I think he was plain rude on the phone. Could be he's just tired about things, my ex was irritated as well when we would have one of our dramas.

Don't contact him! I think moving on is the best thing to do. I have two tips for you, they are just based on my experience. That's to say, I am no psychologist or doctor. First, read that book. REALLY. 'Reinventing your life' Young&Klosko. Every bookstore that has a section of academia will also have this book.

The book is very much a guide. Practical and really no-nonsense. If you are going nuts for a long while and see you are unable to change it yourself, it can be really helpful to look for therapy or counselling. These exercises are a part of my therapy, they are not the whole therapy.

I hope you feel better. Don't be too hard on yourself. Many people are having a very hard time in distancing themselves from their exes. It takes time, but you will be ok.... seriously!

Ilse.