how do i have to see this?

Steffie · 01-26-2005, 11:13 AM

i'm a very jealous woman and a month ago i found out my bf watch pictures of naked women on internet.
i was very upset when he told me that.
i told him it makes me feel very insurance and degrading when he sees other naked women.
why is he doing that?am i not good enough?not attractive enough?isn't my body enough for him?
he promised me to stop but i don't know or i can believe him.
he would't cheat on me with another women (in real life), but how do i have to see this?
is watching naked women on pictures a kind of infidelity?

i know they are not real women but it bothers me that he likes to watch them only because they are naked.
does it mean my naked body is not special for him?if he watches all naked bodys?
is he 'cheating' on me in his mind by getting excited from other naked women and has fantasies about them?

i really like to know what your opinion about this subject is.
Steffie

Lonelyinasmalltown · 01-26-2005, 11:28 AM

This is going to be a little hard to explain. Just because your BF looks at pictures of naked women doesn't mean that you're not attractive enough. Please never think that. It's just something that a lot of guys do. Almost all my male friends look at stuff like this (it's too redely available in my opinion), but they all love and cherish their girlfriends/wives.

I can understand why you would be upset though. You've asked him to stop and if he truly loves you he will. If he doesn't maybe you can look at this stuff together, if it's not too offensive for you. I know it's helped spice up many a sex life. Just don't make a habit of it. lol

Seriously, it's not cheating though and if it really does bug you, you're right you shouldn't have to deal with it. If your BF can't respect that then you need to sit him done and tell him again.

Day_Walker · 01-26-2005, 01:19 PM

Looking at pornography when you have a significant other is not cheating. However you seem to have a problem with him doing this. This issue is simply exploiting an insecurity that you already have within yoruself. One of two things are going to happen he stops looking at the pornography or you have to confront these issues and talk them out with urself and ur bf.

DN · 01-26-2005, 06:49 PM

generally speaking (and with major exceptions) males and females regard pornography differently. Guys see it as harmless fantasy. Because men are hardwired to be visually stimulated pornography is a turn-on. But it does not mean that you are not attractive enough, sexy enough or that he doesn't love you. It has almost nothing to do with you in his mind.

Women tend to be less visual and more 'romantically inclined" Even when into porn it is usually 'soft' rather than 'hard and has to have context rather than just two people going at it.

Warning: plenty people do not agree with the following!!!

Women also have their fantasies that play to their view of sexuality: they read romance novels, watch "chick flicks" and watch soap operas. They ooh and aah over rock stars and actors. This is really much the same as men watching pornography, it's just fantasy but expressed in a different way. But we are socialised to believe that romance is ok and sex is dirty, so women feel threatened. But they should not, anymore than men should feel threatened by their girlfriends and wives going all dewy eyed over Brad Pitt or (insert handsome hunk of choice)

danalashell · 02-25-2005, 06:44 PM

This may sound kind of harsh, but right before I got married, my Mom gave me a little piece of advice. She said" It does not matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home to eat." I have always followed that, and as long as he comes home to eat, i don't push it.

**arwen** · 02-26-2005, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Looking at pornography when you have a significant other is not cheating. However you seem to have a problem with him doing this. This issue is simply exploiting an insecurity that you already have within yoruself. One of two things are going to happen he stops looking at the pornography or you have to confront these issues and talk them out with urself and ur bf.

In my opinion, there is no universal and strict definition for cheating. In a healthy relationship, there is a mutual agreement on what is considered cheating and what not. I know people who have open relationships, and are happy with that. I also know people who really don't worry if their significant other will sit on the lap of another friend of the opposite sex, or kiss them on the lips.

The core fact here is that YOU feel ignored and ugly. If your man cares about how you feel, he will at least try to make things better for you. Why should this be YOUR insecurity, and for YOU to solve?

Men being hard-wired for visual stimulation, another one that I really don't understand. Oh, I do understand that pornography is visual AND stimulating for certain areas, but there is a 3D woman in this man's life, who he is supposed to meet in her needs. He isn't and therefore, the fact about being hard-wired is besides the issue here.

WHY is it that because in a MAN's mind the things are seperated, it should be ok? In the WOMAN's mind they are NOT separated, clearly, so clearly at both ends communication and concessions will be needed for this.

Ilse.

DN · 02-26-2005, 05:23 PM

[quote="ilse"]

Quote:

Men being hard-wired for visual stimulation, another one that I really don't understand. .

He isn't and therefore, the fact about being hard-wired is besides the issue here.

WHY is it that because in a MAN's mind the things are seperated, it should be ok? In the WOMAN's mind they are NOT separated, clearly, so clearly at both ends communication and concessions will be needed for this.

Ilse.

It is perhaps hard for some women to understand but as I said above it is much the same as when women read romance novels. It is fantasy and let's not pretend that even the most happy and committed couples don't fantasise about others. And there are also plenty of women who like pornography and go to Copperfields etc. They may react differently but the motivation is the same.

If men are hard-wired to react in a certain way it is bootless to say it is beside the point - it is the point and to pretend it is not perpetuates the problem instead of solving it.

And neither gender has a monopoly on being right. A man might say "why is it that because women don't understand about the male view of pornography and feel threatened by it, even though there is no need, that they assert the right to control me and what goes on in my head".

The way to deal with this issue, as Ilse rightly says is concessions on both sides. He needs to accept that she feels threatened about it and take pains to assure her that he loves her, wants her, desires her and has as much intention of moving to LA to try and hook up with a porn star as he does of flying to the moon. He should also be less overt about watching pornography, and be more discreet.

She should accept those reassurances and concentrate on being more understanding and less controlling.

It would also help if both paid extra attention to pleasing one another sexually and emotionally.

**arwen** · 02-26-2005, 06:12 PM

Hey DN, it seems we're (almost) on the same page. In fact, I have managed to find a man with whom I can actually communicate about this. Personally, if I were to find out my man would look into some pictures or stuff, I wouldn't mind as long as I still have the feeling he adores me above all. I think it would be very degrading for me when I wouldn't get any (so to speak), and the man would spend all his time at the pc browsing.

The analogy with romances, I don't see why men could take that personal anyway, if you can explain? There are no pictures of other women in those novels, and they are mostly written by women or couples (well, that info came from a movie lol, so I don't know).

As for fantasies, as long as it's in the mind, it's really different from anything that's represented on a pc/pornmovie I think. I have fantasies too, and I don't feel I should fess them up or anything. It's different when the fantasy is related to a real person or directly translated to porn, I think. It feels different for a woman.

Since I am in safe anonimity, let me illustrate personally. I have not been blessed with big boobs or voluptious curves. I have been blessed with a very tight and athletic body though

I am not insecure about my body, but I can be about the sexuality of my body. Of course, it's kind of frustrating to see pics of naked boobs all around everywhere. Can you blame a woman for getting insecure from that? It doesn't mean they shouldn't be! A lot of damage is already done by commercials and media in general.

Suppose my bf would fantasize about bigger boobs. I can imagine, I might just as well fantasize about him being taller than he is, or having dark hair. Suppose I would be in the situation where he would watch big boobs and then get turned on, and sleep with me. You can tell me it isn't related, but I am sure I would feel very bad in this situation.

This is a very sensitive topic I think. Personally, I think that the main difference is the direct picture of your man's fantasy you can deduce from seeing what he watches on i-net or pornmovies. It takes either Pamela Anderson herself or a very very very confident woman to NOT compare herself to the things her man is watching.

And this is what I think, Steffie, getting back to you, you should communicate with your man. If you have a good relationship, there is room for an honest conversation. You don't have to blame him directly, you can just say to him that the pictures make you feel you are not attractive. I think you would feel a lot better when your man would be considerate to you, and give you reassurance of who you are to him and how beautiful you are for him. I am sure you are for him, you know. Don't let this become something between you, try to work on this in a way you grow together. In the end, porn IS a form of fantasy and however we might feel about it, also the paint-brushed models, edited and well on the digi-photos grow old and ugly like all of us. What you need is the feeling he prefers you above any other woman.

Ilse.

DN · 02-26-2005, 06:22 PM

I don't think men do take it personal, they don't see it as competition whereas some women do, as you go on to explain.

The point is, and this is really important to understand:

they are not comparing you with the porn star.

It is not about you and your body - they don't compare boobs, butts, body size, expertise or anything else. They just like watching it. Just like women like reading romance novels. It is just a fantasy, a story. They watch Lord of the Rings and enjoy watching Aragorn defeat orcs and trolls etc. They wouldn't know how to handle themeselves in that situation and don't care - they know they will never be in that situation. Nor will they ever be with a porn star - and probably wouldn't know how to handle themselves in that situation either.

It isn't about not desiring you, or loving you - it's just isn't about you in that way.

Just like when a woman reads a romance novel she isn't thinking she's going to run away to Corfu with a tall, dark, handsome investment banker.

OceanEyes · 02-26-2005, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DN

They watch Lord of the Rings and enjoy watching Aragorn defeat orcs and trolls etc. They wouldn't know how to handle themeselves in that situation and don't care.

I'm pretty sure that I'd know how to handle myself in that situation, words would not be required. (jokes

)

Porn is an unbelievably sensitive topic to a very large amount of women. That alone, should tell you something. I don't think that it's ever a good thing to tell someone that they are wrong for feeling a certain way, because I don't believe that anyone ever wants to be hurting, or feel inadeqate. It's invalidating to say, "you shouldn't feel bad about this, it's natural, DEAL WITH IT", which so many people do. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

Steffie: I've had a couple of fairly 'deep' conversations with some male friends regarding this issue. Overall, they have seemed very surprised that some women find their porn-viewing habits so offensive. Why? Because they don't even associate pornography with the sex life they share with you. It's something completely different, and means absolutely nothing to them but some visual stimulation; hence, why some guys will say, "what's the big deal?". It's because in their minds, it really isn't a big deal.

The only thing that will matter, when all is said and done, is how you are able to deal with it.

01-26-2005, 11:13 AM	#1
Steffie Offline Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 14	how do i have to see this? i'm a very jealous woman and a month ago i found out my bf watch pictures of naked women on internet. i was very upset when he told me that. i told him it makes me feel very insurance and degrading when he sees other naked women. why is he doing that?am i not good enough?not attractive enough?isn't my body enough for him? he promised me to stop but i don't know or i can believe him. he would't cheat on me with another women (in real life), but how do i have to see this? is watching naked women on pictures a kind of infidelity? i know they are not real women but it bothers me that he likes to watch them only because they are naked. does it mean my naked body is not special for him?if he watches all naked bodys? is he 'cheating' on me in his mind by getting excited from other naked women and has fantasies about them? i really like to know what your opinion about this subject is. Steffie

01-26-2005, 11:28 AM	#2
Lonelyinasmalltown Offline Gold Member Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Alberta, Canada Age: 34 Posts: 529	This is going to be a little hard to explain. Just because your BF looks at pictures of naked women doesn't mean that you're not attractive enough. Please never think that. It's just something that a lot of guys do. Almost all my male friends look at stuff like this (it's too redely available in my opinion), but they all love and cherish their girlfriends/wives. I can understand why you would be upset though. You've asked him to stop and if he truly loves you he will. If he doesn't maybe you can look at this stuff together, if it's not too offensive for you. I know it's helped spice up many a sex life. Just don't make a habit of it. lol Seriously, it's not cheating though and if it really does bug you, you're right you shouldn't have to deal with it. If your BF can't respect that then you need to sit him done and tell him again. __________________ "Never make someone a priority.... When they only make you an option." "Love is giving someone the ability to absolutely destroy you.... and trusting that they won't"

01-26-2005, 01:19 PM	#3
Day_Walker Offline Platinum Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: California Gender: Male Age: 28 Posts: 4,884	Looking at pornography when you have a significant other is not cheating. However you seem to have a problem with him doing this. This issue is simply exploiting an insecurity that you already have within yoruself. One of two things are going to happen he stops looking at the pornography or you have to confront these issues and talk them out with urself and ur bf. __________________ "A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it the superficial appearance of being right, and raises at first a formidable outcry in defense of custom. But the tumult soon subsides. Time makes more converts than reason." Thomas Paine "The wise man questions others wisdom because he questions his own, the foolish man because it is different from his own." Leo Stein

01-26-2005, 06:49 PM	#4
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	generally speaking (and with major exceptions) males and females regard pornography differently. Guys see it as harmless fantasy. Because men are hardwired to be visually stimulated pornography is a turn-on. But it does not mean that you are not attractive enough, sexy enough or that he doesn't love you. It has almost nothing to do with you in his mind. Women tend to be less visual and more 'romantically inclined" Even when into porn it is usually 'soft' rather than 'hard and has to have context rather than just two people going at it. Warning: plenty people do not agree with the following!!! Women also have their fantasies that play to their view of sexuality: they read romance novels, watch "chick flicks" and watch soap operas. They ooh and aah over rock stars and actors. This is really much the same as men watching pornography, it's just fantasy but expressed in a different way. But we are socialised to believe that romance is ok and sex is dirty, so women feel threatened. But they should not, anymore than men should feel threatened by their girlfriends and wives going all dewy eyed over Brad Pitt or (insert handsome hunk of choice) __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-26-2005, 06:12 PM	#8
arwen Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: The Netherlands Gender: Female Age: 29 Posts: 5,396	Hey DN, it seems we're (almost) on the same page. In fact, I have managed to find a man with whom I can actually communicate about this. Personally, if I were to find out my man would look into some pictures or stuff, I wouldn't mind as long as I still have the feeling he adores me above all. I think it would be very degrading for me when I wouldn't get any (so to speak), and the man would spend all his time at the pc browsing. The analogy with romances, I don't see why men could take that personal anyway, if you can explain? There are no pictures of other women in those novels, and they are mostly written by women or couples (well, that info came from a movie lol, so I don't know). As for fantasies, as long as it's in the mind, it's really different from anything that's represented on a pc/pornmovie I think. I have fantasies too, and I don't feel I should fess them up or anything. It's different when the fantasy is related to a real person or directly translated to porn, I think. It feels different for a woman. Since I am in safe anonimity, let me illustrate personally. I have not been blessed with big boobs or voluptious curves. I have been blessed with a very tight and athletic body though I am not insecure about my body, but I can be about the sexuality of my body. Of course, it's kind of frustrating to see pics of naked boobs all around everywhere. Can you blame a woman for getting insecure from that? It doesn't mean they shouldn't be! A lot of damage is already done by commercials and media in general. Suppose my bf would fantasize about bigger boobs. I can imagine, I might just as well fantasize about him being taller than he is, or having dark hair. Suppose I would be in the situation where he would watch big boobs and then get turned on, and sleep with me. You can tell me it isn't related, but I am sure I would feel very bad in this situation. This is a very sensitive topic I think. Personally, I think that the main difference is the direct picture of your man's fantasy you can deduce from seeing what he watches on i-net or pornmovies. It takes either Pamela Anderson herself or a very very very confident woman to NOT compare herself to the things her man is watching. And this is what I think, Steffie, getting back to you, you should communicate with your man. If you have a good relationship, there is room for an honest conversation. You don't have to blame him directly, you can just say to him that the pictures make you feel you are not attractive. I think you would feel a lot better when your man would be considerate to you, and give you reassurance of who you are to him and how beautiful you are for him. I am sure you are for him, you know. Don't let this become something between you, try to work on this in a way you grow together. In the end, porn IS a form of fantasy and however we might feel about it, also the paint-brushed models, edited and well on the digi-photos grow old and ugly like all of us. What you need is the feeling he prefers you above any other woman. Ilse. __________________ You always* have a choice.* 11 February 2010: [Only registered and activated users can see links. ]* is due!* Please see the forum rules for posting on enotalone.com

02-25-2005, 06:44 PM	#5
danalashell Offline Member Join Date: Feb 2005 Age: 31 Posts: 2	This may sound kind of harsh, but right before I got married, my Mom gave me a little piece of advice. She said" It does not matter where he gets his appetite, as long as he comes home to eat." I have always followed that, and as long as he comes home to eat, i don't push it.

02-26-2005, 06:22 PM	#9
DN Online Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,445	I don't think men do take it personal, they don't see it as competition whereas some women do, as you go on to explain. The point is, and this is really important to understand: they are not comparing you with the porn star. It is not about you and your body - they don't compare boobs, butts, body size, expertise or anything else. They just like watching it. Just like women like reading romance novels. It is just a fantasy, a story. They watch Lord of the Rings and enjoy watching Aragorn defeat orcs and trolls etc. They wouldn't know how to handle themeselves in that situation and don't care - they know they will never be in that situation. Nor will they ever be with a porn star - and probably wouldn't know how to handle themselves in that situation either. It isn't about not desiring you, or loving you - it's just isn't about you in that way. Just like when a woman reads a romance novel she isn't thinking she's going to run away to Corfu with a tall, dark, handsome investment banker. __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".