Apologized...Agreed to Talk....Have Not...Losing Hope....Need Advice

RayofSunshine · 11-06-2009, 03:19 PM

Hello All:

Here is my story.

History

My boyfriend and I broke up mid-Aug of this year. We had dated for approximately 7 months, but had been friends for over 14 years. We had discussed marriage, kids, family and all that. We even went to look at homes together (his idea, we live 2 hours apart). This is a man that I truly love and care for. Were both in our 30s.

Break Up

The reason for the break-up, is he has a job in which is travels quite frequently for at least 5-6 months of the year (in the US). I knew this before we started dating; however, when he went on the road in July, I panicked. So, we got into a conversation about out future should he travel overseas (engagment). So, 2 weeks later, I bring the conversation up and this time we broke up. Basically, because I felt like I needed some level of committment if he was strongly considering traveling for several months. We talked about it and he felt that he could not be with me and maintain his job goals. He had wanted to buy the house before he went on the road in July but was unable to and he was also trying to get a promotion. (Therefore, he said there is no reason why he should not travel, because and I quote, "I do not have a house") Based on those reasons and probably others he felt he wanted to "focus on his career". I tried to convience him that he could have a career and a personal life and it came back to the engagement (He had a 2 yr time line, which we previosuly discussed and I had no problems with it). Basically, I would not back down that if he went overseas we would have to be engaged now. I am a little further along in my career (I mention this because he mentioned it during our conversation).

He also asked me "had it not done right by besides giving me the ring". For the most part the answer was "Yes."

I realized I put pressure on the relationship and we had poor communication. My mother had told me to relax and get a hobby, but instead I listened to friends and begin to put demands on the situation. With the addition of friends and family telling me,we should be engaged because we knew each other for so long.

I realized I had made a mistake in ending the relationship.

A week after, I tried to call him but he did not answer. So, I waited for another week and tried to call again. He still did not answer. Then I sent him a text and I apologized for being selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings. I then asked him if he was open to us sitting down and talking next time he was in the area. He replied about 2 hours later and said "Yes, he was open to it, but did not know when he would be back in the area, but would let me know" I told him okay. (2 1/2 months ago)

Helpful advice

I have not heard from him since, nor have a tried to make contact . I did call him late one night about a month later, just to let him know that I was thinking of him and I missed him (voice mail).

I do not know what to think or feel right now. I am going and trying to stay occupied. I just miss him and do not know what to do. Should I call and find out why I have not heard from him or leave it alone? Should I wait to hear from him? Was he lying to me? I am really confused.

I do not want to be weak or pathetic, I just want our relationship back on track.

I can not understand, the relationship ended ambically no fussing or fighting. When it ended he did ask me could he call me and I told him "No", but then later we agreed to sit down and talk.

I know for that he should have at least been back to the area sometime in October.

Some people have told me to move on, but my heart is still with him...somedays I hopeful he will call and will meet to talk and other days I do not think he will. Do you think he will come back once I forget?

Crazyaboutdogs · 11-06-2009, 03:37 PM

The bottom line is that you both have different views of the future. It doesn't look like he really wants to be tied down. He likes the notion of having a "girlfriend" waiting for him back home, but it doesn't sound like he really wants to have a "fiancee" or "wife" waiting for him back home. Even if you got back together with him you would still face the same frustration..he won't want to get engaged and married because he is already engaged and married to his work. As much as you care about him I think he has made his intentions very clear...you want more out of this than he does. He only wants the idea of having a girlfriend whereas you want the reality of a solid relationship. I would let it go.

RayofSunshine · 11-08-2009, 08:33 PM

Thanks, Crazyaboutdogs for your reply.

Yes, you are correct that right now we may want different things (Want the same thing but our clocks are set differently). However, I feel that this is something we can work at if we are both willing to compromise. Isn't that what a relationship is about? Loving each other and working through differences, not being selfish. I believe we want the same things. I know for now it it best that I do not contact him, when and if he is ready then I will hear from him. However, I just do not want to believe it is a lost cause. I can't put my life on hold. Time will tell. I just want to try and talk, and see if we can work it out. Do you think that's a reasonable request? Don't want to wonder what if I did this or said that.

AutumnBorn · 11-08-2009, 10:14 PM

You need to sit tight and start living fully without him. Easier said than done, I know all too well. That is the only way to win him back. When and if he's ready to talk with you, he will make the call. You may have to accept that it may never happen and plan on that, move on, look forward, do as your mother said - get a hobby.

This is just my suggestion - if you haven't heard from him by Christmas and are still thinking of him in purely positive ways, send him a Christmas card about two weeks before December 25. Keep it light, bright, cheerful. If he does call, you have to only let him hear/see you as a positive, healthy, confident person who is living her life to its fullest.

Whining, begging, even suggesting that you get together shouldn't be one of your options. It is, as you probably know, a complete and total turn off.

Imagine yourself doing and being the best version of yourself, then take the steps to get there during this break.

I wish you luck.

RayofSunshine · 11-09-2009, 09:25 PM

AutumnBorn - Thanks for sharing your opinoin on this matter. I am making steps to live my life. With that mindset, I recently purchased my first home ( a condo), I close this month. I did this because, I can not put my life on hold. I realized, that he is doing things for himself right now and when and if we come back together, then we will be in better places. I look at it as a win-win. I have a home (either way - we get back together or not) or we have a home that we can rent out and use to build together. I still think about him and hope things will work out, but I know I have to move forward and making decisions like this makes it a little bit easier. As far as contacting him around X-mas, I will see where my mindset is. I know the ball is in his court and right now he is not playing with it. He is taking for granted that I am not going to go anywhere. We have history and he knows my pattern just like I know his. I am the patient and understanding one. Thanks for the well wishes.

11-06-2009, 03:19 PM	#1
RayofSunshine Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 4	Apologized...Agreed to Talk....Have Not...Losing Hope....Need Advice Hello All: Here is my story. History My boyfriend and I broke up mid-Aug of this year. We had dated for approximately 7 months, but had been friends for over 14 years. We had discussed marriage, kids, family and all that. We even went to look at homes together (his idea, we live 2 hours apart). This is a man that I truly love and care for. Were both in our 30s. Break Up The reason for the break-up, is he has a job in which is travels quite frequently for at least 5-6 months of the year (in the US). I knew this before we started dating; however, when he went on the road in July, I panicked. So, we got into a conversation about out future should he travel overseas (engagment). So, 2 weeks later, I bring the conversation up and this time we broke up. Basically, because I felt like I needed some level of committment if he was strongly considering traveling for several months. We talked about it and he felt that he could not be with me and maintain his job goals. He had wanted to buy the house before he went on the road in July but was unable to and he was also trying to get a promotion. (Therefore, he said there is no reason why he should not travel, because and I quote, "I do not have a house") Based on those reasons and probably others he felt he wanted to "focus on his career". I tried to convience him that he could have a career and a personal life and it came back to the engagement (He had a 2 yr time line, which we previosuly discussed and I had no problems with it). Basically, I would not back down that if he went overseas we would have to be engaged now. I am a little further along in my career (I mention this because he mentioned it during our conversation). He also asked me "had it not done right by besides giving me the ring". For the most part the answer was "Yes." I realized I put pressure on the relationship and we had poor communication. My mother had told me to relax and get a hobby, but instead I listened to friends and begin to put demands on the situation. With the addition of friends and family telling me,we should be engaged because we knew each other for so long. I realized I had made a mistake in ending the relationship. A week after, I tried to call him but he did not answer. So, I waited for another week and tried to call again. He still did not answer. Then I sent him a text and I apologized for being selfish and inconsiderate of his feelings. I then asked him if he was open to us sitting down and talking next time he was in the area. He replied about 2 hours later and said "Yes, he was open to it, but did not know when he would be back in the area, but would let me know" I told him okay. (2 1/2 months ago) Helpful advice I have not heard from him since, nor have a tried to make contact . I did call him late one night about a month later, just to let him know that I was thinking of him and I missed him (voice mail). I do not know what to think or feel right now. I am going and trying to stay occupied. I just miss him and do not know what to do. Should I call and find out why I have not heard from him or leave it alone? Should I wait to hear from him? Was he lying to me? I am really confused. I do not want to be weak or pathetic, I just want our relationship back on track. I can not understand, the relationship ended ambically no fussing or fighting. When it ended he did ask me could he call me and I told him "No", but then later we agreed to sit down and talk. I know for that he should have at least been back to the area sometime in October. Some people have told me to move on, but my heart is still with him...somedays I hopeful he will call and will meet to talk and other days I do not think he will. Do you think he will come back once I forget? Last edited by RayofSunshine; 11-06-2009 at 03:31 PM.

11-06-2009, 03:37 PM	#2
Crazyaboutdogs Online Platinum Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Canada Gender: Female Age: 46 Posts: 15,630	The bottom line is that you both have different views of the future. It doesn't look like he really wants to be tied down. He likes the notion of having a "girlfriend" waiting for him back home, but it doesn't sound like he really wants to have a "fiancee" or "wife" waiting for him back home. Even if you got back together with him you would still face the same frustration..he won't want to get engaged and married because he is already engaged and married to his work. As much as you care about him I think he has made his intentions very clear...you want more out of this than he does. He only wants the idea of having a girlfriend whereas you want the reality of a solid relationship. I would let it go.

11-08-2009, 08:33 PM	#3
RayofSunshine Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 4	Thanks, Crazyaboutdogs for your reply. Yes, you are correct that right now we may want different things (Want the same thing but our clocks are set differently). However, I feel that this is something we can work at if we are both willing to compromise. Isn't that what a relationship is about? Loving each other and working through differences, not being selfish. I believe we want the same things. I know for now it it best that I do not contact him, when and if he is ready then I will hear from him. However, I just do not want to believe it is a lost cause. I can't put my life on hold. Time will tell. I just want to try and talk, and see if we can work it out. Do you think that's a reasonable request? Don't want to wonder what if I did this or said that.

11-08-2009, 10:14 PM	#4
AutumnBorn Offline Silver Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Seattle, Washington Gender: Female Posts: 435	You need to sit tight and start living fully without him. Easier said than done, I know all too well. That is the only way to win him back. When and if he's ready to talk with you, he will make the call. You may have to accept that it may never happen and plan on that, move on, look forward, do as your mother said - get a hobby. This is just my suggestion - if you haven't heard from him by Christmas and are still thinking of him in purely positive ways, send him a Christmas card about two weeks before December 25. Keep it light, bright, cheerful. If he does call, you have to only let him hear/see you as a positive, healthy, confident person who is living her life to its fullest. Whining, begging, even suggesting that you get together shouldn't be one of your options. It is, as you probably know, a complete and total turn off. Imagine yourself doing and being the best version of yourself, then take the steps to get there during this break. I wish you luck.

11-09-2009, 09:25 PM	#5
RayofSunshine Offline Member Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 4	AutumnBorn - Thanks for sharing your opinoin on this matter. I am making steps to live my life. With that mindset, I recently purchased my first home ( a condo), I close this month. I did this because, I can not put my life on hold. I realized, that he is doing things for himself right now and when and if we come back together, then we will be in better places. I look at it as a win-win. I have a home (either way - we get back together or not) or we have a home that we can rent out and use to build together. I still think about him and hope things will work out, but I know I have to move forward and making decisions like this makes it a little bit easier. As far as contacting him around X-mas, I will see where my mindset is. I know the ball is in his court and right now he is not playing with it. He is taking for granted that I am not going to go anywhere. We have history and he knows my pattern just like I know his. I am the patient and understanding one. Thanks for the well wishes.