He says he needs 'personal space' - how much space is healthy in a relationship?

[thebluest]

This personal space comment came up when I asked my boyfriend whether he would add me if I got a Facebook account.

We have a rather non-traditional relationship, which at it's root is basically a long-distance relationship. We use AIM, Skype, email etc. but he's been telling me that he can't go on sometimes because he has a very irritable room mate or is really busy. But meanwhile, he would update his Facebook account - don't ask me how I know this, I'm not proud of it.

Is it reasonable that he wants to keep his Facebook personal? I don't want to smother him by not giving him his 'personal space' - it's not a big thing to ask. But viewed in conjunction with some other problems we're having and our non-traditional relationship, I feel somewhat worried that I'm pushing him away bit by bit, and this is how he slowly closes his life off from me.

I really need as many opinions as I can get on this one. I'm really all frazzled and not sure how to rationalise things.

[Speranza]

I love your sig!

You mention it being 'non-traditional' a couple of times in a short post, maybe this is bothering you?

You will be aware that there can be lots of reasons someone isn't available and as you have checked up on him, I assume you have your suspicions already.

It depends what makes you say you are pushing him away (rather than him just retreating). It's an ingtriguing way to put it, because all you have said here is about him not being available.

I've only had a couple of LDRs but I have to be honest, personal space is de facto
not an issue - finding together time is surely far more of an issue? Of two people have already chosen a relationship where they can't be in each other's pockets, and yet still feel constrained by it, my guess is that the relaionship is no longer serving one or both person's needs.

Perhaps rather than ask a lot of strangers their thoughts about your worries, it might be more helpful to explore how okay (or not) you are with things as they are.

Are YOUR needs being met?
Are you content with an LDR, does it serve some purpose for you (such as, reduces the need to be emotionally intimate - some people like this).
Do you see a future?
How does it feel to consider moving on?
Is it an equal partnership?
Do you suspect he has secrets you need to know?

As for 'is it reasonable' - well, my gut feeling is 'not really' but on the other hand, if people negotiate such privacy between them and are both happy with it, then that's perfectly reasonable.

[thebluest]

Originally Posted by Speranza

I love your sig!

You mention it being 'non-traditional' a couple of times in a short post, maybe this is bothering you?

You will be aware that there can be lots of reasons someone isn't available and as you have checked up on him, I assume you have your suspicions already.

It depends what makes you say you are pushing him away (rather than him just retreating). It's an ingtriguing way to put it, because all you have said here is about him not being available.

I've only had a couple of LDRs but I have to be honest, personal space is de facto
not an issue - finding together time is surely far more of an issue? Of two people have already chosen a relationship where they can't be in each other's pockets, and yet still feel constrained by it, my guess is that the relaionship is no longer serving one or both person's needs.

Perhaps rather than ask a lot of strangers their thoughts about your worries, it might be more helpful to explore how okay (or not) you are with things as they are.

Are YOUR needs being met?
Are you content with an LDR, does it serve some purpose for you (such as, reduces the need to be emotionally intimate - some people like this).
Do you see a future?
How does it feel to consider moving on?
Is it an equal partnership?
Do you suspect he has secrets you need to know?

As for 'is it reasonable' - well, my gut feeling is 'not really' but on the other hand, if people negotiate such privacy between them and are both happy with it, then that's perfectly reasonable.

Speranza - Thanks so much for your input. You're either very intuitive or maybe it comes across more obviously than I thought, but I have really been having a lot of concerns about the relationship.

'Non-traditional' was a term used because I think this is something that bothers him and may have gone into his thinking process. We met in person briefly, but we continued the bulk of this relationship over long-distance. Not the way we planned it at all. He finds it awkward to tell anyone other than his closest friends about me, and his family doesn't know about me at all. I do understand where he's coming from so it's not something I hold against him, but it's not ideal.

I've mentioned to him before that sometimes I feel like his 'dirty little secret' - which is unfair for him because I accepted his reasons and entered into this knowing that this would be the case until we finish school and can afford to talk about moving closer together. It's just that in this kind of non-traditional relationship, there feels like there's no progression in the relationship - I don't meet his friends, I don't get to meet the parents, we're very restricted in what we can do together. It's very confronting.

I'm still with him because I believe that if it weren't for this geographical distance and the problems it brings, he could be the one for me and I still have a lot of hope in this relationship, and if I don't pursue it until this hope either eventuates or fades away I'd always be left wondering whether I gave something up because the circumstances were difficult. Romanticism versus pragmatism is a hard battle.

I'm content with him, I'm not content with a LDR. Unfortunately, it's the only way we can be together or not at all. Which leads to your question:How does it feel to consider moving on? It'd feel like I've given up on a dream.

Is it an equal partnership? This is difficult to answer, because we're different people and give differently. I always make time for him, trying to involve him in my life. He wants to finish things he has in progress, his goals like not failing out of subjects, being a dutiful son etc. first so that when he's with me I have his full attention. Unfortunately, I criticise him for this because nothing ever gets finished because it never rains, it pours, and in those periods I'm left with scraps.

Do you suspect he has secrets you need to know? I don't suspect he has secrets. My sole suspicion is that he is blocking me off/avoiding me slowly.

[Speranza]

Originally Posted by thebluest

I'm still with him because I believe that if it weren't for this geographical distance and the problems it brings, he could be the one for me and I still have a lot of hope in this relationship, and if I don't pursue it until this hope either eventuates or fades away I'd always be left wondering whether I gave something up because the circumstances were difficult. Romanticism versus pragmatism is a hard battle.

I'm content with him, I'm not content with a LDR. Unfortunately, it's the only way we can be together or not at all. Which leads to your question:How does it feel to consider moving on? It'd feel like I've given up on a dream.

Hi, sorry for the late reply, I've had a health problem.

If you read what you wrote above, there is a lot of 'if' in there.

Romanticism and pragmatism fight within me too, so I do understand a little.

What is your hope FOR? What is the best outcome, and when is it likely to happen? You aren't really content 'with him# because you've not really been with him, have you? He fuels a dream which you don't want to give up on. Nothing wrong with that.

BUT - he is apparently content with things as they are, which means he wouldn't be if they changed - so when you think about it, the hopes you have are for something which is really unlikely to happen.

This may or may not be something you wish to continue with - it's your call - BUT in your place, I would be using all this space and time to do some really serious thinking about why I am content with so little.

- Is it all I think I deserve?
- Don't I think I can 'do better'?
- Was my early experience of love from someone who was often absent? (ie a salesman father, someone died...) and am I therefore stuck in a place where I believe on some level that emotional and physical absence is a sign of love?
- Is he REALLY as into me as I am into him?
- AM I into him, or am I into 'having a relationship with him'?

etc.

You sound very intelligent, you know what things to ask yourself and you know what the answers are - AND which ones you'd rather not hear!

Good luck with this, and keep us posted won't you?