childhood abuse, n now i find it hard to be close to a bf

fairyhugs · 01-18-2005, 05:06 PM

Hey guys,

When i was bout 5 i was abused sexually. It happened to my brother to. It wasn't family but someone very close to our family. I have only just realised what really happened to me, he always told me it wsa just a hug and i was to imature (5 yrs old) to realise any different. Now i have realised and i know i have to go to the doctors to check for damage, i think he has caused internal damage. Im really scared about that im goin tomorow. My dad doesn't know, and im realy worried that if i have to tell him that he mite go mental!

Now im finding it realy hard to get close to my bf. Its like my body just shuts down and says no to anything. i really wan to get over this. But i dont know how. Has anyone got any advice??

Love fairy xxxxx

lagsalot · 01-18-2005, 05:11 PM

Honestly get yourself a good therapist. Be truthful with them, and they will truely help you out.

As a word of warning. I'm currently in a long term relationship with a sexualy abused partner, and man has it done its damage to her. She continues to ignore it, and her behaivor gets worse and worse.

Read and study, and work at working through your emotions. It WILL affect you negitivly, but to what degree is up to you.

iamwhoiam · 01-18-2005, 05:29 PM

PLEASE go to therapy. i am currently watching my sister deal with the trauma of being sexually abused by a family member when she was a child. for the last 20 years, she has blocked it out of her mind. but, just recently (within the past 6 months or so), the memories have been coming back in her dreams (nightmares) every night.

needless to say, these painful memories are haunting her and have caused her to become extremely depressed and suicidal. you are a victim in this situation. the person who did this to you is sick. please understand that none of this is your fault.

please get yourself some help and don't be afraid to confide in a close relative or friend in whom you have trust. until you are able to work through the pain of your past in therapy, you will never heal and you will not be able to sustain a healthy relationship with a man.

feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.

take care,
t

DN · 01-19-2005, 08:06 PM

There really isn't a lot of detail in your post but there are some general observations about childhood sexual abuse that may help you or anybody else in a similar situation.

First if the abuse was physically painful then those memories cause the body to tense up and any sexual activity can hurt. So you have to help the mind and the body heal. You must discipline your mind to realise that your lover does not want to hurt you - he/she is not the person who hurt you but someone who loves you and wants what is best for you. You cannot block out the memories of the past but you can understand them for what they are and control them rather then allowing them to control you.

If the abuse was not painful then you have a different problem. That of feelings of guilt. We are all sexual creatures and begin to have sexual feelings at a very early age. Nature has designed the body to feel pleasure during sexual activity (if not, there would be no sex and the human race would have disappeared long ago).

Children will often enjoy the sexual activity from an abuser and then tremendous feelings of guilt arise, usually much later, because of the taboos surrounding incest, paedophilia etc. Understanding this is the first step to controlling the feelings. It was not your fault - none of it. You didn't seduce him/her, you were not wrong to have felt pleasure because it is a normal physical reaction. The only person at fault is the abuser.

But don't retreat into victimhood - else you will never get past it. Understand what happened, process it and move on. Realise that your lover is not your abuser (see above)

Now, having started to control your mind and feelings, start to control your body. Learn relaxation techniques. 'Square breathing' is a good one to start with. Inhale through the nose for the count of four, hold it for the count of four, exhale during a count of four, and hold it for a count of four before beginning again. This exercise controls the oxygen into the body, and calms the nervous system. Ask your lover to help you with this.

When you begin sexual activity, take babysteps. Learn to enjoy caresses, kissing, intimate touches stage by stage. Don't try to go all the way on the first attempt and don't do anything after drugs or alcohol. Trust your partner and ask for their understanding and help.

Above all realise that sex is natural and normal - don't allow your abuser to rob you of that - in that way you have gained a victory over them.

Hope this helps

From_Now_On · 01-20-2005, 05:20 PM

hey hun,

I know how it is to spend a large portion of your life blocking out something like that. When I was younger I was also taken advantage of. However, it wasn't until recently (last year) I realized what had really happened and I started having nightmares and what have you. It's a scary thing and it makes you feel just....awful. The best thing to do is talk about it with someone you can trust. I've always been uncomfortable with closeness and all of that stuff with 'boyfriends'. This made me realize why I suppose...but also made it even harder. I don't know how close you are to your boyfriend, or if you can trust him...but my boyfriend is the only person I have ever told. He is very supportive and makes sure to never make me feel uncomfortable. It takes a lot to refind yourself after a realization like this..you really should find people you can trust to talk to. And always remember it was not your fault. If you ever need someone to talk to...feel free to PM me.

Take Care of Yourself.

fairyhugs · 02-06-2005, 04:07 PM

Hey guys,
Thanx for all your advice, i am now seein a social worker and gettin lots of help. My dad knows which is a relieve. The guy that did it is now of the street. I have now got to take legal actions and i will soon be making a video interview. in 2 days actually i think well its on tuesday anyway. Im actually quite scared about that, but as long as it stops other people from goin through the same pain s i have, i will do anythin to stop him!!!!! Im just findin it really hard to deal with at the moment. but im sure it will get easier, iv just got to learn to trust other guys that actually love me. I have not got any thin physicly wrong with me which is good i got my results last week. I just need to get over it mentally but i got all the help i can have.

thank you for all your advice, and i will keep ya posted with whats happening.

Love pixi xxxxxx

01-18-2005, 05:06 PM	#1
fairyhugs Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: UK Age: 20 Posts: 8	childhood abuse, n now i find it hard to be close to a bf Hey guys, When i was bout 5 i was abused sexually. It happened to my brother to. It wasn't family but someone very close to our family. I have only just realised what really happened to me, he always told me it wsa just a hug and i was to imature (5 yrs old) to realise any different. Now i have realised and i know i have to go to the doctors to check for damage, i think he has caused internal damage. Im really scared about that im goin tomorow. My dad doesn't know, and im realy worried that if i have to tell him that he mite go mental! Now im finding it realy hard to get close to my bf. Its like my body just shuts down and says no to anything. i really wan to get over this. But i dont know how. Has anyone got any advice?? Love fairy xxxxx __________________ Fairy Hugs Sarah xXx

01-18-2005, 05:29 PM	#3
iamwhoiam Offline Member Join Date: Jan 2005 Age: 33 Posts: 57	childhood sexual abuse PLEASE go to therapy. i am currently watching my sister deal with the trauma of being sexually abused by a family member when she was a child. for the last 20 years, she has blocked it out of her mind. but, just recently (within the past 6 months or so), the memories have been coming back in her dreams (nightmares) every night. needless to say, these painful memories are haunting her and have caused her to become extremely depressed and suicidal. you are a victim in this situation. the person who did this to you is sick. please understand that none of this is your fault. please get yourself some help and don't be afraid to confide in a close relative or friend in whom you have trust. until you are able to work through the pain of your past in therapy, you will never heal and you will not be able to sustain a healthy relationship with a man. feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk. take care, t __________________ God, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change, COURAGE to change the things I can, and WISDOM to know the difference. ~Anon

01-19-2005, 08:06 PM	#4
DN Offline Super Moderator Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Posts: 23,444	There really isn't a lot of detail in your post but there are some general observations about childhood sexual abuse that may help you or anybody else in a similar situation. First if the abuse was physically painful then those memories cause the body to tense up and any sexual activity can hurt. So you have to help the mind and the body heal. You must discipline your mind to realise that your lover does not want to hurt you - he/she is not the person who hurt you but someone who loves you and wants what is best for you. You cannot block out the memories of the past but you can understand them for what they are and control them rather then allowing them to control you. If the abuse was not painful then you have a different problem. That of feelings of guilt. We are all sexual creatures and begin to have sexual feelings at a very early age. Nature has designed the body to feel pleasure during sexual activity (if not, there would be no sex and the human race would have disappeared long ago). Children will often enjoy the sexual activity from an abuser and then tremendous feelings of guilt arise, usually much later, because of the taboos surrounding incest, paedophilia etc. Understanding this is the first step to controlling the feelings. It was not your fault - none of it. You didn't seduce him/her, you were not wrong to have felt pleasure because it is a normal physical reaction. The only person at fault is the abuser. But don't retreat into victimhood - else you will never get past it. Understand what happened, process it and move on. Realise that your lover is not your abuser (see above) Now, having started to control your mind and feelings, start to control your body. Learn relaxation techniques. 'Square breathing' is a good one to start with. Inhale through the nose for the count of four, hold it for the count of four, exhale during a count of four, and hold it for a count of four before beginning again. This exercise controls the oxygen into the body, and calms the nervous system. Ask your lover to help you with this. When you begin sexual activity, take babysteps. Learn to enjoy caresses, kissing, intimate touches stage by stage. Don't try to go all the way on the first attempt and don't do anything after drugs or alcohol. Trust your partner and ask for their understanding and help. Above all realise that sex is natural and normal - don't allow your abuser to rob you of that - in that way you have gained a victory over them. Hope this helps __________________ Immaturity is not defined by him not doing what you want him to do. Hartman's Law of Prescriptivist Retaliation: "any article or statement about correct grammar, punctuation, or spelling is bound to contain at least one eror".

02-06-2005, 04:07 PM	#6
fairyhugs Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: UK Age: 20 Posts: 8	Thank you Hey guys, Thanx for all your advice, i am now seein a social worker and gettin lots of help. My dad knows which is a relieve. The guy that did it is now of the street. I have now got to take legal actions and i will soon be making a video interview. in 2 days actually i think well its on tuesday anyway. Im actually quite scared about that, but as long as it stops other people from goin through the same pain s i have, i will do anythin to stop him!!!!! Im just findin it really hard to deal with at the moment. but im sure it will get easier, iv just got to learn to trust other guys that actually love me. I have not got any thin physicly wrong with me which is good i got my results last week. I just need to get over it mentally but i got all the help i can have. thank you for all your advice, and i will keep ya posted with whats happening. Love pixi xxxxxx __________________ Fairy Hugs Sarah xXx

01-18-2005, 05:11 PM	#2
lagsalot Offline Member Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: DFW, TX Age: 32 Posts: 38	Honestly get yourself a good therapist. Be truthful with them, and they will truely help you out. As a word of warning. I'm currently in a long term relationship with a sexualy abused partner, and man has it done its damage to her. She continues to ignore it, and her behaivor gets worse and worse. Read and study, and work at working through your emotions. It WILL affect you negitivly, but to what degree is up to you.

01-20-2005, 05:20 PM	#5
From_Now_On Offline Member Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Michigan Posts: 369	hey hun, I know how it is to spend a large portion of your life blocking out something like that. When I was younger I was also taken advantage of. However, it wasn't until recently (last year) I realized what had really happened and I started having nightmares and what have you. It's a scary thing and it makes you feel just....awful. The best thing to do is talk about it with someone you can trust. I've always been uncomfortable with closeness and all of that stuff with 'boyfriends'. This made me realize why I suppose...but also made it even harder. I don't know how close you are to your boyfriend, or if you can trust him...but my boyfriend is the only person I have ever told. He is very supportive and makes sure to never make me feel uncomfortable. It takes a lot to refind yourself after a realization like this..you really should find people you can trust to talk to. And always remember it was not your fault. If you ever need someone to talk to...feel free to PM me. Take Care of Yourself.