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Thread: Unhappy In My Relationship But Don't Want To Break Up

  1. #1
    Member LostInTranslation's Avatar
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    Unhappy In My Relationship But Don't Want To Break Up

    I have been dating my girlfriend for four months now. We instantly hit it off the moment we met and things were so great. We both have fallen in love with each other and have become really good friends.

    For the last two months, I feel we have drifted apart. At times, she won't return my calls. She has broken several of our dates without even letting me know. She rarely makes plans to see me, even with our mutual friends. She rarely expresses how she feels for me and she doesn't make me feel important to her. She has been dealing with a lot of issues in her life concerning her ex-husband and daughter.

    I understand that her priorities may not concern me, but I have tried backing off and giving her space. But she always tells me that she loves me and wants me in her life. She has actually cried and begged me not to leave. I've been very supportive of her, but it has taken a toll on me and I don't know how much more I can take.

    I just can't be there whenever it is convenient for her. I feel I am her rebound and safety net even though she denies that I am. I just cannot continue this for much longer because I am unhappy. I have tried talking to her about this, but nothing has changed. I just need more from her.

    I have always believed that you can't put a time limit on love, but I have decided to give this two more weeks since we have plans coming up. I'm going to take one last try to show her how I feel and hopefully she will respond. If not, I feel I have to end the relationship no matter how much she cries and begs me not to leave and no matter how much I don't want to let her go.

    Am I being selfish by wanting her to put more effort into me? Am I being too clingy? Has anyone ever felt the way that I do - give so much and not receive anything? Any advice is appreciated.

  2. #2
    Member Breea's Avatar
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    I can relate...

    Although our situations are much different, I can certainly relate to how you are feeling. I love my bf with all my heart and want to be with him, but something is missing on his part. He holds back somewhat and has not made himself vulnerable to me, which is not a good sign. We've been together almost a year and to top it off live together which further complicates things.

    I do not want to leave, but know I probably should. It sounds like you are saying that she does not give herself to you the extent that you give yourself to her. Right? It hurts so bad. That's how I feel, anyway. I can't settle in the long run. Nobody should in my opinion.

    My only advice is to COMMUNICATE how you feel to her. Tell her what you need in order to stay and be together. Be honest and let her know what's going on in your heart. Best wishes to you in doing what's best for you. -Bree

  3. #3
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    I too think it's a difficult situation. It may be hard when one person puts more into a relationship than another. You say that you're in love with her, which means you love her. Divorce and a child are hard to get through. Seems it's up to you if you want to be there for her. I don't think love is something set to time.

    It should be embraced and hopefully you'll see how you'll be happier. She may not be able to everything to you since she's giving much of herself to her troubles. Maybe try like the previous post said to relate to her and continue showing your love. She should understand but be strong and you two will be hopefully good. Take it easy.

  4. #4
    Member cleverme123's Avatar
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    thoughts...

    She is oblivious to the fact that she is disrespecting you and is walking all over you like a door mat. The longer you let her do this the more she will. So my suggestion, you don't need more effort, you need to tell her either choose to be in the relationship and have respect or break up with you so you can stop waiting around hoping she will change.

    You are most certainly doomed if you allow things to continue like this, it will only get worse. And she cares more about doing what she needs to do than calling you or even showing up for your dates. Love means you respect one another. From what you said she has no respect for you. Sorry if I sound harsh but I put it all out there.
    Life is what you make it...Not what other people do to you.

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  6. #5
    Member marijo2480's Avatar
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    I agree with cleverme. Do not be a doormat! I think you know what you need to do, you just want reassurance. You've said it yourself....you're unhappy! When you love someone and are as serious as you two once seemed to be, you don't act flaky (not showing up for dates), not calling, etc. 9 times out of 10, when you have that gut feeling that you may the rebound, you probably are!! I wish you luck and hope you make a decision that you can be happy about.

  7. #6
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    I think you have a good gameplan there man. Give it 2 weeks, see how the plans go, and if nothing changes, then you move on. Good luck.
    "Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently."

    Very few people can be totally ruthless. It isn't easy; it takes more strength than you might believe.

  8. #7
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    She has gone through a messy, hard situation and may feel uneasy about being vulnerable with you. She has to learn to communicate. Don't be a doormat and let her get away with it. After my divorce, when I started dating my now-bf, it was hard. I always felt like something was missing. I now realize I just missed the comfort of being married; I knew what my ex expected and liked. Now, I'm with a new guy, and I wondered where I stood with him. It is hared and it has taken us a lot of deep conversations to get to where we are now. Good luck with her!
    Joy
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    joysalinger@hotmail.com

  9. #8

    Break Up Man

    I so understand your situation as I am just going through a very similar scenario. She drives me crazy and I love her so dearly, yet she is not willing to change back to her once passionate loving self.

    I have tried breaking up with her 4-5 times now but every time she calls me back begging me to reconsider. This time I have deleted all her number and contact information to make sure that I would not be able to talk to her. After every miss call I now immediately delete her number or voice mail. It is so painful but I really donít think things will be any better if you wait. She will only make matters worst and you will feel very degrading and unworthy. A pretty hard blow for ones self esteem and confidence.

    Go out with your mates and have some fun. Keep yourself busy and try not to be alone during this time. Good luck!

  10. #9

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    HEY! I am so glad I found this site... I have been with my guy two years and he doesn't make time for me... I moved to another state with him with no friends and no family and we live together! But honestly we only spend ONE day a week together, doing his stuff... I don't know what to do. He spends all of his time working, working out, and sleeping... he just kinda fits me in where he has time...so now I live in some tiny icky town, I don't know ANYONE but his family, work at a "____-Mart" and spend my time alone... I'm sad and lonely.... thnks peeps

  11. #10
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    I can definitely relate. My ex was giving much less than what I was putting into it. Yet she never wanted it to end. I ended it in a fit of rage, twice. The last time was the final time.

    My only advise to you would be to expect nothing. Literally, nothing. No return phone calls, emails, attention, etc. Would that make you happy? Probably not, because that is what you experiencing right now. But if you did, it would be complete acceptance of the situation.

    Are you being too clingy or needy? Maybe, but only in terms of what you expect to get out of the relationship. The situation of what she is experiencing may be taking its toll on her and leaves her nothing to give back.

    Call me cynical, but I don't think she will change. She needs to get her head on straight.

    The best advise I can give, which is what I wish I had done, and is sit down with her and explain exactly how you feel and let her know you cannot continue with this relationship because it is making you unhappy because you want and deserve certain things. You know you want it, so why can't you have it? At the very least, she should provide you with common courtesy. Think about what you are willing to sacrifice and the things you will not tolerate. Nothing excuses rudeness though.

    Of course, I could see her responding with that she is going through a lot and you are demanding a lot from her and giving added pressure to her life and that you are being selfish. If looking out for your own happiness is selfish, so be it. But you shouldn't have to be miserable to make someone happy. But in reality, you aren't making her happy, she's probably not even making herself happy. If she wants to continue with the relationship, she needs to put in some effort. It's up to decide how much effort you expect for her to put in.

    I want to add after reading some of your threads that this girl sounds like some of the girls you have dated. You need to stand up for yourself (be assertive, not aggressive) and demand what you deserve. I don't think you have demand the world, just something you'd expect from a friend.
    Last edited by keith515; 12-01-2008 at 11:28 PM.

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