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How does NC affect the dumper??


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I've read all the things on here about no contact and the effects/benefits on the dumpees who've inititated it.

 

But I haven't really found anything on the effects/benefits of no contact on the dumper whose had no contact initiated on them?? How exactly does it help them? or does it not serve any purpose for them?

 

I know it's obviously aimed at the person who's been dumped but I'm curious about the dumper.

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NC really doesn't necessarily affect the dumper at all. It is a way for the dumpee to get over his/her ex if he/she still wants the ex back. It won't bring a dumper back if that person doesn't already want to come back. It might make them miss the dumpee or wonder what the dumpee is up to.

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I think the whole point of NC is for you to STOP worrying about what the dumper may or may not be feeling and thinking. NC is to help YOU, stop thinking about him/her so often and to stop being hurt repeatedly by contact with them. It's all about you here, baby!!!!

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I was the dumper. I was still in love with my ex and being in contact with him just made me see all the good things about us instead of all the things I could no longer live with.

Because I didn't keep no contact with him I fell back and HARD and then became the dumpee as he then rejected me.

A break up is hard on both parties. If I was smart I would have stayed away for two years and then tried to be friends, not the other way around.

Though I know we aren't right for each other it kills me to see him with someone else. Until I am past that I should have as little contact with him as possible.

Just because someone isn't right for you doesn't mean you stop loving them. It still hurts like a mofo and takes time to get over. NC is good for both parties.

Even if one of them is decidedly over the other, NC should be in effect until they are both on that same page.

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I too was a dumper, and initiated NC for my own peace of mind. After 3 months I found I was comfortable single, and had long realised all the faults that had been in the relationship(e.g. it is not acceptable for a bf to ignore his gf for 3 weeks at a time for no reason...) I initiated NC in the hopes of getting back together, but as the weeks rolled by I realised how overdue my decision had been, and it reinforced the choice I made,along with the support of my friends

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I think fi you are the dumper, the thing to ask is what does contact do? NC may not change how you feel, it may allow you to move on, you may change your mind. But contact could change things too.

 

If the person changed and had contact, and what you ended it over was no longer there, wuoldn't you think about being with them again.

 

If they are never going to be an option, would contact feel good? Would they be ok with being just friends? Will they still try to get you back, which is annoying if you the dumper.

 

I think it depends.

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dragongirl 724--

 

while i think that what you said in your post (the link that i read) is true some of the time, i don't think it is true all of the time.

 

I wanted to know from a dumper if the NC rule has ever worked on them. apparently, sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not.

 

the one thing that i know for sure in this whole process is that there are no set hard and fast rules, and nothing is guaranteed.

 

on another note, this site is really helpful because you get a chance to see so many perspectives on one problem. some people are really positive, upbeat and really want you to feel better. others seem to be really jaded, and although they have harsh words for you, they want you to feel better too. tough love i guess.

 

as for my situation, all i know is that i hurt, really, really bad. i really do love him (not the idea of him), but at the same time-- i know that i need time to myself. lack of that time for myself is what probably got me into this predicament in the first place.

 

i just want to get to the point where i don't feel so cruddy anymore. i want to get to the point where i don't think about him all the time. i want to get back to myself.

 

this website is definitely something that can help with that process.

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I wanted to know from a dumper if the NC rule has ever worked on them. apparently, sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not.

 

im sorry youre hurting & im glad you read my post, but right now you need to concentrate on you. NC is not a method to win back nayones love. thats the pt im trying to make. free will is what its all about & if you reverse roles & you didnt want your ex back but he all did 'nc' but u had it set in your mind & heart you dont want them back..would him doing nc work? no it wouldnt. i made a post about how to go about healing. if i can locate it i will post it for you.

 

-DG724

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I've read all the things on here about no contact and the effects/benefits on the dumpees who've inititated it.

 

But I haven't really found anything on the effects/benefits of no contact on the dumper whose had no contact initiated on them?? How exactly does it help them? or does it not serve any purpose for them?

 

I know it's obviously aimed at the person who's been dumped but I'm curious about the dumper.

 

After a breakup regardless, there is less responsibilities expected from 1 another. By having NC, would be a way since it would be almost similar to being friends you hardly KIT. When there is less contact, there is less worries, less responsibilities. Plus it's better for both sides so that both of them can start fresh w/o any physical baggage in case a new wo/man comes into your life & jealously can sprout when an ex is still around...

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dragongirl724:

 

the NC rule is game to some and a way to heal for others. i personally am hurting too much right now to contact him anyway.

 

i think you may misunderstand my intentions for asking about the effect of the rule. so many people have written about it, i just wanted to know if it actually worked for them or not.

 

however, thanks for the support. this dialogue is certainly helping me more than anything else!

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jbaskerville,

 

well from my own experience i had a mutual breakup w/ a great guy b/c he was going away to school & hed be in middle of PA & id be in NY & timing just wasnt right for us etc. then i dated someone completely wrong for me (to say the least!). & yeah the times he & i didnt talk i missed him & he missed me & weve had long convos since & reconciled feelings etc. & yea the more distant we were the more i missed him & the more i wanted to be around him. and i still do & we still talk & hang out when hes around & still remain very close etc. but thing is it was a mutual understanding to break it off. so it may differ in your situation. b/c if only 1 person feels that way it changes the entire view on things. but NC is not what made us want to be around eachother. it was b/c our hearts in 1 way or another are connected still even after all this time. (about a yr & 1/2). and if that didnt exist i really wouldnt care less if i spoke to him or not. but it did & it does so thats the only way NC can help draw ppl together...if its a 2way street.

 

-DG724

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There's no silver bullet to no contact, if you ask me. Nothing is 100%, whether its contact or no contact, that guarantees nothing either way. As a dumper, I have broken up with several women and never really wondered one way or the other about the situation and simply moved on (I was younger then). Odd thing is, in just about every case that I was the dumper it had nothing to do with another woman. In most cases, I didn't meet another woman that I wanted to date for months or even years later in some cases. And I only find myself now, after being the dumpee, really reflecting back on some of the women that I dumped early on and wondering what was the reason that I did so. But only in one case, can I honestly say that I made a mistake and even with that woman, I can't say I'd date her again even if I seen her tomorrow.

 

Its kind of like out of sight out of mind, but again I think there could be a different impact as you get older and the pickings get more slim. I also don't know if women are more prone to think about it than men, but I would assume that the amount of time that you were with the person (e.g., 6 months vs. 6 years) might have some bearing on it as well. Who really knows though?

 

Kip

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dragongirl724:

 

thank you for sharing your experience with me. like i said, everything that i read about on this site is really helping me, a little more everyday. in my situation, we broke up (upon his strong suggestion) because the timing was bad. i have issues that need to be dealt with-- and this problem was manifesting itself in me being selfish and clingy. i need this time to take for myself-- even though i love him dearly. i realize that i need to get myself together before i can be in any relationship, whether it be with him or not. also important, if i truly love him, i must give him the space that he has asked for.

 

again-- thanks alot. you seem to be a very strong woman!

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