The degree of happiness in a relationship

[Timbits]

I have been contemplating about the corelation between romantic relationships and happiness in general; it turns out I'm even more confused. I've heard, countless times from countless ppl, that happiness is from within, only you can make yourself happy, no one else can. My question now is, what is the point of having a relationship if you are already happy? You could have many friendships and no romantic relationship and also be happy cant you? You can have a high paying job, a high profile sports car, a sailboat, a huge house and be happy cant you? But is it possible that having a relationship romantically with someone can actually bring a person happiness and inspiration to pursue happiness from within? Or does it only work one way? I am 24 years old and never had a girlfriend, and I have developed this 'biased' expectation that if I ever get into a relationship with a girl, it will make me happy and give me the drive and ambition to pursue my own happiness further. I think I am longing for someone to care for me in a way I've never experienced before and because I've never experienced that, I put so much faith in it that it will bring me joy. I cant help but think, whenver I meet a girl, she will be the one who brings out the true person in me and on that day I will be reborn into someone better than who I am today. And it is frightful because I look at things too deeply and analyze things too much when I know I shouldn't. I've read that I should relax and not expect great things from ppl I meet or I'll be heart broken if it doesnt turn out. However, sometimes I cant help it because its not everyday that I meet a girl who I have an instant connection with and I feel that everything is riding on this one girl. I become so excited and get ahead of myself sometimes developing ridiculous expectations in my head most of the time. Do any of you feel or have felt this way before? I feel that I need to do more living and by not having a girlfriend, I feel restrained and held back.

[SparklingKaren]

I hear ya. I felt that way for the longest time. I even allowed myself to be used by a couple guys, telling myself I just wanted a little fun, when in reality I wanted to feel cared for, even for a second. I never thought I could stop focusing on finding my happiness through a relationship. But the truth is, you can. Of course it feels good to have someone to cuddle with and to care for you. But in order to be lovable to someone else, you must first love yourself. Its hard to do, I know. It was for me anyway. But I realized that men(women in your case) may come and go, and people change over time. There are so many wonderful things in the world, a relationship is just one of them. Focus on making yourself the kind of person you would love. Do what you love doing, develop who you are, learn the kind of virtues that you find attractive in a person.

Honestly, no one wants someone who bases their happiness upon others. When you relax and realize that love will find you when you are happy enough to survive without it, your life will get a lot easier and a lot more fulfilling. We all are naturally attracted to those who are happiest because we feel that they are best able to contribute to our own happiness. Cultivate your life, enjoy the moment, pursue your dreams. Do what makes you feel good (as long as its legal). Have fun- that's what life is meant for. This is the only way to find real bliss- and it will stay with you even as girls come and go.

[FuriousSam]

Think about this quote: "Never let anyone go as far as being responsible for your own happiness."

Now to give you my opinion: I believe that we have several kinds of happiness. The words I use to describe them are material, logical, and spiritual.

Like you mentioned about wealth, that's material happiness. Then logical happiness is when your mind is happy. What I mean by that is let say you a high paying job, a high profile sports car, a sailboat, a huge house. But in order to get those, you have to have the right skills. And each time when you acquired a skill, your mind is happy. And last but not least, spiritual happiness is like having someone that you love and loves you back. That can be family, friends, lovers, pets, etc...

I am not sure if I explain everything well, but this is the best I can come up with so far. I will explain more if it need be.

And I like your signature: "There are no limitations to the mind except those we acknowledge... Both poverty and riches are the offspring of thought." -- Napoleon Hill

Did you read the book?

[annie24]

I agree with everything Karen said. You can't base your happiness on someone else. You do have to find that inspiration within yourself to live your life.

So, stop looking! Focus on yourself and your hobbies and your friends. Throw yourself into your work. Some woman will then find you to be a very captivating individual.

[cleverme123]

The same goes for having everything and not being happy. No one person will ful fill your life or make you feel completely satisfied unless you learn how to comfortably live your life by yourself and seek out your own happiness.

The key to a good relationship is two people that are independent and happy on their own but when they get together they function as one. It's that difficult concept that so many marriages and relationships lack that cause divorce.

I guess my answer is you can have everything and be happy but at some point you will want to share what you have with someone else. Once you are at a place where you are satisfied that is when you find yourself ready for the rest of stuff, marriage, kids, etc. etc.

But then again that is just my opinion.

[RayKay]

We are responsible for our own happiness, and we must source our happiness from within ourselves.

It is hard to explain how to achieve that - it comes from life experience, from a deep self awareness, from knowing our priorities and what is important in life. It involves knowing that when things go bad, it is not going to break you, and when things are going great that that is not ALL that makes us who we are.

We cannot depend on another person or even another exterior source such as money, jobs, for happiness because then we are never truly happy - we will bounce from person to person, job to job. We will externalize our happiness. We build expectations really high, put another on a pedestal, failing to realize they are people too, and will make mistakes, or things won't always go as we planned, and then we come crashing down from our "happiness level".

However, when we are truly happy with ourselves, we are also ready to love another as well. You learn to love, and be loved, by loving others. A loved one ENHANCES and ENRICHES our lives but we need to have that base first before we can build. When you love yourself you can truly give of yourself, and truly accept love in return...you want to share yourself with another, and for them to share with you. Until then, I think when you depend on another for happiness you are destined for disappointment as life throws its curves at you. As you almost smother that person as they realize they are the source of your happiness. You fail to grow as an individual and a couple - it is too dependent and one sided. Relationships should be about two independent people who are in a partnership.

[Day_Walker]

I believe that in order for a person to be truly happy they must be the source of their own happiness. After a person has achieved this then they arent depending on others as the source of their happiness which gives them a stronger foundation. Over time people invest time and effort into relationships and because of this the connection they have gets stronger the positive aspect of this can lead to happiness within the context of the relationship. Happiness with yourself and in the relationship are two seperate things but that doesnt mean one wont have an effect on the other.

As far as other things are concerned such as money or your career making you happy it has been said that money cant buy you happiness but you can rent it. that statement implies that there are certain things that create euphoria. This type of feeling is temporary because it has no kind of foundation it is simply dependent on this outside entity.