Why does she do this?

Abby · 02-04-2005, 12:19 PM

Firstly, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place

Whenever my mum is asked if she'll do childcare either by myself or my brother, she tends to panic, list all the obstacles, then frets and loses sleep over them!

I'm talking about a woman who whinges that she feels she's not a part of her grandchildren's lives. The fact is, she is a part of their lives and very much so at that. The children love being with her. She whinges that my brother's in-laws get to have more time with his daughter than she does. This isn't true at all. She also whinges that I rely largely on respite care via social services as my eldest child is disabled. For one, we don't ask her a lot because it is a lot to ask especially with my son's special needs. Secondly, before we had respite care in place, her response, when we asked if she could child-mind occasionally was such that we didn't know if we have help or not and lastly, my in-laws don't live in the area so they can't be of hands-on help so we really feel it's not right to ask mum too much.

My husband and I always assumed these obstacles she listed were a by-product of her reluctance, as if she can list enough it'll get her out of doing it. But then this conflicts with her whinging about not being grandmother to her grandchildren. Also, since I've learned that she's listing obstacles toward my brother, whose child she wants to look after because of the close proximity of the "competition" (niece's maternal grandparents) to see her granddaughter, either it's not the case at all or she really doesn't want to help either of us.

These obstacles can be as simple as where the child is looked after (she much prefers her own home but that's difficult for my disabled child and all his necessary equipment) but mostly it's the possibility of her being required to travel. She can't drive and has no desire to but I live within walking distance now whereas my brother is a short drive/bus ride away.

She'll have an hour after finishing work to collect my niece from nursery. We're on a frequent bus route so there are no problems there but her worry was, "What if the bus is late/breaks down?" If she'd calmed down and thought about it, she could've seen the logical steps to take. I told her that buses are so regular that she doesn't even need a timetable but she knows where the bus station is to get one. Alas, she didn't so my brother (or his wife) got one for her. Also, I suggested she get my niece's school's phone number in her mobile phone so if there is a problem with the bus breaking down or being late (which I seriously doubt there will be), she can ring them and they'll look after my niece till she gets there. They certainly won't kick a 3 year old out of the school because her grandparent has had trouble arriving on time one day! As long as they're aware of the situation, they'll be fine. I assured her that schools are very good in that respect and explained what happened to me one time with my youngest child when I was unable to get to his school in time.

Now that problem's solved (not by her), she can't argue with the logic so now she's invented another obstacle!

Since she's only required to collect her niece from nursery 2 days per week (my brother has found alternative childcare for other days), Mum's now panicking in case those two days clash with my children's teacher training days where they have to stay off school. No problem with my youngest as he can get on the bus with her (naturally, I'd pay his bus fare) but my eldest, being disabled, is a wheelchair user and although the local authority have modified the height of the bus stops in the area, not all the buses have changed yet to allow wheelchair access so you don't know which bus, until it arrives, you can get on so that is actually a problem. As it happens, my eldest son's teacher training days for the rest of this school year don't clash so there's not a problem (all she had to do was check with me) but even if it was, we have a local taxi firm who have quite a lot of wheelchair accessible taxis available for booking. Of course, we'd pay the taxi fare. Another potential problem solved (again, not by her). But she still blinking panics and I'm beginning to wonder what she'll come up with next!

My mum brought up 3 kids (me and two brothers) with all the struggles she faced. Dad, a nice man, is old fashioned in that his contribution to parenthood was conception. She coped with difficulties with the, "It's a case of having to," attitude and she managed very well.

So, I don't understand why she crumbles at perceived obstacles. She seems totally incapable of thinking logically. How can I encourage her to think for herself without panicking and if there is a dilemma just to think logically about it, step-by-step? Do you know of any problem-solving material/scenarios I could use to help her? I don't mind helping her but I can't help but feel like she's behaving like a helpless child which doesn't suit a 54 year old at all.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Many thanks.

Beec · 02-04-2005, 06:08 PM

I think the question is to ask her which way she wants it. Next time she complains about not getting tosee them enough, tell her to remember and make a point of it exactly what she is saying, then when she balks at coming over bring it up, and ask her which way she wants it.

It really sounds as if she either is jsut becoming a complainer or wants to see appreciation. When and if she does come over, and before you begin showing her the contradictions, maybe you try to show appreciation for her efforts. And ask her over when you don't need a babysitter to jsut see your kids. It would seem likely to me that maybe with her husband the way he is, she did not get much appreciation. We all want to know we are wanted and needed, adn we all want to be appreciated.

02-04-2005, 12:19 PM	#1
Abby Offline Member Join Date: Sep 2003 Gender: None Specified Posts: 88	Why does she do this? Firstly, I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place Whenever my mum is asked if she'll do childcare either by myself or my brother, she tends to panic, list all the obstacles, then frets and loses sleep over them! I'm talking about a woman who whinges that she feels she's not a part of her grandchildren's lives. The fact is, she is a part of their lives and very much so at that. The children love being with her. She whinges that my brother's in-laws get to have more time with his daughter than she does. This isn't true at all. She also whinges that I rely largely on respite care via social services as my eldest child is disabled. For one, we don't ask her a lot because it is a lot to ask especially with my son's special needs. Secondly, before we had respite care in place, her response, when we asked if she could child-mind occasionally was such that we didn't know if we have help or not and lastly, my in-laws don't live in the area so they can't be of hands-on help so we really feel it's not right to ask mum too much. My husband and I always assumed these obstacles she listed were a by-product of her reluctance, as if she can list enough it'll get her out of doing it. But then this conflicts with her whinging about not being grandmother to her grandchildren. Also, since I've learned that she's listing obstacles toward my brother, whose child she wants to look after because of the close proximity of the "competition" (niece's maternal grandparents) to see her granddaughter, either it's not the case at all or she really doesn't want to help either of us. These obstacles can be as simple as where the child is looked after (she much prefers her own home but that's difficult for my disabled child and all his necessary equipment) but mostly it's the possibility of her being required to travel. She can't drive and has no desire to but I live within walking distance now whereas my brother is a short drive/bus ride away. She'll have an hour after finishing work to collect my niece from nursery. We're on a frequent bus route so there are no problems there but her worry was, "What if the bus is late/breaks down?" If she'd calmed down and thought about it, she could've seen the logical steps to take. I told her that buses are so regular that she doesn't even need a timetable but she knows where the bus station is to get one. Alas, she didn't so my brother (or his wife) got one for her. Also, I suggested she get my niece's school's phone number in her mobile phone so if there is a problem with the bus breaking down or being late (which I seriously doubt there will be), she can ring them and they'll look after my niece till she gets there. They certainly won't kick a 3 year old out of the school because her grandparent has had trouble arriving on time one day! As long as they're aware of the situation, they'll be fine. I assured her that schools are very good in that respect and explained what happened to me one time with my youngest child when I was unable to get to his school in time. Now that problem's solved (not by her), she can't argue with the logic so now she's invented another obstacle! Since she's only required to collect her niece from nursery 2 days per week (my brother has found alternative childcare for other days), Mum's now panicking in case those two days clash with my children's teacher training days where they have to stay off school. No problem with my youngest as he can get on the bus with her (naturally, I'd pay his bus fare) but my eldest, being disabled, is a wheelchair user and although the local authority have modified the height of the bus stops in the area, not all the buses have changed yet to allow wheelchair access so you don't know which bus, until it arrives, you can get on so that is actually a problem. As it happens, my eldest son's teacher training days for the rest of this school year don't clash so there's not a problem (all she had to do was check with me) but even if it was, we have a local taxi firm who have quite a lot of wheelchair accessible taxis available for booking. Of course, we'd pay the taxi fare. Another potential problem solved (again, not by her). But she still blinking panics and I'm beginning to wonder what she'll come up with next! My mum brought up 3 kids (me and two brothers) with all the struggles she faced. Dad, a nice man, is old fashioned in that his contribution to parenthood was conception. She coped with difficulties with the, "It's a case of having to," attitude and she managed very well. So, I don't understand why she crumbles at perceived obstacles. She seems totally incapable of thinking logically. How can I encourage her to think for herself without panicking and if there is a dilemma just to think logically about it, step-by-step? Do you know of any problem-solving material/scenarios I could use to help her? I don't mind helping her but I can't help but feel like she's behaving like a helpless child which doesn't suit a 54 year old at all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks.

02-04-2005, 06:08 PM	#2
Beec Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Dec 2003 Location: New York Posts: 7,556	I think the question is to ask her which way she wants it. Next time she complains about not getting tosee them enough, tell her to remember and make a point of it exactly what she is saying, then when she balks at coming over bring it up, and ask her which way she wants it. It really sounds as if she either is jsut becoming a complainer or wants to see appreciation. When and if she does come over, and before you begin showing her the contradictions, maybe you try to show appreciation for her efforts. And ask her over when you don't need a babysitter to jsut see your kids. It would seem likely to me that maybe with her husband the way he is, she did not get much appreciation. We all want to know we are wanted and needed, adn we all want to be appreciated.